Roxanne

A lot of people go through the time in their life that after a major, uncontrollable incident, they feel the need for change. They take one of the things they can control and change it to their own desire whether allowed to or not as a replacement of sobbing for days. Most of the time it’s a drastic change, some of the time it’s not. They say the drastic change is because by the change, there’s a feeling of renewability—or starting over; turn to a new page.

I am one of those people.

I stared at myself in my bathroom’s mirror, running both of my hands through my naturally straight hair. As I did so, I tried my best to recognize myself, but I just couldn’t. “Roxanne?”

Without looking away from the mirror, I answered. “Yeah, I’m coming out.”

“How does it look?”

I was silent for a good minute, trying to figure out how to describe the sudden change. “…Different,” I squeaked, “very, very different.”

“This isn’t fair!” Sadie whined. “Telling me this isn’t doing anything! Come on, show me. I’m dying.” I chuckled at my best friend and unlocked the door to my bathroom but didn’t remove my hand from the handle. I took a deep breath and squeezed my eyes shut, swinging the door open with them still shut but my mouth open in a nervous grin. “Oh my god! Holy shit, Roxanne!” I snapped open my eyes to see my best friend gaping at me with huge eyes, her fist pushed against her hanging open mouth. Before I could react at all, Sadie launched herself on me and wrapped her arms around my body. “Your hair looks amazing!” She squealed loudly. “You’re even hotter than you used to be and I didn’t think that that was possible!”

I snorted at Sadie’s reaction to my hair. My red hair.

I had had the urge for a drastic change; it was as simple as that. I was eighteen years old, correct, but I didn’t have much control over my life. I lived with my parents as just about every teenager did, so there could only be a drastic change to so much. My hair seemed the easiest way to go.

I had been born blonde so I had been blonde all of my life. It was nice, I guess—as nice as being blonde could be. I hated the stereotypes we got [being incredibly stupid or complete whores] and I always found blonde was too overrated. Many people dyed their hair various shades of blonde, brown and then some went drastic and dyed theirs black. I was pale, naturally, and lived in the east so black would probably have been the worst option for me. In a crowd of ten people, let’s say, I believe I only saw two or three red heads at the most. Red wasn’t popular.

Red was drastic. Drastic was what I wanted.

“What do you think?” Sadie asked. “I mean, you’re the one with the red hair now.”

“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I, um…” I became silent and then shrugged. “I, I don’t know.” I looked up at Sadie and then stepped back into the bathroom. “I don’t know.”

That seemed to be the only thing I could say.

The worst part of it, though, was the fact that that had been the most I had said in days. I’m not sure as to how many, I believe it was two but Sadie told me three. Instead of changing my hair without sobbing my heart out, like I had planned to do, I sobbed my heart out and then changed my hair.

I want to say that I was good with coping with the fact that the bastard that broke my heart a few days ago, but it’d be a bold faced lie.

I had gotten back to Sadie and Jackson after telling Bryan that I hoped he got herpes [though I didn’t directly say it as so] and managed to choke back all of my tears. Though, that could have to do with the fact that I had held my breath before Sadie had squeezed it out of me by hugging me so tightly. When she had finally let me go, I admitted that I had just wanted to go home and despite the fact that they didn’t want to, Sadie and Jackson let me go.

When I had gotten home I had gone up to my room and just sat on my bed for a good hour doing nothing but staring at my zebra-striped rug. I don’t think I was really even conscious at that point.

When my mother arrived home at five thirty that evening as she did every night, returning from Manhattan, she came up to see if I was home. Not only was I home, but I was curled up on my bed, completely broken. I didn’t want to tell her what had happened at first, but she was my mother and of course wouldn’t let it go. I was blessed with caring and loving parents that would do and did do anything for me.

Of course, when my father got home later that night, also from Manhattan, my mother told him why I wouldn’t be sitting with them at dinner that night after coming up countless number of times to ask if I wanted anything. My father was disgusted and it took my mom a lot of persuading [and yelling, even] to get him to stop from just completely taking Bryan out. My father was forty five and in perfect health—he could easily have taken him. I wished he had.

For another two days I had lied in my room, only get up for the essentials and watched crappy romantic movies where everything always had a happy ending. It was sickening.

The morning of the day that I dyed my hair, today, my mother had come into my room before she had left for work and forced me to get up. She told me that she herself called Sadie and told her to come over today and then forced me out of bed and into the bathroom to shower. My mother was actually very affectionate; she just couldn’t take seeing me so miserable anymore. I couldn’t blame her.

When Sadie arrived, she clung to me and hugged me for a good hour, trying her best to comfort me. It worked, too. Sadie and I had been best friends since third grade when she had been in my class. She was one year younger than me, of course, but we were almost as inseparable as Bryan and I had been. If I wasn’t with Bryan I was always with her. She was a cheerleader, but I got over that considering she was sweet and well, not a whore that had thrown herself at Bryan multiple times.

