Dear ***!
A Mess
Dear Whore! 5.11.2000
Mom wanted me to hover the whole fucking apartment. Well, we do have only two floors and 157squars, BUT it’s a matter of principles! Yeah, I’ve got some principles, and one of them is “do not hover the whole fucking apartment, unless the king of Norwegian is coming” and well, he certainly wasn’t coming. I tried to tell her that I can’t do it, because of my principles, I even tried to plead into religious matters, but she got mad because of it. Then I tried to tell her, that I was way too busy, I was listening Dixie Chicks for God’s sake! But no, she absolutely said that I just needed to do the dirty work for her! But, I made it! I listened some angst music. Hehe, the mean boy. Okay, so that’s it basically. I hovered. And listened some fucking girl bands. So what. Nothing unusual, I am doing something at home. I do listen some music witch involves also girls, and also music witch involves only girls. See, I’m not thinking that something’s or jobs or bands are only for girls. I do stuff too!
But, did I need to tell you something else. Oh, I ran out. From home you dummass. Yeah, I freaked out and decided not to go home anytime soon. She was going to take me into fucking church AGAIN! This time for counselor! If I need some therapy, I will certainly go to see someone else than a priest! I think that she thinks that devil has been taking over my soul or something. I think that she is the one who needs therapy.
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Frank laughed, big time. For himself and for his life. In the past and for now, he had the same problems, same situations. He was living his teen years all over. He didn’t wanna believe it. But while he red his journals, he saw an instead connection between his previous life and his life at the moment. He was drunk, like he was on that one journal. Well, he wasn’t on drugs, but it wasn’t so far away. He was alone and fighting whit his mom. How pathetic.
“Focus man!” He thought for himself. He had no idea, what on earth was he gonna do. He was already trying to listen, what would the wind tell him at this time, but then he just decided to go home. And answer ALL the fucking stupid questions he didn’t have any answers. Well, he knew that he was done whit Ben, but he just couldn’t break up whit his own mom.
“Why can’t we just break up whit our mom’s?” He thought while he walked to home. He looked his cell. 22 calls and 10 messages!
“Fuck! Don’t you get that I’m not answering you??” He was swearing for the phone when it rang again. “Gerard calling” it said. Frank was stunned. “You aren’t supposed to call me mate” He yelled, but decided to answer. He had decided to answer all the questions, so, he could just begin whit Gerard.
“Wazzup mate! I was just thinking about you? Have you been calling to me?” He moaned into the phone.
“No man, I haven’t…but…”
“Oh, good, good, good, Just that, then all these 22 calls are from mom and Ben….hehhe…”
“Are you drunk?” He asked.
“Am I drunk? Am I drunk? What do you think? Am I drunk? Well, YEAS! I’m so fucking wasted! Totally messed up!”
“Where are you, I came to get you!”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOU! I already yelled to Ben, when he said to me exactly like you! I! DON’T! WANT! NEW! MOM!”
“Hus man, relax! Don’t freak out. I could just go and chill whit you!”
“You don’t even drink!”
“Maybe not, but it doesn’t matter.”
“NAAAAH, I’m gonna go to home and kill myself or something.”
“FRANK!”
“What?”
“Stop!”
“I’m hanging up!”
“Don’t you dare to hang up now!”
“I do what ever I want!”
And then he hung up. Leaving worried sick Gerard on the line. Frank just laughed. He wasn’t gonna kill him self. Okay, he wasn’t that sure, but he wasn’t thinking about killing himself at the moment. He just said it. When you are drunk, you might say things you should not. He just said it, he just felt like it. He wasn’t to prove everybody, including Gerard, that nobody can’t tell him, what should or what he should not do! Then, he decided to call his mom. And tell also her the happy news.
“Hi mom” He started out. And laughed. Oh, how lovely was the feeling he was having. He was the most powerful man on earth, ha can say what ever he wanted to who ever he wanted.
