The Webs We Weave

I was there, but I was not there. I was looking at Matt, telling him that I loved him, but it was not me. It was a lie, all of it, and there was part of me that wanted to tell him, but that was the thing. When I was not around Ronnie, I was just not, well, me. I needed him more than I needed a drug, Matt, or my job, I mean I was happy with what I have but I found it depressing that I could not have what I wanted the most.

“What’s wrong?” Matt’s voice called from beside me. It seemed like light years away, a distant message of someone I used to know and care about. It was ridiculous how wound up I was getting. “Nothing, just a little tired.” Excuses always worked. “Oh, um…did Ronnie really only need milk?” I looked at him and tried a convincing smile. “Yeah, Caitlyn’s birthday is coming up and he wanted to be able to make her a cake. All the guys are on tour except Max and Max is a little busy being a dad so he came here. I haven’t even seen him in a few years so it surprises me as well.” He nodded and turned away. “Let’s go out tonight.” I looked at him and shook my head; I was in no mood to be with him. “I would rather not.” I saw the frustration in his features and I knew there was a storm coming. “You never want to go out anymore, it is all about staying in and talking about how fucking Ronnie broke your heart. Come on Clover, get the fuck over it. It is the past, how can you marry me if you cant even be seen in public with me?” “Fuck off Matt, Ronnie killed my insides okay, I can be depressed if I want. And god fucking forbid me be a little bit tired. I don’t want to go out tonight, and if you don’t like it go home.” He did not say anything else, he just stood up and walked away from me and grabbed his bag. “Fine, I will go home, and tomorrow I will call you and let you know if I still want to marry you or not. Because baby, I love you, but I am Matt Good, and I can have anyone I want.” His statement reminded me so much of Ronnie and I tried desperately not to laugh. No wonder I had been attracted to him, he was exactly like Ronnie.

He slammed the door and I laughed before pulling my phone out and dialed Ronnie’s number. “Hello?” “Hey, Caitlyn this is Clover, I need to talk to him about something with the record label.” There was a shuffling sound and Ronnie came on. “You have a photo shoot in ten minutes at my house. Clothing optional.” I heard a laugh and he muttered an okay before hanging up.

There was a knock at my door and I ran and flung it open. Rider was standing there, her face streaked with tears. I held the door open and she walked in. I called Ronnie back and he muttered his usual hello. “Rider is here, she is upset.” “Well, Max is here and he is not much better, and he has the kid.” I hung up and looked at Rider. Her eyes were swollen and her voice was hoarse when she asked to sit down. “Yeah, what happened?” I asked her as she took a seat on the couch. “He told me that he couldn’t be with me anymore. He said he was in love with another girl and he couldn’t be with me if he couldn’t be with me.” “What girl?” “You.” “Oh shit.” I hoped for Max’s sake and safety he did not mention that to Ronnie, or he would be in some serious trouble. “I just don’t understand Clover.” I wrapped her arms around her and she cried into my shoulder. “I don’t either baby, but I am sure Ronnie will be able to talk some sense into him.” “Yeah I hope. But he already had papers.” “Oh shit, he is going to say something.” “What do you mean.” “Nothing, I will be right back, Caitlyn and Ronnie live in Ronnie’s house right?” She nodded and looked at me puzzled. I grabbed my keys and rushed out to my car, hopefully I would not be there when he told Ronnie the bad news.