Don't Let Morning Come
2:14
2:14 - Homecoming
My heart is beating from me, I'm standing all alone
Please call me only, if you are coming home
Waste another year flies by, waste a night or two
You taught me how to live
In the streets of shame, where you lost your dreams in the lane
There's no signs of hope, the stems and seeds of the last of the dope
There's a glow, of light
But St Jimmy is the spark in the night
Bearing gifts and trust
A fixture in the city of lights
What the hell's your name?
What's your pleasure, what is your pain?
Do you dream too much?
Do think what you need is a crutch?
In the crowd of pain, St Jimmy comes without any shame
He says 'we're fucked up but we're not the same'
And Mum and Dad are the ones you can blame
Jimmy died today, he blew his brains out into the bay
In the states own mind, it's my own private suicide
I knew exactly how he felt. I thought that dying was the worst thing in the world once. Now it doesn't seem like such a bad option. It would be really peaceful to hear nothing but a deafening bang, and drift away into nothingness. But I can't, I know I can't. If I'm not strong for my Dad, he'll give up completely. I want him now, I want Mum too. I want Jakob even more. I want to go back to being a child, in the days before Frankito went bad. The time which stands out is a New Years Party at my Uncle Mike's house. Jakob, Stella and Frankito were only babies, and I was the only one allowed a sip of beer. I'm reaching out for that memory now, I'm trying to hold onto it. Because I know if I keep telling myself my life story, it's not going to have a happy ending. I want to hold onto this darkness, make the night stretch on into eternity. I want to sleep, but I won't. I'll stay awake, Jakob will be. Stay awake Joey, don't think. Just remember.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
We always got home from school just before 4'O clock. We finished at 3, but we took our time, cutting through the forest and stopping to buy sweets. By this point I was in my final year at Pinole Valley, and was planning to go to university and study law. On that day, the 22nd January, Jakob found me at lunchtime.
"I'm staying behind" he told me, "I need to go to the library"
This was odd; the five of us always did our homework together. Laurie had practically moved in, and she always gave Jakob and Stella a hand. I didn't query it however, I just nodded and said I'd tell Mum. God I wish I'd done things differently.
I didn't see Jakob again until eleven that night. He probably wouldn't have made it at all, had we not found him. We were all out searching, even Stella. Jakob might have been fourteen, but we were still terrified. He was still pretty small and wimpy, and an easy target for gangs. And there were a lot of gangs in Berkeley. I felt dead small myself, running down all those dark alleys, calling for him. My heart was pounding so hard, I thought it would burst through my chest. My mouth had dried up, my stomach was churning.
"He's just gone off with his mates" I kept telling myself, "You'll find him in a minute, and give him a good slap. Maybe he's home already, and Dad's screaming at him"
But the minutes ticked on, and Jakob didn't appear. Ramona kept telling me that everything would be fine, but I didn't believe her. Then, all at once, I saw a shape ahead. The outline of a figure, lying still on the ground. I wanted to run, but I stumbled and fell, grazing my knees on the damp ground.
"Please don't be dead Jakob" I prayed, "Please don't let him die"
Ramona was by his side now, and Laurie, but my legs wouldn't move. I stood there, frozen to the spot.
"It's okay Joey" Laurie shouted, "He's breathing, he'll be alright"
Then I realized why I couldn't budge. It wasn't fear holding me there, it was anger. Someone had done that to my little brother, and I had a pretty good idea who.
"I'll kill you Frankito" I whispered
I felt better for saying it, like part of the anger had floated into the air and vanished. I ran to Jakob, and gasped. His eyes were swollen shut, purple and puffy. Blood coated one side of his pale face, and was soaking through the white of his torn school shirt. The bulk of his skinny arms were covered in scratches, and he was painfully still.
"Jakob" I whispered, shaking him gently, "Wake up Jakob"
He mumbled softly, so softly I could hardly hear him. He was scared, I knew that much. I thought back to when we were younger. What was the one thing that could always comfort him? I knew, yet I couldn't do it. Not with Laurie and Ramona watching. Leaning closer to him, I half whispered, half sang, our old favorite. The song our Mum had forbidden us to sing. The song that had us all, even Frankito for a while, laughing every time we heard it. I was still singing when the ambulance came, still rocking back and fourth, and humming it in the hospital waiting room. And I sang it to Jakob as he lay there, hidden by bandages, his eyes gleaming in silent hysterics.