“Oh, Frank my dear son, how are you? I’ve been trying to call you!”
“Yeah, I noticed. But did you understand, that I’m not gonna pick up! And I do notice that someone has been calling to me, whiteout this someone needs to call me for fucking 22 times! One time is enough you know!?”
“But…but!”
“Yeah, yeah, you were worried, bla,bla,blaa. I just wanted you to know, that I’m miserable and that I’m gonna kill myself. Bye!” Then he hang up. “This is fun!” He laugh whit himself and called to Ben. But just when he heard his voice, he hang up. He came into second thought. “A text message!”
“Hi Ben! I just wanted you to know these things: At first, I don’t love you. And another thing: This is over, I’m breaking up whit you. And then: Don’t call me, I hate you. And then, you can keep my mom. And then, yeah, I’m drunk. And, I love Gerard. And for least, but not least: I’m gonna kill myself. It was nice to know you:”
Now he was satisfied for everything he had been done at that particular day/night/morning. He had told Gerard that he loved him, ha had told his mom to fuck off. He had told Ben to suck someone else’s dick and he had been telling everyone that he was gonna dye. And, he had been taking pretty many poisons. What a good night. What a nice life.
“What if… I just go home and kill myself? I could do it. What do I have to loose? Why didn’t I do it before? Like Brighton. He didn’t need to go through this hell. If I’d only knew, that this isn’t gonna change, hell yeah I’d be dead already. I haven’t done anything. I’m still living this same shit. And for what? For the band? Being as a rock star isn’t that big thing. The will find someone else. Yep, this boy is gonna go down tonight!” He thought while he entered the house. His phone kept ranging. “Stupid people! Do you really think that I’m gonna pick up?” He went back to the street, and threw his phone into the street. Then he waited a moment and watched how couple of cars drove over it. Then he picked up the smashed celly. “Haha, not calling me again!” Then, he went back inside….
Mom wanted me to hover the whole fucking apartment. Well, we do have only two floors and 157squars, BUT it’s a matter of principles! Yeah, I’ve got some principles, and one of them is “do not hover the whole fucking apartment, unless the king of Norwegian is coming” and well, he certainly wasn’t coming. I tried to tell her that I can’t do it, because of my principles, I even tried to plead into religious matters, but she got mad because of it. Then I tried to tell her, that I was way too busy, I was listening Dixie Chicks for God’s sake! But no, she absolutely said that I just needed to do the dirty work for her! But, I made it! I listened some angst music. Hehe, the mean boy. Okay, so that’s it basically. I hovered. And listened some fucking girl bands. So what. Nothing unusual, I am doing something at home. I do listen some music witch involves also girls, and also music witch involves only girls. See, I’m not thinking that something’s or jobs or bands are only for girls. I do stuff too!
But, did I need to tell you something else. Oh, I ran out. From home you dummass. Yeah, I freaked out and decided not to go home anytime soon. She was going to take me into fucking church AGAIN! This time for counselor! If I need some therapy, I will certainly go to see someone else than a priest! I think that she thinks that devil has been taking over my soul or something. I think that she is the one who needs therapy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------
Frank laughed, big time. For himself and for his life. In the past and for now, he had the same problems, same situations. He was living his teen years all over. He didn’t wanna believe it. But while he red his journals, he saw an instead connection between his previous life and his life at the moment. He was drunk, like he was on that one journal. Well, he wasn’t on drugs, but it wasn’t so far away. He was alone and fighting whit his mom. How pathetic.
“Focus man!” He thought for himself. He had no idea, what on earth was he gonna do. He was already trying to listen, what would the wind tell him at this time, but then he just decided to go home. And answer ALL the fucking stupid questions he didn’t have any answers. Well, he knew that he was done whit Ben, but he just couldn’t break up whit his own mom.
“Why can’t we just break up whit our mom’s?” He thought while he walked to home. He looked his cell. 22 calls and 10 messages!
