Roxanne

034.

Out of the three days that Billie and I had originally planned to spend in Newport, two of them rained. While I was used to it raining constantly seeing as I was from Connecticut, Billie stated several times in awe that it never rained that much in southern California. When I asked him if he had an issue with the fact that it was raining, thus confining us to the house, Billie’s eyes lit up and he was quick to express his elation. The two of us had another incredible breakfast that he had made the next morning and then without bothering to clean anything up, I was gently pushed into one of the guest bedrooms while his t-shirt that I had pulled on that morning and his pajama pants somehow managed to fall off along the way.

I couldn’t tell you where the time had gone that day because the next time I looked at the clock, it was somehow 7:30 in the evening. While we’d spent much of our time that afternoon and even the evening studying each other, we’d also spent a good amount of time just tangled within each other’s limbs, just talking to each other. I adored listening to Billie speak almost more than anything else. The man had seen and done so much with his life, and I found every single part of it fascinating. I couldn’t help but feel silly and inferior whenever he would ask me questions about my own, or prompt me to tell him about a certain aspect of my life, despite how genuinely interested he was in all of it. I know I was only eighteen, but in the eighteen years of my life, I had never enjoyed a day as much as that one.

Around 9:00 that night Billie had finally removed himself from the small indoor lounge chair in his room that we had ended up on to go and make dinner for us, however we ended up ordering pizza due to the fact that I had followed him downstairs and had caused him to accidentally burn the food by capturing his attention.

“I used to think you were dangerous,” Billie murmured with a soft chuckle between light kisses, “I had no fucking clue.” I giggled and he grinned back at me. “You’re going to make me burn my fuckin’ house down.”

“Would it really be that bad?” I giggled while slowly dragging my lips down his neck.

God,” he moaned while his eyes began to roll back. “I can’t believe, shit--you have this little good girl persona going on. What a fuckin’ joke.” I laughed quietly as my lips paused at the base of his neck while I slowly began to pull down his pajama pants. I was surprised, however, when his hands found my own and gently pushed them off. In confusion, I quirked an eyebrow at him. Billie smiled coyly at me. “I, uh, I actually had something planned for tonight,” he admitted while avoiding eye contact. I didn’t respond, hoping that he would take it as a sign to continue.

“I didn’t think the rain would let up, but it did,” he continued. I stayed silent. “I’ll bring some blankets outside and maybe we can light a fire?” He asked, clearly reaching for something to say to get a response from me.

Yes,” I gasped while leaning in to kiss him. He grinned while kissing me back. “I love beach fires.”

Clearly pleased with my reaction, Billie lead me into one of the guest bedrooms, where he grabbed a few blankets off of the bed. He watched me in what looked like a mixture of shock and actual horror as I wrapped one of the blankets around myself as we started outside. “You’re in southern California in the dead of the summer and you’re putting a blanket on. We’re going to be sitting in front of a fire.”

I rolled my eyes at him while pulling the blanket closer around me. “Would you like one, too?” I asked innocently. “Something needs to warm that cold heart of yours.”

Billie’s head tilted back as he laughed loudly at my response, however he still took my hand with his own and led me to a small fire pit in the sand that had been set up for public use. He lied out the blankets that he had grabbed from the bed, told me to sit down and then headed back for his adorable home. When he returned, he held a few logs, some newspaper, two long metal sticks, a bag of marshmallows (which I had gotten far too excited about) and to my own surprise, one of his acoustic guitars. I immediately felt my heart plummet into my stomach. Was I really about to be part of a cliche movie scene where my boyfriend, who happened to be a professional singer, sang to me by a fire on the beach? Underneath the blanket so that Billie couldn’t see, I pinched the inside of my thigh to make sure that I wasn’t actually dreaming.

It took Billie only a few minutes to get the fire started and as soon as he did, he tucked the lighter that he had used back into his pocket, and sat down on the large blanket beside me. He rolled his eyes, but snickered when he saw that I still had one of the blankets wrapped around my body.

I opened up my blanket to him and after a moment that he had spent clearly judging me, Billie shifted over on the blanket next to me and wrapped the blanket around his small body, also. “You’ve mentioned you love roasting marshmallows,” Billie stated while holding up the bag. My heart skipped a beat at what was possibly the sweetest gesture in the world. I had indeed mentioned to Billie that one of my favorite things to do in the summer had been to sit by the fire and roast marshmallows, but I had mentioned it to him weeks ago. I couldn’t believe that he had actually remembered such a miniscule, casual thing about me.

