Roxanne

Standing on the other side of the doorway was a man that was only an inch or so taller than me, with a head full of dark, black hair.

Once I realized that the black hair actually belonged to Billie, I nearly gasped in surprise. Rather than his full head of dirty blonde hair, Billie’s disheveled hair was now a deep, dark black. Due to the roots that Billie had been growing, I had always known that he dyed his hair, however I suppose I had forgotten. I also had known that he dyed his hair blonde, but black was a completely different story.

Despite the fact that I was still furious with him, I wasn’t able to stop my eyes from crawling over his body, taking in his white t-shirt, black shorts clad body and his new hair color. For a moment I felt my legs turn into what felt like jelly, and had to actually focus on keeping myself from melting in front of him. It had only been about a week and a half at most since I had seen him, but he was still so much more handsome than I had managed to remember him. Rather than allowing myself to sink onto the ground, I bit down onto my bottom lip and clutched the doorknob tighter, hoping that the pain would keep me grounded. I was angry at him. He had betrayed me. I was insanely attracted to him, but he was still as bastard.

My eyes trailed down from Billie’s black hair, down his colorful arms and to the bouquet of red roses that he held in his right hand. It was as if he had taken a course on how to make a woman swoon like mad.

“Good morning,” Billie greeted coyly. His eyes searched my face for any emotion, however I did my best to hide the schoolgirl swooning I was currently doing.

Rather than grabbing his face and kissing his lips as I wanted to do, I just smiled meekly back at him. Judging by the butterflies in my stomach, I felt as if I was meeting Billie for our first date rather than to possibly reconcile our relationship. “Good morning to you, too.”

What looked to be a relatively relieved smile pulled at Billie’s lips at my friendly greeting. I had been too busy practically drooling over seeing the man again to really take in his features. Once actually looking at his face and even his body, I began to realize just how awful the poor guy looked. While Billie’s eyes had always had somewhat dark circles underneath them due to the fact that his sleeping schedule was so sporadic, they paled in comparison to the ones that were there now. Not only did he have dark circles, but his eyes just looked exhausted. If I hadn’t known that he was asleep when I had called him the previous night, I wouldn’t have believed that he had slept within the past week. Along with his beyond tired eyes, for the first time since I had known him, rather than the 5 o’clock shadow that I had become accustomed to, an actual beard had grown along Billie’s cheeks and chin. Rather than getting into a car with him, I wanted to bring him inside and force him to rest for the rest of the day.

Once realizing that he was still holding onto the roses, Billie looked down at them and then stretched out his arm, offering them to me. While doing my absolute best to hide just how sweet the gesture was to me, I graciously accepted them. “You didn’t have to do this, thank you,” I murmured while lifting the flowers up to my nose to smell. There weren’t many things that smelt better than fresh roses.

Billie smiled back at me, however didn’t verbally respond.

“I almost didn’t recognize you at first,” I pointed out once I had lifted the my nose from the roses. I clutched them against my chest as if they had been a stuffed animal. Billie cocked an eyebrow, clearly not understanding what I had just said to him. “You dyed your hair,” I clarified.

“Oh,” he gasped, reaching a hand up to run through the now black mess. Was it wrong to be jealous? I wanted nothing more than to run my own hands through it while pulling him into me so that I could kiss him. I restrained myself, however. No matter how in love with him I was, it didn’t mean he was going to get off any easier.

No matter how in love with him I was, he was still ashamed to be with me. My heart sank as I reminded myself so.

“Yeah,” he agreed, wincing as he tugged on a knot. “You never told me what shit it looked like.” I went to argue and to tell him that I had loved his hair, however he continued. “Do you not like it?” He asked, his voice a bit quieter. I felt my heart skip a beat at his obvious concern. Would he really have bleached it if I had said no?

“I love it,” I blurted, instantly wincing at how embarrassing I was. Sometimes it was far too evident that I was still a teenager.

The nervous smile that had been on Billie’s lips widened into a still sheepish, but infectious grin. For a moment, I caught a glimpse of the man that hadn’t fucked me over.

“First of all, it didn’t look like shit,” I stated, recalling his first statement. “And second, no, it looks really good,” I added, attempting to not sound like a gushing girl when complimenting him. Either way, the grin still stayed on Billie’s face.

“Well, I’m glad you approve,” he murmured. His eyes caught mine for the first time that morning and I was suddenly at a loss for words.

Thankfully, my speechlessness had been saved by the soft patter of footsteps that came from behind me. I watched Billie’s eyes leave my own and focus on my aunt behind me. My aunt probably wouldn’t notice, but I couldn’t miss him shrink back a bit in the doorway at the sight of her. I didn’t blame him; my aunt could be terrifying.

“Billie,” she greeted curtly. It wasn’t necessarily unfriendly, however. He smiled weakly. My aunt’s attention turned to the bouquet that I was holding. She smiled at them. “Beautiful flowers,” she complimented, “only problem is I’m not sure if my house is large enough to fit anymore gifts from you.”

