Maxim's Adventure Through Life and Death

I walked through school like nothing was wrong. People smiled and waved at me like they couldn't see behind my false smile. I felt like I was wearing a mask, and in a sense I was. I never knew I could put on a smile and play pretend, but then again I've done it everyday of my life. But things were different now. Before I had someone to talk to, someone to be open with. Until that person had to tear it away from me.

"Hey Max," someone called out to me. I didn't turn to see who. Instead I just waved and smiled.

I felt like a zombie walking around, doing everything just as I've done it before. The whole time I listened in class my mind was somewhere else. To the idea of my own death. How should it happen? Jumping? Slitting? Chocking? Poisoning? There was so many different ways it could happen. So many different scenarios. How could someone pick just one. I felt like a little kid in a candy store, so much to choice from, but only a dollar to spend. What would be my last meal? My last pair of clothes? The last person I talked to? I couldn't think about it now. If I did, I would chicken out.

I looked down to my desk where a geometry paper had been passed to me. I silently filled in the correct numbers while my mind was screaming at me: How can you be doing math when you're going to die later? When you are going to kill yourself? You don't need to be doing anything. The bell rang and I scrambled to collect my notebooks and pencils. The room cleared, but I was still there reaching for my backpack and cramming it all in the tight space. Justin made his way towards me. I almost forgot he had geometry with me. I'm so use to not talking to him in it school. I jumped when he touched my shoulder.

"Hey," he started.

"What do you want Justin? I'm done with your games you know."

"I know. I didn't want to...try it again," He responded, struggling with his wording. He glanced over at the teacher who was too busy playing spider solitaire to notice us.

"Then why are you over here?" I asked, a bit crushed.

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. But I'm not-" He lowered his voice. "I don't think I'm gay." He told me only loud enough for me to hear.

"How can you be gay one second and then completely straight the next?" I hissed at him, keeping my voice low too.

"I just am." He said. I rolled my eyes.

"Justin, do you remember that time in my car? The first time I touched you. You told me how that felt so much better than anytime with a girl and that spark we felt when we kissed? I know you felt it to." His ears began growing red thinking of the memories. The blush spread to his cheeks, and I wanted to touch them, stroke them. But he turned his head down.

"I'm sorry. I just- I can't be gay." He left the room and as I watched him go I felt that lump in my throat again. This time I didn't care. I let the hot tears gush from my eyes. I walked to the empty halls and listened as my feet tapped against the linoleum. It was a sickly green color. They must have gotten it to make the barf green locker color. I jammed everything in my tiny bag. I had already dropped my books off in the book store. I didn't want my mom having to pick everything up. It would kill her.