The Webs We Weave

"It was a thursday. Ronnie left me on a thursday. I walked up the apartment steps and I saw his note. 'Clover, I love you so much. Dont forget me, but I have to leave. It is over, we are only causing one another pain. Love Ronnie. Or something like that. I threw my groceries down and I called my sister. I had pleaded her to tell me where he was and why he left me. I told her I was sober, I just needed Ronnie. I did not even get that final fix that day. I spent the rest of the month just sitting in my apartment crying. Nicky and Monte visited me all the time, they still do. Monte and I are especially close. And oddly enough Omar and Robert are pretty close with me as well. As odd as it sounds the only people I no longer talk to in that group are my sister, Max and well...him." The man nodded and I sat up. "Well, no need to tell me all the details today I suppose." "And then Matt came along. We are getting married in like six months, he really picked me up out of the dirt. I was working on his tour at the time. He is in a band that was signed to our label at the time. They have changed labels, but I am still with him. But all I seem to think about it that fuck face. It is like a movie on repeat in my fucking head. How am I supposed to marry Matt if I cannot stop thinking about him? How can I bee Mrs. Good if all I can think about is how I lost the opportunity to be Mrs. Radke?" The man pushed his glasses up on his face and scribbled something down on his notepad. I stood up and walked to the door. "Well, I think I am going to go now." He nodded and I left the doctors office silently and made my way out to my car.

I glanced at my cell phone. Three New Voice Mails I smiled and pushed the listen button. "Hey Nicky here, just wanted to let you know um that I am here at Jackson's birthday party, Rider said that she wishes you well. Dude Max go away I am on the freaking phone! I am going to kill you! Stop talking about that!" I smiled but not because of her message. In the background I heard it. That voice that had left me so long ago and I heard the words that I was sure I would never hear again. 'I dont know Max.' was all he said, but it was his voice and that was enough for now, it had to be enough. "Hey Monte here, whats up? I was wondering if you wanted to get coffee with me later, I want to talk to you. Text me." I smiled and made a mental note to text him my answer. "Hey baby, Tour is going great, I miss you though. Cannot wait to see you when I get home. Only one more week. I love you." I hung up my phone and text Monte that I would meet him at my apartment. I still lived in the apartment that Ronnie and I had lived in, but I never told Matt why I refused to get rid of it. And I certainly never told him why I refused to throw away or stop wearing some of the beat up shirts that Ronnie had left behind. Some times I felt lost in translation with every one.

I drove around Vegas and over to where I used to live. I heard that Max and Rider were living in my moms old house. She had died from cancer a year ago, Shauna and Jen had told me otherwise I never would have known. I saw her outside from time to time. She still did not look like a mom to me. Her and Jackson would be outside playing in the grass and I would hear the guitar from upstairs and knew they were practicing, all of them. It was pathetic how devoted I still was to them. I would log on to their myspace every day, especially his. I still remember that day that his status went back to single, I cried so much. Nicky came over and cooked my cake and she and I had a movie weekend. And then we had an ice cream party when it went back to 'In A Relationship' because that meant he had moved on.

I pulled back up to the apartment complex and went up to my door and unlocked it. The place was a mess, all of Ronnie's things were exactly where he left them, the only change was the picture on the wall. I had taken it down because it hurt to much to see him looking at me. That twinkle in his eyes and that smirk. I loved that smirk. I would see it every time I closed my eyes at night. Even after a year a piece of me was still devoted to being in love with Ronnie and I was sure that was never going to change.

I had tried to call him, he never changed his number and neither did I, I know every time I called him that it popped up on his screen, that picture of me and him kissing in that apple orchard. That was my favorite picture. I never called anymore, I stopped about two years ago. He was never going to pick up. I just wanted to tell him I was clean, tell him that I thought about him, that I would always love him. My phone rang and I picked it up. "Hello?" "Hey, it is Monte, I will be there in a few minutes mkay?" I nodded and then muttered an okay and hung up. I smiled and waited patiently before he burst through the door

"Hey!" He said wrapping me in a hug. "Hey yourself." I laughed. "How are you holding up?" I looked at him, he understood the pain I was going through, his girlfriend and him dated for a year and a half before they broke up, so he understood. I shook my head and busied myself wringing my hands together. "Not good huh? Want to talk about it?" I looked at him and flicked away a tear. "What is there to talk about Monte, I am engaged to a great man, and I have not even seen Ronnie for like two years, what do I care if he doesn't? For all he knows I could be dead and he does not care at all." He looked away. "I have to make a call." I nodded. "You can say you are calling Ronnie Monte it doesn't bother me, scouts honor." He laughed. "Nah, I am calling Shauna, I think you, me, and her need to have an ice cream party." I laughed but nodded and he left the room, and within an hour Shauna was there in her pajamas with three giant cartons of ice cream and a bag of movies. I loved these people.... but ice cream would never numb this aching heart.