Billie smiled bashfully at my aunt, dipping his head a bit to focus his eyes upon his suddenly interesting shoes. I loved his embarrassed smile. I wanted so desperately to kiss him and tell him that I loved the roses and everything else he had sent me. I also wanted to yell at him for the necklace that I still refused to wear that he had gotten me.

“I’m going to say this once,” my aunt said, the playfulness suddenly gone from her voice. She looked at him with cold eyes. Billie wordlessly cocked an eyebrow once lifting his eyes back up to meet hers. “If she comes home crying this time, I will ruin your life.” I turned to glare at my aunt, wanting to tell her that that had been unnecessary, especially after seeing how awful he currently looked, however my aunt had pulled me into a hug before I could do so. “Be safe,” she whispered into my ear while hugging me, “please, please call me if you need me. I’ll be there faster than you can ask me to.”

“Thank you,” I murmured back to her, “for everything.” If it hadn’t been for my aunt, I either still would have been wallowing in misery in her bedroom back up in Berkeley, or worse, back home in Connecticut. Whether or not she would care to ever admit it, my aunt had basically saved my relationship (or whatever it currently was) with Billie.

My aunt smiled lovingly at me as we separated. She sighed, kissed my cheek, and then after a wave to Billie, she stepped back into the kitchen in order to give us our privacy back. “I’ll just get my bag,” I stated, twisting around to grab the canvas duffle bag that sat only a few feet behind me. As I was about to pick it up, however, Billie gently pushed my hand away from it so that he could get it, instead. I felt a small tingle run down my spine at the feeling of his skin brushing my own, even if it only had been for a fraction of a second.

It had probably a good thing that I had separated myself from Billie the past week or so because I was convinced that I wouldn’t have been able to stay angry at him otherwise. He had been back in my life for all of 10 minutes and I was already a puddle. He had so much more control over me than I cared to ever let him know.

“I packed light,” I stated, subtly welcoming his teasing. Whether or not I would care to admit it, I missed Billie’s snarky comments and the way he would tease me. The Billie that currently stood next to me seemed to be somewhat of a shell of the one that I had fallen in love with and upset with him or not, I was determined to bring him back.

“Yeah?” Billie asked. He ran his free hand over his unshaven face. He lifted the bag a few inches as if weighing it himself. “So does light for you mean you packed enough for a 3-week vacation instead of a 3-month one?”

I grinned, silently welcoming his teasing. “You can never have too many options,” I pointed out.

Billie cocked an eyebrow. “Yeah,” he agreed, “I can’t imagine not having enough outfits to be able to change into a new one every fifteen minutes. What a nightmare.”

I giggled, which caused a small smile to tug at Billie’s lips. We both got into the elevator in what was a surprisingly comfortable silence. Neither of us spoke another word until we had made it to Billie’s car, which had been parked directly in front of the building. He opened the trunk and placed my bag gently down inside of it. “It’s about an hour drive, maybe a little less, but probably more with the shit traffic in this city,” he informed me while slamming the trunk shut.

I shrugged. “That’s fine, just tell me your air conditioner isn’t broken.”

Billie chuckled while lifting a hand to rub the back of his neck with. “I would be a puddle if it wasn’t. I don’t know how or why the fuck people choose to live down here--this is insanity.”

I nodded wordlessly in agreement with the green-eyed man. Once coming to the conclusion that we weren’t going to say anything, I began to turn to make my way towards the passenger door so that I could escape the surprisingly scorching heat. As I had turned, however, I felt Billie’s hand catch my arm. “Hey,” he called. At once, I turned around to face him. Was he really going to do this right now? I had known that he had wanted to explain himself to me, just as I had wanted him to, however I didn’t think that standing next to his car in the crowded Los Angeles streets was necessarily the correct spot to do so. “You can say no--that’s fine. I won’t, y’know, be upset or angry or anything, I’ll totally understand…” Billie started. Rather than verbally responding, I cocked an eyebrow. “I mean it, you can say no,” he repeated, “I just, ah, shit, I feel like an asshole, I’m sorry…” Billie sighed heavily and shook his head at himself. “Can I just, I don’t know, can I just have a hug?”

My eyes widened in surprise at how innocent Billie’s request had been. I had been afraid that he was going to try to explain himself in the heat, but instead he had just wanted a hug. I felt like an asshole for being slightly irritated when had attempted to get my attention at first.

For a moment I actually considered telling Billie that I wasn’t comfortable with doing so, solely because I didn’t want him thinking that we were okay, but I immediately silenced those thoughts. Perhaps I didn’t want to necessarily comfort him, considering he was the reason we were in this situation, but if anything I craved the contact with his skin. Despite how angry with him I had been and still was, I had missed the feeling of his arms since I had last left them.