“I did--I do,” was all I managed to splutter out.

Billie chuckled at my clear bewilderment. He tapped a finger to his temple. “I listen,” he stated. While I hung on every single word that Billie said to me, I had never expected him to do the same. I loved him so, so much. I wasn’t sure if I would ever get used to someone actually paying attention to small details about me. I had been with Bryan for seven years and he was just beginning to remember that vanilla was my favorite flavor of cake.

The two of us had sat there roasting marshmallows and flirting with each other for about an hour or so, occasionally burning a few marshmallows when I found myself unable to resist kissing him. The entire time, however, I couldn’t help but notice the acoustic guitar that continued to sit by my boyfriend’s side.

Probably the fourth or fifth time I glanced over at his guitar that night, silently wondering if he had forgotten that he had brought it out, Billie’s eye caught my own. I felt myself blush in the realization that I had been caught. I almost apologized, but I realized that I was too late when he unraveled himself from our blanket and traded the metal prong he had been using to roast marshmallows for the instrument. When he saw the clearly perplexed look upon my face, he grinned widely at me. I had clearly got to known Billie better than I had expected that summer because had I not known him so well, I would have seen his very obviously nervous grin as a completely normal one. “Okay,” Billie murmured once getting comfortable with his guitar in his lap.

“Okay,” I returned, not quite sure what to say. The fact that he looked nervous was making me nervous and I hated myself for it. With my luck, Billie and I had had possibly the best few days of my life, and now he was going to sing me a break up song.

“I did a shit ton of writing the week you weren’t speaking to me,” he admitted. I cringed as I thought back to how awful I had been, and how blown out of proportion the entire thing had been. Perhaps my theory on him singing me a break up song wasn’t too far off. “I wrote a lot of music that Mike and Tre loved, so I wasn’t completely useless,” he murmured with a soft chuckle. I smiled sympathetically at him. “But, I also wrote something that I have no intention of putting on this album. I actually, uh, I wrote something for you.” He looked down at his guitar while running his hand over it.

“I was going to, uh, going to record it and send it to you,” Billie admitted while very intentionally avoiding eye contact. “Last week,” he continued, “because I needed you to y’know, know how I f-felt--feel.” I felt my heart skip a beat as Billie squeezed his eyes close. I wanted so desperately to tell him to not be so nervous, that I loved him so much and that I appreciated anything he did for me. I was about to, however he continued.

“I'm shit at sharing my feelings, you know that,” Billie admitted through a bashful smile. He wasn’t nearly as bad at sharing his feelings as he seemed to believe. The only reason I had ever questioned whether or not Billie was truly interested in me was because I found it so incredibly hard to believe that someone like him could ever be interested in someone like me. “I, uh,” he laughed quietly while lifting a hand to rub the back of his neck with, “I considered us dating before even mentioning it to you. I, ah, shit, I fucking--I fucking told you that I lov-,” Billie cut himself off with a sharp intake of breath. “I have shit timing, and that’s when I even express myself at all.”

“So, yeah, I, uh, I wrote this for you,” he continued quietly while looking back down at the acoustic guitar in his lap. I had a feeling that I wasn’t going to make eye contact with him for a while now. “I hope you don’t mind.”

I wanted to tell him that of course I didn’t mind, however I was stopped by the gentle strumming of the guitar. He hesitated for a moment, and then quietly, so quietly that I could just barely hear him over the guitar, he began to sing.

“Words get trapped in my mind
Sorry I don't take the time to feel the way I do
'Cause the first day you came into my life
My time ticks around you”


I felt my heart skip several beats, and then plummet into my stomach. I hadn’t even realized that I was crying until it was hard for me to breath and I was forced to sniffle. I saw Billie glance up at me quickly from his guitar, and he must have been at least somewhat relieved at my reaction, because he began to sing a bit louder.

“But then I need your voice
As the key to unlock
All the love that's trapped in me
So tell me when it's time
To say I love you”


My heart sank. The second the words left his mouth I remembered screaming at him outside the diner that day when he had told me that he loved me, along with the note that had been attached to the bouquet of roses. He was so incredibly beautiful and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what I had done to deserve him.

