Slip Away.

Ian.

When I sleep, I dream. When I dream, I dream of Sean. I dream of his eyes, his skin, his lips... his voice, his face, his eyes. I dream of his skin next to mine, his arms wrapped around me. I dreamt of the two of us lay together, now, forever and always. Often these dreams were kicked off by actually spending the night with him, falling asleep in his arms.

Sometimes I was lucky enough to wake up in the morning and find that indeed, I was lay next to Sean Smith. His arm wrapped around me protectively, his skin on my skin. Every time I neared the end of a dream I hoped desperately that it was real. That I could and would wake up in his arms, almost one with him.

This happened almost every night and morning. This morning was no different to usual. I slowly, tentatively opened my eyes... to find myself alone in my bed. Oh. I guessed Sean must have already left. I knew he’d still been here when I fell asleep.

I sighed and sat up properly, swinging my legs out of bed and rubbing my forehead. I got out of the bed, still completely naked and stretched my body out. Leaning over, I hit the “play” button on my CD player and let Metallica fill the room as I sidled over to my wardrobe and chose my universal uniform of black and white clothes for today.

I always think it’s good to start your day with drums that sound like machine guns and guitar riffs that could melt your face off. It really gets me into the right frame of mind for the day.

As I pulled on a pair of tight black jeans I heard footsteps down the stairs. I looked at my watch and almost started with surprise. It was only nine am, and Jamie was already up?

Maybe he was getting better. Maybe, bit by bit, he was learning to get on and keep living his life without Lee in it in the way he longed for him to be. I knew he’d managed it for months after he and Lee had actually broken up, so I guess this was like... the second wave, or something.

I wasn’t sure I could remember when they had broken up for the last time... I think they both went to stay with their parents for a bit. Yeah, that made sense, because they had been living together.

Turning off the metal music and walking downstairs I thought back to that time. Jamie and Lee had been in an on/off relationship for practically as long as they had known each other, really. I didn’t remember a time while I had known them both when there wasn’t something there. They were a collective, you know? There’s no macaroni without cheese and there’s no Jamie without Lee.

As I headed into my living room I was hit by an overwhelming smell. I stood still for a minute, dumbfounded, and looked upon... Jamie. Not just Jamie, but Jamie surrounded by paintbrushes, paints and packets of cheese strings.

“...Hi,” I said, cautiously picking my way through what I believe used to be my living room.

“Hey!” Exclaimed Jamie, looking up at me, a smile breaking out on his face.

Startled, though not unpleasantly, by his change in mood I smiled.

“What are you doing?” I questioned, sitting down on the armchair which seemed untouched by paint.

“Painting!” Jamie exclaimed, before reaching forward to a few tubes of paint, squeezing ample amount of both liquids onto a palette and mixing them. I wouldn’t have ever thought to mix the two- every time I try to mix paint it comes out a weird muddy brown but soon Jamie had managed to make a quite beautiful blue-green colour. He just had those skills, I supposed.

“...That’s nice,” I smiled. I was shocked, but most glad to see him in such high spirits. It had become uncharacteristic to see him like this, but not in a good way.

“Yeah,” He replied, non-committal, before looking down at the paint and dipping the brush in it slightly, I watched curiously, quietly, having always been a tiny bit envious of his talents. However, rather than putting paint to paper, he suddenly flicked his wrist and sent paint flying at me. I jumped, and made a slight noise.

Jamie burst into fits of hysterics.

“You squeaked!” He yelled, laughing at me.

“Did not!” I retorted childishly, feeling a slight blush creep onto my face. Jamie just kept laughing, which eventually subsided into a quiet giggle. He grinned at me and I poked my tongue out, once again childish.

“You have to admit that was funny.”

“...I...Yeah. Alright. Shut up now though.”

Jamie just grinned at me from where he sat, cross legged, on the floor.

“Heard you and Sean last night...” He was smirking as he said it, just a little bit.

“Oh. You did?” I replied, grinning, not really caring he’d heard. I was pretty sure he’d seen us have sex before; I’d seen him fuck Lee loads of times so it wasn’t really a big deal.

“Oh yes. He really makes you scream.” Jamie issued a knowing smirk with these words. I squirmed slightly in my seat, fidgeting about.

“I...guess...” A grin slowly spread across my face.

“Not that many can do that,” Jamie murmured, watching me carefully. I just grinned stupidly again.

“It’s... something, isn’t it?” Jamie questioned. “He’s more than just a fuck buddy.”

I shrugged.

“We’ve never... said anything,” I murmured. “We just... sort of... hang out.”

“And shag.”

“...And...shag, yeah. “

“But you like him.”

I shrugged.

“Yes, you do.” Jamie spoke calmly, as if it were a done deal. I looked at him.

“Maybe...” I said. “I... I don’t know. I suppose it’s... because we’ve never really said anything like that, and we’ve never been couply or anything... at all. We’re just sort of... us. And I... I like it, I suppose. I mean... I don’t... feel like I have to have freedom to have sex with anyone... though, I did used to like that. But I don’t feel like I need to have that, not any more... but it’s the way it is.”

Jamie blinked.

“...So.... you’re saying that you and Sean aren’t exclusive, that you have the freedom to do whatever you want... but you don’t really want it?”

“I guess, yeah.” I nodded. I didn’t do this a lot. I didn’t like to share my feelings with a lot of people and tell everyone my secrets. They were my secrets; surely the point of a secret is to keep it to yourself?

It was different with Jamie though, after all. He isn’t desensitized like a lot of guys are, he actually thinks about feelings and he’s really intuitive... so it really shouldn’t be much of a surprise when he just knows things, like...

“You like him.”

I blinked.

“Yeah... I guess I do...”

“You like him a lot.”

I smiled awkwardly, not knowing what to say in reply.

“Go for it,” Jamie ordered me.

“...What?! What if he...”

“Doesn’t want you? Yeah. It’ll hurt.” Jamie looked slightly distant, though he still managed to focus on my eyes. “It will hurt. A lot.”

I knew he was talking about himself.

“It will hurt. It will hurt to the point where you want to die. But then... you’ll remember. Remember that you do have other things in your life. You’ve got things you’re interested in, and other things you enjoy... and you’ll get by. Hour by hour. Day by day. You’ll survive. ”

I breathed slowly, trying to think of a suitable reply. I couldn’t help but be a little scared of upsetting him. I was amazed at how he was picking himself up. This Jamie seemed miles away from the Jamie I had driven home from Aled’s.

Somehow, he was strong enough to be moving on. Living his life, despite whatever it was Lee said. He was finally letting the hurt, the anguish, the pain... letting it all go. Letting it go before it destroyed him.

“..I... well done,” I stammered suddenly. He blinked. Then smiled.

“Don’t worry too much about me. I’ve got paint and cheese strings.” He grinned, a classic Jamie glint in his eye and leant over to get his paintbrush again. I nodded.

“I think... I’m just... letting it all... letting him...” Jamie trailed off, biting the end of the paintbrush for a second. I just sat quietly, waiting for him to finish.

“Slip away,” he concluded. Just at the moment he spoke, my doorbell rang. I got up to get the door and let the man on the other side in, even though I was almost stunned to see him. To see him here, now.

I just knew that all of Jamie’s words, all of his intentions, all of his brand new hopes...I could tell they all suddenly became meaningless as he looked up and saw Lee stood in front of him.