Without verbally responding, I closed the distance between the two of us. Upon wrapping my arms around his small torso, Billie’s body tensed. After a second or so, however, he relaxed into my arms and wrapped his own colorful ones back around me. I would never admit it to him, but, as unbearably cheesy as it sounds, his arms felt like home. My body relaxed almost instantly against his and for the first time in the past week and a half, I felt like I could finally breathe again. I had it so much worse for that man than I ever wanted to admit to myself. It was dangerous.

Billie sighed heavily and gently nuzzled his nose into the side of my neck. I felt my heart skip a beat at the feeling of such affection. “God, Roxy,” he murmured into my neck. I loved the way his words vibrated against my skin. “I’ve missed you so much.”

“Me too,” I admitted before I was able to catch myself. Although I absolutely meant them, I instantly regretted my words, and searched desperately for a way to take them back without being a heartless bitch. When Billie had picked his head up from my neck and stared at me in clear surprise, however, I was somewhat glad that I had slipped. He smiled down at me and leaned back in to squeeze my body against his own.

After a few moments Billie unraveled himself from me in order to let me finally escape the summer air by getting into his car. Once we both climbed inside, Billie stuck the key in the ignition and brought the car to life. Rather than starting to drive immediately, he sighed heavily and leaned back into his seat. When I looked over to see if he was alright, I was surprised to see his head back and his eyes closed. Only a few seconds later did his eyes flutter back open and connect with mine. We both smiled meekly at each other.

“Long drive?” I guessed. The poor man looked beyond exhausted. I wanted to demand he switched seats with me so that I could drive and he could finally sleep, even if it was for only hour.

Billie nodded his head while yawning. “I can honestly say I’ve never been so happy to see this awful city.”

“Have you eaten?” I asked. If Billie had been up since 3AM and hadn’t eaten, it couldn’t have been helping his exhaustion.

“Yes, a bagel. Have you?” Billie responded.

“Yes,” I lied. I had felt like I was going to vomit all morning and hadn’t trusted anything I would have eaten to have stayed down. “But I’m not the one that’s been up and driving since 3AM.”

Billie chuckled and waved a hand dismissively at me. I rolled my eyes at his carelessness towards himself, but decided not to fight him on eating and sleeping until we were at his house considering I was powerless in a vehicle that I wasn’t operating.

The hour ride down to Newport was relatively painless. Every once and a while one of the two of us would make casual conversation, but had ended spending majority of the ride with a comfortable silence between us while the radio played in the background. Quite honestly, being around Billie had been a lot less painful than I had been anticipating. Perhaps it was because I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that he really had made some sort of mistake and was still the man that I had fallen in love with, or perhaps it was because I couldn’t help but pity him after seeing the poor state he was currently in, but either way, I actually felt okay. That wasn’t to say everything was okay and forgiven, because it most certainly hadn’t been, but I was okay with being around him.

At around 10:30 that morning Billie pulled his car into the driveway of a somewhat small, unbelievably adorable white house that sat directly on the beach. He killed the engine to his car and yawned loudly, rubbing his eyes slowly. “Welcome to my home away from home.”

“This is adorable,” I gushed, peering at the house through Billie’s window. He chuckled.

“It’s not much, but, y’know, it’s a really good escape. Plus, you can’t really beat the view.”

I turned to look through the back window of Billie’s car, taking in the sandy beach and bright blue water that Billie’s house faced. I wasn’t sure how he’d done it, but somehow that man had managed to buy properties with the best views.

“Ready?” He prompted. “I’ll give you the tour and show you your room.”

The two of us climbed out of the parked vehicle and after grabbing my bag from the trunk, Billie lead me to the door of the adorable home. When Billie unlocked and opened the door, I was pleasantly surprised to find that the inside of the home was just as adorable as the outside. From stepping in the front door, I was able to see the large kitchen that seemed to take up half of the floor plan, that opened up to the living room. Of course all of the furniture was made out of wicker, which only added to the beach theme the house managed to present. The walls of the home were all painted white while different photographs and paintings that were hung sporadically covered them up. The home had the most overwhelmingly welcoming feeling to it to the point where I felt as if I was actually home.

“I love it,” I gasped once stepping inside. “I want to live here!”

Billie chuckled while closing the door behind me. “Well, for a small price, you could.”

I gasped in horror. “Don’t tell me you’re selling it! This place is adorable.”

Billie’s eyes widened in surprise at my response. He laughed awkwardly while lifting a hand to rub the back of his neck. “Oh. No, no, I’m not. That’s, errr, y'know, not exactly what I meant, but...alright,” he muttered, more to himself than to me it seemed.

Billie walked across the kitchen and into the living room. He paused between two doorways that branched off from the room. “You have your choice of bedrooms,” he stated while motioning to both doorways.

I looked quickly around the living room, attempting to find any other doorways that could have lead to his room. When I came up short, I felt flustered at his offer. “Which one is yours?” I asked nervously. I hoped I didn’t give him the idea that that was the room I had wanted to choose, because it was the complete opposite. I was most certainly not going to be sharing a bed with him. This wasn’t going to be some happy, fun sleepover.

