The Webs We Weave

"So, uh now that he is gone. Rider called me the other day, accusing me of sleeping with Max and being a whore and well, there is not anything good I am about to tell you. Most of it has nothing to do with me but well, I know there is one thing you will not like." He looked at me and I felt the dirtiness pulling itself back up onto me. No matter how many showers I took I still felt dirty, so I saw no altimatum, I had to tell him. "I went over to Max's house and Rider was there, she told me Max has not been at home and I have been letting him stay at my apartment, I felt that it was fine since we were no longer there and well, I had to go and comfort him. Rider took his son and all of his things and bolted. She is somewhere in europe with Matt and when I tried to call Travis to see where they went he said he was not sure but they needed Matt back here to do vocals. And then the next day he was served with divorce papers and well, you got in the crash I was afraid it was my fault so I told Nicky to take Katie and Jen and we drank. Just Max and I and we got incredibly wasted, like fall down drunk, black out state, and well, I dont remember much but we uh, we sort of..." He looked away and I knew he knew. I felt a weight being lifted off of me and I knew Max as about to get it. They had just fixed things, but Max felt sort of guilty as well. "I was just so upset, you slept with my sister and I wanted to fight fire with fire at the time and now, I am hoping you will say it is okay." I tried to grab his hand but he yanked it away from me and refused to look into my eyes. "I am going to go home and take a shower, would you like me to take Katie with me?" He made no move to give me an answer nd I just picked my stuff up and brushed my way to the door. "Clover?" I looked at him and he still was looking away, the only difference was this time he was crying a little bit. "Yeah Ronnie?" "You love him dont you?" My breath caught in my throat and I was unsure of what to say. "Yeah as a friend I guess, but not anything more than that." "Do you promise?" I nodded. "We will be okay then." "Yeah, I hope so Ronnie."

I picked Katie up and motioned for the girls to join me. "Will you come home with me please?" They nodded and we made our way out to the car. Katie was singing along to her mp3 player, she was a pretty cool girl, listened to alot of the same music as me, which was wierd. Her mom as good as she was never really made an moves towards actually being a mother which suprised me. We buckled everyone in and drove back to the house in silence, I was afraid to divulge such a dark secret with the feeling of Ronnie watching me. When we finally got back to the apartment I took Katie up for her nap and walked back to the living room. "Okay now what is up?" Jen asked. "I have to show you, I am not sure words can express this one right now."

"Oh my gosh, Ronnie is going to flip shit." I looked at Nicky and nodded, "Yeah, he did not even want one kid let alone two. But that is not the bad part." They looked at me and shook their heads. "No, you didnt did you, please say no." I looked at the ground, the shame written all over my face. "It is not like she was expecting this to happen." JEn said trying to defend me. "No, maybe this is exactly what she meant to do. To back stab Ronnie and make him pay before saying she made a mistake. She is a fucking toxin Jen and the better we realize this the better." I stood there my mouth agape. "Really? You too Nicky?" "I cant look at you right now Clover." She left and I burst out into flames. I was not sure what to do, I could not just run again. "Just tell Ronnie it is his, he never has to know otherwise." I nodded and sniffled. "I think a part of me in a twisted way though Jen...loves Max." She looked at me through terrified eyes. "No Clover you cannot do that to Ronnie, you cant. That is not how this works, you guys have worked so hard. He forgave you for cheating on him, you have a family and he is okay with it, a family, the one thing he did not want to have unless it was with the right person. You guys keep coming back that should tell you something." I nodded. "I think I should tell him."

I stood there staring at the phone, I was not sure what to do, call him and tell him the truth, beg for hope of a future, or leave again and this time never come back. My thoughts battled it out and I smoked a cigarette hoping I would get an answer soon.

Weeks passed and Ronnie was still in the hospital. I had terminated my pragnancy after I went to the doctor, I had problems and it would have been a risky pregnancy and my life was not a good place to bring a child into. I had cried for a few days, I felt like a murderer and was having trouble looking in the mirror. I eventually told Ronnie and he was upset but it was not as bad as I had thought. He came home today, but first Max and I needed to have a conversation.

"So, what is it that you wanted?" "Max, I love you, and I mean it. I am head over heels for you, but I am in love with Ronnie, and I am begging you, give him another chance in the band. Do not let your heart lead your head." He nodded and said he would think about it and I left to go to the hospital to pick Ronnie up. When I walked in he was sitting up twittling his thumbs looking guiltier than I had ever seen him, even after Rider. "Clover, we need to talk. I know about the Max thing, and I feel it is finallly time to tell you a few secrets I have myself, get some tissues, you are going to hate this."