Letters To Rae Rae

Dear Rae Rae,

And the madness continues. Mom has been getting worse and worse with the screaming and insulting. Uncle Mike and Lisa are coming in Sunday and Tuesday we're going to do late Christmas with them. Well, I'm also going to All District Chorus on Tuesday until really late, and I'm so pumped to go. She said I need to drop out, because that's the only day we can do Christmas. Which, I don't mind. But she asked if I had a solo or duet, and I was like Mom, you know me. I don't do that stuff. And she got mad and started screaming and cussing. I've been acting strange lately, and I'll explain more on that, but I just started crying. And she got even more mad and started calling me stupid and thick and yelling more. Then when I went to get up and go to my room she told me to stop. So I halfway blew my top. I asked her if I really needed to stay and listen to her insult me and yell at me like a maniac. So she asked for my phone and I said no. So she got up off the chair and man-handled me, then took it and sent me to my room. She's been doing the crap every day. The other day she gave me a knot and a bruise on my arm. I'm just so sick of it. She doesn't cause me physical pain, it's all emotional. And I'm so freaking sensitive, and I don't mean to be, but just everything gets me, since I'm already so insecure. I want my old Mama back. The one that hardly ever yelled, and tried not to cuss around me and Emma. The one that'll let me talk and explain something. I'm so sick of it. I want out of here. I'm half tempted to wait until she goes to the bathroom, grab my phone, and just walk out. I have no idea where I'd go, but I'd go somewhere. Probably Lindsey's. She'd welcome me. Maybe that's why I've been so weird lately.

See, for some reason lately, I've been reverting back to 'depressed, secluded Kaitlin'. And I don't know why. Every moment of every day, I'm upset, and I feel like I'm just aching emotionally. I laid there for like two hours last night on my bed, gripping onto a teddy bear I made at Build-A-Bear a few years ago. I thought maybe I was just over tired from being so sick, but it won't go away. And it's really scaring me. Even when I don't think anythings wrong, everyone's asking if I'm okay. David has asked me that at least fifty times today. And I try and act fine, but I know I'm not. I'm not even close to fine. And I'm thinking maybe it's because I'm tired of being walked all over by everyone. Mom walks all over me, Emma walks all over me, and two guys that I had never seen before hit me in the head the other day and laughed for no reason. I feel walked all over because I'm so nice, or because I don't have a freaking back bone. You insult me, I walk away, trying not to cry. And all the while I'll be thinking of insults to scream back, and maybe where I'd hit the person, but I never will. And everyone that knows me knows that. I just can't do it, because of the way I've been raised. And I like that I've been raised that way, but it's really coming back to haunt me now. I got made fun of today for being student of the week. I just. I really don't want to be walked all over. I've tried to ignore it all, because they're 'just words', but it's so hard, it's not even funny. It hurts really bad, all of it does. Especially when my mom asks how much of an idiot I can be, or calls me stupid. Because I work my butt off, making straight A's, and doing everything she tells me to for my life, but she still acts like I'm just a pile of dirt. And I'm tired of it. I don't want to live this way.

I also told her I didn't want her to be my mom anymore. And I feel really bad for ranting on this little thing to you, but I need to vent uber bad. But really, I just don't want to be walked all over for no reason. She said I had purposely not answered her question, when I wasn't, and I had answered the two questions she'd asked me. It's just... The things she says and does really confuses me. And now, I want to go apologize, since I really did something bad (hint at the sarcasm), but then again I don't. But since I have this wonderful (sarcasm, again) conscience, I think I'm going to go down and apologize, for no reason what so ever. I did this last time she blew up too, and she gave me my phone back. But, its not about the phone. Its about being treated right. She just came back in my room and yelled at me. Emma had opened the door and I asked what, and she got mad and started yelling at me for needing to talk to her with respect. And I do! I didn't freaking do anything! I'm so sick of it! I want to hit something, really bad. Oh my gosh do I want to hit something. Just punch the living heck out of something. The only thing that ever held me back from doing that was David, because he would calm me down, but since I have no way to talk to him, I'm about to.

Y'know. I cleaned my room for her. And the whole reason I went downstairs was to tell her and surprise her, and then she did that. It really hurts me that I can't have a normal conversation with my own mother anymore. I can't say anything without getting crap for it. At all.

I don't know what else to say. I'm so scatter brained right now, it's outrageous. I feel like my head is going to explode. I need my phone so I can talk to David. I really need him. I need you...

I love you.
XOXO,
Kaitlin