Atonement

Once I had signed the necessary forms, I gave them to Madam Pomfrey.She glanced through them, then said, "Go back to your room. Come see me tomorrow morning, before breakfast. Got that?"

"Yes, ma'am," I mumbled, then trudged to my room. Snape, McGonagall, and Dumbledore stayed behind to talk about something.

When I fell into bed, my hair in its usual plaits to keep it from becoming hopelessly tangled in the night, I was asleep almost before my head hit the pillow.

The next day was the first day I was on the potion. Madam Pomfrey had reiterated the side effects, reminded me that I would have a glass of wine to drink that night, gave me dosing instructions since it would be impractical to be running back to her every hour, and let me leave.

That first day was a nightmare. I fell asleep no less than three times, the third time falling out of my seat in Divination and breaking a crystal ball on Neville's lap. The glass cut the right side of my face to ribbons and shredded his thighs. We both had to go to the hospital wing. I apologized incessantly, both non our way there and on our way back. Madam Pomfrey had given me Pepper-Up Potion, and I was able to stay awake.

I had Care of Magical Creatures that afternoon; I stayed behind after the lesson to talk to Professor Hagrid.

"Professor?" I began cautiously as I began to help him clean up the droppings of the Blast-Ended Skrewt.

"Yeah, Hermione?" he grunted as he shoveled shovelfuls of manure into a compost heap.

"Um." I swallowed nervously. "I was wondering if you could help me with something." I stopped, wondering how best to phrase my request while I shoveled manure as well.

"Wha' is it, Hermione?" The half-giant stopped to turn and look at me, leaning on his shovel.

I began carefully, "Five of us here at Hogwarts have powers beyond the ordinary-"

"Like wha' you 'nd Malfoy did in class last year."

I nodded, recalling when Malfoy, having just hit magical adulthood, threw a ball of earth at me without meaning to. "Yes, like that. The thing is, there are five of us. I'm asking you to help me teach them the next stage."

"Whadda yeh need?"

"I need to teach them to talk to animals inside their magic. That is the next step. I was thinking to start with harmless, nonmagical things, like garden worms, then move up to more dangerous nonmagical animals, then start on harmless magical animals, like flobberworms, and start working toward more dangerous creatures. Would you be willing to help me find those, and maybe to let us stay out here to practice?"

"O' course!" he said. "I'm yer teacher, Hermione. Anythin' ter do with creatures, I'm yer ma."

"Thank you, Professor."

The next day was easier for me to get through, and the following week even more so. It was finally Friday, and I met my four students in a room off the Entrance Hall. I explained to them what we were going to try, and they all made noises of interest and assent. I led them out of the castle down to Hagrid's hut. He met us just outside the paddock.

"These good, Hermione?" he asked, holding out a bucket of earthworms. They seemed to be slightly larger than normal, though . . .

"Hagrid, has magic ever been used on these?" I asked him.

"Well . . . maybe a bit, ter help 'em grow, yeh see."

I nodded. "I understand, Professor Hagrid. Since its just a shape change," I mused to myself, "would it affect their minds at all . . . ? Can't hurt to try, I suppose."

"All right, you lot," I said, "you know the drill. Start."

"Can I stay ter watch?" Hagrid asked eagerly.

"I don't see why not," I replied, "giving you're going to all this trouble to help us out. I will warn you, though, the first half hour is going to be mighty boring for anyone watching."

"What're yeh doin'?"

"Meditating," I replied, sitting on the ground.When I judged they had meditated long anough (I had meditated before I had come), I said softly, "We're trying something new today, guys. While you know we'll be talking to animals tonight, we first have to learn to meld.We need to learn to leave our bodies and mingle with the air, with each other, on a higher plane . . ." As I gave them instructions in that calm, mellow whisper that sounded like part of their own minds, I studied their faces. Malfoy, Potter, and Bones' were conflicted as they tried this new trick; Lovegood's was serene. That was one theory confirmed, then: she had been experimenting on her own.

"Open your minds," I whispered. I entered my meditative state and ghosted through their heads, whispering encouragement and instruction, until they were all outside their bodies.

"I know this is scary," I continued. "But, by doing this, you can see everything within a hundred miles. You can feel every living thing in the Forest and on the grounds. The castle itself is warded against such magic.

"Does everyone remember how they got to this point?" At their assent, I helped them back into their bodies and led them to the bucket of earthworms. "Remember how it felt," I said, speaking normally once more. I noted Hagrid watching, Fang standing next to him with his tail wagging.

"The larger, smarter, more magical the animal, the harder it will be to talk to them," I informed them. "The giant squid, for example, would be nearly impossible-he is, as the name implied, extremely large; he's been around for more than a thousand years, so he's bound to have learned plenty; likewise, he's soaked up enough magic over the years for several dragon colonies to live off of for almost a decade. On a scale of ten, they're the ten.

"Dragons, meanwhile, are large and highly magical, but their brains are no bigger than a snake's, and they use less of it. They are almost entirely instinct-driven, making them very predictable. Nesting dragons will destroy any animal that comes near. One a scale of ten, they're probably a six.

"The worms we're using today are small, non-magical, and dumb as rocks. These are about a zero-point-one. Once you get these down, we'll go to larger, more dangerous, non-magical animals. When you can talk to-what do you think, lions?-we'll start small with magical animals.

"Any questions?"

"Will we get stuck in the animal's mind?" Bones asked, a quaver in her voice.

I sighed. "Bones, if you get stuck in a worm's mind, there's something wrong. That said, I'll sort you out if there are any problems, especially with the larger animals. Any other questions?"

Their hesitance made me smile, but it felt alien on my face. I had a feeling it was more a mocking hook than a true smile, anyway. "There are no stupid questions, remember? Only stupid people."

