I'd Be Lying If I Told You Nothing Was Going to Change
I'd Be Lying If I Told You Nothing Was Going To Ch
“You’re gonna tell them about it?”
Gerard glanced over at his brother, who was focused on scuffing the floor with his shoe, eyes lowered. “Tell who about what?” he asked, completely nonplussed.
“Them.” Mikey nodded his head in the direction of the crowd, teeming just out of sight beyond the partition that kept the backstage area hidden. “About that.” Another nod, this one towards Gerard’s left hand. More scuffing of shoes.
“Oh,” Gerard said, raising his hand briefly to look again at his ring. He felt his mouth go dry for a split second before swallowing- inconspicuously, he hoped. “I already told you I would. I’m ready to let the fans know now, I’ve been seeing her long enough to know that I want to do this… that we want to do this,” he amended. “And they have a right to know. Besides, it’s not like nobody’s suspected it from the start. Did you see all the shit that was flying around on the Internet?” he laughed.
Mikey wasn’t responding. Every once in a while he would lift his head to stare out at the stage, then drop it again.
“Mikey? You okay?” It was only a guess in the dim lighting backstage, but it looked like Mikey was in the beginning stages of panic. “Hey, you’re not the one who’s telling them you’re engaged, you know.”
“I know.” Mikey sighed. “It’s just…” He raised his head, and Gerard was alarmed to see his eyes glistening wetly. “As long as they didn’t know, I kind of felt like I could pretend it wasn’t happening. Like there was still a chance that you could call it off.” He laughed shortly. “I know, stupid, right? Like you would ever call it off. You love her too much.”
Gerard could only blink at him. What was he talking about? “Mikey, what-“
“I’m married,” Mikey said suddenly. “I’m married, Gerard, and even if I wasn’t, the way we feel about each other would still be wrong. But…” He hesitated for only a second before plowing determinedly onward. “But as long as you were still single, I could tell myself that it wasn’t completely wrong, that there was still some semblance of rationality to our relationship. As long as you weren’t married, I could try to convince myself that this was okay. But now… I can’t even tell myself that anymore.” He gazed at Gerard with pleading, adoring eyes. “Things are going to change, aren’t they?” His voice wavered, only ever so slightly, but it was enough to send Gerard’s heart plummeting somewhere past his intestines.
“Mikey,” he whispered, pulling his brother into an embrace. His throat felt tight. “I can’t promise that nothing is going to change,” he said slowly. “But I can promise you that nothing will ever change the way I feel about you.” He paused. “Okay?”
“Okay,” Mikey murmured, pressing his face into Gerard’s chest. Gerard sighed deeply, rubbing his brother’s back. Mikey’s hair smelled like faint traces of sweat and smoke, and he wanted to just stand there and breathe it in for the rest of his life.
“We have a show to do,” Mikey reminded him in a mumble, as if he was reading Gerard’s mind. Gerard sighed again and released his brother, glancing one last time at his left hand.
“Yeah.”
Gerard glanced over at his brother, who was focused on scuffing the floor with his shoe, eyes lowered. “Tell who about what?” he asked, completely nonplussed.
“Them.” Mikey nodded his head in the direction of the crowd, teeming just out of sight beyond the partition that kept the backstage area hidden. “About that.” Another nod, this one towards Gerard’s left hand. More scuffing of shoes.
“Oh,” Gerard said, raising his hand briefly to look again at his ring. He felt his mouth go dry for a split second before swallowing- inconspicuously, he hoped. “I already told you I would. I’m ready to let the fans know now, I’ve been seeing her long enough to know that I want to do this… that we want to do this,” he amended. “And they have a right to know. Besides, it’s not like nobody’s suspected it from the start. Did you see all the shit that was flying around on the Internet?” he laughed.
Mikey wasn’t responding. Every once in a while he would lift his head to stare out at the stage, then drop it again.
“Mikey? You okay?” It was only a guess in the dim lighting backstage, but it looked like Mikey was in the beginning stages of panic. “Hey, you’re not the one who’s telling them you’re engaged, you know.”
“I know.” Mikey sighed. “It’s just…” He raised his head, and Gerard was alarmed to see his eyes glistening wetly. “As long as they didn’t know, I kind of felt like I could pretend it wasn’t happening. Like there was still a chance that you could call it off.” He laughed shortly. “I know, stupid, right? Like you would ever call it off. You love her too much.”
Gerard could only blink at him. What was he talking about? “Mikey, what-“
“I’m married,” Mikey said suddenly. “I’m married, Gerard, and even if I wasn’t, the way we feel about each other would still be wrong. But…” He hesitated for only a second before plowing determinedly onward. “But as long as you were still single, I could tell myself that it wasn’t completely wrong, that there was still some semblance of rationality to our relationship. As long as you weren’t married, I could try to convince myself that this was okay. But now… I can’t even tell myself that anymore.” He gazed at Gerard with pleading, adoring eyes. “Things are going to change, aren’t they?” His voice wavered, only ever so slightly, but it was enough to send Gerard’s heart plummeting somewhere past his intestines.
“Mikey,” he whispered, pulling his brother into an embrace. His throat felt tight. “I can’t promise that nothing is going to change,” he said slowly. “But I can promise you that nothing will ever change the way I feel about you.” He paused. “Okay?”
“Okay,” Mikey murmured, pressing his face into Gerard’s chest. Gerard sighed deeply, rubbing his brother’s back. Mikey’s hair smelled like faint traces of sweat and smoke, and he wanted to just stand there and breathe it in for the rest of his life.
“We have a show to do,” Mikey reminded him in a mumble, as if he was reading Gerard’s mind. Gerard sighed again and released his brother, glancing one last time at his left hand.
“Yeah.”