Billie pointed across the livingroom to a small set of stairs in the corner that I had managed to overlook. I looked, but didn’t say a word. “All that’s up there is my bedroom and a bathroom. The two down here are the guest bedrooms,” Billie stated.

I immediately felt like the biggest asshole in the world. I had become so determined to not let Billie make any passes at me that I was starting to ruin basic conversation. I needed to let my guard down and accept that Billie wasn’t the horrible person that I was waiting for him to be.

“Oh,” I murmured while looking down at my purse in order to avoid eye contact. I could feel my cheeks burning in mortification. I couldn’t come up with anything else to say other than, “sorry,” and “thank you,” before dragging myself closer to him in order to see the two rooms that I was able to choose from.

Once I had chosen the room I wanted, Billie had followed me into it and placed my duffle bag on the bed. Immediately, I unzipped the bag and began to pull out my sundresses so that I could hang them up. Billie watched me wordlessly, however there was a clearly judgemental look upon his face. I mirrored his expression, which seemed to make him realize that he was showing his thoughts. He laughed while rubbing the back of his neck. “Sorry,” he apologized sheepishly. I smiled at him. “I just--you’re unpacking for three days?”

“I don’t want my clothes to wrinkle,” I stated while placing one of my dresses onto a hanger. Billie shrugged and sat down on the bed. He seemed to hesitate, but eventually shifted so that he was able to lie back upon it. While hanging a few articles of clothing on hangers, I watched him from the corner of my eyes. At first he had just lied quietly on his back, staring up at the ceiling, however after a few moments of silence, I watched his eyelids become heavier and heavier until his eyes were fluttering constantly in a battle to stay open. I was elated--the man needed sleep, whether or not he would admit it. When my back was to him, I allowed the smile that I had been holding back to spread across my face while my heart seemed to skip a few beats. He was far too adorable and I was far too in love for either of our own good.

“I’m really sorry, Roxy,” Billie murmured after a moment. I turned in surprise at the sound of his voice. Billie tilted his head so that he was able to look at me properly without having to move otherwise.

I had known the talk was inevitable and honestly had to happen if we wanted any chance at being back to normal, but there was still a part of me that wanted to skip over it and pretend none of this had ever happened. Things were awkward between the two of us, but I firmly believed that we would have been fine by just ignoring the elephant in the room.

I just shrugged as a response. “How was your week?” I asked in attempt to steer away from the conversation. I immediately regretted my question upon looking at the poor man.

Billie cocked an eyebrow and wordlessly looked up at me, ask if asking me if I really wanted to know. By what I had heard from his best friend and his devastating drunk phone calls, I wasn’t so sure anymore. “Shit,” he finally stated after what seemed to be careful consideration. I frowned deeply as my heart plummeted into my stomach. I don’t know what I had been expecting, but it still felt awful to actually hear the words.“How was yours?”

“It was okay,” I lied. It was beyond miserable. I wasn’t sure if it was for my benefit or his. “Long. I baked a lot, swam a lot, got really sunburnt...the usual.” I neglected to inform him about my horrible date with my ex-boyfriend, but I figured that it was more for him than me. Billie smiled up at me. That man was going to be the death of me. “Your, um, deliveries were a bit overwhelming.”

At my words, Billie’s hint of a smile began to disappear. I immediately regretted my wording. “Did you not like them?” He asked nervously. He shifted to sit up, using the headboard of the bed as a backrest.

In absolute terror at the fact that I had obviously offended him, I threw the dress that I had been holding down onto the bed and climbed onto it myself. Without a second of hesitation, I crossed the king sized bed to his small body, sat down next to him and placed my hand upon his own. Billie’s eyebrows rose in surprise at the contact of his skin. Had I not been so desperate at the moment, I’m sure I also would have been more affected by it.

“I love everything you sent to me,” I stated while looking at him in the eyes. His eyes were so sad to the point where I just wanted to kiss him and make it better. I felt so selfish for having accepted all of his gifts without at least calling him to say thank you.

Honestly, sitting there on the bed with his hand in my own while looking at his sad eyes along with the dark circles that surrounded them, I felt unbelievably selfish for having not contacted him at all that week. I should have listened to his friend in the supermarket and just called him.

“Well, with one exception,” I added. Billie cocked an eyebrow. “That necklace,” I stated while motioning towards my bag. I had brought it to LA with so that I could of return it to a Tiffany’s in the city in hopes of getting his money back to him. “I love it,” I clarified before he could interpret my words incorrectly, “but my god, Billie, that is too much. I can’t accept that necklace!”

The frown that had pulled down at Billie’s lips was slowly replaced by a clearly amused smile. For the first time since I had opened the door to him that morning, there seemed to be genuine amusement in his features. “I knew you would react like that,” he admitted, followed by a soft chuckle. “It’s actually part of the reason I decided to get you it. I wanted to buy you something beautiful, but I knew you would get angry once seeing where it was from. I was hoping that it would get you to call me; even if it was just to yell at me about it.”