“Fuck! Don’t you get that I’m not answering you??” He was swearing for the phone when it rang again. “Gerard calling” it said. Frank was stunned. “You aren’t supposed to call me mate” He yelled, but decided to answer. He had decided to answer all the questions, so, he could just begin whit Gerard.
“Wazzup mate! I was just thinking about you? Have you been calling to me?” He moaned into the phone.
“No man, I haven’t…but…”
“Oh, good, good, good, Just that, then all these 22 calls are from mom and Ben….hehhe…”
“Are you drunk?” He asked.
“Am I drunk? Am I drunk? What do you think? Am I drunk? Well, YEAS! I’m so fucking wasted! Totally messed up!”
“Where are you, I came to get you!”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOU! I already yelled to Ben, when he said to me exactly like you! I! DON’T! WANT! NEW! MOM!”
“Hus man, relax! Don’t freak out. I could just go and chill whit you!”
“You don’t even drink!”
“Maybe not, but it doesn’t matter.”
“NAAAAH, I’m gonna go to home and kill myself or something.”
“FRANK!”
“What?”
“Stop!”
“I’m hanging up!”
“Don’t you dare to hang up now!”
“I do what ever I want!”
And then he hung up. Leaving worried sick Gerard on the line. Frank just laughed. He wasn’t gonna kill him self. Okay, he wasn’t that sure, but he wasn’t thinking about killing himself at the moment. He just said it. When you are drunk, you might say things you should not. He just said it, he just felt like it. He wasn’t to prove everybody, including Gerard, that nobody can’t tell him, what should or what he should not do! Then, he decided to call his mom. And tell also her the happy news.
“Hi mom” He started out. And laughed. Oh, how lovely was the feeling he was having. He was the most powerful man on earth, ha can say what ever he wanted to who ever he wanted.
“Oh, Frank my dear son, how are you? I’ve been trying to call you!”
“Yeah, I noticed. But did you understand, that I’m not gonna pick up! And I do notice that someone has been calling to me, whiteout this someone needs to call me for fucking 22 times! One time is enough you know!?”
“But…but!”
“Yeah, yeah, you were worried, bla,bla,blaa. I just wanted you to know, that I’m miserable and that I’m gonna kill myself. Bye!” Then he hang up. “This is fun!” He laugh whit himself and called to Ben. But just when he heard his voice, he hang up. He came into second thought. “A text message!”
“Hi Ben! I just wanted you to know these things: At first, I don’t love you. And another thing: This is over, I’m breaking up whit you. And then: Don’t call me, I hate you. And then, you can keep my mom. And then, yeah, I’m drunk. And, I love Gerard. And for least, but not least: I’m gonna kill myself. It was nice to know you:”
Now he was satisfied for everything he had been done at that particular day/night/morning. He had told Gerard that he loved him, ha had told his mom to fuck off. He had told Ben to suck someone else’s dick and he had been telling everyone that he was gonna dye. And, he had been taking pretty many poisons. What a good night. What a nice life.
“What if… I just go home and kill myself? I could do it. What do I have to loose? Why didn’t I do it before? Like Brighton. He didn’t need to go through this hell. If I’d only knew, that this isn’t gonna change, hell yeah I’d be dead already. I haven’t done anything. I’m still living this same shit. And for what? For the band? Being as a rock star isn’t that big thing. The will find someone else. Yep, this boy is gonna go down tonight!” He thought while he entered the house. His phone kept ranging. “Stupid people! Do you really think that I’m gonna pick up?” He went back to the street, and threw his phone into the street. Then he waited a moment and watched how couple of cars drove over it. Then he picked up the smashed celly. “Haha, not calling me again!” Then, he went back inside….
♠ ♠ ♠
I had some difficulties on desisting, where should I end the chapter... I ques the journals are making the chapter clips more difficult because they might not have anything to do with anything but well see