When Sadie had finally let go of me I told her how I had the urge to do something that would help me feel better about myself, or rather to change something about myself that would be noticeable. I didn’t need to change anything about myself seeing as I had grown up to be comfortable with my natural beauty, but the sudden desire I had to was overwhelming.

I think the only reason Sadie backed me up on the color and shade I was dying my hair was because she knew the devastation I was currently going through.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Sadie asked and followed me into the large bathroom. She stood beside me at the mirror and reached over, running her fingers through my hair. “I’ll admit, I was a little worried, Roxanne, but it actually looks amazing. You should have been born a redhead.”

I chuckled at that. “I guess it looks good.”

Sadie rolled her eyes. “I know you’re upset and you’ve got a pretty low self-esteem, especially now, but for once admit that you look absolutely gorgeous.” Sadie giggled now. “Oh god, I wish we could just go and parade you off to Bryan right now. I bet the little asshole would cry and plead with you to take him back.” She rolled her eyes again. “Which he should be doing regardless.”

“Sadie?” I interrupted softly. She stopped babbling and looked over at me, tilting her head to the side in question. “Can we, um, not talk about him?”

Sadie looked completely shocked but then her lips melted into a warm smile. She wrapped her thin arms around my shoulders and hugged me close to her. “Right, I’m sorry. I love you; I promise we won’t talk about him anymore.”

I sighed into her hair. “Thanks.”

When my mother got home that evening, she called me downstairs and told me that she had something important to tell me. I didn’t want to go down there and talk to her, though. I loved my mother and my father a lot, yes, but I was, well, a bit worried what they’d have to say about my obvious change.

When Sadie had finally pushed me down the stairs and into our large kitchen, I snapped my eyes shut and put my hands up for defense as my mother gasped in complete shock. “Your hair, Roxanne! What did you do to your beautiful hair?”

“I like it,” I stated without opening my eyes.

I opened my eyes after a few minutes of silence to see my mother standing on the other side of the black marble island in the middle of our kitchen, staring at me with an open mouth. “I can’t believe you dyed your hair! Is this permanent?”

“Yes.”

“Oh shit, Roxanne,” my mother hissed, “your hair was beautiful!”

I rolled my eyes, earning a scowl in return. “Too many people are blonde, mom. I wanted change.”

My mother walked around the island and for a moment, the only sound in the house was her heels clicking against the wooden floors until she reached me. I froze as she lifted a few strands of my hair up and studied it closely. She sighed and then dropped my hair, placing a hand on her hip. “I can’t believe you did this,” she muttered, “I cannot believe you did this.”

“It’s red, ma,” I mumbled, “not the end of the world.”

“Is this how you’re going to be now, Roxanne?” My mom asked. “Doing stupid things? What is it called, rebelling?” She sighed loudly, shook her head and tsked at me. “Just hair,” she muttered in response to my comment. “Just hair. I thought you were responsible, Roxanne. Now I don’t know what to do about your father’s idea.”

“It’s hair, mom!” I paused and bit my bottom lip, nibbling it a bit. “Dad had an idea? What?”

My mother groaned. “No, he wants to be home to tell you. It’s something that we think would be good for you, though.” I cocked an eyebrow and looked down to my best friend who returned the look with a shrug. My mom sighed. “We want to get you out of the house, for a little while at least,” she admitted. “And that’s all I’ll tell you. I’m going to make dinner, will you be joining us Sadie?”

Sadie grinned. “You know you’re my favorite cook.”

My mother chuckled and pushed the both of us out of the kitchen, though not before looking at my hair and inspecting it again. Sadie giggled as we both went out through the French doors that lead to my back yard. We crossed the patio and went down to the pool. “Your mother took that a lot better than expected. I mean, imagine having a daughter that just got out of a seven year relationship that’s been a natural blonde all of her life dye her hair a bright red.”

“I want to know my father’s idea,” I stated as I sat down and dipping my foot into the warm water. I hadn’t even really heard her comment at all. “My dad doesn’t have good ideas, Sadie. He’s a dad.”

And it was true. I felt terrible for saying it considering I loved my father, but a lot of the time my dad didn’t really know what the hell he was talking about. It wasn’t as if my dad was some creative man that constantly came up with brilliant ideas, but then again my mother was good for letting my father know when something he was thinking was stupid. They were good at keeping each other balanced.

Sadie sat down next to me and slid off her flip flops before placing her feet into the pool, also. She leant forward to rest her elbows on her thin legs and her chin in the palm of her hand. “Your dad isn’t too bad, I mean, he knows you a lot better than you think considering he lives with you.” She shrugged. “Your mom agrees with him on it, so it can’t be that bad, can it?”

I winced and she laughed. “Maybe he got me a dog,” I mumbled. “I’ve been asking for one for years.”

Sadie snorted loudly. “I guess that’d have to do with being responsible. You’ll have to walk him and all.”

“It’s not a dog,” I stated deadpan. “My dad is allergic.”

Sadie sight softly at my lack of amusement and wrapped her arm around my shoulders. She placed her head on my shoulder closer to her and sighed. “I hate how he’s controlling your mind like this.”

