Sister, I'm Not Much a Poet but a Criminal
Chapter 23
Ariella left the studio a few moments later, and I returned to the shell of myself that I'd retreated into before. I didn't want it to worry anyone, but it seemed to mask the pain that was stabbing through me. If I didn't concentrate on anything, nothing could get to me.
I was the best form of invincibility that I could manage. It wasn't a strong defence, and I knew that it wouldn't be long before someone broke through. This reality hit me with shocking force when I looked up to see that Frank had entered.
"Hey," he smiled gently as he sat beside me. "How are you doing?"
I shrugged. "Not great."
"Want to tell me why?"
I leaned my head on his shoulder. "I don't want to go."
"I already told you, you don't have to. You could stay on the tour with me."
"I wish I could. I'd be murdered if I didn't go to college, though."
"Yeah, I know where you're coming from. Dropping out probably wasn't my greatest move, but look where it got me."
"Yeah, well I don't have any other plans. I don't have an amazing band that's going to make it big. I don't have anything."
"You've got me," his voice was barely a whisper, and I felt emotions building up in my chest. Love, hope, gratitude, and still gnawing at every single part of me, fear. I was terrified. What was going to happen to me when I left? More importantly, what was going to happen to us?
"Will we be okay after this?"
"Of course. We're in this together. If you want, I'll take some time off-"
"No! You can't do that, especially not because of me. You're not the type to let fans down."
"If they knew, they wouldn't be let down-"
"If they knew what?" I cut him off for the second time as I sat up straight and stared into his eyes. "That your girlfriend is currently a nutcase and you need to stay with her to ensure her stability? Sorry if I'm not exactly enthusiastic about the idea. I'm going to come off sounding like a lunatic!"
"Calm down, Molly. Nobody will think you're a lunatic."
"I think I should just do the normal thing for once and go to school. It's probably what's best. It sure doesn't seem like it, though. I can't stop the feeling that I'm going under."
"What do you mean?"
"I feel like I'm drowning and there's going to be nobody there to pull me out. All of you guys will be gone, and I'm sure Ariella will be with you. I'll be alone."
"You can reach us anytime."
"But I can't see you!" I protested. "You're going to tour the rest of the world and I'm going to be stuck at some school by myself and no one's going to help me."
"Let me help you before we go, then."
"I'm okay right now, though. It's the future that's the hard part. I'm going to lose it when you leave. I don't think I'll be able to handle it. I've always kind of felt like I was alone in this world, but I forgot all about that when I met you. I finally felt like there was going to be someone there to pick me up when I fell. Now that's being taken away and I don't know what to do."
"Listen to me," he gripped my shoulders and made me focus on his words. "Nobody's going to need to pick you up because I'm going to be there to catch you. You can trust me."
He reached up and brushed a tear from my cheek with his thumb. I hadn't even noticed that I had started to cry. I wanted desperately to return to the safety of my shell, but it was too late. I was stuck out in the open, gasping for breath.
We embraced and I never wanted to let go of him. He was the greatest thing that had ever happened to me, and I knew that it was coming to an end. I wasn't going to see him at all for months, and phone conversations could only tide my lonely heart over for so long. When we broke apart I felt an extreme sense of loss. I was missing him before he had even left my side.
It wasn't long before everyone got ready for the concert that night. It was the last concert of this leg of the tour. I was running out of time, and I didn't know what to do. The next day, the bus was going back to New Jersey, where Ariella and I would get off at her place. She was going to accompany them to Europe, and I was going to start a new chapter in my life. Alone.
And I wasn't even close to ready for it.
I was the best form of invincibility that I could manage. It wasn't a strong defence, and I knew that it wouldn't be long before someone broke through. This reality hit me with shocking force when I looked up to see that Frank had entered.
"Hey," he smiled gently as he sat beside me. "How are you doing?"
I shrugged. "Not great."
"Want to tell me why?"
I leaned my head on his shoulder. "I don't want to go."
"I already told you, you don't have to. You could stay on the tour with me."
"I wish I could. I'd be murdered if I didn't go to college, though."
"Yeah, I know where you're coming from. Dropping out probably wasn't my greatest move, but look where it got me."
"Yeah, well I don't have any other plans. I don't have an amazing band that's going to make it big. I don't have anything."
"You've got me," his voice was barely a whisper, and I felt emotions building up in my chest. Love, hope, gratitude, and still gnawing at every single part of me, fear. I was terrified. What was going to happen to me when I left? More importantly, what was going to happen to us?
"Will we be okay after this?"
"Of course. We're in this together. If you want, I'll take some time off-"
"No! You can't do that, especially not because of me. You're not the type to let fans down."
"If they knew, they wouldn't be let down-"
"If they knew what?" I cut him off for the second time as I sat up straight and stared into his eyes. "That your girlfriend is currently a nutcase and you need to stay with her to ensure her stability? Sorry if I'm not exactly enthusiastic about the idea. I'm going to come off sounding like a lunatic!"
"Calm down, Molly. Nobody will think you're a lunatic."
"I think I should just do the normal thing for once and go to school. It's probably what's best. It sure doesn't seem like it, though. I can't stop the feeling that I'm going under."
"What do you mean?"
"I feel like I'm drowning and there's going to be nobody there to pull me out. All of you guys will be gone, and I'm sure Ariella will be with you. I'll be alone."
"You can reach us anytime."
"But I can't see you!" I protested. "You're going to tour the rest of the world and I'm going to be stuck at some school by myself and no one's going to help me."
"Let me help you before we go, then."
"I'm okay right now, though. It's the future that's the hard part. I'm going to lose it when you leave. I don't think I'll be able to handle it. I've always kind of felt like I was alone in this world, but I forgot all about that when I met you. I finally felt like there was going to be someone there to pick me up when I fell. Now that's being taken away and I don't know what to do."
"Listen to me," he gripped my shoulders and made me focus on his words. "Nobody's going to need to pick you up because I'm going to be there to catch you. You can trust me."
He reached up and brushed a tear from my cheek with his thumb. I hadn't even noticed that I had started to cry. I wanted desperately to return to the safety of my shell, but it was too late. I was stuck out in the open, gasping for breath.
We embraced and I never wanted to let go of him. He was the greatest thing that had ever happened to me, and I knew that it was coming to an end. I wasn't going to see him at all for months, and phone conversations could only tide my lonely heart over for so long. When we broke apart I felt an extreme sense of loss. I was missing him before he had even left my side.
It wasn't long before everyone got ready for the concert that night. It was the last concert of this leg of the tour. I was running out of time, and I didn't know what to do. The next day, the bus was going back to New Jersey, where Ariella and I would get off at her place. She was going to accompany them to Europe, and I was going to start a new chapter in my life. Alone.
And I wasn't even close to ready for it.