When You Wake up and Scream

Naoise stomped up to her dormitory and flung the door open, dumping her bags on her bed. As she did so, Mary, one of her three roommates, looked up at her interestedly, wondering why Naoise was so annoyed.

"What's wrong, Naoise?"

"Do you remember that weirdo I told you about? Who I saw last night?"

"Yeah?"

"He just followed me all the way back here from the GPO, steaming off his head on whiskey. I was mortified – it was the single most embarrassing experience of my entire life."

Mary smiled sympathetically.

"Sounds like you had a good time."

"Oh, it was well and truly riveting."

"What was he saying?"

"As many cheesy things as you could think off, and then he led a group of grannies to believe that I knew him, and not only that, but that I loved him. You should see him! He must be homeless or something, the state he was in."

"Did you get his name?"

"No, but he wanted mine."

"Did you give it to him?"

"No! Of course I didn't. Over my dead body."

"Sounds like he has a bit of a crush." Mary giggled, and Naoise groaned.

"Mary! I will have to slap you in a minute. I'm sorry, but that's the way you're heading."

"Awh, Naoise, you're not that violent."

"Want a bet? I already slapped him."

Mary laughed.

"Someone must have got up on the wrong side of the bed today."

"No, someone just doesn't like bums following them home." Naoise paused and then giggled. "Perhaps I could bring him in to Psychology and we could all do some experiments on him? I can see the title of the paper now. "What Makes Someone So Stupid And Idiotic?" It would be quite fun."

There was a knock on the slightly ajar door and it creaked open a little more.

"Naoise?"

"What?"

It was a girl from down the hall who was in Naoise's Psychology lectures.

"There's someone hanging around outside who's asking for you. Well, I think it's you, anyway. You're the only one I know who has the hair he described."

"It's because you're ginger." Mary giggled, and Naoise rolled her eyes.

"Shut your face, Mary, you big bully, it's strawberry blonde."

"Sure it is."

"See the torment I have to put up with?" Naoise asked the other girl, who laughed. "What did this guy look like, dare I ask?"

"A bum." she replied bluntly, and Naoise groaned.

"You have to be joking." she muttered. "Well, I had better go down and see him before he starts telling everyone we're related or something awful."

She dragged her feet out slowly and there, standing across the courtyard, was the young whiskey-swilling lad. Looking at him closely, which had been something she had been trying to avoid, she could see that she was mistaken in his age. She had thought he had been a lot older, but when she saw him properly, she could see that he could easily be her age, if not a couple of years older. She felt a tug of sympathy for him, though she knew not where from.

"What on Earth do you want?" she asked him when she caught up, though not as viciously as she had been speaking to him before.

"What on Earth do I want?" he replied, putting his head to one side and watching her with dark and glittering brown eyes. "I would really like a nice house and a car and a decent job and a nice bit of money, perhaps a Caribbean cruise, you know? Why, what about you?"

Naoise rolled her eyes.

"I would like you to go away and stop stalking me, that's what I would like."

"Well, life sucks, doesn't it, because neither of our dreams are going to come true anytime soon."

"Will you just tell me what you're following me around for?" Naoise groaned.

"I just wanted to chat, you know? It's a lonely life, and you're clearly as insane as me for wandering around Dublin at the time of night I seen you at."

"Perfect grammar, there."

"Thank you."

"That was sarcasm."

"I know."

"You're not as stupid as I thought, then?"

"And why did you think I was stupid, pray tell?"

"Because you walk around in the middle of the day swigging whiskey and stalking young girls?"

"Well, I suppose when you say it like that it sounds a little worse."

"So, are you going to go now?"

"Go where? This is a lot more fun."

"Go anywhere!" Naoise rolled her eyes. "As long as it's anywhere but where I am!" she added, as he stepped half a foot to the left.

"Tell us your name."

"No."

"I already know it anyway."

"No you don't."

"Yes I do, Naoise McCullough."

Naoise gawped.

"How did you know that was my name?"

"Your friend told me. It's a nice name, that. I thought Naoise was a boy's name, though."

"It can be." Naoise replied, still annoyed that he knew who she was. She would be having a word with Frances when she next saw her. "But it's used as a girl's name now, too."

"Interesting, I suppose."

"And who might you be, then?"

"Me? Conán Connolly, pleased to meet you."

"I'm sure you are." Naoise replied. "Now, I need to go now, because I have a lot more shopping to do and I'm not leaving my room until the city centre is a Conán-free zone."

"That ain't never gonna happen, little missy."

"What joy." Naoise muttered. "Well, suit yourself. I'm just going."

"Do you want company?"

"No, but I'm sure that you're going to provide it no matter what I say?"

"Of course!" Conán chuckled, tagging along beside her as they made their way back out onto the busy road and turned left, heading for Grafton Street.

"You stink, you know that?" Naoise asked her new companion. "I'm going to get drunk just smelling you."

Conán just laughed, but he threw his coat on, which made him look a little more respectable and a little less smelly.

"Perhaps that would make you lighten up a little, eh?"

"No way, not when I'm confronted with a weirdo like you." she cast him a sideways glance. Considering he had just put away a vast amount of straight whiskey, he wasn't acting overly drunk.

"What makes me a weirdo?" he asked with an air of interest. She decided to point this fact out and he laughed. "I've been drinking since I was knee high." he told her, with a slight ounce of pride to his voice.

"Oh, really? Well, well done you for destroying your liver before you barely even had one."

"Livers are evil and must be punished." Conán laughed. "You don't live for forever, lass. At least lie on your deathbed and know that you have squeezed every ounce of life out of yourself."

"I'll remember those words of wisdom."

"You should. You never know when your time will be up."

"You're very morbid."

Conán shrugged.

"Meh."

They walked up Grafton Street and to the top, where they reached St Stephen's Green Shopping Centre.

"I know this place." Conán informed her. "I used to steal from here until the security guards starting latching onto me."

Naoise frowned.

"'Well, I can assure you if you get into any of that business while you're with me, you're on your own."

"And don’t I know it?"

"I could get thrown out of University if you get me into trouble."

"That would be a terrible shame."

"It would indeed." Naoise agreed, as they went up the escalator.

"You wouldn't want to end up like me, lass."

"Indeed I wouldn't! What do you do with yourself?"

"Well, I do odd jobs here and there, but there's not a lot of work going at the moment. So on my days off I wander around and harass young University students."

"Tell me something I don't know."

"I nearly died from flu once."

"What?"

"You said, "Tell me something I don't know". I nearly died from flu once." Conán grinned. Naoise paused, and then she did something she never thought she would do, and she laughed.