A Beautiful Lie

At what point in someone's life occurs the final cut to the fine piece of thread that holds us onto the spool of humanity? At what point is someone allowed to say that they no longer have the will power to hold the pieces together and try in vain to keep them that way? At what point would I finally be able to admit that I just don't have the answers to everything, even if I wish against all odds that I did?

I haven't been the same since the day I found out I was pregnant, at least that's what everyone's been telling me. I guess since I'm not in their shoes, I can't see what they see. I wish I could, so I'd know how to make everything go back to normal. But was what normal?
Normal was laughing with my friends. It was staying up late to talk to Sodapop about stupid things. It was reading the same book as Ponyboy and having a discusssion about it a week later. It was going to school and getting good grades in every class. It was trying to make sense of the world a little bit each day, but without all the heartache that has seemed to overwhelm my life nowadays.

When I'd woke up this morning, I'd had no intention of getting out of bed and having the first thing I do all day, be slipping on shoes and a jacket and treking through the neighborhood to the graveyard where Johnny and Dally were buried. I hadn't visited them once since the funeral, which from now...seemed like an eternity ago.

Autumn leaves danced around my head, catching on my clothes; falling to the ground in scattered piles. When I reached the graveyard, my heart sank. Everywhere I looked, flowers were set for people I didn't know, people who were long dead but still remembered. Johnny and Dally's gravestones remained bare, tucked away in a little corner of the graveyard where no one would see unless they were looking for them. It was a reality, that if in life, you were a nothing, you were also a nothing when you were gone. The fact that Johnny and Dally were heros was a thing of the past. No one would remember the story of a greaser and a hood who saved the lives of children, except for the ones who cared the most. But even those people didn't have the decency to visit their old friends and leave just one single flower to wilt along with their memories.

I cursed myself for being so selfish. Against my better judgement, I snatched two roses from a bouquet someone left at another stone, and held them tightly to my chest. Wind blew roughly through the trees around me, making more leaves spiral to the ground. I sighed, stepping over some fallen tree branches to reach my destination. When I got to the two matching headstones, I sat down cross-legged in front of them, eyeing the words that were etched into the grey concrete.

Johnny Cade. 1953-1969.
Dallas Winston. 1952-1969.

The fact that the only two things etched there were their names and dates made my blood boil. I hung my head, fingering the cold rose petals. "How could nobody have nothing to say about you?" I sighed. Hearing my voice after nothing but silence made me shiver. But I figured, I had a lot to tell them, so I continued:

"Hey Johnnycake...hey Dal..." I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Long time no see." I paused for a moment, breathing in deeply. "I'd ask you how you are, but we all know the answer to that. I apologize for my awful attempt at humor. If you were here, you'd probably make fun of me, wouldnt' you?" I chuckled, thinking about how they would smirk and snicker at me.

"So...its been hard being without you guys. I mean, we're getting along okay now, but sometimes it still feels like we're all waiting for one of you to walk through the door. Lord knows I have a million times. The other day Pony and I were getting ready for school and I almost told him we had to wait for you, Johnny. I swear, I try not to let it get to me anymore, but it's pretty much impossible for me. I just want to scream until my lungs give out. Ponyboy really hasn't been the same, either. He's been really forgetful lately...and he loses his balance a lot. He's missing you. We're all missing you. Too much." I shook my head, my vision getting blurry from the hot tears welling up and stinging my eyes.

I slammed my fist against the ground next to me. "God, I'm just so angry at both of you! You're both so stupid...so fucking stupid!" I cried. "If you hadn't of saved those kids, Johnny wouldn't of gotten burned, and Dally wouldn't of lost his fucking mind. Jesus, ya know, Dal, sometimes when I think about, I feel like you were right every time you said the only person you're really suppossed to care about is yourself. Which is so dumb, because we all know that you loved Johnny more than any of us! More than even me! And you know...that really sucks. 'Cause, you got me pregnant, Dal. Now, I can't think about just myself; I have another life to take care of. Your child, Dallas. I mean, how could...how could you leave like that? Especially after you said you loved me. If you loved me, why would get yourself shot, you brainless, son of a bitch! I knew from the very beginning that I loved you. I was such an idiot. And you know what? Now my kid is gonna grow up without a father!" I stopped, unable to breathe because of how intensely I was crying. I felt my face flush, and my heart beat a mile a minute. I laughed indignently at myself a few minutes later after just sitting there glaring at the ground. "What good does it do yelling at a couple of headstones, anyway?" I grumbled, pushing myself up onto my knees, ready to get up. But I didn't.