"I rise, and fall
Back up against the wall
What goes around is coming back and haunting you
It's time, to quit
Cause you ain't worth a shit
Under my shoes or the piss on the ground"
My Mum didn't join in the general laughter when she saw the state Jakob was in. I couldn't blame her, even after he'd been cleaned up a bit; bruises still hid most of his face
"Who the hell's done this?" she demanded, "What have you been up to?"
Like I had been, she was too shocked, too angry to cry. I understood.
"It's okay Mum" I said, Jakob's gonna be fine, and I'll sort Frankito and that lot out, don't worry"
She looked from me to Jakob and burst into tears. She was silent, but they continued to roll down her cheeks. I couldn't think straight, like cotton wool was stuffed into every cranny of my brain. Frankito had caused this, he was the reason I had to watch my Mum fall apart, the reason my brother was lying in a hospital be, horrifically injured. How many of them had there been? Jakob wasn't very tough, but he was fast. Surely he could have ducked and dived, and avoided the worst of their punches. Unless he was grossly outnumbered, unless they had weapons. As though reading my mind, my Mum took Jakob's hand gently. It must have hurt though, three of his fingers had been broken, and the skin had come clean off his knuckles.
"It's alright Jakey" she said, "Did Frankito and his friends do this to you?"
He nodded. It was only a slight twitch, but it was enough.
"Right" my Mum said calmly, trying to hold it together, "Go and phone your Dad, Joey. Tell him what's happened, I don't know if Laurie will have found him yet. And tell him to call the police"
I nodded as she handed me some change for the payphone.
"Make sure he calls the police Joey" she said, "I don't care how long he's known Tre, or how old Frankito is. As far as I'm concerned, he tried to kill Jakob. He'll go to prison for this, and if Jakob had died, I'd want Frankito in the electric chair. You tell your Dad that Joey"
My heart is beating from me, I'm standing all alone
Please call me only, if you are coming home
Waste another year flies by, waste a night or two
You taught me how to live
In the streets of shame, where you lost your dreams in the lane
There's no signs of hope, the stems and seeds of the last of the dope
There's a glow, of light
But St Jimmy is the spark in the night
Bearing gifts and trust
A fixture in the city of lights
What the hell's your name?
What's your pleasure, what is your pain?
Do you dream too much?
Do think what you need is a crutch?
In the crowd of pain, St Jimmy comes without any shame
He says 'we're fucked up but we're not the same'
And Mum and Dad are the ones you can blame
Jimmy died today, he blew his brains out into the bay
In the states own mind, it's my own private suicide
I knew exactly how he felt. I thought that dying was the worst thing in the world once. Now it doesn't seem like such a bad option. It would be really peaceful to hear nothing but a deafening bang, and drift away into nothingness. But I can't, I know I can't. If I'm not strong for my Dad, he'll give up completely. I want him now, I want Mum too. I want Jakob even more. I want to go back to being a child, in the days before Frankito went bad. The time which stands out is a New Years Party at my Uncle Mike's house. Jakob, Stella and Frankito were only babies, and I was the only one allowed a sip of beer. I'm reaching out for that memory now, I'm trying to hold onto it. Because I know if I keep telling myself my life story, it's not going to have a happy ending. I want to hold onto this darkness, make the night stretch on into eternity. I want to sleep, but I won't. I'll stay awake, Jakob will be. Stay awake Joey, don't think. Just remember.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
We always got home from school just before 4'O clock. We finished at 3, but we took our time, cutting through the forest and stopping to buy sweets. By this point I was in my final year at Pinole Valley, and was planning to go to university and study law. On that day, the 22nd January, Jakob found me at lunchtime.
"I'm staying behind" he told me, "I need to go to the library"
This was odd; the five of us always did our homework together. Laurie had practically moved in, and she always gave Jakob and Stella a hand. I didn't query it however, I just nodded and said I'd tell Mum. God I wish I'd done things differently.