I checked my watch, scowled, and pulled out the flask of potion. Capped to it was a measuring spoon set. I took two tablespoons and a teaspoon, grimacing at the taste, and placed it back in a hidden pocket of my robes.

"I've got a question," Potter said suddenly. "What's in that flask?"

"You suck at potions, Potter, but even you should recognize it as medicine."

"I meant, what was it for?"

"Brain cancer," I said flatly. "Can we get on with it, please? There will be enough time to talk about this in the next three years, I'm sure. Any questions related to the subject?"

Their silence was enough of an answer for me. Mad at Potter, at the whole world, I kept them later, ruthlessly pushing them until they could communicate with the earthworms without having to enter the meditative state. Sensing my fury (aimed mostly at myself), irritation (aimed mostly at Potter), homicidal mood (aimed at everyone and everything), and vulnerability, they left me alone, working at their task in silence. When I pronounced them finished, it was nearly midnight and they were all tired to the point of being unable to see straight.

"Thanks, Professor," I said, exhausted, clearing up the grassy space just outside the paddock. "Don't forget-meditation every day, and clear your mind every night!" I called to my students' retreating backs. They grumbled and held their hands up in response.

"No problem," he grumbled. "When can we do this again?"

"Next Friday all right? Same time?"

"All righ'. What animals d'yeh want nex' week?"

Once we had ironed out the details, I smiled wearily at him and headed back to the castle myself, arriving more quickly than my four had and catching them talking in the Entrance Hall.

I hid just outside, listening to their conversation.

"She was a bitch tonight!" That was Potter.

Malfoy retorted, "Gee, I wonder why? Couldn't be because of your idiotic question, could it?"

"Leave him alone, Malfoy, he's right," Bones snapped. "I realized something tonight, though. She might just take herself out sometime soon. I think needing to teach us is the only thing keeping her going, keeping her on some semblance of sanity."

"I think so, too." Lovegood's voice was surprisingly focused. "Have you looked at her lately? Really looked? Her eyes are washed out, she has bags under them, her skin's paler than Draco's, her nails are destroyed, and she's constantly about to start crying. I wonder why."

"Stress," Potter said, and he sounded vaguely guilty.

"Why would she be stressed? I mean, yes, she's teaching us, and she's got a full schedule, but what else does she have to be stressed about?"

"How about," I said softly, opening the door all the way, "a death sentence, AIDS from my loving father"-they all heard the sarcasm there-"residual guilt over killing my sisters and making my mother leave, and managing to alienate the only person outside my family who ever cared what happened to me?"

They stared at me. "Come," I beckoned, leading the way toward our usual classroom. "We need to talk, the four of you and me."

When we were settled, Bones asked, "Why did you say 'the four of you and me'?"

"Because I don't belong here, not really. I am your teacher. You are my students. That will never change, no matter how much I wish it would."

"Let's go through these one at a time," Malfoy said, holding up a hand. "First-the death sentence thing. What's that all about?"

"It ties in to the AIDS. The AIDS and the brain cancer are destroying my body. I'll be lucky to see the other side of seventeen; eighteen is beyond the realm of possibility." I smiled wanly. Bones was correct on one thing-you guys are the only thing that's stopping me from crawling into a dark corner to die. And face it, who would miss me? You wouldn't; if I didn't have you four to teach, you would be mocking me as much as the rest of your Houses do. The only two who would are my seven-year-old Tommy and the caregiver at the orphanage I ended up at."

"Okay," Malfoy said slowly. "Let's come back to that. How did you get AIDS from your father?"

I looked at him, appalled. "Please tell me you don't have to ask. Take it up with your father. Or mother. Whichever, I don't care."

Disgusted, he said, "I meant, how did it happen? Not how you got the disease, but how you ended up in that sort of position with your father, of all people!"

I shrugged. "A four-year-old can't really fight off her father when he's drunk, now, can she?" I said. A bitter , mocking expression bloomed on my face. "Gotta love the system. I tell my teachers, they think I'm lying. I tell my guidance counselor, they laugh at me." I sighed. "At least I kept him form my sisters."

"Which brings us to the next one: how did you kill your sisters?"

"I couldn't protect them. I'm a failure, I'm a cheat, I don't deserve to live-"

"Hermione, stop!" Potter cried. Him calling me 'Hermione' again git my attention more than his words or tone. "Of course you deserve to live. I'm the one who doesn't, after going all berserk on you for trying to dodge kidnap charges."

"Kidnap charges?" Bones demanded.

"Later," I said, dismissing the issue. Anyway-someone broke into my house while I was out grocery shopping. When I came back, I found them-their bodies were on the floor-their heads were hanging from the chandelier like some twisted freak's idea of a Christmas tree-"

My voice had risen to hysterical levels again. Malfoy cast a Silencing Charm on the door, then joined the others in trying to calm me down.

Once I was calm enough to think rationally, Bones said, "So what about your mother leaving?"

"Stupid woman," I growled. "Left when I was three, left a note saying it was my fault. It was her fault my father began to drink and went on crack and heroin and LSD."

"And the alienating the only person who cared about you?" Lovegood prompted.

"Potter can explain better than I can," I said, pointing at him.

So he explained about our long history. About how I had found him on the street, badly beaten and barely alive. About how I had taken him in. About how, once the Ministry found out, they tried to force statutory kidnap charges. About how I had let him goin order to help us both. About how badly he took it.

Somewhere in his recitation, I began to cry. When he got to how badly he had taken me having to leave him, my breaths became louder, until they were sobs.

First Malfoy touched my arm. Then Luna hugged me. Slowly, ever so slowly, it became the four of them supporting me, holding me until I could cry no more,

Though none of us would admit it outright, something among us changed.