Der Regen Fällt

It was only when the bus came to an abrupt halt that everyone was woken up. The sound of glass breaking and tires screeching caused their hearts to beat a million times faster, all but one. They knew something had happened by the way the bus shook roughly, as the driver cursed loudly. They were all curious about what had woken them, but were too afraid to go and check.

The blonde haired man was brave enough to go downstairs, the other two still hidden away in their bunks. The youngest of the two didn’t care about what had just happened, he only thought of the frail body of his brother which lay in the next room, scared and confused.

He couldn’t leave him there, even after what had happened, he couldn’t leave him alone on nights like this, it wouldn’t be right.

He stood up shakily, getting out of his bunk. He waited for his eyes adjust to the darkness before he started walking to his twin’s bunk. He knew that Gustav had already left, he and his brother would be alone, maybe then they could talk. His brother had hurt him so many times by avoiding him, he knew Bill was hurting. He also knew what could happen if he didn’t have anyone to lean on, his twin was very fragile and he needed him. He was stupid to leave him alone for so long.

When he entered the room, he snorted loudly at the sight of his brother lying on the floor. He never knew Bill was such a heavy sleeper, he doubted that anyone except his brother could sleep through something like that. He wanted to kick his head to wake him up, but that would probably not be the best way.

He kneeled down and shook his brother gently, still chucking about the fact that his brother managed to roll off his bed again.

“Bill, wake up.” He whispered, “I think we crashed, I thought you would be worried... But I guess not.”

His brother didn’t move and inch.

Tom’s smile faded a bit, quickly replaced by annoyance. He placed both his hands on Bill’s shoulder, turning around because he was lying on this stomach. It was easy to turn his brother around, he was very light for someone his age and height.

Bill’s hair was plastered to his face, his mouth hanging open slightly, his breathing quiet, or nonexistent. He was colder than he normally is, Tom noted, caressing Bill’s cheek. He moved Bill’s hair from his face and let out a sharp gasp. He looked down and realized what he had heard earlier, Bill’s window was broken, the pieces strewn on the floor and on the bed. His once beautiful face was now full of cuts and scars. He winched while taking out a sharp piece of glass.

After that kind of pain, he knew his brother would have woken up, but he didn’t, he hasn’t moved at all. Tom sucked in his breath, putting his ear to Bill’s chest, listening. There was no heartbeat, not at all. He listened harder, desperate for just a single thud, but it was quiet in the room. He held the boy in his arms, letting out his breath. He didn’t understand what was going on.

“Hey...” Another voice came from behind the two softly, “I just wanted to see if you two were okay.”

Tom ignored the voice of the brown haired man, he sat perfectly still with his brother resting in his arms. He heard the quiet footsteps behind him, stepping on the broken glass which he had not noticed earlier.

“Tom, is he okay?”

The dreadlocked boy swallowed hard, starting to shake his brother violently. His blood landed on Tom, but he didn’t care. This was his baby brother who lay before him, and he had to wake up. Bill would never be so stupid... And glass couldn’t kill him.

Georg walked past him to the small table next to Bill’s bed. “T- Tom... Look at this...” He mumbled. The bassists back was to Tom, making it impossible for him to see anything his friend may have seen. He turned around, the bright white in his hands, two small bottles. He wasn’t very curious about them, and he didn’t have the strength to ask.

“It’s sleeping pill bottles... And they’re empty.” Georg said quietly, “Tom, do you think-?”

“He would never do that. Never.” He replied darkly.

The brown haired man bent down beside the twins, deciding the check his pulse. As he rolled up the sleeve, he let out a sharp gasp like Tom only minutes before him. It caught Tom’s attention and looked down at the sight too, disappointment filling every part of his body as he saw the dozens of fresh cuts and old scars on his younger siblings wrist and forearm. The emotions changed so quickly as guilt replaced disappointment, he never knew Bill would go this far. He could have stopped it. Maybe his brother did do it on purpose.

Georg stood up abruptly, taking out his cellphone.

