A World I Can't Believe

Alex and I were sitting on his living room couch, the TV muted and some soft music playing. The windows were open, making the room comfortable as the spring breeze wafted in. My hands were placed carefully in his as we faced each other. I had so many questions that I was longing to have answered, but some of them made me nervous.

“Alright,” he smiled. “Ask away.”

I scanned the questions in my head, trying to decide which ones I wanted answered first. “When did we start dating?”

Alex smiled, and that sent a wave of relief over me. Normally when I asked questions about us that should already be known, he frowns or looks like someone’s just ripped his heart in two. I could tell he was willing to tell me everything I wanted to know. “April 5th, almost two years ago.”

“Ok,” I smiled. “How did we start dating? Like, how did you ask me to be your girlfriend?”

“It was kind of cheesy and lame. Jack helped me come up with it. We had these fortune cookies made, and they all said stuff like ‘You will be Alex Gaskarth’s’. You thought it was cute, but I thought it was kind of dumb. Thinking back, I wish I would’ve come up with something a little more creative,” he shrugged.

I squeezed his hands and smiled. “That’s adorable, Alex.” He shrugged with a smug grin plastered on his face and nodded for me to continue. I blushed at the thought. “First kiss?” I asked and ran a hand through my hair.

“Which one?” he laughed. My eyes widened as I chuckled. “How many were there?”

“Two. Our very first one was in fourth grade, but our official couple kiss thing was at the beach.”

I looked down at our hands and sighed. “Tell me about both.”

Alex winced as if remembering something painful. “For our very first one, I was chasing you around the playground. You kept telling me to get away but I kept chasing you and eventually tackled you to the ground. It was a very messy kiss. I think I, like, licked your cheek or something.”

I had to cover my mouth to keep my laugh from being too loud. Alex bit his bottom lip and continued. “You ended up kicking my shin and while I was rolling in an ant pile, crying because of my leg, you ran off and told the teacher on me. I had to stand on the Bad Wall all week.”

“Aw, I’m sorry,” I chuckled. “What about our second one?”

He scooted his way closer to me and rested his head on the back of the couch. “It was the same night I asked you to be my girlfriend. We went to a bonfire and I’d just gotten my car so I drove us. We were lying on its hood, staring at the stars and sharing crazy stories. I guess I just got the urge, so I leaned over and kissed you. You told me I’d gotten better since the last time I’d done it,” he smiled.

I grinned and glanced at the TV. I just wished I could remember all of it, because it sounded like something I would’ve really enjoyed. My thoughts were interrupted when Alex’s hand rested on my cheek. I looked at him, his eyes full of hope. “Can I kiss you now? If you’re comfortable with it, that is.”

I didn’t take a minute to think about it. Instead I dove right in, heart first and felt at ease once his lips were against mine. It picked up quickly and I felt myself leaning back against the cushions of the couch and he never let his lips leave mine. I had a feeling where it was going and I was shocked. Not because it was happening, but because I wanted it. I wanted to know what he felt like in every single way. To my misfortune he pulled away and licked his bottom lip.

“If I was smart, or selfish, I would’ve let that continue. But I can’t right now,” he sighed and sat back up, pulling me with him. I probably should’ve told him it was me that was moving in that direction, but I left it alone.

Half an hour passed and I’d found out a lot about our relationship. I’d also learned a lot about him. His favorite color was light blue. His birthday was December 14. His parents were gone a lot on business trips. He loved to make the most of living. I was realizing how amazing he was.

We were laughing and making fun of the people in the ridiculous commercials on the sports channel. I scanned the numerous pictures of him and his family until I came across one of him and a boy who was undoubtedly his brother. He hadn’t mentioned him while he spoke of his family though. I tapped his shoulder and pointed to the picture. “Is that your brother?” I asked.

Alex tensed up and took in a deep breath and nodded slowly. “Was.” Guilt played with my insides and I got a feeling that I shouldn’t have mentioned anything. I sat in silence and hoped he would forget I even asked. “He, uh, died about a year ago,” he sighed.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “We don’t have to talk about it. Forget I asked.”

“He committed suicide actually. Shot himself. We got into a huge fight and I said things I shouldn’t have even been thinking. I still haven’t forgiven myself.”

I reached over carefully and took his hand in mine. My heart was breaking for him. He looked at me and tried to smile but instead put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me into his side. I wrapped my arms tightly around his waist, resting my head against his chest. I stared at the picture of them until something fell from above, landing on his shirt and leaving a wet stain. I picked my head up and I wanted to cry at the sight of tears collecting in his eyes. Some spilled out as he tried to blink them away and I wiped them away quickly before resting my forehead against his.

“I know I may not remember, Alex. But if there’s ever anything you need to talk about, at any time, I’ll always listen. I promise.”

Alex smiled and pulled his face away from mine. “You know, you’re the only reason I’m still here. After it all happened, I wanted nothing more than to just die with him. But you wouldn’t let me. You talked to me. You listened. You helped me through it and for that I’ll be forever thankful. I just don’t think you understand how much you mean to me Mary Ashton. You are my fucking world. You’re the only thing I’m here for. It’s all because of you.”

This boy, as I was coming to realize, had a way with words. He could’ve said ‘hello’ and I would have fallen for him even harder, all because of how he said it. I smiled and kissed him quickly. “I love you Alex.”

He seemed taken aback by my words as he started to smile, but tilted his head instead. “Are you sure?”

Yes, I was sure. Hell yes.