“All I want is you to understand
That when I take your hand
It's 'cause I want to
We are all born in a world of doubt
But there's no doubt
I figured out”


Billie paused for only a few seconds to look up from his guitar. Rather than looking back immediately, he made eye contact with me and quietly, yet boldly sang the next few words.

“I love you”

There had been only a few tears that had been crawling down my cheeks throughout the song, surprisingly enough, but at the last three simple words, I completely lost it. Rather than trickling down my cheeks, the tears began to flow down them like small rivers. He loved me. He loved me. Not only did he love me, but he was telling me that he loved me in possibly the most incredible way in the world. All those times that I had daydreamed about telling Billie that I had loved him, or him telling me that he loved me didn’t even compare to reality.

“I feel lonely for
All the losers that will never take the time to say
What was really on their mind instead
They just hide away

Yet they'll never have
Someone like you to guide them
And help along the way
Or tell them when it's time to say, "I love you"
So tell me when it's time to say "I love you"


Billie didn’t look up at me when he finished singing. Instead, he continued to stare down at his guitar. I wanted to tell him so desperately that I loved him, too--that I loved him more than words could ever express. I wanted so desperately to tell him how much I loved him at that very second, because he deserved to hear it, but I also wanted to tell him in my own way. Billie had written not only a song to tell me how much he loved me, but a beautiful song. While I could never live up to that, I wanted to do better than just saying “I love you, too”. He deserved better than that. Perhaps I would bake him something, considering it was what I was best at. I wasn’t sure exactly what I was going to do, but I needed to do something.

Rather than replying verbally to Billie, who still sat next to me avoiding any eye contact at all, I very gently took the beautiful acoustic guitar from his lap and set it on the other side of me. Billie cocked an eyebrow, his eyes becoming focused upon the guitar rather than my face, and before he had the time to ask me what I was doing, I had pushed him back into the sand and climbed on top of him. Billie’s eyes widened as he stared up at me in surprise. He looked somewhat terrified, as if he was afraid that I was going to do anything other than love what he had done for me. Rather than verbally telling him how much I not only loved his song, but him, I placed both of my hands on both sides of his neck and leaned in to kiss him.

Upon my kiss, I felt Billie grin widely against my lips. He gently lifted his hands to place on my shoulders so that he could push me back enough so that I had to stop kissing him. “I love you,” he admitted while tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear. I smiled down at him while tears continued to slowly drip down my cheeks. “I love you so fucking much, Roxanne. It’s fucking gross,” he admitted with a nervous chuckle. I couldn’t help but giggle back because I knew exactly what he had meant by it. “I’m sorry I fucked up saying it the first time.”

I shook my head while lifting a hand to wipe away tears. “No, no, it’s okay, it’s okay,” I spluttered. All of my self control went right through the window immediately. “I lo-,” however I was cut off by Billie pulling me back down against his body and more importantly, my lips back down onto his own.

I slid both of my hands down from Billie’s neck and to underneath the t-shirt that he had slipped on before we had come outside, where I began to slowly push it up his torso. At the feeling of me attempting to take off his t-shirt, Billie pulled away for a moment. “Should we, ah,” he nodded his head back towards his house, “should we go inside?”

I bit down onto my bottom lip while allowing my hands to leave his torso only to pull the blanket that I had brought outside with me up and around our bodies. Billie rose an eyebrow, and there was a hint of a mischievous smile beginning to pull at the corner of his lips as he relaxed back onto the blanket that was beneath him. “Did you know,” I purred while leaning back down to press a lingering kiss to his lips, “I’ve never had sex on a beach before?”

“Hmm,” Billie hummed into my lips. He grinned up at me through half-opened eyes and slid a hand onto the back of my head so that he could pull me closer. “Well, I don’t want you to go home feeling like you missed out on anything here.”

+++

When the two of us made our way back inside that night, or morning considering it had been well after midnight, it was quite evident that Billie was ready to go to sleep. He had started to head for the stairs that lead to his bedroom and I was about to follow in pursuit when I suddenly became nervous that, despite everything that had happened in the past 24 hours, I was just inviting myself to sleep in his bed. For all I knew, Billie had anticipated me sleeping in my own bedroom now that there wasn’t any storms to frighten me. I hesitated for a moment, debating what to do before deciding to as nonchalantly as possible head into the room that I had chosen to stay in only a little over 24 hours ago.

To my surprise and great joy, Billie followed me into the bedroom as soon as he had noticed that that had been where I had gone. “Do you need something?” He asked while folding his arms and leaning up against the doorframe.

