If My Heart Had A Face, It Would Be Smiling

I smiled and thanked the young wizard who worked at Honeydukes Sweetshop. I turned to leave when I saw Blaise, Zara, and Aurelia. I froze as did the three of them. Aurelia ran toward after the initial shock wore off. Her eyes had lit up as if I were the largest Christmas present she had ever seen. “Malia!” It took me a minute to register everything that was taking place. “Where have you been Malia?” Aurelia asked.

I looked down at the toddler. Her arms were wrapped around my calves and her head was arched all the way back. Her eyes were so big, and she hadn’t grown much since I had last seen her which would have been three months ago. “I…um…I-I’ve been working.” It broke my heart to lie, especially to this innocent girl. I hated lying, being that she was a kid just made it 100 times worse.

“I think you should quit, I miss you!” She looked back at Zara and Blaise, then back at me. She signaled me to bend down with her index finger and held hand up as a wall, blocking whatever she was about to tell me from her parents. “Mummy and daddy miss you too, but not so much mummy because she doesn’t know you yet.” I wanted to cry. This should have been me and Blaise taking our daughter to get candy and ice cream, not Zara. I couldn’t do this. I wasn’t ready to confront Blaise and I sure as hell didn’t want to see Zara.

“How about we get that ice cream Aurelia?” Zara questioned.

Aurelia looked up at me. “Did you want ice cream Malia?”

I smiled, which wasn’t easy. “No thank you, I have to get this to Julian. He doesn’t feel too well. But thank you for asking.”

Zara stretched her hand out to her daughter and Aurelia took it. “Okay, but don’t be a stranger. Tell Julian I said hi, I miss him too.” I shook my head and waved goodbye as they began to order. I realized how angry I was at Zara for stealing the one thing that I had never stopped loving and thinking about;1 a family with Blaise. I had gone from being there every day to not being present at all. I felt like a bad mum, abandoning her husband and child, only they weren’t mine.

It wasn’t until Blaise stepped closer to me that I broke out of my trance. He opened his mouth to say something, but then seemed to think about it and decided against saying anything at all. “This is um…very awkward for me. I don’t think I’m ready to forgive you Blaise. I need more time, I’m sorry.”

“That’s fine, I understand. But could you…Aurelia really loves you. Zara comes in and out of her life and I can’t do anything about that. Just…no matter how much I fucked up, she would love for you to always be there for her.” I know I’ve been saying I was going to cry throughout this whole chance meeting, but I really felt like breaking down then. I shook my head, because I knew that if I attempted to say anything that everything would come out; the sadness, the rage, the questions on what to do next.

“I’ll let you go, sorry.” Blaise was clearly sorry for everything. That I knew long before our break. He didn’t even look at me when he stepped aside; his gaze was glued to the floor as if he were a child being scolded. On the outside I walked out calmly, but inside I couldn’t get out fast enough. Once I was a couple stores down I let in a deep breath and let a few tears drop. I couldn’t do this here. I just wanted to crawl out of my skin. I didn’t want to be Malia Harewell any longer. I would’ve liked be Selene, or Lolita.

“Malia! Malia, wait.” I sped up. “Malia, don’t make me chase you.” I rolled my eyes and stopped. I turned around to face my sister.

“What do you want?”

She squirmed around a little and had to sigh before she could say whatever it was that she wanted to get out. “I’m…I wanted…I’m sorry okay?”

I sent her a quizzical look. “You’re seriously joking if you think that is an apology.” I turned around and began my walk.

“Malia, I truly am sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused.” I stopped once more. “But I’m not sorry for Aurelia.”

I turned to face her. “Then prove it.” She sent me a questioning look.

“What are you talking about?”

“You say one thing and mean the complete other. You say you love Aurelia with all your heart, but only see her on your terms. That’s not love. Love is when you’re there every single day, for everything.”

“Are you done yelling at me?”

“Are you done fucking up people’s lives?”

“Why, it’s the only thing that I actually do right.” She sighed. “Look, I don’t have to prove anything to you. And whether you believe it or not I do love my daughter. You don’t have to tell me that I’m not around for her, I know that! I’m not perfect, I never was. I don’t know how, not like you do.” She walked up to me. “I don’t need to explain myself to you Malia, but this stays between the two of us.”

“Blaise was a mess after you ended things with him. What happened between us was a mistake. We tried to figure things out. But people like me and Blaise, we don’t mix. He’s boring and can’t sit in one place too long. I need to breath and do my own thing. I couldn’t do that with a kid.” She paused. Right then in there I could see the regret in her eyes. The pain of all the little moments that she missed and the struggle she must have gone through. “Aurelia needs you; she needs stability and a mother who’s responsible. I’m not any of those things.”

I didn’t know what to do. We’d never been close; we’d always hated each other. Was there anything else to do but to comfort Zara, she was my sister after all. I put my hand on her shoulder and awkwardly pulled her into a hug. “What are you doing?” She asked.

“I’m not really sure.”

“Well could you stop?

“Yeah, sure.” We quickly pulled away from each other and she adjusted herself as did I.

“I should get back.” I shook my head, still looking down at my feet. “Just give Blaise a chance.” I lifted my head but Zara was gone, lost in the crowd of people. I sighed; I was in dire need of a fire whiskey.