The Webs We Weave

The thing with people is they choose what they want to hear and what they actually do hear, and what Ronnie said, well, I did not want to hear. It was as though someone had taken a hot poker and shoved it into my stomach and then twisted it around until my guts began to fuse together.

My fingers trembled as I dialed Rider’s number, I was not sure who to believe anymore, my world was being split into two different paths and I was unsure of which one to take. Robert Frost must have been on drugs when he chose, I imagine that would have made it easier. “Hello?” Her voice was cheerful and it made me want to grab her by the throat and choke her, why did she get to be happy when she had done so much wrong? “Uh hi Rider, this is Clover, and before you hang up, I have a question to ask and then you can hang up and never talk to me again.” “Okay. What’s your question?” I drew in a breath. “Did Max have surgery after Jackson was born?” There was a silence. “No, I don’t think so, but he could have done it secretly, he was always doing shit like that. Wait are you talking about the-oh yeah. He didn’t want anymore kids and so he took care of it. Why?” “No reason, bye.” I hung up and walked back over to the table and sat down. I was a failure at life, at being a fiancée, and a mother. “Katie!” I called and she came bouncing down the hallway. “Yes?” “Go wash up, it is time for dinner. We are going to daddies tonight I think.” She nodded and raced down the hallway. She was too attached to Ronnie, it would not be good if this situation went bad.

I placed Katie in her car seat and we drove around for awhile until we got over by Ronnie’s house. Max was there drinking a beer on the porch with Ronnie who looked anything short of happy to be there. I pulled up in the driveway and parked the car and motioned for Ronnie to come over. He looked at Max and excused himself before coming over. I sighed in relief as I saw he was only drinking the kool aid I had left in the fridge. “Is it okay if we stay here? I think we should talk.” He nodded and I opened the door and walked over to the other side of the stupid beat up Honda and pulled open the green door. It squeaked and eventually opened and I was able to pull Katie out. “Daddy!” She squealed running up to him. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her forehead. If I had not been looking at Max it would have been picture perfect. “Ronnie, he needs to leave.” He nodded and made a motion and Max groaned. “I see you have made your choice.” Max sighed sort of resigned. “Yeah I have. I chose to be with someone I am having a baby with, and I know it is not you. You can never be happy if all you do is backstab and lie.”

“Okay speak.” I sighed and looked at Ronnie; Katie had laid in the living room watching some cartoon and had fallen asleep. “I am sorry, I just was so scared. I mean this possibility of a forever with one person is a scary thought. I just don’t know what to think, what to do, I haven’t exactly had good role models. But, if you are willing to look past this I can make it happen. Me and you without anyone else. This baby will be good and healthy and we can be who we are. We belong together and I know it. Just take Katie tonight and I will go home and give you time to think.” He nodded and I left him there in the dimly lit living room.

I got back to my apartment and laughed as I noticed the lights were on and the door was open. Either Nicky or Jen were in there or there was about to be a cold case murder in the Nevada Heights Apartment Complex. I parked my car and walked slowly up the steps trying to think of my last words. I thought about mumbling my final ‘I Love You’s and finally decided on going out with a nice loud ‘Fuck The World’ approach. It sounded reasonable enough, the world had fucked me and I think it should here what I thought about it. I opened the door and smiled as I saw the girls laying on my couch. “Hey love, you look scared.” I laughed and nodded. “I had my final words ready. “And what did you decide on?” Jen asked. “Fuck the world.” “Nice. Now I think we should talk about Ronnie and Max a little bit.” I nodded and sat down. “What is going on in your head? Why would you love Max? He has been selling you out since day 1 remember.” Jen said and Nicky nodded. “I don’t know, I guess with Ronnie I know there is no danger involved and with Max there is only danger to deal with. I want some threat and excitement and before tonight I thought I had to go to Max to get those cheap thrills. Now if you will excuse me I am gonna go grocery shopping.” They nodded and I left in a hurry, I had this sudden urge and I was going to stop fighting for one night only. I sped out of the parking lot and headed to East Vegas. I needed a fix and I was going to get it, and maybe then I would be able to put my life back together.