Letting Go, Signing Off

DearYou,

I crumpled the paper up, throwing it into the trash can by my bed. My mind began to fight against my heart, deciding what was right, and what I wanted.
What did I want, exactly?
More like, who did I want. And more than anyone else in the world. Yet they wouldn't want me back. Never, ever. Maybe it was some kind of sick joke to her. Something cruel, to watch me squirm under pressure, while nothing but joy would come out of it for her well being. Or maybe, it was a misunderstanding. Something simple as a screw up in her everyday words.
Or maybe she meant it.
But when you're drunk, you barely remember what you say...and what you do. One thing leads to another, bottle after bottle, shot after shot, your mind slips so fast, and every secret along with it. Soon clothes are off bodies, and on the floor, while all promises you made to yourself don't matter anymore.
I'd do anything to know if Callie meant it. I'd take everything back, that night and my mistakes, just to get a straight answer out of her.

Raver raver raver,
I fell in love with her,
Gave her all I could but then she disobeyed the plur-

"Where did I put my phone?" I muttered, throwing pillows and clothes around, finally finding my cell phone before the catchy song ended. Speak of the devil. I flipped it open.
"Stevie, look, I'm-"
"What? Sorry? Don't be, I mean, not my fault you decided to get drunk around me." I was already on my toes about everything she said to me anymore. It made no sense trying to avoid it, but trying to talk the whole night out again? Why bother? It happened. It's done. Over. Yet here's Cal, bringing it up to me for the fourth night in a row.
"Stevie, quit it." Callie snapped. I huffed, but stayed silent to let her continue, "You got drunk too. You knew I'd go along with it. I can't take back what happened, but just because it happened, doesn't mean I like you like ... like that."
My breath ran short, as my fists clenched up tightly like I'd knock her out if she was there in front of me.
"Cal, I had no idea that all would happen, and besides if you didn't want it to happen, why are you bringing it up for the fourth night in a row?" I snapped back.
Click.
Fourth night in a row she also hung up on me.
"You want to settle this?" I whispered like she was there, my words hanging on an edge, "I'll end it."

Dear Callie,

You were right.
All along.
That party was a mistake, and so was the drinking.We overdid it. ...You drank more than me. I knew what was going on. But I thought maybe finally, if your mind wasn't thinking with your heart, maybe just maybe you'd find out you liked me...like that. I was wrong. I let myself fall into this trap. I'm not sure what I'm even writing at this moment, my hands are shaking like hell. Cal, I'm sorry I let it go so far. It sounds so dumb, but I guess I was drunk with "love".
I began folding the letter, then shaking my thoughts from my head as I opened it again. I was shaking violently, almost as if I was breaking down. My hands reached for the window latches, as they clicked open while my sweaty palms slid down to push them open. The cold midnight air rushed in, and I felt calm. Calm, and numb. This was all a mistake, so why was I getting so worked up over it? There's worse in the world...right? Getting my heart broken night after night by the same girl seemed like nothing compared to the rest of the world's problems. I felt my stomach twist in knots, and my eyes finally stop holding back any tears. That's when it finally clicked, I was really, actually in love with Callie. Yet things would never go back. Not even to being friends. My lungs collapsed, barely coming back up to welcome more air in.
My left hand found its way to the pen and paper again,


Cal, no matter what happens, I am here for you.
Even if I'm not.
This won't make sense now,

I slowly walked over to the windowsill, hoisting myself up to the ledge.

This may never make sense to you,
or maybe someday it will.

I let my eyes face my room and everything inside it, breathing heavily.

I can't handle not being yours.
I can't make another mistake.

I wasn't breathing anymore.
My eyes were blurry beyond belief.
I wrote the last line, dropped the pen, and let my grip loosen on the window.
My vision went black as I hurtled towards the ground.

Callie, I promise I won't hurt you anymore.

-Stevie