I searched frantically in my mind for something, anything I could have used an excuse so that I didn’t look stupid. “Face wash,” I finally spluttered out. I was actually quite proud of myself for such an incredible save.

“Hurry up,” he murmured while rubbing his eyes with his hands. I felt my heart skip a beat or two at the sight of how adorable he was when he was tired. “I’m going to go turn on the a/c or we’ll die tonight.”

I tried my best to hide my ridiculous smile at the fact that he did indeed want me to sleep in his bed with him upstairs. I adored how everything was so normal and easy to him, meanwhile I somehow still managed to overanalyze literally every single situation.

I didn’t bother to grab the face wash from the bathroom connected to my bedroom, but instead changed into my pajamas and headed upstairs after Billie. When I entered the bedroom, I felt my stomach flip. Billie sat on the edge of the bed, reading the same book that he had been reading when I had entered his room the previous night, clearly waiting for me. Rather than the t-shirt and shorts he had been wearing when we had been outside, the only article of clothing that he wore at the moment was a pair of boxers. I shouldn’t have been phased by it at all considering the fact that I had spent the majority of my day with him naked other than the sheet we had been wrapped in, not to mention the night before, but believe it or not, it felt so...new to be casually climbing into bed with him. The only reason I had entered his room the night before had been because I had been terrified of the storm and desperate.

This was different, though. This was nice.

Wordlessly, Billie reached out for my hand. When our fingers locked together, he gently pulled me back into the bed with him and underneath the covers. I wasn’t sure exactly what I had been expecting, but I found myself surprised when he wrapped his arms around me, pulled my body close against his and placed a soft, lingering kiss on my lips. “Goodnight, Roxy,” he murmured against my lips.

It was indeed.

+++

I woke up the next morning with an arm wrapped around Billie’s thin torso and my head resting against his tattooed chest. His breathing was even and every once in awhile I heard a faint snore, signalling that he was still very much asleep. Billie had been practically begging me to stay with him through the night since we had first started dating and now that I had, I finally understood why he had pushed so hard for it. Waking up in the same bed as him, with one of his arms wrapped around me was one of the best feelings in the world, quite honestly. We had slept together, fully clothed, on my aunt’s couch the nights that she had been in Los Angeles, but I had a feeling that that had only been because he could tell that I wasn’t ready to share an actual bed with him yet. Now that I had, I couldn’t imagine for the life of me what had taken so long.

“Good morning, beautiful girl,” Billie murmured only a few minutes after I had woken up. I jumped in surprise at the sound of his voice and he grinned.

“Good morning,” I cooed back while shifting so that I could kiss him. Billie smiled against my lips and slid a hand onto the back of my neck so that he could pull my lips closer to his. We were both caught off guard only few minutes later by the sound of Matthew Bellamy’s voice wafting through the house. Billie pulled back in confusion having forgotten about my ringtone, but I jumped up in surprise at it.

“Sorry,” I apologized while forcing myself to get out of the bed. Billie didn’t respond, although he didn't seem as if he was upset with me. “It might be my parents and they don’t handle me missing their phone calls too well.”

Billie nodded and waved at me with his hand as if to say “go ahead”. I leaned back over the bed to kiss him once more before taking off out of his bedroom, down the stairs, across the living room and into my bedroom where I had left my cell phone the night before. By the time I had reached it I knew that it wasn’t going to ring anymore so I just hurridly pressed the accept button. “Hello?” I answered, trying to sound as casual as usual. If I sounded as out of breath as I actually was, my parents would wonder what I had been doing and I hadn’t been awake long enough to make up a poor excuse.

“Hey, Roxanne?” Was the reply I received. I knew immediately that it wasn’t my parents, but I honestly wish that it had been. I pulled back my phone from my ear so that I could read the name to confirm that he really was actually calling me.

“Bryan,” I greeted awkwardly. I wasn’t sure what else to say. I wasn’t sure what he wanted to say. Hadn’t he said enough the other night at the restaurant?

“Hey, hi, good morning,” Bryan stuttered. I didn’t respond. If he hadn’t already said my name, I would have assumed that he had had the wrong phone number. “How are you?”

Was he kidding? First of all, I was fantastic seeing as the man that I was in love with had just told me that he was in love with me the previous evening, but that wasn’t any of his business. Second of all, was he really trying to create small talk with me after he had called me a whore for just moving on the other night?