His plan was intelligent, but it still didn’t make me feel any better about how much money he had spent. I was uncomfortable whenever I looked at the beautiful piece of jewelry, I couldn’t even imagine wearing it.

“Well now that we’re talking, you can return it,” I offered.

Billie shook his head. “Ah ah, no,” he argued, “Roxy, you could tell me that you never want to see me again and I still wouldn’t return it. It’s a gift. I wanted to buy it for you.”

“But it’s expensive,” I whined. I pursed my lips into a pout, as if it would help him change his mind. Billie laughed at my miniature temper tantrum. “What if I tell you I’ll never wear it,” I threatened.

Billie shrugged. “You can do whatever you want with it. It’s yours, Roxy. I bought it for you. What you do with it now is out of my hands. I hope that you’ll wear it, but I can’t force you to.”

I sighed heavily in defeat. One of the worst things about Billie was that he was, unfortunately, just as stubborn as I was. I knew that, at least right now, there was no chance of me winning. That didn’t mean that I wouldn’t try again at another time, however.

“I’ll tell you what,” Billie offered. I tilted my head to the side in interest. He grinned at me and I automatically knew that whatever he was about to say would most definitely not satisfy me. “In the future, if my band falls apart and I develop a gambling addiction that leaves us bankrupt and the only thing that could possibly save everything we own is that necklace, I’ll consider selling it.”

My eyes narrowed and my lips pursed as I glared at the man sitting before me. At my clearly unamused reaction, Billie laughed loudly. Despite the fact that I didn’t think he was funny at all, I was thrilled to see the man I loved come back to life, even if it was only for a short amount of time.

I also couldn’t help but feel somewhat smitten at the fact that when he had just spoken about his future, albeit it was in a ridiculous hypothetical situation, he had said we.

“Fine,” I snapped at him, “but I’m holding you to that.”

“It has to be those exact circumstances,” he stated. “We have to be broke because of my gambling addiction.”

“Fine,” I snapped again. I frowned. “How often do you gamble?”

“I don’t,” Billie admitted with a grin. I rolled my eyes at him. “I’ve gambled ten dollars in my entire life. I think it’s stupid.”

“Well then I want to go to a casino this week,” I prompted. Billie laughed loudly again.

“Do you realize what a fucking nightmare you are when it comes to buying you gifts? I was afraid to send you some things because I didn’t want you to become more upset with me.”

I grinned up at the now dark-haired man, shifting closer to him while still holding his hand with my own. Now that I had finally had physical contact with him again, I couldn’t convince myself to let go. Billie shook his head at me while using his free hand to rub his tired eyes. “I loved everything else,” I murmured while allowing my mind to drift back to all the items Billie had gifted to me. “The teddy bear is bigger than me.”

“Is it?” Billie laughed. “I spent fucking hours looking for the biggest one possible. You’d be surprised at the selection of teddy bears the world has.”

I grinned at him, imagining Billie sitting on his computer that he barely knew how to use, searching the internet for a giant teddy bear. My heart nearly exploded at the mental image.

“Was that text message from you?” I asked after a moment of surprisingly comfortable silence. “I mean, it was obviously from you, but,” I shook my head, trying to figure out the correct words, “I’ve tried to get you to text since we first met. You’ve had no interest in it. And no offense...but I’ve seen you on your phone. You’ve accidentally deleted my phone number five times.”

It was true. I had watched Billie try to navigate his Blackberry many times, listened to his long string of obscenities and watched him, much to his surprise, accidentally delete my phone number several times. Whoever had convinced the poor guy to try out a smartphone instead of the flip phone he should have had must have won salesman of the year.

Billie chuckled at my question. “I had Mike teach me. I didn’t think I was that bad, but he told me he was never going to teach me anything technology related again after, but I did learn, so…” Billie smiled sadly at me. “I don’t think you understand just how desperate I’ve been to talk to you, Roxy.”

“I’m sorry,” I apologized quietly. I felt beyond awful for ignoring the poor man for so long. For the past week he had done nothing but reach out to me while I had done nothing but ignore it.

“You’re sorry?” Billie asked incredulously. He seemed bewildered by my words. “Why are you sorry, Roxy? I don’t blame you for ignoring me--I’m an asshole.”

“Stop that,” I murmured. I had been reminding myself all week what an asshole he was, but now that he was stating it himself, I’d never heard anything more untrue.

He lied to you, I reminded myself. No matter what he’s done or what he’s said today, he is ashamed of being with you. Nothing he has said today has proven otherwise.

“I am,” Billie insisted. “Don’t try to deny it, Roxanne. It’s not something I’ve come to terms with now. I have always known that I’m a fucking asshole.” Billie sighed heavily. He lifted his free hand to run through his black hair. “But you have to understand something, Roxy. I am an asshole that never meant to upset you. I’m not ashamed of you or us. I’ve never been more proud of someone than I am of you. I think you’re fucking beautiful and fucking brilliant--what the fuck do I have to be ashamed of? You want me to be completely honest? Your age fucking terrified me at first and made me reevaluate a lot about myself. But it made me reevaluate myself--not you, never you. When I made the decision to ask you out on a date I did it while knowing how old you are and the backlash we would get. God, Roxanne, I’m fucking wild about you, not ashamed.” He spat out the last word in disgust.

