Don't Let Morning Come

3oclock - Brain Stew

I'm having trouble trying to sleep
I'm counting sheep but running out
As time ticks by
And still I try
No rest for crosstops in my mind
On my own, here we go
My eyes feel like their going to bleed
Dried up and bulging out my skull
My mouth is dry
My face is numb
Fucked up and spun out in my room
On my own, here we go

I don't know where the last three hours have gone. I only know it's been that long because my old watch beeps. We set our watches for three in the morning, me and Jakob. We'd get up and watch a film, or talk. And we'd always, always, sing Platypus (I hate you). We weren't singing it for anyone or about anything in particular, I think we just liked garbling all those rude words. I don't know how that watch is still ticking, it's been over ten years since me and Jakob were together in this house. Maybe it's because some things never stop. I wish this night was like that. I turn the faithful old watch off now, knowing it will never go back on again. I don't want to know the time; I want the minutes to stretch into hours and the hours into days. I want to lie here forever, but whenever I stay still for too long, I think of the night Jakob almost died. Not just because he was so badly hurt, I could almost deal with that. But because of what happened next. I find myself running my fingers over the old scars now, and it still hurts when blood races past them too quickly. My Mum read me and Jakob a story once, about a man who was very naughty at school. He said that, whenever someone shouted, he felt blood rush past the scars on his bottom where he was caned. There's still places, like under my eye and across my knee, that twitch in cold weather. 'Nerve Damage', that's what they called it at the hospital. Jakob went mad when he found out, they never told him for a few weeks. He was still recovering.
Jakob will be awake now, like me. If I look out into the distance, I can see the top of the wire where they're keeping him. I now he'll be hating it, maybe tomorrow will be almost a relief to him. Jakob's had a phobia about wire since he was six, when Frankito wrapped some around his neck. I hope he can't see it from his window, if he has a window. I hope he's had a window all this time, because he liked looking at the stars every night. W e did that when we used to get up at three. I'm looking at the stars now, and I can see the dog, and I hope Jakob can see it too. I'm going to sing now Jakob, I'll sing our old favourite, and the city's so still you might just hear me. It's crazy, he's miles away, but I know he'll hear me.

"I rise, and fall
Back up against the wall
What goes around is coming back and haunting you
It's time, to quit
Cause you aint worth a shit
Under my shoes or the piss on the ground"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I went looking for Frankito, I didn't have a choice. My Dad sobbed like a baby at the hospital, and I couldn't stand it. So I went back, skulking in the darkness like a fox. I knew they would be there, all standing on the same street corner they'd attacked Jakob on. Everyone knew they hung about there, but nobody was brave enough to do anything about it. I did something that night. I don't remember being frightened, but I do remember feeling the adrenaline racing through my body as their ugly faces came into view, illuminated in the moonlight. They didn't deserve that beautiful silver glow. It didn't light up their eyes, as it did with Jakob's. It emphasised the beer bottle each one was clutching. Frankito had seen me by this point, I knew he had. But he'd chosen to ignore me and take another swig. He probably thought that one boy couldn't do much damage against fourteen of them. That's how many there were, and Frankito was by far the youngest. He looked older somehow, like he'd seen too much. I'd been planning to charge up there and punch whoever I could, not caring if I was beaten to a pulp. But instead I stepped directly in front of Frankito and looked into his eyes, trying to see anything but evil.
I never did.
"Jakob's alive" I said
The gang fell silent, observing me for a moment. For those few seconds, I truly believed something inside them had clicked. That they'd see how much they'd hurt us. And for those few seconds, I might still have found it in me to forgive Frankito. But suddenly there was a shout, a chorus of roars, and a rock hard fist colliding with my ribs.
"What the fuck did you come back for Joey?" I heard Frankito say, "Did Daddy send you? You think you can take all of us, well lets see you"
I didn't move, I just lay on the ground as they surrounded me. Their clumpy, metal tipped boots were level with my face, and meeting it too. I could feel my bones snapping, but no pain. Totally numb, the tallest one bounced a crowbar up and down on my back. I felt the skin ripping, blood running off me. I was going to die. Then I realised, I hadn't come back to kill Frankito. I'd come to prove that I could take it. That I wouldn't cry, that he could do what he liked to me, and I wouldn't give in to him. He wasn't used to it. Never before in his life had someone refused to cower in fear of him. He'd controlled Jakob for years; he'd controlled all of us. He thought he had everything. But I had one thing he would never know again. I had a family. And Frankito's only sister was with them, with Jakob. Ramona was more my family than his. I decided then that if I was going to die, I would keep a special memory in my mind, right up until the moment my heart stopped.
It was after a birthday party, Ramona's. We all stayed at my Uncle Tre's house that night, and my watch went off at the usual time of three in the morning. We'd got up, all of us. Frankito sneered, he said looking at the stars was dumb and for babies. We didn't argue with him, we didn't really want him there. We'd crept out into the garden and huddled together to keep warm. And we'd sung Platypus (I hate you) while staring up at the stars, shining above us.
I'd decided a long time ago, that if I ever found myself in a life or death situation, I would keep that memory, and that song, in my head. I focused on it for the next ten minutes, as their kicks grew harder, fiercer. I guess they just wanted to finish me off, like they had done with Jakob. They were so angry that, even with fourteen off them, they hadn't been able to kill one skinny wimpy little kid. And each of them was trying to prove to the rest that he was still tough. Which was why they were kicking lumps out of me. Which was why they'd almost killed my brother. Which was why, for years, they'd started fights, smoked, started fires and terrorised anyone brave enough to walk past them in the street. Which was why Frankito had made Jakob and Stella's lives a misery since he could walk. Which was why I hated him.
There were other noises then, shrieks above their shouts. People screaming, telling each other to call the police. That's when Frankito rounded up his henchmen and ran off, kicking me one final time. Someone rushed to my side.
"It's okay" she said, "Just stay awake, tell me your name"
My mouth was so swollen I couldn't speak. But I managed to smile, somehow.
"I'm Tanya" the woman told me, "I've called an ambulance, you're going to be fine"
She stayed with me too, for twenty minutes. She knelt right down among the wet and mud and blood. And she was one of those women with perfect, not a strand out of place hair, and a smart designer suit. I'll always remember that act of kindness; I think it saved my life that night.
"You'll be alright" she said, as I was taken away, "Don't worry, they'll look after you"
I never saw her again, but I never, ever forgot.