I got up from my bed that I had been sitting on and pushed the door to my room closed. It wasn’t that I was necessarily trying to keep the fact that I was on the phone with my ex boyfriend a secret, but that I didn’t also didn’t feel the need for Billie to know that he had called me until I figured out what Bryan had wanted.

“I’m good,” I answered simply, not quite sure of what else to say. I didn’t really care how he was, to be frank. Truth be told, I wanted to get him off of the phone as soon as possible so I could return to the man that had been waiting for me upstairs in bed.

Bryan sighed softly into the phone. “I know you probably hate me, Roxanne,” he started. Too many men had said that to me recently. “And you have every right to. I screwed up. I broke us up for some stupid reason and then I bitched at you the other night when I finally saw you again. It wasn’t right,” he admitted. I cocked an eyebrow in surprise at everything that Bryan had just said to me. I had been with Bryan for seven years of my life and he had only admitted to being wrong maybe three or four times. Who was this man that I was on the phone with and what in the world had he done with the man that I had dated most of my life? “I guess I just wanted to call and say that I’m sorry. You deserved better than what happened the other night.”

Well that was certain.

The two of us sat in silence for a few moments as I considered what to say to him. Bryan never apologized for anything that he had done and I honestly found myself caught off guard by him doing so now. I smiled sadly to myself as I thought back to the relationship that I had been part of up until only a few months ago.

“I really, really appreciate that, Bry,” I responded quietly. I wasn’t lying. Sure, I could have easily gone the rest of my life without speaking to Bryan Bates again after the other night, but I wasn’t sure that I wanted to. Bryan had been my first everything, and it felt so beyond wrong for the two of us to end so sourly. I knew that we could more than likely never be friends, but I didn’t want to be enemies, either.

“I guess I thought that you were just saying all of that to make me jealous. I didn’t really realize that we were really done until that night. That’s why I lost it. I’m sorry,” Bryan confessed. “But it’s true?” He asked. I smiled sadly at the small glimmer of hope I could hear in his question.

“Yes,” I answered, “it’s true.” I had moved on without looking back, to be quite honest.

Bryan sighed again, however this one was much heavier. “Then I’m happy for you,” he claimed, although it was incredibly apparent that he wasn’t nearly as happy for me as he was trying to convey. “I obviously wish it was me,” I rolled my eyes, “but I guess I’m just happy that you’re happy.”

I knew that there was an incredibly large part of Bryan that didn’t mean a word that he was saying. I had been with the guy since he was eleven years old. Quite honestly, I knew him much better than I knew myself. Despite knowing that he was lying through his teeth, I couldn’t help but appreciate what he was saying.

“I really, really appreciate that,” I accepted. I wasn’t lying. “I don’t want to fight with you or hate you for the rest of my life, Bryan,” I admitted. “The other night broke me. We were way too good to end like that.”

“We were,” he agreed quietly. “So if you and this guy break up, you’ll call me like immediately, right?”

I couldn’t help but laugh at the words that he had clearly been dying to say. Despite having not missed him much at all and having been so deeply in love with the man I was currently with, I had to admit that as I sat there on the phone with him, there was a small part of me that had begun to miss my ex boyfriend. It didn’t mean that there was any part of me that would have even considered being with him over Billie, but I was only human.

“You’ll be the first person I call,” I granted. Realistically he probably wouldn’t have been, but if it helped him feel better, I’d let him have it.

“I miss you every day,” Bryan muttered. I frowned at how sad he had sounded. If he had been telling this to the girl that he had dumped back in the beginning of June, she would have been elated. I felt sorry for him, however. Most days, I didn’t think of him once. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be that guy...I just do.”

“I miss you too,” I lied. I wasn’t sure what else to say. I didn’t want to completely destroy him.

“Alright, I should probably go,” Bryan said. I instantly felt a wave of relief wash through me that this was almost over. I genuinely hoped that if Bryan and I continued to speak every once in awhile that it would get less painful. “I do love you, Roxanne, you know that, right?” He was quiet for a moment. “I know we’re not together, but I do. I’ll always be here for you.”

“I know,” I whispered. I knew exactly what he meant. As I had said, Bryan had been my first everything. I owed so much of who I was today to him. Even though I was perfectly happy in my current relationship and would more than likely never get back together with him, I did still love him. I was happy to say that I wasn’t in love with him anymore, but he still had a special place in my heart. “I love you too, Bry.”