“I’m calling the hospital.”

He walked out of the room, leaving Tom alone with what used to be his brother. He only realized that this was the reason his brother had always worn jackets in the heat of the summer.

He knew why he wore sunglasses, it wasn’t to hide the tears Tom knew he shed. They always said the eyes are the window of the soul. If only Tom looked deeper. The truth was hiding in his eyes the entire time. He was such an idiot. Now there was nothing except the shell, the one life Tom loved more than his own.

He moved his brother closer to him slightly, hugging him tightly. He still wouldn’t believe it, maybe it wasn’t too late. If it wasn’t then he would never let go of him again. He used to know Bill so well, but now look at them. If they didn’t save his brother, he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself.

He put on hand underneath his brother’s still body to hold him up. As he did, his fingers brushed against something sharp, cutting him open. He ignored the stinging sensation he felt, and picked it up slowly. As far as he could see, it was a piece of paper, ripped out from a book, but he couldn’t make anything else out in the darkness. He turned slightly, to turn on the lamp which stood behind him. He opened the paper, recognizing the neat handwriting as the frail body that lay on top of him.

“Tuesday
April 28, 2009

Dear Diary,

People say writing in a diary helps you a lot, but I don’t believe that. I’ve been writing in you for four months now, and it doesn’t make anything better. It makes things worse, because now every time I open you, it’s like my problems are rubbing it in my face. I wish it could just end.

I’ve written that I’ve been having nightmares... And when I wake up, I couldn’t remember a thing. I would just wake up shaking, drenched in my sweat, and too afraid to fall asleep again. Well, last night I had the dream again, and when I woke up, I could remember it clearly, as if it had just happened. It was awful, I’ve tried my hardest to forget, but it seems like it just keeps coming back. I know why I feel so empty now.

I might as well write it down, before I forget again. I think it’s better to remember than to forget, I’m afraid that one day I’ll wake up and do the same thing all over again. But it can’t happen.

When I was five, I was playing in my bedroom alone while Tom and my mom went shopping. Jörg still lived with us back then, he had friends over, and I didn’t care about that. It was when my dad had left for the bathroom that one of his friends sneaked upstairs and into my bedroom. I doubted that my father even knew where his friend was, but Jörg would never have let that happened if he knew. I never knew him well, but I knew he loved me.

His friend didn’t bother saying anything, he grabbed me and pushed me against him. I didn’t know what was going on, I’ve never been handled that way before. It was only when he smashed his lips on mine that I knew this wasn’t right.

He threatened me, his words still run through my head when I wake up.

“If you make a sound... You might not leave this room alive.”

I didn’t want to die, so I kept quiet and let him... Hurt me. I couldn’t forget the feeling after that night, he was one of my father’s friends I trusted, and he betrayed me. Later, he started coming up with excused to see my father, then he would sneak up to my room again. He made me swear not to tell anyone, and I stuck to it.

Even now I can’t trust anyone, not even myself. My father’s friend had stopped me from feeling any real love at all, because I didn’t want to feel any pain. I was too afraid. That was what left me empty. That was what caused me to hate myself.

I don’t want to feel that feeling anymore, I’m tired of it. I will never love, so I see no point in being here anymore. I didn’t want to die when I was five, but things change. I’m going to be miserable for the rest of my messed up life. So if I come anywhere close to death, if anyone cars for me, they should just let me die. Maybe then I can finally be happy.

The page stopped there, leaving Tom sitting there. He tore up the piece of paper angrily. He looked down at his brother guiltily.

Why would anyone want to do that to someone like Bill?

The diary entry was made one day ago, it was the 29th of April. It was his brother’s wishes to forget about everything that happened in his childhood, but he couldn’t. Today was his chance, and it was about to be taken away from him. No matter how much it hurt, his brother came first, it has always been that way. He laid down his brother gently and ran into the next room, where Georg was calling.

It was what his brother wanted.

Tom couldn’t save him after all.

“Geo... Don’t call them. Let him go.”