"Johnny, you...you never knew it, but Dally really did love you like you were his brother or something. It's pretty obvious since he died for you. I wanna say I hate you for that. I hate you so much, that he picked you over me. But no matter how hard I want to say I hate you, the feeling of love I have for you is so much more stronger. I can't believe you're both gone. Glory...

"I feel like I'm just repeating myself over and over. I have a tendency to do that, though, huh?" I breathed slowly, trying to regain my composure. I'm one hundred percent sure I sat like that for half an hour, not saying a single word. I sat like that for so long that I started losing feeling in my knees, but I didn't move. Eventually, I began again.

"I'm sorry for yelling. I'm just so...so...lost." I wiped my eyes with my jacket sleeves and dropped my arms into my lap. "You should have seen everyone's faces when I told them I was pregnant. It was priceless." I laughed at the memory.

"I keep telling myself it's all gonna get better. Everything's gonna be okay in the end...if its not okay, than its just not the end, right? I'm supposed to believe that...right? I'm supposed to just go on with my life believing these beautiful lies about how life will change for the better, 'cause that's all it is...just a beautiful lie I'm trying to make myself believe that will eventually come true like some kind of cliched wish."

I cleared my throat and pushed my hair away from face, looking up at the sky. I smiled depsite of myself, twirling the roses with my fingertips. "I miss you guys," I nodded, sniffing the roses before I placed one on each grave. "You'll always be right here...forever." I said, putting my hand on my heart. "I love you both...so much," I whispered, bringing my hands to my mouth and kissing my fingers. I placed my fingers on their names on the headstones.
Pulling myself to my feet finally, I brushed off my clothes. I didn't feel like I had complete closure yet, but this was definatley a start. "Bye, guys."

My walk home was longer than the walk to the graveyard. Part of it was simply because I wasn't too keen on going home right away. I focused on the good memories I had stored in the happy part of my brain. Memories of a small, heroic greaser who was so afraid of the world. Memories of the hood who hated the world too much to stay very long. Memories of how they were part of the best thing to ever happen in my life: my friends.

By the time I got to the neighborhood, the sun was high in the sky and shining down on me just enough to make my face warm. Out of the corner of my eye, however, something was glinting in the sunlight, making squint slightly. I walked across the street and searched for whatever it was. There, in the grass, covered with a layer of light dirt, was Dally's ring. The same ring that he'd given me...the one that I'd thrown away. I picked up the ring and cleaned it off with my shirt, completely in awe that it was still there after all this time. I slipped it onto my finger and looked at my hand, choking up a bit. I puffed out my cheeks and blew the air out, shoving my fists into my jacket pockets and walked further down the block to the Curtis house.

"Hey, honey, where were you?" Darry greeted me, sitting on arm of the couch as I closed the front door behind me.

I gave him a genuine smile. "I went for a walk," I said, shrugging my jacket off.

Darry nodded, pulling me into a warm one-armed hug. "We're gonna go visit Janice here in a litte bit once Soda and Pony wake up," he informed.

"Mkay," I said, dropping onto the couch. Darry walked off to his room, leaving me there alone. I twisted the ring on my finger, staring at the tiny patterns on the top. Something about seeing it on my hand made me change my mind about it being there. Digging in my things, I retrieved a chain from the bottom that held a small silver cross. Johnny had given it to me a long time ago, simply because he thought it was pretty. I slipped Dally's ring off my finger and placed it on the chain next to the cross, then put it around my neck. I promised myself I'd never take the chain off. It wasn't apparant to me then, but both the ring and the cross rested gently against my heart.

I've never been one to really contimplate the complexities of life. Sure, I got lost in my mind a lot more than I should of, but sometimes getting lost was the best way to be found. Looking back, I realized that that one idea---that one speck of knowledge floating in a sea of much more intelligable thoughts, would define every moment that outlined my life within that one week of complete chaos. I want to say I regret the choices I made within that week. However, something is keeping me from acknowledging I even made them. I stopped breathing for a moment, closing my eyes and imagining where my life would head within the months to come. My fingers ghosted over my stomach and a small smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. I'd found that something.

My thread might have been cut...but it's always possible to tie the loose ends together.