Slow Down, it's all Legit

Creating the illusion that a person is more than he or she appears is fairly easy to do. I, for instance, have been doing it all my life. Well, maybe not all my life, but for as long as I can remember. Without understanding the basis of this illusion, no one would ever understand me. That was my life, though so I did not really care. My whole life, people shied away from me because they thought I was intimidating and superficial. Superficial was just about the worst insult anyone could throw at me, but intimidating was something I kind of reveled in.

From the age on two, I was a dancer. Hardcore, my-whole-life-is-about-dancing-dancer. I was good at it and I enjoyed it when I was younger. Once I hit the age of nine, dancing held no meaning for me anymore. In my family, I created the illusion that I was the perfect dancer who loved the sport, but most people around me found that I was superficial because I was not “what a real dancer should be.” I had no idea what that entitled, but apparently I did not fit the criteria. So I did not have many friends, even in the dance studio where I pretty much spent my whole life.

My dad was so adamant about my dancing, loved that I danced. My mother was a dancer and she died when I was really young so he wanted me to live out her life so that he could remember her. What he was not able to see, though, was that I was no longer happy living my mother’s life, her dream. It reminded me too much of her and the fact that she told me to do whatever I wanted to do regardless of whether it was dancing or not. My father did not see it that way.

At age sixteen I decided that enough was enough. I went to my father one night after dance and told him that I no longer wanted to be a dancer. He started to laugh, thinking that it was some big joke. When I did not laugh with him though, he sobered up very quickly and started yelling at me. He was not able to process the fact that it was my life and it was not making me happy-had not made me happy for a long time.

Finally he told me that he did not care what I did anymore. He said that I could throw away my whole career if I wanted to, but I had to have something else in mind to do. I told him that snowboarding had been a dream for a while. To say that he looked incredulous would be an understatement. He was never into action sports and did not know that I was into them, but I had been for a long time. He stared at me for a while before changing my entire life, and that is not just being overly dramatic.

“Fine,” he told me, “if you want to be a snowboarder then you can move to Mammoth Lakes.” I knew that Mammoth Lakes was in California, but I had no idea why he just decided to send me there.

“You’re disowning me because I want to be a snowboarder and not a dancer? Why do I have to move there to learn how to snowboard?”

“I’m not disowning you. I have a cousin in Mammoth who is a snowboard instructor. He’s always getting on my case about how you would be so much happier snowboarding. I had no idea that he was right about that, but since he was bugging me about that he can teach you.”

“So you’re dumping me with some relative that I’ve never met because he was annoying you? Well that’s great dad. And all this time I thought you loved me for me and not just because I’m a dancer. Fine then, I’ll go because I can see that you don’t have any use for me now. When do I leave?”

“I’ll check to see when the first flight out is and let you know.” He didn’t even deny the fact that I held no importance to him because I was no longer dancing. It really hurt to know that the illusion I created meant nothing to him.

I left two days later. My flight was long and the guy sitting beside me was trying to make small talk about snowboarding, but I was not in the mood. Though I desperately wanted to talk about snowboarding, I was still feeling badly for myself because of my father’s behavior. Though I did have a fair amount of clothes and stuff to bring, most of it was just to make my father happy so I was in need of a new wardrobe. I packed lightly that particular flight.