Single Moments
Six of Six
Joe woke up and wanted nothing more to make this day go away. But there are some things you just can't miss. Your dead lover's funeral is one of those things. He was in a hotel room with his brother, Nick, at the moment. His parents were next door, and in rooms around them were members of Matt's family, and some of his old band members. Even the hotel room smelled like death - musty and old, like something going rotten. Or maybe that was Joe's mind playing tricks on him. But he smelled it.
Nick had woken him up, telling him they were at risk of being late. They could wait, Joe thought. Nick slipped into the bathroom and Joe rolled off the bed, dragging his suitcase towards him. He pulled out his folded suit, holding it in front of him. It wasn't the traditional black tux - he couldn't bring himself to use one of those. It was a dark purple with thick black vertical stripes. It was still formal and appropriate, but not something that would make him sad just to wear.
He picked up the matching black pants and set them on the bed. Under them, nestled into his things, was the photo. He picked it up and just stared at it. He'd hardly been able to remember what Matt looked like with hair. He ran his hand over Matt's paper face solemnly, with that weird feeling that he wanted to cry, but he didn't. Really, he hadn't cried in days and he didn't know why.
Nick left the bathroom and kind of watched him as he shuffled in, holding the suit carefully. He took the longest shower that the time allowed him, breathing heavily. His chest hurt and he felt dizzy, like his legs were about to give out.
He stood in front of the mirror after he changed, trying desperately to find any flaw in his appearance. Anything that might delay him going to this damn funeral. He ran his hand lightly down the buttons on the jacket, fiddled with the tie, combed his hair over and over. He felt like an idiot, trying so hard to dress up for Matt, when he wasn't even with Matt...
After a few attempts, he ruined his hairdo with his hands and started over. It had looked fine, but he didn't want to set foot out that door. He combed it carefully, using just the tiniest amount of gel to hold it in place, and stepped back from the mirror again. He finally had to admit that he looked fine, and he couldn't keep putting this off. He looked into his own eyes in the mirror, putting a hand up to touch the glass. His reflection mimicked him, raising it's hand to his. For a moment Joe felt like he could see Matt in his own reflection. He took his hand away and closed his eyes, and when he opened them he was just staring at himself.
Still, no tears. His eyes weren't even red. What's wrong with him?
Joe shuffled out of the bathroom and sat down on one of the beds, avoiding looking at Nick as he passed. He sat down on the bed, grabbing his shoes and once again, purposely taking a long time to untie them so he could slip them on his feet.
"I don't get it," Nick finally said. Joe barely looked up. Nick was almost kind of smiling.
"What?"
Nick took a seat next to Joe. "You don't seem sad at all. You loved him so much."
Joe looked back down and pulled the back over his heel. "I guess."
"How can you not be devastated?" he asked gently, in a worried way with a hand on Joe's back. Joe almost shied away, but the feeling of someone touching him felt good. He hadn't felt it since... the day Matt died. He'd avoided anyone that tried to hug him. He slid his foot in and then fumbled with the tongue and the laces.Two bunny ears....
"Because..." he sighed, and he was saying this more to convince himself than anything else. "life goes on, and you just need to go with it. I loved Matt so much, and I'll miss him so much, but I don't want to be sad. And Matt wouldn't want me to be sad." Over, under, through the rabbit hole. He now moved on to the second shoe.
Nick smiled, rubbing Joe's upper back. "Wow. What you two had was special."
Joe's throat tightened. Now he wanted to cry. "Yeah, it was."
"We're going to be late," he said suddenly, as if trying to change the subject - sort of.
He nodded, silently finishing up his shoes. He didn't sit up right away, he liked the feeling of Nick rubbing his back. He just wanted someone to hug him and tell him it was all going to be alright.
"Yeah," he finally said as he stood up off the bed, knowing he had to face this. For himself, and for Matt. "Let's go."
"You ready?" Nick asked before they got out of the car, like a mother would ask her young child if they were ready for their first day of school. Joe looked out the window up to the sky, remembering the letter for a minute. 'Don't hold back because of me'.
He nodded. "I'm ready."
Nick had woken him up, telling him they were at risk of being late. They could wait, Joe thought. Nick slipped into the bathroom and Joe rolled off the bed, dragging his suitcase towards him. He pulled out his folded suit, holding it in front of him. It wasn't the traditional black tux - he couldn't bring himself to use one of those. It was a dark purple with thick black vertical stripes. It was still formal and appropriate, but not something that would make him sad just to wear.
He picked up the matching black pants and set them on the bed. Under them, nestled into his things, was the photo. He picked it up and just stared at it. He'd hardly been able to remember what Matt looked like with hair. He ran his hand over Matt's paper face solemnly, with that weird feeling that he wanted to cry, but he didn't. Really, he hadn't cried in days and he didn't know why.
Nick left the bathroom and kind of watched him as he shuffled in, holding the suit carefully. He took the longest shower that the time allowed him, breathing heavily. His chest hurt and he felt dizzy, like his legs were about to give out.
He stood in front of the mirror after he changed, trying desperately to find any flaw in his appearance. Anything that might delay him going to this damn funeral. He ran his hand lightly down the buttons on the jacket, fiddled with the tie, combed his hair over and over. He felt like an idiot, trying so hard to dress up for Matt, when he wasn't even with Matt...
After a few attempts, he ruined his hairdo with his hands and started over. It had looked fine, but he didn't want to set foot out that door. He combed it carefully, using just the tiniest amount of gel to hold it in place, and stepped back from the mirror again. He finally had to admit that he looked fine, and he couldn't keep putting this off. He looked into his own eyes in the mirror, putting a hand up to touch the glass. His reflection mimicked him, raising it's hand to his. For a moment Joe felt like he could see Matt in his own reflection. He took his hand away and closed his eyes, and when he opened them he was just staring at himself.
Still, no tears. His eyes weren't even red. What's wrong with him?
Joe shuffled out of the bathroom and sat down on one of the beds, avoiding looking at Nick as he passed. He sat down on the bed, grabbing his shoes and once again, purposely taking a long time to untie them so he could slip them on his feet.
"I don't get it," Nick finally said. Joe barely looked up. Nick was almost kind of smiling.
"What?"
Nick took a seat next to Joe. "You don't seem sad at all. You loved him so much."
Joe looked back down and pulled the back over his heel. "I guess."
"How can you not be devastated?" he asked gently, in a worried way with a hand on Joe's back. Joe almost shied away, but the feeling of someone touching him felt good. He hadn't felt it since... the day Matt died. He'd avoided anyone that tried to hug him. He slid his foot in and then fumbled with the tongue and the laces.Two bunny ears....
"Because..." he sighed, and he was saying this more to convince himself than anything else. "life goes on, and you just need to go with it. I loved Matt so much, and I'll miss him so much, but I don't want to be sad. And Matt wouldn't want me to be sad." Over, under, through the rabbit hole. He now moved on to the second shoe.
Nick smiled, rubbing Joe's upper back. "Wow. What you two had was special."
Joe's throat tightened. Now he wanted to cry. "Yeah, it was."
"We're going to be late," he said suddenly, as if trying to change the subject - sort of.
He nodded, silently finishing up his shoes. He didn't sit up right away, he liked the feeling of Nick rubbing his back. He just wanted someone to hug him and tell him it was all going to be alright.
"Yeah," he finally said as he stood up off the bed, knowing he had to face this. For himself, and for Matt. "Let's go."
"You ready?" Nick asked before they got out of the car, like a mother would ask her young child if they were ready for their first day of school. Joe looked out the window up to the sky, remembering the letter for a minute. 'Don't hold back because of me'.
He nodded. "I'm ready."