I didn't see Jakob again until eleven that night. He probably wouldn't have made it at all, had we not found him. We were all out searching, even Stella. Jakob might have been fourteen, but we were still terrified. He was still pretty small and wimpy, and an easy target for gangs. And there were a lot of gangs in Berkeley. I felt dead small myself, running down all those dark alleys, calling for him. My heart was pounding so hard, I thought it would burst through my chest. My mouth had dried up, my stomach was churning.
"He's just gone off with his mates" I kept telling myself, "You'll find him in a minute, and give him a good slap. Maybe he's home already, and Dad's screaming at him"
But the minutes ticked on, and Jakob didn't appear. Ramona kept telling me that everything would be fine, but I didn't believe her. Then, all at once, I saw a shape ahead. The outline of a figure, lying still on the ground. I wanted to run, but I stumbled and fell, grazing my knees on the damp ground.
"Please don't be dead Jakob" I prayed, "Please don't let him die"
Ramona was by his side now, and Laurie, but my legs wouldn't move. I stood there, frozen to the spot.
"It's okay Joey" Laurie shouted, "He's breathing, he'll be alright"
Then I realized why I couldn't budge. It wasn't fear holding me there, it was anger. Someone had done that to my little brother, and I had a pretty good idea who.
"I'll kill you Frankito" I whispered
I felt better for saying it, like part of the anger had floated into the air and vanished. I ran to Jakob, and gasped. His eyes were swollen shut, purple and puffy. Blood coated one side of his pale face, and was soaking through the white of his torn school shirt. The bulk of his skinny arms were covered in scratches, and he was painfully still.
"Jakob" I whispered, shaking him gently, "Wake up Jakob"
He mumbled softly, so softly I could hardly hear him. He was scared, I knew that much. I thought back to when we were younger. What was the one thing that could always comfort him? I knew, yet I couldn't do it. Not with Laurie and Ramona watching. Leaning closer to him, I half whispered, half sang, our old favorite. The song our Mum had forbidden us to sing. The song that had us all, even Frankito for a while, laughing every time we heard it. I was still singing when the ambulance came, still rocking back and fourth, and humming it in the hospital waiting room. And I sang it to Jakob as he lay there, hidden by bandages, his eyes gleaming in silent hysterics.
"I rise, and fall
Back up against the wall
What goes around is coming back and haunting you
It's time, to quit
Cause you ain't worth a shit
Under my shoes or the piss on the ground"
My Mum didn't join in the general laughter when she saw the state Jakob was in. I couldn't blame her, even after he'd been cleaned up a bit; bruises still hid most of his face
"Who the hell's done this?" she demanded, "What have you been up to?"
Like I had been, she was too shocked, too angry to cry. I understood.
"It's okay Mum" I said, Jakob's gonna be fine, and I'll sort Frankito and that lot out, don't worry"
She looked from me to Jakob and burst into tears. She was silent, but they continued to roll down her cheeks. I couldn't think straight, like cotton wool was stuffed into every cranny of my brain. Frankito had caused this, he was the reason I had to watch my Mum fall apart, the reason my brother was lying in a hospital be, horrifically injured. How many of them had there been? Jakob wasn't very tough, but he was fast. Surely he could have ducked and dived, and avoided the worst of their punches. Unless he was grossly outnumbered, unless they had weapons. As though reading my mind, my Mum took Jakob's hand gently. It must have hurt though, three of his fingers had been broken, and the skin had come clean off his knuckles.
"It's alright Jakey" she said, "Did Frankito and his friends do this to you?"
He nodded. It was only a slight twitch, but it was enough.
"Right" my Mum said calmly, trying to hold it together, "Go and phone your Dad, Joey. Tell him what's happened, I don't know if Laurie will have found him yet. And tell him to call the police"
I nodded as she handed me some change for the payphone.
"Make sure he calls the police Joey" she said, "I don't care how long he's known Tre, or how old Frankito is. As far as I'm concerned, he tried to kill Jakob. He'll go to prison for this, and if Jakob had died, I'd want Frankito in the electric chair. You tell your Dad that Joey"