Anonymous

You were tense for a while, causing me to become tense and unsure. Unsure of us now, and I didn’t like that. I hated the empty kisses, the foul attempts at love making, the strangled glances that basically meant nothing. We…we were supposed to be at that stage of bliss; where not even a hurricane could damage the love we had for one another. But…just a spring wind managed to knock us out; what did that say about us? Everything was supposed to be better, Gerard, after we finally told each other those three little words we needed to hear. You broke up with Eliza, I stopped pretending to hate you, we were happy. Happy. Why didn’t it feel that way? What was keeping you away from me- or who? Who was it? Was it her? You promised never to talk to her again…never again you said as we walked out of that room- “never again Frankie, it’s only you.” Only me. And it felt like I was just a dime a dozen to you ….

See when I am sad, I run in circles. When I am sad I can’t focus. When I am sad I repeat the same words over and over again to try to find something familiar. To try to find something that makes sense in this mess called our relationship. Frerard right? That’s what it was called by our fans. Frerard. Sounds like a mental disorder, and maybe this all was. Maybe we had gone crazy- not insane- crazy. Crazy to think this could work out.

But I tried to push the negative thoughts back and focus on the good; on you. Or I tried to, but focusing on your just dragged me deeper in some kind of sick depression I couldn’t kick. Every time I thought of you, I wanted to help you. Every time I tried helping you, you pushed me away. Every time you pushed me away, I hide. I bit, I cried. Some times I would think about cutting; cause that’s so fucking mature Frankie! Cut yourself! Whine and bitch because that’s going to make everything fucking better, right!

So I stopped…focusing on you and just focused on nothing.

One of those nothings was the My Chemical Romance forum I had posted the anonymous letter. I don’t know why. I didn’t see the point. Just watching fans argue over one little girl- Yoko, that’s what they called her. Yoko broke up the Beatles, but they were already weakened. I wanted to think that despite the trials we were going through, we were still strong. We were still My Chemical Romance, and we could do anything, right? My Chemical Romance…or were we the Black Parade…

What did that mean though? Huh? The Black Parade has no respect for anyone. Those were your words. The Black Parade is non violent. The Black Parade is also more death obsessed than My Chemical Romance. Or maybe, secretly, they are just more suicidal? Self-destructive. That’s what was wrong. We weren’t My Chemical Romance. We weren’t the band in 2005. We are The Black Parade…and we will be for a little while longer. If we could survive that long.

But I couldn’t post that in that fan-forum. Not because no one would believe me, because I am sure they would see my point. But because you were angry with me- because you still hated that I went behind your back and posted the truth about you. You said…I betrayed you even though…even though she betrayed you every chance she got. But no, you didn’t say anything. You didn’t care. I fucked up once and I got punched in the god damn face.

No, don’t think about it. Stop focusing on Gerard, Frankie. Focus…focus on….

Gerard left his phone on the table.

You did. There, glaring at me; was your sidekick. You weren’t around…interview with Bob. You always did your interviews with Bob…never with me. Even now you stopped. You stopped…I was your fucking sidekick….

I grabbed the phone and stared at it; I had to make sure I was the only one in your life. I had to make sure you weren’t lying. You promised to stop right. You promised…ME. Me, the love of your life. Or that’s what you said. Did your words hold any weight? Anymore…

I remembered that call…Mikey’s so called call. I remember how stiff you became when I asked about it. Like…you were- no, you can’t lie. Not to me.

No, now I am fucking lying to myself. Nice.

I decided to betray your trust once again and search through your recent received calls- it was only a couple of days since that call, it would still be there right? And maybe it would say Mikey and I could laugh about it; and when you got back in I would kiss you and drag you to my bunk for some hot make up sex. And every thing would be alright. That’s how this was all supposed to end. Happy. Happy endings are the only good endings- as cliché as that sounds. I have suffered through too many unhappy endings. I deserve this one…bit of happiness.

But I was being punished for something I must have done…

Because…Eliza didn’t just call that day- she called every single day.