I hadn’t realized I was crying until I felt my tears drip off of my chin and onto my arm that had been resting in my lap. While Billie hadn’t explained anything yet, I already regretted my actions and the fact that I had ever doubted the kind of person he was.

“I can’t even f-fathom the idea that you spent the last week thinking I was ashamed to be with you.” Billie shook his head slowly while blinking rapidly. “I fucking hate myself for ever making you feel that way. Roxanne, when we first got together I fucking told everyone. I told Mike and Tre that I had a girlfriend after our first date. I literally went home and called them and gushed about like, well, like a fucking teenager. Worse, probably. I’ve wanted you to meet them so I could show you off. I’m just a fucking moron and went about it completely wrong.”

“So why did you do it?” I finally asked. I lifted a hand to hastily wipe at the tears that continued to crawl down my cheeks. Billie looked over at me and for the first time realized that I had been crying. A look of terror crossed his face and with his free hand, he immediately reached out to wipe the water from my cheeks. I allowed my head to fall into his hand, melting instantly at the feeling of his body against my own.

“I’ve had a lot of sleepless nights over our relationship,” Billie admitted. I wasn’t insulted to hear so. Truth be told, I was somewhat glad to hear that my age had conflicted with Billie’s conscious a bit. It was nice to know that being with a much younger girl was something unusual to him, rather than him being used to it from his rockstar lifestyle. “You have to understand,” Billie stated, “Mike and Tre are my best friends. They’re always looking out for me. They had no fucking clue who you were. They didn’t know that you had no idea who I was when you met me, or that you don’t give a fuck about my band. All three of us have had shit experiences with girls, so we’re really fucking skeptical of the new ones each other meets. I knew that if I had gone to the two of them and told them that I had a new eighteen year old girlfriend that I met on a plane to here that they would have flipped a shit. They wouldn’t have trusted you and they sure as hell would have given me shit. I didn’t want that, Roxanne.”

Billie sighed. “I didn’t want them to judge you before they had met you. I knew that if they knew how old you were when they met you, they would have been basically interrogating you the entire time instead of meeting you. So I told them you were a twenty five year old coming here for an internship. I told them you knew who I was now and that you thought it was cool, but didn’t give a shit. It was all a stupid fucking plan that sounded fucking brilliant in my head.”

“But where would telling them that I’m twenty five get you?” I asked him slowly. He had started to make more sense to me and I had started to see where he was coming from, but I still hadn’t understood what his actual plan was. “Did you expect me to lie to them about my age for the rest of my life?”

Billie chuckled. “Jesus christ, Roxanne, I’m not that much of an asshole. I was going to hang out with them either later that night or the next morning. Whenever I saw or spoke to them next, I was going to tell them how old you were. I knew they would love you from the second they met you. So I was going to let them fall in love, and then let them know that you’re eighteen and that you’re not some golddigger using me, rather than have you go in there with that already in their heads.” Billie shook his head. “I had it in my head and it all made so much fucking sense. I wanted them to get to know you like I had on the plane, when I first met you. If I had known your age when we boarded, I wouldn’t have let myself become interested in you and I--I can’t even fucking imagine not knowing you based off of a stupid fucking judgement.”

I frowned deeply as I concentrated on the words that had just spewed from Billie’s mouth. Billie hadn’t been ashamed of me or us; he had just been a stupid man that actually cared very much about me. I felt my heart begin to pound inside of my chest, aching for myself and for the poor guy that had tried to somewhat tried to protect me from the judgement of his friends, only to not only have it backfire, but blow up in his face.

I felt so stupid and so ashamed of myself and how I had acted not only the past week, but the day that everything had happened. If I had just listened when he had been begging to me to rather than screaming and throwing a temper tantrum, all of this could have been solved. I could have spent the last week in the arms of the man that I was in love with rather than sulking over something I had built up inside of my head.

Just like that, I began to feel the walls that I had built against Billie begin to come crumbling down.

“Why didn’t you tell me beforehand?” I asked Billie quietly. “If you had told me your plan, I would have understood!”

Billie closed his eyes briefly, resting it back against the headboard and inhaled deeply. “I didn’t want to hurt your feelings,” he admitted. Billie chuckled humorlessly. “Ironically enough, I didn’t want you to think I was doing it because I was ashamed of you.” I felt my heart rip apart inside of my chest at how wrong all of this had been. At how this really had been a horrible mistake with even worse communication. Billie wasn’t the bad man I had been convincing myself he was; he was just a stupid man. “I didn’t even consider it all blowing up. I never even fucking considered that either one of them would have second guessed your age. Mike said he knew immediately. Tre said he thought you looked young, but didn’t think I’d be stupid enough to lie about your age to them. I surprised fuckin’ everyone that day.”

