Don't Let Morning Come

4:17 - Waiting

I've been waiting a long time
For this moment to come
I'm destined for anything at all
Downtown lights will be shining
On me like a new diamond
Ring out under the midnight hour
I'm so much closer than I have even know
Wake Up
Better thank your lucky stars

Why is it, that in songs about waiting, it's always a good this your waiting for? Like if you work hard for long enough, everything will work out. It doesn't work like that, I should know. I've spent the last thirteen years trying to help Jakob, but to no avail. Morning's starting to break now, and I'm waiting for the night to lose its darkness. I don't really want the sun to rise, because then the thing I've been dreading all this time will finally happen. I can think straight when its dark, but when the sun starts streaming through the windows, and I can see all my old things, all those reminders, I think that's when it will sink in. But I'm just being stupid; the world doesn't stop during the night. It keeps turning, spinning on itself. When you're awake all night, time seems to slow down. It doesn't have any meaning after a while. I'm wondering how Jakob felt, all those years, all that time, meaning nothing. I'm wondering how he's feeling now. If he's awake like me, trying to hold onto every last moment. Or if he's asleep, he wants to dream one last time. Jakob used to day dream all the time when we were at school. I hope he still does, maybe that's what's made the last thirteen years almost bearable. It stopped working for my Dad a long time ago, and for my Mum even before that. I'm finding myself wondering when Frankito stopped dreaming and turned bad. Or was he just born that way? Don't think about him Joey; don't let him take up valuable minutes of this night. He's not worth it. But I'm finding myself thinking about him all the same. Whenever you say someone is the most important person in your life, people automatically assume that you love that person. But Frankito's the most important person in my life, that's how much I hate him. I look up at the ceiling above this old bed. There's dozens of photos and drawings and posters up there. Most were drawn by my Dad, weird, wonderful creations. There's photos of me and Jakob up there too, at the zoo, in Disney World. We went there with Ramona and Stella once, Frankito was grounded for something or another. I want to go back to those days more than anything, perhaps more than I want Jakob. Because in those days, Frankito was only a threat when he had itching powder. He's still ruining my life now, and he was buried over ten years ago.

* * *

The police phoned at half past six the next morning. They old us that Jakob was being held in connection with the murder of Frankito Wright, and we should come to Helderside Station to discuss the issue with the chief inspector. Why do police always have to sound so official? It really gets on my nerves, always has. The first thing whoever made the call said was - "Mr Armstrong, I'm terribly sorry to disturb you so early"
Did he really think we were having a lie in when Jakob was wandering the streets with a weapon? My Dad took the call, and he didn't look shocked. I think all of us had been waiting for something like that to happen. He just took a deep breath, thanked the officer for letting him know, and assured him we would be down shortly. Then he gave me a pat on the back and said not to worry. You'd have thought I was seven, not seventeen. But I still looked him in the eye and asked him to promise that everything would be okay, like a little boy.
"I hope so" he said, which wasn't a straight answer.
He hadn't looked at my Mum yet, I couldn't either. Jakob was still her baby, it was going to destroy her.
"Billie" she whispered, "He hasn't, has he?"
I couldn't watch, I couldn't listen. I ran from the room. Even with the bathroom door locked and every tap running, I could still hear her begging my Dad to say it wasn't true. He didn't seem able to respond properly, he just kept saying 'Adie' over and over. I buried my head in a towel to muffle it. It felt like I'd been in there forever when my Mum chapped the door.
"Come out of there Joey" she ordered, "Hurry up, we need to collect your brother. There's been a mistake, he wouldn't hurt a fly. Hurry up; we need to bring him home"
For a wonderful moment I thought it was true, and the officer had phoned back and told us they had the wrong person. And we'd collect Jakob and that would be an end of it. But I could hear her voice cracking, and I knew t was just a fairy tale. Jakob was going to prison, and our lives were going to fall apart.
"It's alright Joey" my Dad said, "Open the door and we'll go to the station and find out what's going on"
So I opened the door, I couldn't stay in there forever.
"Right mate" he said, "Let's see what this inspector's got to say"

