Guilt.

DECEMBER 25
2008

I took a step forward.

‘This is going to be a long walk,’ I thought.

It had always been a long walk. The hallway which stretched almost endlessly before me was blinding my eyes with too much light. Again, it always had.

This was probably the hundredth time I would be walking along this hallway of guilt and hopelessness. I sighed. I should have gotten used to it by now since this long walk had always felt the same for the past month.

I started walking briskly, determined to end this suffering of guilt as soon as I could.

As I did, the lights gradually became less blinding as my heart suddenly felt as if it was slowly being crushed. Familiar voices from around me began filling into my ears.

Doctors walked past me quietly, some walked alongside me having the same pace as mine, and I saw how their familiar eyes focused blankly on the path before them. Their eyes had always been like that since the first time I had been here, and I couldn’t blame them. On the other hand, the nurses on the nearby station laughed silently at their fellow nurse’s joke. I couldn’t seem to understand how they could though but it was something I couldn’t blame either. I knew they still felt gloomy being in such a place like this, but in the first place, they weren’t here for the same reason as most people were.

I considered it rather completely, because in this place, that one thing that had amazed me the most was how the people felt different, along with their opposite yet harmonizing purpose. Just about everything in this place showed entirely how each person was in a complementary connection with everybody.

My mind remained swimming in the same thoughts for quite a while but it wasn’t long before my thoughts finally found an end at this every spot where I stopped to remain. I lifted my eyes from the white marble floor and found myself standing before a transparent room—the room with walls of glass—the ICU.

My feet remained rooted for a while as I watched through glass. A figure of a girl lay harmless on the hospital bed; a blue tube crawled from her bedside into her mouth, and countless other small transparent tubes remained loosely tangled on her as well. Monitors blinked steadily beside her.

I watched painfully, knowing how her life now depended on all of the cold tubes and machines attached to her, when I could still clearly remember how she used to be an independent and brave young girl.

I raised my hand and felt my palm touch the cold translucent door. It made a soft whining sound as I slowly pushed it open, followed by numerous beeping sounds. I grew weary.

This was the moment I would end it all.

SEPTEMBER 19
2008

I scanned through my favorite website, my laptop sitting warmly on my legs. I was on the floor with my back leaning opposite my bedside; my mind was whirling with different thoughts: school, friends, money, Christmas, although I was aware that it was indeed too early to think about that.

It was Friday night and I didn’t have much to do, and I bet my sister was bored as hell too. She had more things to do than I usually had though. She’s athletic, popular, kind, and a lot friendlier than I was. But tonight, she had nothing to keep her busy either. And so she went to see me.

“Hey,” she peeked into my room, her curly black hair swaying down, complementing her obviously-athletic movement.

“Hey,” I looked up to her and smiled a little.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved her presence a lot. She was my best friend, or… not really, I wanted her as a best friend. I mean, she was nice and very considerate, and she was never boring either. A lot of people thought she was fun to be with, and I would say that it was true.

I loved her to death, but I didn’t show it. You see, we only have exactly a year of age gap, well… almost exactly a year. She was born on the twenty-eighth of December; I was born a year later, on the twenty-ninth. And it was awkward, let alone the fact that we were on the same grade and on the same class nevertheless. I skipped a grade, I was a really excellent student just like that: straight-A’s, never gone from the honors list, got multiple English and Math awards. And she adored me for that, she adored me for it more than anybody else. And I completely adored her for everything. We were each other’s number one fan, no kidding.

“Are you doing something important?” she smiled back as she moved a few inches into the door, which I left ajar earlier.

“Not if you don’t consider spamming threads important,” I said, motioning for her to come in.

She did come in slowly, both of her legs carrying her body graciously and splendidly across the room. She still wore her sports outfit: a very fit blue shirt with its famous convertible collar and her blue shorts which on it was printed the number twelve, which was both our favorite number. I remembered her begging me to let her use the number for the school games, I agreed without hesitance of course, knowing she would be playing all the games when I would be playing... err, probably none.

I wasn’t athletic at all. I used to kid around her and mom a lot, telling them how I think our mom and dad had given all the athletic skills they had in their genes to my sister and left nothing for me at all. But my sister would make sure that I didn’t feel bad by kidding around as well, this time saying how she thought our mom and dad had kept all the academic skills for their second daughter and that they’d given her none. We were that nice to each other.

