Internally Bound

I didn't plan on leaving for a while, but I did have to go back to my apartment and get a few things if I planned on staying at Al's place any longer.

I opened the door and walked into my apartment. I guess I shouldn't have expected anything to be different about the place. It felt like a lot longer than just one day since I was here.

Setting my keys on the table I said in a casual tone, "How did you get in?" I turned my head in the direction of the tall brunette standing in the corner next to the window. Thick hair cascaded down her frame in curls. Her pose was relaxed for the most part; arms crossed, leaning against the cream colored wall.

"I let myself in," my now-eighteen-year-old sister Dory said smoothly. But she didn't go my Dory anymore. Now instead of going by the nickname she'd earned at a young age, she used her full name. Doralynn.

I didn't bother removing my coat. This conversation would be quick. I'd make sure of it. "What do you want?" My face was as expressionless as hers.

Doralynn walked away from the window and approached me slowly. "I just wanted to talk to you, dear sister."

"We already did. Three years ago. Or do you not remember?"

Ever since our parents died, Allen left, and Doralynn and I moved in with our uncle Ben, we’ve been at each others throats more and more. Arguing at the smallest things. Volume is too loud on the TV, feet up on the table, borrowing that nice sweater, leaving the house without first leaving a note. It was getting a bit too far.

I jumped at the sudden sound of doors slamming over and over upstairs and fast footsteps. I looked over to see Doralynn taking the stairs two at a time.

“Where are you rushing off to?” I asked, setting my book down. I eyed her bags.

“Japan. With Marshall.”

“W-W-What?” I stuttered in shock.

She shrugged then looked down at her phone to see the time. “Look, I can’t talk right now. I’m meeting Marshall in an hour and it takes three to get to the airport.” She started to turn to the front door.

“Hey! Now hold on!” I shouted. I got up off the couch and planted my feet in front of her path. “You’re leaving to Japan with your boyfriend you’ve only been dating for two months?”

“Yeah, pretty much,” she said right away.

“What the hell, Dory!” My hands reached out and grabbed her shoulders so I could shake her. “Look at me!” I forced her to make eye contact with me. “You. Are. Not. Leaving!”

She shook me off and made a disgusted noise. “I can go wherever I want to. You’re not my mother.”

It felt like a sharp knife to my heart. She knew how much I hated her mentioning Mom. Or Dad for that matter. I didn’t speak for a moment.

“You can’t drop out of school,” I finally said, quieter now.

“Oh, please, Syvanna. Since when did school even matter to you?” she remarked with acid in her tone.

“It’s not the same,” I said weakly.

“Of course not,” she said sarcastically. “But think about this, why don’t you? If you were in my place and Allen in Marshall’s…”

“Please don’t,” I whispered, but she continued.

“…and he wanted to take you to the other side of the earth, what would you do? Say no? Hardly, Synn. Then again, you don’t feel the way about Allen the way I feel about Marshall. Or more like, Allen doesn’t feel close to what Marshall feels about me.”

“You don’t know that,” I whispered again, looking down, knowing she was probably right.

“Don’t I? Allen left for a reason. And now I’m leaving for the same one. You’re holding me back, Synn.”

And I let her go. Watched her leave me without a second glace back. Just like Allen.

She grimaced.

"Was that all?" I asked after a moment.

"No, actually."

I waited.

"I heard Allen was back in town. Did you know?"

My arms crossed over my chest. "Yes," I said curtly. Being reminded that Allen was waiting at his house made me anxious to get back to him. I moved through my apartment, picking things up as Doralynn talked.

“I see…”

She didn’t talk for a while. I stuck my head out the door to my bedroom. She was looking down, touching one of my trophies. I could tell she had more to say.

“It’s just…I’ve been in Japan for a while with Marshall…”

“Yeah, how was it there?” I asked, feigning interest.

“It was alright. Well, it was more than alright actually. It was amazing. But I thought about what you said and after a couple months I joined school again. I’m no drop-out.” She smiled a little at me. “I’ve learned a lot about the culture and their language. But I decided well…I’ve missed you. So I came back.”

I felt like my throat was clogged with something. I swallowed hard. I didn’t speak.

“So,” she said, “did you miss me?”