Chief Inspector Hunt was very sympathetic. He took us into his office and made everyone a mug of tea. It was obviously made with cheap tea-bags, as it tasted strongly of metal. But that mug could have held luxury Belgian hot chocolate and I wouldn't have drank it. My insides seemed to have turned to liquid, and were sloshing around inside me. I felt sick.
"Mr and Mrs Armstrong" the inspector began, "I should begin by explaining how we came to arrest your son at one o clock this morning"
H glanced at me worriedly.
"I want to stay" I said firmly, "Jakob's my brother"
Chief Inspector Hunt nodded, his small eyes swivelling back to my parents.
"An officer discovered Frankito's body just after midnight" he continued, "He had one stab wound to the chest. Paramedics were called, but he was pronounced dead at the scene. Shortly after the area was cornered off, Jakob arrived and asked to speak to an officer. He then admitted his crime and was arrested"
My Mum let out a sound not unlike the moan of a dog in pain. I didn't know what to say. Jakob had handed himself in, there was no going back. The priciest, most experienced lawyer in the world was powerless if Jakob stood in a court and said he'd done it. And this time we couldn't blame Frankito. Frankito was dead.
"We would like to set a date for your son's trial as soon as possible" the Inspector said, "No point in dragging these things on. I should warn you though; the death penalty is a possibility"
That silenced us all. I hadn't even thought about it, I'd been to busy making a promise to myself to visit Jakob in prison at least once a week. My Dad was the first to recover.
"Have, erm, have Frankito's parents been informed?" he asked, trying to keep his voice steady.
Inspector Hunt said that they had, and that they'd just identified the body. I didn't feel a bit sorry for Frankito, lying there all cold and still. But my heart went out to Ramona and Uncle Tre. I knew they didn't like Frankito very much, but they must have loved him.
"Perhaps you'd like to see Jakob now" the Chief Inspector said calmly, "I can escort you to the visiting room if you like"
My Mum clung tightly to the chair she was sitting on and burst into tears.
"No" she sobbed, "Please, I can't see him"
"It's alright Adie" my Dad said, "Joey can go in tell Jakob we're here for him. We'll wait outside.
In all honesty, I would have much rather stayed outside too. But I didn't have that option; they were all depending on me.
"Right then son" Inspector Hunt said, getting to his feet, "This way. You've only got fifteen minutes, that's the rules I'm afraid.
Like a sheep, I followed him. He could have been taking me anywhere; my mind was so foggy I wouldn't have noticed. When at last we reached the visitors room, I was stumbling along in confusion.
"In you go pal" the Inspector instructed, opening the door for me.
I could see Jakob by then, and he looked a whole lot smaller than he had the previous night. It reminded me of the time we'd been to see him at the Young Offenders Prison. His prison uniform this time fitted more snugly, he wasn't that little boy any more. He was a murderer, no better than the killers featured on the news every night. But there was something about his eyes; perhaps I only saw it because I was his brother. There was no evil there, only fear, and a deep, deep sadness.
"You didn't, did you?" I asked, hoping to hell that the answer would be no.
But Jakob nodded, and my world crashed down around us. We sat in silence for a few minutes, before I found the courage to speak.
"Why?" I croaked
Jakob looked at me reproachfully.
"You know why" he said, as if it were obvious, "He tried to kill you, and me. It would have been Stella next; he would never have left us alone. He'd keep escaping, keep threatening us. You know he would."
I checked my watch, finding we only had five minutes remaining. And I had a lot of important things to say.
"Look Jakob" I said, "You shouldn't have done it, but we'll help you. We'll get you a good lawyer, and me and Laurie will visit you all the time"
Jakob smiled a forced, trembly smile.
"I know you didn't mean it" I rushed on, "And I know Frankito deserved what he got. And I'll talk to Stella, I'll explain what happened"
The heavy door was pushed open, and the inspector strode in.
"Time's up lads" he said, easing the handcuffs from Jakob's wrist. They'd been holding him to the chair, and I hadn't even noticed.
"Joey" Jakob said, his voice shaking, "Uncle Tre, and Ramona. Can you tell them I'm sorry?"