The Time Of The Death
First part.
This big, plain ... oh and anxious, hospital has been my home for the last six months.. way too long. I haven’t seen or felt the outside world ever since...
This hospital hasn’t changed for good, of course not, it’s a freaking hospital, it’s just gotten worse, colder and emptier.. Only things that have changed are the flowers in the table next to my bed.
People’ve came and gone and I haven’t even made any new friends on my time here.
I haven't changed at all either. My state hasn't got any better..Here I am, still as helpless and sick as in the beginning.
I still remember the day when I found out about the cancer...
I sighed when I thought about it.
It still brought a lump on my throat. It’s hard to talk about how it crushed my whole life that was full of joy and happiness at that time.. I sighed again at the memory.
I actually had friends and my life was social, even if it’s hard to believe that when you see me laying here. I used to be rather popular guy and I was a real player.
-A memory of that always brings a smile on my pale face-
The girls were falling for me and I enjoyed playing with their feelings. I wasn’t looking for love, I didn’t see what was the point, why waste my youth when I got plenty of time to do that later – it’s not like I was going to die in at least 50 years.
How ironic. That’s what I thought back then. It feels like it’s been centuries when I felt happy last time..
Now I’m here on the bed not able to move without help and all baldy, my beautiful black hair disappeared after a month’s kemo therapy.
The only thing I got left are the nurses with fake smiles on their faces who keep telling me how good my chances on surviving are.. Bullshit! Like I couldn’t see the pity on their bright eyes.
And my own mom’s the best liar.
”Don’t give up the hope dear, you’re gonna need it before you get better. You’re so young, you got your life ahead of you. You’re gonna get better, I promise.”
That’s what she told me. What a great promise! Like I didn’t know my life’s definitely behind.
They’re just trying to make me feel better, but what’s the point to comfort somebody who’s already dead inside?
Sometimes I don’t even bother to open my eyes, I just take the meds that they give me and just feel sorry for myself all day. Like today.
“Why me?” “What have I done to deserve this?” “Is this a punishment for living a life that was full of joy?”
Note the past tense.
These thoughts are in my head every day, but sometimes I just let them to seize me.
I’m deeply depressed, I admit that, but what’s the point in living like this?
I’m not afraid of the death. I’m not afraid of dieing.
I’m looking for to it in fact.
Suddenly regular peep sound filled my head.
“Peep, peep, peep, peep…”
It kept going on until it changed to only one long peep and then quiet down.
My hope raise as I began to realized what it could possibly mean..
"What if.. "What if it was the monitor that.. " "Could it be?" "Had I really just died?" "So peacefully and quietly?" "Was I really dead and gotten rid of all the needles and pain?"
"No more suffering." I promised to myself.
"Is this heaven?" "Is it like this?"
I tried to open my eyes to see what was it like and that’s when my hope smashed into million different pieces.
It hurt so bad to open my eyes that this couldn’t be heaven.
Not long after that I heard how the doctors ran to my roommate.
"We lost her" "It's too late." I heard them saying.
And I realized what had happened. She was the one who'd died.
Tears were streaming on my eyes and I couldn’t help but feel bitter.
“So that old bitch can die, but I can’t?”
I would’ve been so ready to leave all this behind.
I felt so angry and bitter and all.. "Why not me this time, like I hadn’t been waiting too long.. "
Somehow I fell as sleep and when I woke up and opened my eyes I was surprised.
This hospital hasn’t changed for good, of course not, it’s a freaking hospital, it’s just gotten worse, colder and emptier.. Only things that have changed are the flowers in the table next to my bed.
People’ve came and gone and I haven’t even made any new friends on my time here.
I haven't changed at all either. My state hasn't got any better..Here I am, still as helpless and sick as in the beginning.
I still remember the day when I found out about the cancer...
I sighed when I thought about it.
It still brought a lump on my throat. It’s hard to talk about how it crushed my whole life that was full of joy and happiness at that time.. I sighed again at the memory.
I actually had friends and my life was social, even if it’s hard to believe that when you see me laying here. I used to be rather popular guy and I was a real player.
-A memory of that always brings a smile on my pale face-
The girls were falling for me and I enjoyed playing with their feelings. I wasn’t looking for love, I didn’t see what was the point, why waste my youth when I got plenty of time to do that later – it’s not like I was going to die in at least 50 years.
How ironic. That’s what I thought back then. It feels like it’s been centuries when I felt happy last time..
Now I’m here on the bed not able to move without help and all baldy, my beautiful black hair disappeared after a month’s kemo therapy.
The only thing I got left are the nurses with fake smiles on their faces who keep telling me how good my chances on surviving are.. Bullshit! Like I couldn’t see the pity on their bright eyes.
And my own mom’s the best liar.
”Don’t give up the hope dear, you’re gonna need it before you get better. You’re so young, you got your life ahead of you. You’re gonna get better, I promise.”
That’s what she told me. What a great promise! Like I didn’t know my life’s definitely behind.
They’re just trying to make me feel better, but what’s the point to comfort somebody who’s already dead inside?
Sometimes I don’t even bother to open my eyes, I just take the meds that they give me and just feel sorry for myself all day. Like today.
“Why me?” “What have I done to deserve this?” “Is this a punishment for living a life that was full of joy?”
Note the past tense.
These thoughts are in my head every day, but sometimes I just let them to seize me.
I’m deeply depressed, I admit that, but what’s the point in living like this?
I’m not afraid of the death. I’m not afraid of dieing.
I’m looking for to it in fact.
Suddenly regular peep sound filled my head.
“Peep, peep, peep, peep…”
It kept going on until it changed to only one long peep and then quiet down.
My hope raise as I began to realized what it could possibly mean..
"What if.. "What if it was the monitor that.. " "Could it be?" "Had I really just died?" "So peacefully and quietly?" "Was I really dead and gotten rid of all the needles and pain?"
"No more suffering." I promised to myself.
"Is this heaven?" "Is it like this?"
I tried to open my eyes to see what was it like and that’s when my hope smashed into million different pieces.
It hurt so bad to open my eyes that this couldn’t be heaven.
Not long after that I heard how the doctors ran to my roommate.
"We lost her" "It's too late." I heard them saying.
And I realized what had happened. She was the one who'd died.
Tears were streaming on my eyes and I couldn’t help but feel bitter.
“So that old bitch can die, but I can’t?”
I would’ve been so ready to leave all this behind.
I felt so angry and bitter and all.. "Why not me this time, like I hadn’t been waiting too long.. "
Somehow I fell as sleep and when I woke up and opened my eyes I was surprised.
♠ ♠ ♠
Other part will be here soon if you want to :)I'd really like to hear what you think about this.