I wanted to say goodbye, but I was surprised to have been met with the sound of the dial tone. Bryan had hung up without saying goodbye. For a moment I considered calling him back to apologize, to say that I was genuinely sorry that this was so hard for him, but I decided to give him space. Perhaps I would text him later and ask if he was alright, but otherwise, I wasn’t sure what to do. I wasn’t really sure on the line between friends and boyfriend/girlfriend, especially with your ex. What was too much and what was not enough?

I continued to sit on the bed and stare at my phone for a few minutes while trying to figure out what I could have done to help Bryan. When I decided that I would indeed check in on him later, I placed my phone back onto my bed and pulled open the door to my room. I jumped and gasped in surprise when I found Billie waiting on the other side.

“Oh! Sorry,” I apologized with a genuine smile. After the heavy conversation I had just had with Bryan, I couldn’t have been happier to see him. “I didn’t mean to take so long. I was going to come back up.”

“Yeah?” Billie asked. I was surprised at how short yet aggravated his response was. I rose an eyebrow in surprise at his tone. “So who was it on the phone?” He asked, his voice cracking in the middle of his question. He spoke so fast that I was barely able to understand him. “Your parents?”

I had a sinking suspicion that Billie had not only heard my phone call with Bryan, but most definitely the wrong part. I suppose that all of it could have sounded wrong, though, considering I had never told him about the fact that I had met up with Bryan a few nights ago.

I had considered telling Billie that Bryan and I had met up, however it had felt a bit useless to do so. Bryan and I had met up, argued immediately over the fact that I had moved on, and then we had gone our separate. There seemed to have been no point in telling Billie about it.

On the other hand, I didn’t want it to seem as if I had been actively hiding the fact that we had met up, either.

For a moment I high considered lying to Billie about who had been on the phone. I knew that I had had three options.

1. I could lie to him and tell him that I had been on the phone with Sadie. We were best friends and often spoke to each other as if we were dating. The problem was that I loathed people that lied, and my biggest fights with Billie had all been a result of him lying to me. Lying to him would have been possibly the most hypocritical thing I could have ever done.

2. I could attempt to change the conversation and offer to make breakfast. I was a pretty kickass chef and there was a very good chance that I could distract Billie with food. There was also the chance that changing the conversation would make me look far worse, however.

3. I could tell Billie the truth. I could tell him that when I was angry with him a few days ago, I accepted a date from my ex boyfriend. I could tell him that the date went horribly wrong, resulting in me finally answering the phone when he called that evening. I could tell him that Bryan had just called to apologize for being so awful the other night when I told him that I had moved on. I would tell him that I hadn’t told him any of that yet because I didn’t think that it had mattered. I had never had any intention of actually getting back together with Bryan, therefore it shouldn’t have hurt his feelings, right? In theory, it didn’t actually sound too awful.

“It was actually Bryan,” I admitted with a casual shrug, attempting to make this entire thing as nonchalant as possible.

“Yeah, so I heard,” Billie responded.

“He called--wait, you heard?” I asked, suddenly wondering why he had known for sure that I had been talking to Bryan. Had he been sitting on the other side of the door listening to my conversation? Despite the fact that I probably had no right to, I felt somewhat irked at the thought of him doing so.

“I was coming down to make breakfast,” Billie explained, his tone a bit more gentle when he realized that he too had probably done something that he shouldn’t have. “I was going to come in and let you know, but I heard you say his name and some shit about the other night.” Billie placed a hand on his hip. I hated how accusing he felt, and more than anything, I hated that I hadn’t thought that seeing Bryan was going to be a big deal. Billie and Adrienne constantly saw each other because they had children, but had they not and I had just learned that they had met up while we hadn’t been speaking, I probably would have been quite furious, also.

“You know, I can’t help but feel like maybe I’m missing something,” he snapped.

I sighed heavily while squeezing my eyes shut so that I didn’t have to continue to see my boyfriend’s angry face. Realistically, I should have told him. I should have gotten in his car the other morning and casually said “by the way, I ran into Bryan when in LA. We met up, fought over you and hate each other now” and everything probably would have been fine. But I hadn’t. Perhaps I had kept it to myself because I couldn’t help but feel a bit guilty over meeting up with my ex while Billie had been wallowing in misery, or perhaps I really hadn’t thought that it had been a big deal, but it didn’t make much of a difference now.