“I just thought I would ask you if you would want to come with me to our backyard. You know, so we could unwind a little from all the stress and such. The original plan was I would do that alone. But I saw your door open and thought I might take you along as well,” she said as she went to sit beside me on the cold floor.

“Oh, that was so nice of you,” I beamed at her, lifting my laptop from my lap and laying it slowly on my bed. “I’d be happy too. I think I need that now,” I stood up slowly and smoothed my shorts down, rubbing off the chilliness that was shifted to my legs from the floor. “Could you wait downstairs for me though?” I asked.

“Okay, sure,” she stood up quickly, making her athletic stature obvious to me again, though I was sure she wasn’t doing it on purpose or if she was even aware of how she does that. “See you downstairs then,” she headed straight for the door and, not long after, I heard her footsteps against the wooden stairs.

I folded my laptop, hid it in my drawer, and then reached for my phone. I looked outside the window. The sky was already jet black. I figured it was already chilly outside and thought it would make me feel incredibly uncomfortable, contradicting the fact that my sister just went outside unbothered with just her bare shorts and with nothing to cover her arms at all.

I went across the room to the desk and snatched my pink sweater. I wore it around my shoulders and into its pocket I carelessly slid my phone.

Then I dashed out the door, down the stairway, and out into the beauty of the clearing underneath the sparkling stars.

“Kim!” I called to my sister, who was now standing dreamily in the middle of the yard, just a couple of feet away from our famous big oak tree.

“Hey, feeling cold?” she asked as I darted toward her.

“A bit, do you want my sweater?” I asked her, seeing how she had had her arms wrapped together.

“No, I’m okay, I actually enjoy the night air way too much at the moment,” she beamed, her face enlightened by the moonlight.

“Very well then,” I sighed, bending down to sit on the grass. “What are we going to do here? Just wait for the mist to bite?” I asked.

“I don’t know. What do you want to do?” she asked back, looking down at me on the grass. “Just sit?”

“Maybe,” I crouched, feeling the weariness brought about by the nighttime wind. “And a little sort of entertainment would do,” I added, chuckling a little.

“What kind of entertainment would you want me to do?” she raised her eyebrow jokingly, her lips twitched into a smile.

“I don’t know—” I stopped suddenly when my eyes caught sight of the oak tree standing beside us. “Can you climb that tree?” I said immediately, not thinking clearly of what I was saying.

She looked at it for a while and scanned it slowly and hesitantly, before returning her gaze on me. “Do you want to see me try it?” she asked, not a trace of fright or worry evident in her voice.

“Okay,” I said excitedly, jumping to a standing position.

“You would come with me though?” she asked unexpectedly. I stared at her in horror.

“Did you see how I almost fell down our own staircase yesterday?” I said, staring as she started up the tree.

“Okay then, but if I fall then it’s your entire fault,” she said, her right arm reaching out for a branch. “I was just thinking if you’d try, you know, just so if I would fall, I could grab your arm and we would fall together,” she looked down on me again and winked. I chuckled.

“And you would drag me to death with you?” I muttered.

“Yes. We could die together,” she said, lifting her foot to the branch she was reaching for earlier. “Now,” she sat comfortably on the branch, “Are you entertained?”

“I don’t know,” I jokingly answered.

“This is pretty high up now, you know,” she said, examining the two branches her hand hold on tight to.

“Could you… reach for my hand and pull me up?” I asked suddenly, I felt my voice tremble slightly at the thought.

She sighed and rolled her eyes, “If you had decided to come along with me from the start, then I wouldn’t have to carry your weight now on such a height like this,” she leaned forward and stretched her arm, the other still holding tightly on the branch.

“Thanks,” I whispered as I reached for her arm. I lifted my weight with a little help from hers and put my feet against the tree. I was only beginning to position my other hand around the trunk when,

CRACK.

That was all I heard and unintentionally I let go of her arm. My feet met the ground before I knew it and I felt a painful vibrating sensation up my leg. I looked up.

“Kim, go down from there now,” I said nervously, my heart felt as if it was about explode from my chest.

“No, wait,” she said, standing up from the branch which she sat on earlier. “I could go up the second branch and—” she started reaching for the branch just above her head.

