Anonymous

Glaring light pierced my eyes, awakening me from a deep, dreamless, sleep. My eyes fluttered opened and I was met with white. White ceiling, white walls, white carpet…white and ugly green bedding. I realized I was either in the hospital again or in one of your five-star hotel rooms you just had to have. I was praying for the hospital.

Your hand came in contact with my face, gently caressing the festering wound from the punch you gave me some time ago. I flinched at your touch- everything that happened the night before came rushing back to me- and you sighed heavily. I swallowed my fear and brought myself to look at you. You sat on the bed, next to me, looking down at the white carpet as if trying to figure out where in this world you went wrong. Your hair was spiky, not loose and greasy like it had been for the last several weeks. I liked it when it was spiky; it was kind of like you- spiky but soft, if that made sense.

“If you want me to leave,” you murmured, “I’ll understand.”

I should…want you to leave. But I had you right where I wanted you. “No, I don’t want you to leave.”

I tugged your black shirt, silently asking you to lie next to me. You looked at me confused. Your green eyes tearing up at the mere thought that I did, in fact, want you near me even after all you did. You swallowed whatever pain you were feeling, and laid next to me, your arm finding its way around my waist. We looked at each other for a long time, talking silently about ups and downs in the last five months. Well, more downs than ups, lets admit it. Suicide, betrayal, violence…ra-

I closed my eyes and buried my face into the crook of your neck.

“That wasn’t you last night right?” I asked.

“No, that wasn’t me, Frank, you know me.”

“Sometimes…” I sighed, “I wonder if I do.”

You pulled away slightly to look at my eyes- but I dodged your gaze. I didn’t want you to see that I was, like our fans, loosing hope in you. We had all tried so hard to protect you; yes we did. We kept you away from the bad reviews, from the fans annoyed glares, from our own frustration. Because all we thought about, was you falling back into that dark place. We couldn’t let that happen. I couldn’t.

“Is that all you care about,” you said suddenly, moving a strand of my long hair from my eyes, “protecting me?”

“Yeah,” I sighed, “that’s all we-“

“I wasn’t talking about you guys, just you Frankie.”

I moved myself away from you, sitting up on the bed and staring into the black TV that was positioned across from the bed. I sighed at the reflection- you lying on the bed, your hand on my lap, silent begging coming from your eyes. What did you want now? I already forgave you for everything. What did you need from me?

I gave up everything for you…

“Frank,” you sat up next to me. “I want you to stop.”

I snapped my head to look at you; “Stop what?”

“Stop trying to protect me.”

I rolled my eyes, “Oh fuck off, Gerard, I have to protect you- no one else will. Not even Mikey wants to anymore.”

“Will you listen to me, god dammit,” you mimicked my eye roll, “Stop trying to protect me, and let me protect you!”

I laughed in your face, falling back onto the bed, “Oh cause you, Gerard Arthur Way, have done a fine job of that in to last five months.”

“Cause you never-“

“Oh shut the fuck up already.”

You came back, lying next to me, your elbow propping you up. Your lips hovered over mind; your breath sending tingles down my body. I wanted to kiss you, but I was scared. Yes, I was still scared of you Gerard, and you saw that fear dancing in my eyes. You took your free hand and ran your fingers through my hair.

“You were a mess,” you began, “bleeding and sweaty. Reminded me of what happened in January when you tried killing yourself. And like last time, it was my fault. You had passed out by the time the guys had gotten back from eating. I hid you in your bunk so that…they wouldn’t see. They would have known it was me. Ray and Bob would have killed me on the spot, we both know them.

“When they were asleep, I snuck into your bunk…you were crying in your sleep. Kept saying ‘why, Gerard, why did you have to go do something like that.’ That’s a line from a The Used song. I forget which one, but it reminded me of Bert. Bert…he protected me, or he tried to, and I did the same thing to him that I did to you. I hurt him. I betrayed him…

“So I called him…and after about an hour of bitching me out for being a horrible, horrible person…he stopped. I think he was waiting for me to say something back, but I just started crying. I told him what I did to you and he just went silent…for like a second. He called me a dumb fuck and that I didn’t deserve you anyway. Quinn heard and got on the phone- that ass had the biggest crush on you. He told me he was going to come kill me for hurting you- he threatened to call Bob right then and there and tell him. I was so scared. I was being attacked by two of my former friends…but I needed that. I needed to hear the truth. I was a monster, an asshole, a fuck up. I am. You can’t change that, Frank, but I can. I just needed to realize it before I could.

“I asked Bert for one last favor, to tell me what I should do. He told me to get fucked…and once Quinn hung up…he told me to get help.”

I hadn’t realized I closed my eyes until…I felt your lips caress my eyelid. I couldn’t help it, between your soothing voice and gentle touch, I became so relaxed…so free. I opened my eyes to see a playful smile danced along your face. I couldn’t help but smile at you; you were always most beautiful when you were happy. Happy. I think I was making you smile.

“What did you do?” I whispered, your lips coming against mine quickly.

“I woke Bob up, crying…I told him what I did,” you closed your eyes to find the courage to continue, “He was more worried about you…which was what I wanted. After checking you, he booked a hotel room for you and I- he said it was my mess to clean up, that he was just looking out for you. Once the bus stopped, he held Brian off long enough for me to get you into the hotel room. I cleaned you up, dressed you in fresh clothes, and put you to bed.

“Bob came around to check on you. Then he punched me in the arm and told me that if I ever hurt you again, he was going to personally see to it that no one ever hears from me again.”

I couldn’t help my laugh- Bob…threatening you! Ha. I knew you had to watch out for the quiet ones. He would to, he would totally see to it that you were dead and buried- no one would find you. It was a sick thought, but funny nonetheless. From the amused look in your changing eyes, I could tell you felt the same. You wanted to laugh. Laugh with me. But you couldn’t from whatever was keeping you distressed. Her. I could only imagine she was the source of all the pain that still raged war in your body; weakening you.

I stopped laughing, “Gerard…What about Eliza?”

Your features grew dark, “What about her?”

“Well, you were on the phone with her when you threw your cell at my head,” I rubbed the bump on the back of my head.

“She hasn’t called…” your voice trailed off.

“Oh,” I caressed your face; you moved into my touch, relaxing.

“Let’s not talk about her, okay? I don’t want her to ruin this moment…”

“Moment?”

You smiled, a real smile, and closed the gap between us. Our lips came together; you teeth pulling my bottom lip so I would open my mouth. I did, but like last time, I made sure my tongue was dominate- like hell I was going to let you get the best of me twice. We danced like this for…forever. That’s what it felt like. Tongues, teeth, hot breath- we were breathing heavily from the sudden passion and need that rose within us. The lust that had been surging through us the past two days, completely left…and we were left with one…beautiful emotion…

You pulled away, and stared into my eyes, “Frank, I should have told you this six years ago. I love you.”

“I love you to, Gerard. I always did.”

Our lips crashed together, our hands roamed over each others body. Our black clothing flew off our bodies, staining the pure whiteness with imperfection. Imperfection. We were both two imperfect beings, weren’t we, but we were perfect for each other.