It Will Never, Ever Be the Same

That was so stupid. The whole damn thing. Not just what happened, but the whole party in the first place. Why did he even bother going in the first place? Oh yeah, because he was a stupid little fuck who wanted to get laid. Yeah, everyone's heard that one.

You go to all these parties. And then if you can remember what happened, you're completely fucked. Sure, you may not remember that awesome fuck you had, and maybe you don't remember that drinking game you had whilst watching...something you forgot. It's easier, though.

Jay had gone to one. Big fucking mistake. And he didn't get completely trashed. That was also a mistake.

Okay, in all the soaps, they promote that stupid idea of "vodka is the answer". No. It's not. The answer is cheap tequila. Tastes like shit, but it works.

Jay was a dancer. He was always trying to get that little bit right, and he'd practice almost all of the time.

Basically, it was a game of Spin the Bottle. Then, it had gone into Seven Minutes in Heaven. And when Jay flicked the standard beer bottle, guess who it landed on.

Mark. There was only one thing that was running through his head. "Shit, shit, shit. Fuck, no. No. Holy fuck, man, this just...can't be...happening?"

When you go in the closet, you don't expect to actually kiss the person you're with. You just stand there, with your arms folded, grunting "No way!" That's what Jay should have done instead of actually kissing his friend. Seriously, biggest mistake he'd actually made that day, that year, in his life. He knew he was in there with one of his friends, he knew he shouldn't have. But, he'd gone there because he was a stupid little fuck who just wanted to get laid. And he never knew why he actually went through with it. With Mark, as well! Stupid, stupid bastard.

He can recall exactly what he said. Completely sober, "Well, lets get on with it then."

Before Mark could say anything to get out of it, Jay had his lips in contact with Mark's, trying to get something out of it. Erm, no.

Of course, nothing positive ever came out of it.

Just then, I realised what I fool I could be,
Just because, I look so high, I don't have to see me.

The level of his dancing fell. He was the one who's life was now fucked because of it. He didn't realise that Mark had just decided to get on with his life and just forgot about the whole thing, because his own life was so messed up from it.

He couldn't dance. He couldn't talk to the rest of his friends. He couldn't concentrate on anything. He couldn't think of anything else.

And he fucking hated it. He really fucking hated it, more than anything. He wanted to be able to dance. He wanted his friends back. He wanted to be able to concentrate on things. He wanted to think of normal things, and feel normal. He wanted to be the person he was before, because he'd made such a big mistake.

He needed to get his life back in order. He needed to be living like Mark was.

Fuck, he needed to get Mark out of his head and Mark out of his life. He needed a fresh start.

----

Mark never actually left his head. Although, Jay had come to terms with this. He knew he couldn't forget, and he'd finally accepted it. He'd accepted that he'd almost fallen in love with him, and that he was never going to have the same friendship as they did before.

He never actually got his life back how it was. But, that's how things go. Equilibrium. Something goes wrong. You try to fix it. And, if you do, you're back to the equilibrium. Things are better, but they're not the same. And they won't ever be.

Jay never tried to make friends with Mark again. Rightfully so, but at least he'd actually learned something about himself along the line.