I couldn’t lie and say yes, because the truth was that I haven’t given her one thought lately. But saying no would be beyond the wrong thing to come out of my mouth now.

“I can’t talk right now, Dor. We’ll catch up later,” I murmured. I turned back to my room.

“What are you up to?” Doralynn asked. Her voice was hard to understand and sounded like she had something in her mouth.

I sighed. “You’re lucky I came back otherwise you wouldn’t have seen me until the end of the week.”

“Hm?”

“I’m only stepping in to pick up a few things. I’m staying with Allen until he leaves to Europe.” There was a clicking sound so with my small bag of clothes and other necessities I walked back to where my sister stood. “Hey!” I said in surprise when I saw her struggling with a lighter at the tip of her cigarette placed in her mouth. I quickly went over to pull it out of her mouth.

“What the hell?” she asked, glaring.

“This is a no smoking apartment. Keep that in mind. Especially since your sister is not a smoker.” I scowled.

“Oh, like you’ve never smoked?” She raised her eyebrows in disbelief.

“No. I haven’t, actually.” Allen would kill me if he ever found out. But I didn’t say it; Allen was brought up more than enough in our conversations. A permanent figure in our life. “I rather am fond of my lungs, thank you very much.”

She snorted. “Whatever.”

She brought back my irritation. “I’ll see you whenever I see you then.” I headed towards the door, opened it, and shut it behind me. But not before I heard Dory call, “Wait, Synn!”

I told Allen the whole story.

“I wish you two could just get along like you used to.”

And I wish you weren’t leaving me. Again. But life isn’t fair I guess, right?

The rest of the night was spent outside, in Allen’s backyard. Well, it was hardly a backyard. There was less yard than there were trees. So it was like we were sitting in the woods.

Allen laid out a large pastel blue blanket for us to it on. I lied on my back, watching the sky turn different colors. The blue became lighter, then pink and orange, then purple, then dark blue and black. The stars twinkled like glitter glue.

I pulled Doralynn's cigarette out of my pocket. I twisted it between my fingers in disgust.

"Need a light?" Al asked from besides me. I looked at his face, expecting an amusement expression with humor in his eyes. But instead it was blank. Nothing. He just stared at me, his monotone question hanging in the air above us.

"Oh, uh, no, I don't-" I tried to explain but the cigarette was slipped out of my grip. With the same expressionless face he put it between his lips. Staring at me all the while he snapped his fingers, lighting the tip. He inhaled deeply, pulled the cigarette out of his mouth, and blew out a puff of smoke in the shape of a dragon. The dragon emerged from his mouth and danced in the air for a moment before disintegrating.

I turned my head away to cough. Allen closed his fist around the cigarette, crushing it into powder between his fingers.

It was silent for a while.

"Syvanna."

I started at the use of my full name. "Yes?" I asked, turning to face him again.

Still just as impassive as he said slowly, "What was it like for you...seeing me after all this time?" His eyes searched mine.

Taken aback by his question I answered immediately, "Shocking. Of course."

He shook his head impatiently. "No. I mean...what were you thinking? Did you...do you, think I look very different?"

I thought for a moment, propping myself up with my arms. "Yes and no."

"You're not being very helpful," he argued.

I sat up more, my eyebrows furrowing. "What do you want me to say? What answer are you looking for exactly?"

Finally the emotions were clear on his face. He looked down, slightly pink in the face. "Well, when I first saw you...I couldn't believe how much I've missed. You're a completely different person. At first I was just happy you came. But then it really sunk in. How much has changed? I'm just...freaking out, thinking about it."

I was silent as his words sunk in. He waited, eyes intent on me, for my answer.

"You may laugh," I finally said.

"Laugh?" he scoffed.

I shrugged.

“You’re not a little girl anymore.”

I laughed. “Neither are you.”

He chuckled and pushed me to the side playfully. The change in the atmosphere was nice. I didn’t want to get all serious with Allen. Especially during his last week.

His last week with me. The thought made me curl up closer into his side. “You need to stop leaving me,” I murmured unintelligibly into the soft cotton sweatshirt sheathed over his arm.

“What?” he said.

“Nothing.” Just...nothing.