Anonymous

I was having that dream again- you know the one. Where I am falling into water with you; our lips connected as if magnets and our arms tangled sloppily- trying to hard too hold on, but slipping do to our wet skin. My eyes were snapped shut, keeping the image of you smiling stuck in my head. I grabbed your worn out Iron Maiden shirt, digging my nails into the fabric in an effort to hold on as the tide dragged us deeper in the blue abyss. That sensation of doom wrapped around us, as the eruption of love imploded within our small bodies…creating this sensational mess that looked like the pyreflies of death; colorful and entrancing.

I know, leave it to me to bring up a video game reference. But I like to think that was one of the reasons why you loved me. Why you would be so willing to make my nightly dream a reality. Why you promised that you would die for me. Because you loved me; my craziness, my nerdy tendencies, my hyper behavior. I think you even loved the negatives. How I would be so sarcastic sometimes it would cause you to loose your hair- though we both know you were loosing hair ‘cause you were older. Or how I would mock you and yell at you and even sometimes curse at you when I was angry. Even at my worse- even when I hurt you- you would still look at me with nothing but love…

Love. I never knew a four letter word would hold so much emotion. I would throw around hate like it meant nothing. I use to throw around love like it was candy. You would always scold me when I told faceless/nameless girls I loved them. You knew I didn’t. You knew I could never love any of them. You knew the only person I ever wanted to say that four letter word to was…

But I never fucking said it! Ha. In all my years knowing you, needing you, dieing for you, I never fucking said “I love you Gerard Arthur Way!” Despite the emotion that ripped at my body every time our lips would brush against one another during concerts. That’s what love is; a ripping sensation. Like someone was taking fork and knives and digging them into my stomach. God it was so painful but so amazing at the same time. I was high, I was high on you and I could never tell you. No matter how much I could see you beg for me to…to just say it. To tell you I wanted you to be with me and only me.

Fuck what anyone else thought. Yes. Fuck them all- our families, our band, even our fucking fans. If they didn’t like it, they could go fuck themselves. Our love would be the only reason to sacrifice everything.

But that was over right?

Because I could never bring myself to say those words to you- “I love you.” Seems so easy now. I can say it without hesitation, without even thinking for a second if I meant it. Cause I do.

Is that why you brought her home? To our apartment that we shared with Bob. Is that why you introduced her as your girlfriend, even though she made her living cutting your hair? Because I couldn’t be what you wanted, so you latched on to the only being who would show you affection, despite the fact her intentions were never to love you but to use you.

I was so angry with you. I’ve never been that angry in my life- but I was…I wanted to honestly kill you right then and there. I knew how to…I planned the whole thing out. I was going to wait until you were asleep- you always slept like a fucking log- and cut your wrist. Watch you bleed to death…back until into a corner and cry until I was heaving from lack of tears. Then once your breathing chest was a memory, I would go into my room and swallow all the sleeping pills I had. It would be a warped Romeo and Juliet; I could live with that…I could leave with a murder suicide if it meant we would meet up in hell. But…what always stopped me was the way your eyes would look at me if you did wake up- with betrayal, confusion, and tears….

God, I could never stand the look of you crying. I could never stand when you looked at me with anything but love. It killed me! Killed me like a million fucking razor blades ripping apart my body. Cause that’s what love is, right? And if dieing would show you I loved you, I would die and come back a million times to prove my feelings.

Anyway, that night…when you allowed her into our fortress. Let her tacky scene heels scrape the hard wood floor Bob had just moped. Let her disgusting aroma fill my nose and infect my body like a fucking poison. Let her…you let her touch you. Let her touch the body reserved only for me. Call me selfish- go a head do it. Don’t even say you never felt the same when you saw all those other girls touch me.

She was blabbering about nothing- that girl who shall not be named…because every time her name is mention a real My Chemical Romance fan goes insane- and I couldn’t take her annoying voice shattering my sanity. I abruptly arose from my seat; making sure I made a lot of noise so she would feel uncomfortable. I wanted her to feel embarrassed to be around me, you, our band. I didn’t care if she was Mikey’s best friend or your girl-

I threw myself onto the bed, taking in a deep breath so I could smell the cheap cologne I had gotten you while we were on tour- “God, Gerard you smell so bad.” You smiled when I said that because you knew I was right.

You walked into my room, that look of confusion in your eyes, and addressed me by my full name “Frank Anthony Iero.” I knew you were aggravated with me, so I didn’t look at you. “I treat your girlfriends with respect when you bring the parading into our living room, I expect you to do the same.”

I hated that you spoke down to me ever since your age became three-zero. I gripped the covers to keep myself from punching out the skank you brought into my house. “No one asked you to be nice to them. They don’t mean anything.”

“Well, I am nice anyway because you are my friend,” I hated when you threw that in my face, “and plus…Eliza means something to me.”

My eyes cracked when you said her name…when you said she meant something to you.