I frowned deeply and shifted closer to the small man next to me. I just wanted so desperately to cuddle up with him and let him know that it was okay--that I understood now and while I still didn’t condone lying to me, we would work on that later.

“What do they think now?” I asked quietly while sliding my fingers through his own. I watched as Billie’s eyes drifted to our hands. “Have you talked to them?” I already knew the answer to that question, seeing as I had seen Mike in the grocery store picking up Advil for Billie the day after all of that had happened, but I wanted to know what had happened and I still wasn’t sure if Mike had told Billie that we had run into each other.

Billie sighed again. “Well, Saturday was a fucking disaster,” he admitted. I frowned while beginning to rub the back of his hand with my thumb. “I got home and drank fucking everything I could find within the first half hour. I don’t even remember anything past that, but apparently I trashed my house. I punched a hole in the wall and broke basically fucking everything I could find.” Billie shook his head in disbelief. “I still don’t remember doing it, but,” he shrugged, “I don’t handle rejection well, so I’m not surprised.”

My heart skipped a beat and I was sure that I was going to vomit upon hearing his words. The rejection I knew he had been referring to had been that he had told me he loved me that afternoon, only for my response to have been me screaming that I hated him back at him. I had been so sure at that moment that he had been lying to be and had been using the three words to get me to stay, but I felt like such an asshole now.

“Mike and Tre thankfully got there before I wrecked upstairs. They basically fucking wrestled me, and got me into my room. They cleaned up what they could of what I trashed. I have to get all new mirrors and picture frames and shit eventually.” He frowned and rubbed his chin. “A new TV for downstairs, too.” My eyes widened at Billie’s list. He smiled sheepishly at me and slowly pulled his phone out of his pocket. I actually gasped as I looked at the cracked screen. “First one I shattered the screen that Saturday by throwing it at the wall so Mike went out and picked me up this one the next morning. I threw this one the other night when I was drunk. He doesn’t know; so please don’t tell him. I’m going to pretend it happened down here by accident. I’m telling him I stepped on it.”

“I can pay to replace it,” I offered. If I had just listened to Billie outside of the cafe that morning, none of this would have happened. If I had just given him the benefit of the doubt, Billie wouldn’t have gone through two phones in the space of a week. I wanted to do something--anything to make it better. I now understood why Mike had been so surprised at my condition when he had seen me in the supermarket the next morning--his best friend had been, quite literally, a disaster.

Billie chuckled at my offer. “Stop that. If I wasn’t such a belligerent drunk, Roxanne, I’d still have the first one.” Billie looked back down at his cracked phone. He sighed and shrugged before tucking it back into his pocket. “They were furious when they got there. Mike wasn’t speaking to me at all. Tre just kept trying to ask me what happened and why you weren’t actually twenty five. I apparently tried to fight Mike, but Tre managed to stop me.” Billie rolled his eyes at his intoxicated self. “I explained everything to them the next morning when I was sober. Tre forgave me instantly; I’m not even sure if he was mad at me to begin with--he’s like the calmest, forgiving dude. He tries to make light of every situation, so he asked me if we broke up if he could have your number.” Billie laughed nervously. “I threatened to kill him. I think I actually made him nervous because he kept repeating that he was kidding.” I giggled quietly at the thought of Billie’s situation. When I had been at the cafe that Saturday, Tre’s attempt at normal conversation had been the only that had helped while Mike and Billie had been arguing.

“What do they think of me?” I asked Billie quietly after a moment. Now that his friends knew me, after the entire catastrophe that was Saturday, I was incredibly interested to know their opinions of me. Mike had been rather surprisingly nice to me in the supermarket that day.

“Tre loves you,” Billie stated while rolling his eyes. “I’m not kidding. He’s fucking infatuated with you. He just keeps repeating how unfair it is that of all flights, it was the one he missed that I met you. He keeps telling me that I'm lucky he wasn't there or you would be with him right now. Mike, well,” Billie shrugged, “Mike first asked me what the fuck I’m doing with dating you. He thinks I’m an asshole and told me to end things.” I frowned deeply at Billie’s words. I knew that I hadn’t really known Billie’s friend at all, but I still felt betrayed. He had been the one that had attempted to convince me to call Billie that day in the supermarket to reconcile things, yet he had told Billie to end it with me? I actually felt backstabbed.

Billie smiled at my horrified expression. He gently ran his thumb over my cheek, causing my eyes to lift back to his beautifully green ones. “Not for the reasons you’re thinking,” Billie clarified. I didn’t say a word. “He thinks I’m going to ruin your life. He likes you and he loves that you don’t take my shit, but he’s afraid that I’m going fuck you over.” Billie sighed and shrugged. “I considered it. I know he’s right--Christ, you see what an unintentional asshole I am, Roxy. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.”

