Disguised as a Lover

Did you ever wake up feeling like complete shit and just know you were going to have a bad day?

Well today was one of those days for me.

Sometime last night after I had gotten in a fight with Missy and fell asleep on Bams couch, my brother must have taken my unconscious body home. I don't know what had happened after I fell asleep, nor was I eager to.

I woke up today in my bed feeling exhausted and depressed. I guess after enough people telling you your still just a drug addict and that will never change eventually starts to chip away at the strong exterior you put up for everyone. I had convinced myself I was fine on my own. I had made up a lie that I soon started to fall for myself. But today when I woke up, I discovered that I was in fact not at all okay and my exterior was deteriorating from the inside out.

I rolled over to look at the clock adorned with the bold red 12:27 p.m. and I had no intentions of getting up today, or the next day. I felt stripped of any guards I had put up and the reason for my sudden transformation was unknown. I was ashamed of myself. I broke down last night. I broke down in front of everyone. I became vulnerable and I hated myself now more than ever. I wanted to crawl under my covers and die a peaceful, lonesome death. Maybe I couldn't just die right here, but I sure could hide under the covers for a few more days. I closed my eyes once again, crying silently and drifted into a restless slumber.

+++

"Shane wake up." A distant voice said. I mumbled something back incoherently.

"Shane come on it's like three something, get up." The voice tried again. Whoever it was began shaking me but I blindly swatted at the hand, willing it away with my mind.

"Alright that's it." the voice stopped and so did the shaking. Thank god.

The next thing I knew my blanket was ripped away from me, as well as the warmth as the cold air from the air conditioner ambushed my body. The light from my window blinded me, revealing my disheveled, pathetic excuse of a human being. As far as I was concerned, I probably wasn't worth the time of the persons I was currently taking up. I buried my tear stained face under a pillow, wishing, hoping I could sleep for a few more hours.

"Oh shane." Said the sympathetic voice I now recognized as my brothers.

The bed to my left shifted as two arms wrapped around my body. I pressed myself more into the embrace, burying my head into his chest. I couldn't hold myself together anymore, any strings that were holding the many broken pieces together untied at that moment and I lost it. I let the tears flow down my face, strangled sobs and hiccups coming from my throat. Not once did the arms wrapped around my body loosen and I could never be more thankful for my brother company than I was at this moment. He let me sob into his chest, soaking his shirt all the way through.

"Shannon what's wrong?" He asked while rubbing my back, concern etched in his voice.

"Im worthless and pathetic and I just wanna die Brandon. Why can't I just die?" I managed past the strangled sobs, clutching fistfuls of his shirt.

He held me tighter as if I would disappear if he didn't. "Don't ever say that again Shane. Please don't ever say that." His shaky voice made me feel slightly guilty.

I didn't want anyone else to get upset, but I guess me breaking down saying I wanted to die in front of family would do that. For the next half hour or so, we sat there together, holding each other on my bed. My tears had finally stopped, but my blood shot eyes and erratic hiccups were evidence that they were once there.

"Do you wanna take a bath?" Brandon asked, rubbing my back again soothingly.

I thought about it then nodded. He helped me up and walked over to the bathroom turning on the bath while I got my clothes. After picked out gray sweat pants and a plain black tank top I walked toward the bathroom where my brother was now walking out of.

He sent me a weak smile which I returned. "I'll be down stairs watching T.V." I nodded and watched him walk away.

I walked into the bathroom closing the door behind me. I set down my clothes on the counter while I stripped out of the old ones, kicking them out of the way and getting in the tub. I sat in the hot relaxing water of the tub for about 45 minutes before getting out and wrapping a towel around my weak, exhausted body. I looked in the mirror at the sight in front of me. I personally thought I looked like a train wreck. My eyes were blood shot with dark ring around them, showing my crying and lack of sleep. My face looked tired and run down and my cheeks were rosy from the hot water. I soon got sick of looking at my own face and got dressed, towel drying my hair before throwing my dirty clothes in the hamper and hanging my towel up to dry.

Heading downstairs I heard two voices discussing something in hushed tones. One I could only assume was my brother, but the other was a mystery. Walking more into the living room I discovered the other voice was Bam and as soon as he seen me he stopped talking. Novak must have noticed because he turned around a smiled warmly at me, which I returned.

"Hey feeling better?" He asked.

I gave him the most convincing smile I could muster. "Yeah. Hey Bam."

I could tell my brother told him what happened by the look of sympathy and worry evident on his face and his current shyness like he didn't know exactly what to say, fearing another break down. I wasn't mad though. If my brother had a break down, I would probably tell my best friend too.

"Hey Shane." He said lightly as if he talked louder I would break down again. I smiled at him lightly, walking over to the chair adjacent to the couch they were sitting on and sat down, facing the T.V. that was playing some cartoon. Typical.

We sat there a few minutes before the moment soon became awkward. I took it upon my own hands to break the awkward tension and say the first thing that came to my mind.

"I want ice cream."