In a panic I checked the outgoing calls. The outgoing calls, calls you make. And with tears falling onto the screen….I saw her name. Down the list. All from this week, the week before, the week before. All to her. To her. The girl you dumped. You said…

You said you dumped her and you lied…

You’re a mother fucking liar.

The IM signal dragged me away and I looked at your sidekick. She was iming you now.

“Hey baby! How’s Europe. It’s rad right? I am getting everything ready for when you move to California. Got to go with the Miss E. ttyl hubby! muah xoxo ec!”

And the lies fuckin continued! What happened to New Jersey? What happened to our plans- “Let’s stay in New Jersey, Frankie, at least until our long break. We can be where we first met- near the first place we kissed. It will be totally rad. Right?”

You wanted to move there because you knew how much I loved it there. You know New Jersey was my home as much as the other guys learned to hate it. And you wanted that…you wanted to live there with me during our three week break in September. Near the comic book store where we first kissed, near the first venue we ever played at, near…near where we began. We had to go back to our roots- that’s the only way to save My Chemical Romance from The Black Parade…

But no…you wanted to go to California…with her. To the land of fakeness and body doubles. You were going to leave…and just not tell me? Were you going to wait until the break to say “Sorry moving to Cali, ttyl, xoxo G.” You were just gonna abandon me…

“Frank?” That lying voice reached my ears and dried up my tears- because I wasted too many nights crying for you. I looked up with venom in my eyes; glaring daggers into your confused hazel orbs. You stood frozen…you knew I was mad. You could tell from the growl in my throat.

“You,” I began in a low, menacing voice that even caused Ray to run out of the bus, “Lying son of a bitch!”

You took a cautious step closer to me, “Lying? Frankie, what did I lie about?”

I couldn’t…even listen to you- your voice was so irritating to my ears. It wrapped around my brain and strangled the life out of my sanity. It was disgusting like your eyes, and your face, and your weird ass nose. You were disappearing before my very eyes and replaced with this monster that I didn’t recognize. This vile creature that seethed and spoke nothing but false words. That’s what you are, a liar. Bert was right. They were all right about you- I was the only stupid one! STUPID FRANKIE.

I threw your diseased phone right at your nuts, causing you to immediately go down, and ran out of the bus. I pushed past Bob, Ray, Brian…and I accidentally mowed down Matt. I just ran as far as my legs could carry me- out of the safety of the parking lot, into the dirty street of France. I ran past fans, who looked at me confused- wondering if that was Frankie Iero from My Chemical Romance running with tears down his face. No…no it was Frank from the Black Parade. The suicidal maniac.

It was cold- I don’t know why it was cold, but it was- and violently windy. The whipped around me, pushing me back as I ran- but I kept going, kept running. I wanted away from the bright lights of fantasy. Away from our life on tour. Just away. Away from you! I hated you with every fiber of my being because I loved you ten times more.

I finally slowed down….I finally stopped running. I thought…I thought long and hard about my next move. I pulled out my phone- my cheap ass phone that I loved because it wasn’t fake like your sidekick. I looked for a number I hadn’t called in ages and clicked the call button. I knew it was probably wrong…but who cared about wrong or right? Huh? You were the one cheating. You were the cheater they all knew you were. You were the liar. You were the monster. I had to do something for me now…

I heard his voice echo through my head; not your voice….the voice of a raspy drunk who could barely hold a conversation with me in the past. He wasn’t so drunk when he answered, but he was on his way. His hello was slurred and bored…but he sounded interested in whoever managed to get his covenant number.

“I know you stalk me when you guys are on break,” I whispered heavily into the phone. I could almost see him smirk.

“Frank,” his voice was smooth suddenly, oddly comforting, “how did you know I was stalking you?”

“I’m not a moron…just…” I looked across the street, “I want you to meet me.”

“Time and place, babe.”

I closed my eyes and looked for your face. A sign to tell me to pull away. Run back to the bus where it was safe.

Nothing.

“The park by Belle Reve Hotel. And I want you to come now.”

“Anything for you Frankie Iero.”

I missed those words…I missed when you were the one saying them.