“I ran into Bryan when I was in LA the other day,” I admitted without opening my eyes. “In Starbucks. We ran into each other.”

“Oh,” Billie mumbled, sounding somewhat relieved. “That’s it?” I could tell that he immediately felt bad for having been so short with me. His tone was immediately more gentle, which only made me feel more awful about the fact that there was much more to this story than I was letting on.

“No,” I admitted while shaking my head slowly in shame. Billie folded his arms but didn’t say a word. “We ran into each other there. He said that we should meet up and go out to dinner a night that week, to you know, catch up.” I again opted to make it sound as casual as humanly possible.

“So he asked you out on a date,” Billie deadpanned. I winced. It was true, but the way he said it sounded so much worse.

“I guess,” I admitted quietly. “I don’t know. I didn’t really consider it that.”

“But you went?” Billie asked. He didn’t even sound angry, and I believed that that was the worst part. Instead, he sounded confused, as if he didn’t understand what was going on. As I stood in front of him, attempting to tell him that yes, I did go, but it didn’t feel like a date to me, I had to admit that I was a bit confused myself. I couldn’t, for the life of me, figure out why going had seemed like a good idea a few days ago. Even my aunt had admitted that she hadn’t thought that it was a good idea.

“Yes,” I finally whispered in shame.

Billie nodded his head slowly while processing the information that I had just revealed. “And that never came up between us?” He asked after a few unbearable moments of awkward silence. “You never saw any time over the past few days that was good to let me know that while we weren’t speaking to each other, you thought it was the perfect time to go on a date with your ex boyfriend?”

“I didn’t--,” I began, however I don’t believe that he actually wanted an answer from me.

“I feel like a fucking idiot,” Billie snapped. I jumped in surprise at his suddenly furious tone. “I fucking--I fuckin’ sat in my fucking house all last fucking week, calling you every fucking day for you to ignore me. I wrote a fucking love song about how much I fucking love you, and while all of this, you were out on a motherfucking date with your ex?”

“It wasn’t like that,” I tried. If he just listened for even a minute, I could tell him the rest of what had happened. I could tell him how Bryan was calling to apologize because he had been such a bastard when I had told him that I moved on the other night.

For the first time, I completely understood how Billie felt that day outside the cafe. He had been trying so hard to explain to me what had really happened and I had been too busy throwing a temper tantrum. Not that Billie was throwing a temper tantrum, but I completely understood how desperate and hopeless he felt standing with me on that sidewalk.

I couldn’t even be angry that he was so mad at me, though, because after the fit I had thrown on the sidewalk and the fact that I had gone out with Bryan, I completely deserved this.

“No?” Billie asked, clearly not believing me. “Then tell me, Roxanne, what was it like?”

“I’m sorry,” I whimpered. I hastily lifted my hand to my eyes to wipe away a few tears that had started to leak from my eyes. I didn’t want to cry in front of him, but I couldn’t handle the way he was looking at me. He looked so hurt. “I’m sorry, I just, I didn’t think it was a big deal.”

“It wasn’t a big deal?” Billie asked in what was a mixture of shock and disgust. I silently wished that the floor would open up beneath me and swallow me whole because that would have been so much better than being the source of Billie’s pain and anger.

I continued to desperately wipe at the tears that were now racing down my cheeks, but it was to no avail. Despite how hard I was trying to, I was unable to the profuse amount of tears that had begun to surface.

“So, just so we’re on the same page,” Billie continued. He was staring at me in the eyes, but didn’t seem to care whatsoever about how distraught I currently was. “You went on a date with your ex while we weren’t together. You never felt the need to mention it to me, and then when he calls you a few days after said date, in which I’ve fucking told you that I love you, you tell him you love him. Great,” he snarled, “no, you’re right, not a big fucking deal at all. My mistake.”

“Oh my god,” I whimpered in horror at just how wrong he was taking all of this. None of it had happened the way that he had thought and unfortunately for myself, I was too hysterical at the moment to catch a breath and let him know.

“I fucked up,” Billie growled while pointing an accusing finger at me, “but I never intended to hurt you. Everything I did was because I thought it was in your best interest.”

“I’m sorry,” I sobbed while shaking my head, attempting desperately to tell him that he had it all wrong despite not being able to spit it out.