I felt terrible when Sadie said that. It made me feel a bit low, even for the past few days. For the past few days every single thing I did was motivated by Bryan Bates and the thought of it made my skin crawl. I didn’t want to have all of my thoughts and actions be because of him at all. I wanted to, nay, needed to get my own mind back.

As if I had ever had one.

For the past seven years of my life I had been connected emotionally to a boy my own age. Bryan running through my mind was simply natural now. Most of the decisions I made had always had to do with him in some way. Trying to just erase him completely was the easiest decision yet hardest thing to do.

“He’s not,” I lied. Perhaps by telling myself that nothing I was doing had to with him would make him go away faster.

Thankfully, either way, Bryan would be going away faster than I was actually ready for. He was going to California, obviously, for college. Only he was going early and staying in a home that his parents had gotten for the summer in Newport Beach. His whole family would be gone. I wouldn’t have to worry about seeing him or anyone that was related to him at all.

Sadie sighed softly. “It was for the best, if you think about it,” she said, obviously trying to cheer me up. I guess we both knew that whether we spoke about Bryan Bates or not, he’d be on my mind.

“I guess,” I muttered monotonously.

Sadie’s grip on me tightened. “It was, I promise darling. Now you know what a waste your life would have been if you had stayed with him. He was obviously nothing special and you have someone else out there waiting for you that isn’t a complete douche bag.”

I grinned.

My dad got home at 7:30 as normal and by then Sadie and I had been downstairs sprawled out on the leather couches watching movies. My mother called me upstairs and Sadie naturally followed. My dad was sitting on a stool at the island eating pasta, still in suit and tie only he had taken his jacket off. “Hi dad,” I greeted as I walked in.

My dad put down his fork and turned on his stool to look at me. I assumed that my mother had told him about my so called “rebellion”. However, instead of snapping at me like my mother had, my father laughed. It wasn’t a mocking laugh that made me worried or anything, it was genuine. Meaning, I believe he was laughing at the situation rather than my hair.

I had always gotten better with my dad than my mom. My dad, though he was some big business man, had a much better sense of humor and didn’t take things as seriously as my mom did—which was sometimes too serious. When it came to guys, though, my dad and I didn’t get along much at all. My mother was very easygoing when it came to Bryan and me. If Bryan and I wanted to spend the night at each other’s house, she was the first to say it was alright. My father wasn’t. I think that even after dating Bryan, my father still hated him.

“Well look at you,” my father chuckled. He stared at me for a good minute or so and then grinned and turned back to his dinner and my mother. “I think it looks great, Michelle. She could have done much worse than dye her hair. At least she didn’t dye it multicolored.”

My mother’s name was Michelle and my father’s was David. My name was Roxanne because of that. My parents both had normal names that probably at least five out of ten people had. They absolutely hated it and so they named me something that wasn’t very common. It worked because I hadn’t met any Roxanne’s in my life time.

I heard my mother grumble a few things as she sat down on a stool next to my father. Sadie and I took the seats across from the two of them and for a moment both of my parents just sat and stared at my hair. My dad was the first to snap out of it. He looked at my mother and lifted one of his hands to pat her on the back and she sighed. “Right then,” my dad started after eating a bit more, “Roxanne, you remember my sister, right?”

I nodded slowly. “Aunt Jen.”

My dad also nodded. “Yeah, your aunt Jen. You remember where she lives, don’t you?”

Again I nodded. “California.”

My Aunt Jen was my dad’s only sibling. She was two years older than my dad, 47, and lived on the West Coast so I never got to see her. The only time I think I ever met her face to face was my sixteenth birthday, when she had flown out o the east coast because it was a big “milestone” in my life. I knew that she was also pretty wealthy and it had something to do with her working in Los Angeles even though she lived hours away, but that was about it.

“Yeah,” my dad confirmed. “Well, your mother and I feel as if you should get out of the house, you know? These past days where you’ve been home alone have been terrible and we’ve been really worried.” He chuckled. “And well, now with you doing acts such as your hair, we think you need to get out of the house. We hate seeing you upset, sweetie.”

“I’m alright,” I mumbled. It was a bold face lie and they knew it.

My dad rolled his eyes. “I haven’t seen you for three days because you’ve been up in your room, Roxanne.”

“I’m not going to spend the rest of my life like that, though,” I bickered.

My dad cocked an eyebrow and then folded his arms before him on the island. “Your mother and I have both been teenagers before, Roxanne. We know what heartbreak is, believe it or not. We know what you’re going through to some extent and sweetheart, all we want is for you to be happy.” With that said my dad twisted around on his stool and got up from where he had been sitting. He walked out of the kitchen for a moment and then returned with his light gray jacket in hand. When he sat down on the stool again, my father pulled something out of the pocket of the jacket. “Your aunt Jen said that she would love to have you for a few weeks this summer.”

Wordlessly, my dad reached over and placed a ticket in front of me on the counter. I looked down at it with a raised eyebrow and bit onto my bottom lip, nibbling on it before picking it up. It was a first class plane ticket…to California.