“No, Kim, go down!” I pleaded, my heart racing as I saw her feet exert too much force on the snapping branch.

“Wait, I could go sit here and I could get you—”

“KIM!” I clapped my hand to my mouth as I saw her slide off.

Then she fell to her feet. I almost thanked that she did before she fell on her side, her head hitting the ground obviously without any control, her back was on me and I couldn’t see her face.

I didn’t hear her scream; she let out no sound at all. My mind raced, trying to remember the sound emitted when her head hit the ground, as if I thought that if I could then I would be able tell if her head hit the ground way too hard. I stared at her in panic.

It was too late. The sheet of grass that was once green had just turned into scarlet below her. I ran to her.

“Kim!” I knelt before her, not knowing what to do. I turned her to lie on her back. In no time, my arms were stained in dark red, and they were now shaking. “Wake up, Kim. Don’t die on me, no.”

I touched her cheek and made her face upward. Her eyes were closed and her other cheek was stained as well. Below my knees was a pool of blood. She was losing way too much blood.

My hand searched for my pocket’s sweater and in a few seconds, I got my phone. My hands trembled heavily and I couldn’t push the buttons right. I tried to calm down as tears fell from my face hysterically, my jaw clenched together, and my teeth gritted in sheer panic.

“No, please, don’t die Kim, don’t,” I cried, trying vainly to push the right buttons on my phone.

Finally, I pushed the call button just when I had found my mom’s number. It rang twice.

“Mom, please, please, answer the phone! Please mother, shit, oh shit,” I whispered in fear as my fingers threatened to let go. Then I heard my mom’s voice.

“Andie?” my mother asked, her voice calm and curious.

“Mom… mom, oh my goodness mom, Kim… Kim’s bleeding. Mom. Go home now, mom, please. She’s bleeding.” I stuttered, my face awfully stained with blood and tears.

“Okay, okay, Andie. Calm down. I don’t know what just happened but she needs you now,”

I broke down as she said it. My sister needs me now.

“Andie? I need you to call 911, now. Andie? Do you hear me?” I heard her say beyond my wailing.

“Yes, mom. Mom, go home now, quickly mom,” I said, adding “Mom, I’m scared.”

“Don’t be, just calm down. Call 911 now. I’ll be there honey. Bye Andie, call 911 now.”

Beep. She hung up.

I lowered my phone from my ears and held it tightly with both hands, determined to do what my mother had told me to.

‘My sister needs me.’

Those were the only words I thought about while my fingers desperately pushed buttons 911. Then it rang.

DECEMBER 25
2008

I walked slowly toward the hospital bed, beeping noises and the sound from the ventilator continued flooding painfully and deafeningly into my ears.

I stared at Kim, tears falling down my cheeks silently.

“Merry Christmas, Kim,” I laid my hands on the cold metal frame of her hospital bed and felt my tears drop on them.

That was the very first time I said something to her ever since what had happened three months ago. I knew I was determined to end my silence now. Immediately after the words had left my lips followed another trace of awkwardly unbroken silence. No greeting was heard in return to mine.

I sank down to my knees and continued, “Wake up soon, Kim. Mother won’t talk to me ever since she found out what had happened. This is too much. We all want to hear from you again soon,” I looked up at her just to see her lay there peacefully again, unconscious of everything around her.

I stood carefully and paced towards her bed, feeling my knees weakening. I collapsed on the chair beside her and laid my head on the bed.

I whispered to her ear, “And I miss you, Kim. I really do.” I touched her forehead, she felt cold. “And I’m… sorry. I didn’t want that to happen, I just… I was overwhelmed that we were having… such a good time together. I missed that, a lot.” I was determined to end my guilt, too. I reached for her hand and squeezed it softly, somehow wishing she would squeeze back. But she didn’t.

I stared hopelessly at her, wondering when I would be able to talk to her, or whether I would still be able to talk to her again.

I stayed motionless beside her for a while before I decided to leave. I was just about to exit the room when a nurse who was passing by suddenly stopped and looked to where Kim lay. I stopped as well, curious to know why she did. But in what seemed like a split-second, she ran to the hallway that led to the nurses’ station. I looked behind my shoulder.

And I thought I saw my sister’s eyes open.