Fuck this. What a fucking joke,” he snarled. I watched in absolute terror as he looked around the kitchen before he stormed over to his car keys that were resting on the island and grabbed them. He was going to leave. He was going to leave the house.

He was going to leave me.

“No, no, no,” I cried, chasing after him as he started towards the door to the house. “Please don’t leave--please.” It was if he hadn’t even heard me. “We got into a big fight!” I finally cried out, finally able to find my voice. Billie didn’t stop walking, however he did begin to slow down. “B-Bryan and, and I,” I stuttered while finally allowing the tears to run freely down my cheeks. “We got into a-a huge fight at the restaurant,” I continued. I nearly screamed of joy when he finally stopped walking once he reached the front door.

“He wanted to get back together,” I whimpered to his back, “but I didn’t--I was there to say goodbye. I h-hated the way he and I ended things b-back in May.” My entire body was shaking so fiercely that you could hear it in my voice.

“We, oh,” I paused to let out a short sob, “we got into, into a huge fight,” I continued. His back was still to me, hiding whatever emotion had been on his face, but at least he hadn’t left yet. I had never been so terrified in my entire life. If I said the wrong thing and he left, I wasn’t sure what I would do. I had just gotten him back into my life and he was almost gone already.

“We, we, we,” I stuttered, trying to think of what to say next to him. My mind wasn’t processing anything. “We got into a huge fight because I told him that I moved on,” I weeped. “He called this morning to apologize. He told me he-he was sorry b-because he had been so mean when, when I told him that I-I,” I paused as I suddenly became terrified of what I was about to say. What if he reacted to me the same way that I had reacted to him? “He was so mean to me when I told him that I-I l-l, oh, I love you,” I finally croaked. He still hadn’t turned to face me and I felt completely hopeless. I was losing him and I didn’t know how to stop it. “Please don’t leave me,” I weakly pleaded while taking a couple slow steps towards him. “Please don’t leave, I was there to tell him that I moved on and that I love you.” It sounded so incredible that I never wanted to stop saying it. “I love you.”

I had been so beyond angry at Billie when he had told me that he loved me that day outside the cafe. I had been so sure that he was using it to manipulate me and I had hated him for it. But as I stood there in the middle of his kitchen, praying to any god that may have been out there that he didn’t leave me, I completely understood how he had had blurted it out.

To my unbelievable relief, Billie turned around. He cocked his head to the side. “What?” He asked quietly. The fury was gone from his eyes while his tone was much softer. He took a few steps closer to me, only leaving ten or so feet between us. “What did you just say?” He asked again when I failed to respond.

“I love you,” I whimpered. I wanted to look at his face, but I couldn’t. I was suddenly terrified that he would have a similar response to mine the first time that he had told me that he loved me. I didn’t know what I would do if he did.

I hadn’t even noticed him close all of the remaining space between us, so I was incredibly surprised as I felt myself being pushed roughly up against the wall that was closest to us. For a moment I was terrified that he was furious and was going to hurt me, however I felt instant, pure relief only a second or so later when his lips came crashing down onto my own. The tears began to flow back down my cheeks just as freely as they had when he had been ready to leave me a few moments ago, however they were for an entirely different reason now.

“Say it again,” Billie gasped once he pulled away to inhale. “Tell me--tell me again.”

It was by no means how I had wanted to tell him that I loved him, but I was still thrilled to say it. “I love you,” I declared against his lips. His hands lifted to cup my cheeks, gently wiping away a few tears as he pulled me back in. It felt as if the two of us were sinking and the only way to stay afloat was to keep our lips together.

“Again,” he breathed as he took his next breath.

I love you,” I repeated as he pushed me up against the wall harder and lifted my legs to wrap around his waist.

“You what?” He asked while pulling my tank top up and over my head. We both giggled at the sound of things falling behind Billie wherever the shirt had ended up.

I love you.”

Billie’s lips only lifted from my neck because he was smiling too widely to continue his trail of kisses any further. “I fucking love you,” he admitted back to me.

His grin was too infectious to do anything other than grin back at him. I leaned my forehead upon his own as I took a much needed second to breathe. “I love you, too,” I whispered as I pulled him back in for more. He was happy to oblige.
♠ ♠ ♠
I told you I'd be quick! I know 3 weeks isn't what I promised, but it's better than three months or years, right?! You should have another part soon. :) Thank you for still reading, it means the world to me <3