No! That wasn’t supposed to happen! Girls were only mindless fucks. They weren’t supposed to be anything to us! We would fuck them, because they so asked for it, and then leave them laying naked and weak in our hotel room; begging for more. That’s how it worked because in the end we were going to be together. Girls were just a formality.

I sat up. Staring you down. Looking into your eyes, hoping that what had just fallen out of your mouth was just a lie. Lies. Lies. Cause you do fucking lie even if you want our fans to think otherwise. But no. No. No. No. There your eyes spoke love, and not for me…but her. That stranger.

“How could she?”

“Frankie…”

“No!” I shouted, “Don’t talk down to me. Call me Frank!”

“Frank…”

I didn’t realize I was crying until I saw the hot tears fall unto my black and red sheets. Oh how utterly cliché I was. I tried in vain to wipe away the tears from my broken eyes. I couldn’t escape the fate however. I don’t think I ever cried like that in front of you before. I would leave before I would allow myself to seem so weak. Never. I could never let you see me as weak…

Because one day, when I was cradling your high and drunk body in my small arms you said…

You said….

“You’re the reason I get up in the morning. You’re my life support Frank.”

I couldn’t let you know…it was the other way around.

The bed creaked and I brought my blood shot eyes to look into your hazel orbs. Indifference. That’s all I could see. Not love…not even dislike…or hate.

“Frank…I’ve asked her to marry me-“

I screamed…in my head. I would have screamed in your face if my mouth wasn’t numb. This stranger, this nothing, was taking you away from me. You couldn’t have waited! Could you! So fucking impatient. You couldn't wait for me. You had to have it now, instant gratification!

I’m sorry Gerard fucking Way, not everyone bows down to you!

“I hate you…” It was the first time I ever meant it and you knew that.

Your eyes morphed from indifference to betrayal. Like what I had said was like a knife to the fucking back. Well, you should have saw it coming when you brought some dickless freak into my house.

When you walked away…was when I finally realize what I had said. My eyes went wide…distressed…and like a dog I crawled after you…

“Gerard, no…I’m sorry I didn’t mean it.” I was crying, heaving; falling like I lost all ability to walk. You just ignored me. Could I blame you?

I leaned against the door of my room and watched you exit our apartment with your little girlfriend up your ass. Bob didn’t say anything…and just mindlessly began to gather up the mess from dinner. I think he heard me from the pitiful glance he threw in my direction. I didn’t realize I had shouted those words. Then I took note of the rawness of my throat….just how much did I mean those words?

Had I lost all faith in you that I would use hate with all its meaning? If I lost faith in Gerard Way, I would loose faith in life…love…everything. I hadn’t notice how much weight I put on you; maybe you couldn’t handle the force of my affection without the words to make it up. I began to see how foolish I had been; how mean and spiteful I had acted. Like a child who had a toy- I never played with it, but once someone took it away…I suddenly wanted it back. But you were more than a toy. Oh you were more than human…

I crawled to the bathroom…I wonder if suicide would be enough to prove my love for you. I sat on the porcelain tile, the razor clutched in my hand. I laughed at how I could almost feel the sharp blades rip into my skin, unleashing a river of blood that would drown me in my own regrets. That’s how love felt right? Love felt like blades ripping through skin. So painful and lovely at the same time. It was almost indescribable if I wasn’t feeling it…

I looked down and saw the blood ooze out of cuts from my wrist. There was blood on the razor, dripping onto the white floors and staining them with my life; dark and worthless. I laughed because I didn’t even remember cutting.

It hurt like a bitch.

It hurt too much.

I realized I was dieing and I didn’t want that…

I grabbed a towel and tried to stop the bleeding. But the metallic red blood just dyed the white towel a nasty stain.

Panic raged through my body. My heart racing a mile a minute as my legs felt weak from the blood lost. I gathered up what strength I had and picked myself up from the bloody floor. With the towel still doing nothing, but sucking up blood, I stumbled out of my bathroom…

I was so dizzy, the room spinning around me…I could barely walk through the apartment without knocking over our pictures. Crashing glass on the floor. I heard that.

I couldn’t hear Bob though. I couldn’t even see him. Everything was blending into one; colors of all different shades, blinding my senses.

Frank!

I heard that though….I heard your frantic voice call for me through the confusion. I turned around to see you, only you, with fear in your eyes. You had come back. For me? I begged for me. Only me, Gerard, only me that’s who you’ve always needed.

I took a step forward, missing solid ground. I began to fall, but you caught me before I could tumble into the darkness of hell. Now the tables were turned weren’t they? Now you were cradling me in your strong arms as I laid twitching and crying…

“I love you…”

I kept myself awake long enough to look for your response in your eyes…

But the answer was clouded by the tears that had welled up in your beautiful hazel eyes. I’m sorry I made you cry again. I’m sorry I hurt you. I should have been smarter. But I am Frankie…I’m Frankie, the irresponsible one, the one who stays out all night in the rain despite the fact I prone to getting sick.

Before I lost consciousness…I heard you….

If you go…I go.

Somehow…that meant more than a four letter word…