Am I Wry?

Sometimes Frank really wonders why Gerard won't allow them to broadcast their relationship. Usually he doesn't give it much thought but sometimes, like right now, when he's lying in his bunk, just feeling the bus move beneath his still figure, he wonders why he's so adamant against the thought. It's not like it's something so new and wrong. It's not like everyone hasn't already figured it out; it seems pretty obvious with all the speculation going around. Still, Gerard insists and he can't really divulge that kind of vital information if the other person involved is against it.

He doesn't protest meanly, though. It's not like he's sworn him to secrecy or some bullshit like that. It's just that whenever he brings it up, Gerard finds some excuse or other to scurry away from the topic or he asks him if they can just talk about that later. But then they never do. They just put it off and put it off until he's just lying there wondering what the hell could be so wrong with their partnership that they have to keep it hidden. It's not wrong, really. It's not like they're brothers or committing some kind of felon or something with their relationship. It's not like it's a crime to be gay and love someone of your same sex. It's not wrong but for some reason, Gerard just doesn't seem to want to face all that.

Frank wonders sometimes if maybe he's ashamed to be gay. Maybe he regrets being with him, regrets getting into a relationship with another man. But then he kisses him and tells him he loves him with this really cheesy smile on his face and that thought gets thrown out the window. Maybe he's embarrassed because they're both very much married with, oh yeah, women, and he doesn't want to face the public with their cries of "adultery" and "fags" at the both of them. Then again, he always promotes honesty so he really just doesn't get it at all.

It ends up that Frank's still in the bunk, just staring and staring a hole in the fucking bunk above him and he still can't figure it out. He's just a tad pissed off because for one, he can't figure it out and two, he really wants to just blurt it out. If Gerard really loved him the way he said he did, wouldn't he be screaming it at shows for everyone to hear already? Wouldn't he be proclaiming it to the heavens? But then again, despite his appearance on stage, he had always been a quieter, introverted person that really just liked to keep his business to himself.

Maybe that was it but it's just so confusing that Frank just finally turns over in his bunk, sighs and settles into his pillow, tightening the blankets around him. It's cold and he's sick yet again so he's curled up just waiting for the cold medicine to take effect on his aching throat. He feels horrible and it's definitely not helped by the way his thoughts keep drifting to that reluctance of Gerard. He doesn't know why he's so fixated on it all of a sudden but he just is and he's restless even though all he really wants to do is fall asleep so that he'll be fine for the next show. It just hurts even though he really doesn't want to admit it. The worst part is that Gerard's being really nice to him, too, going and making him soup and everything because he says that it would help with his illness. So, if he's willing to watch over him in the middle of the night and make him soup and comfort him when he's all sniffly and bed-ridden, why won't he let Frank tell the world just what kind of a lover he really has?

He can smell soup in the air, nearing him, but he really just kind of wants to lay his head back down, curl up even more and just fall asleep so he'll escape all the thoughts and not have to face Gerard. Unfortunately, falling asleep on command just isn't included in his list of talents and he is very much awake when the man he's been thinking about for about, say, the last hour, pokes his head in through the bunk curtain laden with a bowl of soup, a bottle of water and his latest dose of medication. He can't help the small weary smile that spreads across his face and he just kind of struggles to get up into an appropriate sitting position so he can actually indulge in the heat from the soup.

Gerard's pretty much all smiles as he hands Frank all the items he's been carrying before crawling into the bunk himself. His smile just kind of falters then when he notices the weak smile Frank offers him in return because really, he's still thinking about that little issue. He checks his forehead and his pulse, even though he's not a trained doctor and he really isn't all that sure what his normal pulse should even be but he's really just worried. "You feeling okay? Want me to get you something else: a lozenge maybe?" Frank just shakes his head and turns down his offer, picking up the spoon to eat his soup with, savoring the heat that travels down his pained throat and into his extremities.

Gerard's not satisfied; that much is obvious but he says nothing, curling up a little closer to Frank even though he knows he's sick and even though Frank doesn't even respond, gaze fixated on his bowl of soup. "Sugar, what's wrong?" he asks gently and he's just really worried that he's gone and messed up something or that there's something worse lurking around. He's afraid and paranoid and he really wants to get something, anything, out of his lover. It doesn't help matters that Frank's just shrugging and not even responding to what he's asking, hopelessly focused on his soup with his eyebrows knitted and a slight frown on his lips.

"How come we still can't tell anyone about us?" he finally asks quietly, looking over at Gerard and wondering what kind of excuse he'll give him now. Of course Gerard's uncomfortable all of a sudden and he looks away from Frank and licks his lips as he's pretty certain that, once again, he's just going to be blown off when he really, really wants an answer.

"Baby, I just...listen; once we tell one person about us, everyone knows. When everyone knows, there will be people who hate us. People who hate us will call us fags and insult us and we run the risk of getting hurt. I really, really don't want that, Frankie; you've got to understand me. And you've got Jamia too and I've got Lyn-Z and really, I just can't put the both of them through that too. Do you know how they'll get ridiculed because they're married to two gay men? I'm so sorry babe; I do love you but I just can't stand that; I really can't." Well, this is definitely more than Frank had bargained for and he lifts his head from the bowl of soup, looking incredulously at his lover. He definitely hadn't expected this kind of sudden confession; he hadn't expected anything at all. He still can't even really believe it, even though he sorely wants to.

"But they'll understand," he protests when he can finally speak again, "Who gives a shit about people who hate us? It doesn't matter. And Jamia and Lyn-Z'll understand too, I'm sure of it. It's not like they haven't seen us on stage and it's not like they already suspect something. We can break it to them first or something so that when the news gets around, it won't be so bad." But then Gerard holds up a hand and stops what is quickly becoming a rant, shaking his head solemnly.

"No, Frank. I'm not ready to do that. Just put it out of your head for now, please." But suddenly, he's just hugging Frank, setting aside his bowl of soup and pressing him close. "It's not that I don't love you," he reassures in the younger male's ear in a soft whisper, "It's just that I can't stand all that right now. Just let me be happy for now and then, then I'll let you tell anyone you want but please give me this peace of mind for now." And really, the only thing Frank can really do is kiss him and assure him that he'll stay quiet, even though it's the last thing he wants because if telling everyone he's in love will push Gerard away, then he'd rather keep this secret, just this once.