Single Moments
Two of Six.
The hospital was brightly painted, with roomy accommodations for the patients' families, but it didn't get rid of the feeling of doom and gloom just from being in the hospital. And it was getting more and more expensive. Neither of them said it aloud, but Matt was getting worse. The chemo wasn't working as well as hoped. Joe spent all his time with Matt, hardly daring to leave his side. He didn't want to let go.
Living in the hospital was hard on both of them, but Joe tried not to complain. Even though the food was terrible, and the rooms weren't very desirable, he wanted to be with Matt, because there wasn't much time left. He'd take him out to dinner or a movie whenever possible, just to get away of the sadness and inevitable doom hanging over their heads. The subject was avoided, but Joe thought about it every day. Matt was his lover and his best friend; without him, he didn't have much.
"Are you alright?" Matt broke him out of his reverie. Joe looked up and shook his head.
"Yeah. I'm just thinking."
"About what?"
Joe looked down and twiddled with his fork. "Everything."
"Wanna talk?" he asked. Joe stared down at his plate and concentrated on the music in the background. No, he didn't want to talk. He didn't want to talk about how Matt was probably going to die or about how guilty he felt selling himself in a garage to pay for him. He just felt like a dirty slut.
"Not really."
Matt tilted his head to one side. "Joe, what's the matter?"
Joe rested his head on his hand. "I'm just upset."
"Do you wanna go back?" he asked gently. No, Joe wasn't willing to go back to the hospital. That'd make it worse. He already pretty much lived there, he had to get away.
"No! ...No." Joe sighed, pressing his fist into his eye. "I'm fine. I just want to enjoy a nice meal. I do not want to go back to the hospital."
"Then we should talk... Are you afraid?"
Joe nodded feebly. "I'm just so scared about everything. And I have to work tomorrow, and... God."
"You don't have to, Joe." Matt put his hand on Joe's. "We have enough."
"I have to. I already scheduled it with some guy."
"Can you cancel?"
"No. I'm getting a lot of money from him. I can't give it up."
"Don't you think you could--?"
"Matt. No. It's fine. We'll have the money we need."
Matt gulped. He felt like it was his fault Joe had to do this. He didn't want him to get thrown around and just used as a toy. He wanted him to be loved during sex, not just used. But there was nothing he could do. He decided to end the discussion to avoid unnecessary tension, and went back to eating his food, even though he wasn't very hungry.
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Matt's condition was getting worse. The chemo wasn't working as well as they'd hoped. It seemed like all it was doing was making Matt lose all his beautiful hair. Joe would stay awake at night, staring at the walls around him, longing for the feeling of Matt's arms. But he was in another wing of the hospital.
Tonight was no different. Joe sank into the mattress with a deep sigh. He'd been trying to sleep all night, but had kept tossing and turning and going to get a drink or use the bathroom. Tonight he was worrying more than usual. The chances of Matt living were getting smaller and smaller. He hadn't gotten diagnosed soon enough. They didn't think they could save him.
Living in the hospital was hard on both of them, but Joe tried not to complain. Even though the food was terrible, and the rooms weren't very desirable, he wanted to be with Matt, because there wasn't much time left. He'd take him out to dinner or a movie whenever possible, just to get away of the sadness and inevitable doom hanging over their heads. The subject was avoided, but Joe thought about it every day. Matt was his lover and his best friend; without him, he didn't have much.
"Are you alright?" Matt broke him out of his reverie. Joe looked up and shook his head.
"Yeah. I'm just thinking."
"About what?"
Joe looked down and twiddled with his fork. "Everything."
"Wanna talk?" he asked. Joe stared down at his plate and concentrated on the music in the background. No, he didn't want to talk. He didn't want to talk about how Matt was probably going to die or about how guilty he felt selling himself in a garage to pay for him. He just felt like a dirty slut.
"Not really."
Matt tilted his head to one side. "Joe, what's the matter?"
Joe rested his head on his hand. "I'm just upset."
"Do you wanna go back?" he asked gently. No, Joe wasn't willing to go back to the hospital. That'd make it worse. He already pretty much lived there, he had to get away.
"No! ...No." Joe sighed, pressing his fist into his eye. "I'm fine. I just want to enjoy a nice meal. I do not want to go back to the hospital."
"Then we should talk... Are you afraid?"
Joe nodded feebly. "I'm just so scared about everything. And I have to work tomorrow, and... God."
"You don't have to, Joe." Matt put his hand on Joe's. "We have enough."
"I have to. I already scheduled it with some guy."
"Can you cancel?"
"No. I'm getting a lot of money from him. I can't give it up."
"Don't you think you could--?"
"Matt. No. It's fine. We'll have the money we need."
Matt gulped. He felt like it was his fault Joe had to do this. He didn't want him to get thrown around and just used as a toy. He wanted him to be loved during sex, not just used. But there was nothing he could do. He decided to end the discussion to avoid unnecessary tension, and went back to eating his food, even though he wasn't very hungry.
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Matt's condition was getting worse. The chemo wasn't working as well as they'd hoped. It seemed like all it was doing was making Matt lose all his beautiful hair. Joe would stay awake at night, staring at the walls around him, longing for the feeling of Matt's arms. But he was in another wing of the hospital.
Tonight was no different. Joe sank into the mattress with a deep sigh. He'd been trying to sleep all night, but had kept tossing and turning and going to get a drink or use the bathroom. Tonight he was worrying more than usual. The chances of Matt living were getting smaller and smaller. He hadn't gotten diagnosed soon enough. They didn't think they could save him.