A World I Can't Believe

I hated nightmares. They always seemed to fine me though. Me, out of all the people in the world. I always find myself waking up two or three times in the middle of the night, panting and gasping for air. But this time, it was different. I slept all throughout the night, breathing fine, but it was still a horrible dream.

The scene playing behind my closed eyes was almost too realistic to be make-believe. Alex and I were sitting beside the lake he took me to earlier that day. Our fingers were tangled together and childish giggles emitted from my lips as he planted kisses on my neck and cheek. I allowed him to be intimate with me, and I seemed to enjoy it. It was like I remembered everything. When he told me he loved me, I told him I loved him back. When he leaned closer to me, I leaned into him. When he kissed me I kissed him back and I’d never felt more alive and I didn’t want it to end and I just wanted to hold him there forever. He pulled away suddenly and stood up, leaving me there with millions of questions. I could feel my heart ripping into small confetti-like pieces as he climbed into his car and drove away, leaving me with no reason for why I was suddenly so alone.

My eyes fluttered open slowly and I drew in a deep breath. My insides began to feel funny. My stomach was churning and twisting into loops and knots. My limbs almost didn’t want to move, making it nearly impossible to sit up in my sheets. The back of my eyes began to sting and my vision began to blur. I felt my heart being tugged in all different kinds of directions and the feeling made tears well in my eyes. All I could think about what how it felt when I was left alone with no explanation or reason he left without saying goodbye. I wiped my index finger under my eye to catch the falling tears and looked down at my comforter.

It wasn’t but a few minutes later that I heard a faint knock on my bedroom door, it opening slowly after a second. I glanced up, expecting it to be my mom, but when I caught sight of Alex my stomach leapt into my throat. I felt like a burden had been lifted off my shoulders, but I could feel it being dropped right back on me when I noticed the dullness in his eyes. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days and his hair was a disheveled mess. He shut the door quietly behind him and took a few steps in.

“Hey,” he whispered. He never looked up at me, like he was afraid to. He looked like he felt the same way I had in my dream when he left me, with no explanation. I was left there, left to wonder. It was then that I realized why I had that nightmare. It showed me what Alex had been going through. The mere thought was enough to provoke more tears and I failed at controlling the volume of my sobs.

“Are you okay?” Alex asked quietly and hesitantly. He didn’t move, although I wanted nothing more than to be wrapped in his arms. In that moment I could have very well given up on trying to figure out what happened to me and just be happy with him. But I had to know. I nodded quickly and shuddered. His light footsteps towards me gave me reassurance.

“What’s wrong Mary Ashton?” he asked, sitting at the foot of my bed. I shrugged. I really didn’t know. Everything seemed so right. Alex seemed right, but something told me he wasn’t. I wanted him to be right. Right for me.

“I have no idea. I’m just a mess right now. I’m sorry,” I babbled, shaking my head. Alex shrugged back and tilted his head to the side. “I think we’re all pretty messed up right now with everything. Just don’t worry about it if it’s stressing you out so much,” he said with a gloomy tone. “But, you should get ready for school. I’ll take you if you want me to…” his voice trailed off.

I sniffed and nodded, pushing my blankets off of me. Within half an hour I was ready to go and Alex walked behind me to his car. My mom gave me a concerned glance as we went through the front door, but I ignored it. Alex drove to a Starbucks went through the drive through. I was relieved that I still liked my plain mocha coffee with whipped cream. Alex got the same and drove us off to school while we sipped quietly on our drinks.

School looked as uninviting as ever and I huffed as I climbed out of the car. Alex waited for me by his trunk so we could walk to my locker together. His hand bumped mine a few times and I just wished he would have gotten hold of it. I switched out my books and shut my locker and leaned against the hard, cold metal, just looking up at Alex. He had a contemplating expression playing with his facial features.

“I want to try something, if that’s okay with you. If you don’t want to feel free to speak up,” he said. I nodded, a tight movement of my head and stood still as he inched his way towards me. I’m sure we both expected me to say something to stop what was about to happen, but I wanted it more than anything. I wanted to know if what I felt in the dream was how it really felt to be kissed my Alex. He was so close I could take a deep breath in and he would be resting his lips against mine, but I stood still.

It was in that moment that I was convinced someone in the world had it out for me. The school bell sounded, signaling that we had five minutes to get to our first class. It took me the whole five minutes to get all the way across campus, but I didn’t want to miss this. Alex stared at my lips as I tried so hard to stop them from shaking.

“You should get to class,” he whispered, the movement of his lips making me crave them more. I took a deep breath and pulled my bottom lip between my teeth, shaking me head quickly. “I can be late,” I suggested. Alex’s eyes shot up to meet mine and I could see the want deep in them. He quickly moved his mouth to mine and I instantly felt like I would faint. His lips, despite their appearance, were so soft as they pressed against mine. It was all I could do to stay standing. My heart was pounding like I’d just run a marathon. Butterflies were flying rapidly in the bit of my stomach and I caught myself smiling. Alex pulled away after a moment and smiled down to me. I tried to catch my staggering breath.

I wanted to stay there forever. Well, maybe not there, but I wanted to be with him. He made me feel good. When I looked him in the eyes I could feel what he was feeling. And in that moment, I could tell he was feeling the best he had in a while. He moved in for another quick kiss and took a step back. “See you in Spanish,” he said, his previous gloomy voice replaced with one full of hope. I smiled after him as he ran down the hallway.

“Cant wait,” I muttered, a feeling of relief washing over me.