I rolled my eyes. He sounded so beyond ridiculous. Because of the fact that Billie had hurt me, we had spent the last week apart from each other. Because we spent the last week apart from each other, the last week had easily been one of the worst weeks of my life. Couples don’t break up because one of them makes stupid mistakes if they actually want to be together. If I had just listened to Billie and had accepted his mistake a week ago rather than avoiding him, my life would have been much better. “People get hurt, Billie. It happens. We all make mistakes. You can’t prevent people from being hurt by just avoiding them...that just hurts more.”

Billie smiled sadly down at me, but didn’t say a word. I thought for a moment before deciding to speak again. “I hate that you lied to me,” I admitted. Billie’s smile slowly began to droop into a frown. I had to close my eyes to make sure that his facial expressions wouldn’t sway my decision.

I hated that Billie lied to me. I understood why he did it and what his plan had been, but it didn’t make me hate it any less. Bryan and I had both agreed that the two biggest rules of our relationship had to be honesty and faithfulness, otherwise it wouldn’t work. Even when things got bad between Bryan and I, the two of us had always been honest with each other. Being with someone who lied to “protect” me was a big change for me, and it wasn’t one that I wanted to get used to. I appreciated that Billie wanted to protect me from the judgement of his friends and hadn’t wanted to make me more nervous by telling me that they would have judged me, but at the same time, it had gotten us nowhere.

“It creeps me out when people lie to me,” I continued. Billie squeezed my hand gently. “It makes my skin crawl. I don’t like it and personally, if I can’t trust you, I don’t see any sort of future with you. I understand you were just trying to help me, but I want to be by your side for everything. I know I’m young and I know young girls have the stereotype where we’re overdramatic--and we are, I’m not denying it, but I promise you, I can handle the truth. Part of being with someone is going through the good and the bad with them.”

“I don’t think you understand how much I regret everything I’ve done,” Billie murmured while I was contemplating my next words. “I didn’t mean to lie to you; I just had this fucking plan in my head that I was sure wasn’t going to hurt anyone. I’m just so fucking stupid--”

“Stop,” I snapped. Billie looked up at me through wide eyes in shock at my tone. He shrunk back a bit against the headboard of the bed. “Please stop calling yourself stupid, you’re not.” I moved closer to Billie on the bed and squeezed his hand gently. “You’re not stupid, you just made a stupid mistake. We all do. With that being said,” I sighed and closed my eyes briefly to collect my thoughts, “I forgive you.”

Billie’s eyebrows shot up in clear surprise at my last three words. His mouth dropped open and closed as he seemed to search for something to say, however nothing came out. I held up my hand to signal for him to hold on before speaking.

“I understand why you did what you did, and I forgive you. But,” I paused momentarily, “I still don’t completely trust you, and that’s not something that I’m okay with. My previous relationship lasted for so long because so much of it was focused on trust. If I can’t trust every single thing that you say to me, or you’re not completely honest with me about everything from the beginning, then this is a waste of my time. If you want to be with me, then we’re going to have to work with being completely honest with each other.”

Billie slid his hand out from my own. At first I was confused, however I smiled as he placed both of his hands on my cheeks. Billie gently tilted my head so that I was forced to make eye contact with him. “You have no idea,” he murmured quietly, “how awful it feels to hurt someone that you…care about so much.” My heart skipped a beat at his brief pause, and the word that I was hoping he had really meant to say. I wanted so desperately to tell him just to say it, just to say that he loves me because I loved him just as much, if not more, back. I wanted to tell him that everything was okay because I loved him. But I didn’t. Not then, at least. I’d ruined Billie’s profession of love by slapping him in return; I wanted to at least make up for it by telling him that I loved him back in a much more special time and place than just sitting on his guest bedrooms bed. “It’s an indescribable pain. I want you--you need to know that I had no intention to ever hurt you, and I never will. I want to do nothing but make you happy. God, Roxy, you mean the fucking world to me.”

“If you want to make me happy, then don’t lie to me anymore,” I stated. I turned my head in his hand to place a kiss in his palm. Billie looked at me in surprise at the affection, then started to gently run his hand over my cheek, then eventually my lips. He looked as if he was contemplating kissing me, however, much to my disappointment, didn’t end up doing so. I felt my heart drop at the obviously missed moment. If I had forgiven him, and I had said we were okay, then why had it still felt like I was sitting with only a shell of the man I was so in love with?

For the rest of the morning, I had continued unpacking while Billie had continued to lie on my bed. Eventually once everything was hung up, I had decided to enjoy him. Rather than being hesitant around him, I climbed onto the bed next to him and had placed my head on his chest while wrapping my arm around his waist. He responded to my attempt at cuddling by wrapping an arm back around underneath me and pulling me closer, and even though I wanted so much more, I was still content with just being next to him.

I had spent the last week of my life completely distraught over the fact that the man that I was disgustingly in love with had been ashamed of me, but as I lied practically on top of his warm body, because no matter how close I was, it didn’t feel close enough, I realized that maybe, just maybe, he did actually love me back, too.

It was the best feeling in the world.