Anonymous

You were staring out the window, your arms holding your weight against the counter, and your eyes were lost again. You had been relatively happy after Eliza’s calls began to dwindle; you even stopped calling her yourself. However, despite the smile that seemed to form on your face daily, your eyes still showed the sadness that had been plaguing you for months- maybe even years. I pouted at the sight of you- as it was clear I hated when you looked so tormented- and got up from me seat on the floor. I strolled over to you quietly; careful not to disturb your trance until I had my arms safely around your waist. You liked when I held you from behind…I don’t know why…I think it was your security blanket now.

I buried my face in your black shirt, taking in the scent of your sweat and the tacky cologne that I kept spraying on you. Your left hand immediately grasped my own; squeezing to assure me of your contentment. I had to smile against your back when I took note of the lack of mental that caressed my skin- the ring that had symbolized your blind love for Eliza was noticeably missing from your finger. I didn’t ask you about the ring; I figured it was a private to you, something you just weren’t prepared to tell me as of yet.

Maybe you were just embarrassed? I don’t even know if that makes sense. But I know, when I officially let go of Jamia, I refused to say anything or tell you what I did with the ring she had given me. I gave mine back…I don’t know, I guess that was stupid of me…but she had given up her life, all I had to give up was a gold ring. Or maybe it was too painful for you to think about it. I saw what you did to the ring- I knew you were angry and tormented. Only someone who was furious would do what you did. I don’t blame you either; she tried stealing everything from right under your nose. Were you even angry about that? Maybe it was ‘cause she manipulated you, played with your emotions, and dragged you into the darkness- holding the flashlight so you weren’t in control. Like I said, it was like she was alcohol…and you the alcoholic.

I smiled a little wider when I replayed June 20th in my head- even if it was only five days ago…it felt like an eternity. I guess that’s what touring does to you. It was the early morning, about one or two, and we both passed out on the expensive white bed sheets in the three-star hotel we compromised on. You waited until you thought my breathing had become soft; hoping that I had finally drifted off to sleep. But when you moved out of my embrace, I stirred to see if you were okay. I watched you, half naked, walk to the balcony. I didn’t say a word…I just wanted to watch you…I don’t think you know but, you have one of the most amazing bodies I have seen on a man. You may call yourself pudgy, or fat, but you aren’t even close. You have a strangely average body; not fat…not skinny. But, average just sounds like such a boring word; let’s just say your body is perfect. You had few defined muscles that poked from under your dry skin thanks to your strange, Spice Girl’s inspired, dance moves you perform on stage.

You stared into the thick blackness for a long time, fiddling around with your finger like it was a nervous habit. I watched you keenly, suddenly drawn in by the way the blue light cascaded over your body. You looked so heavenly; a drawing, perfectly structured. I wanted to disturb your moment, mess up the painting just so I could be apart of you…but I choose to let you settle whatever battle was raging in your head.

I watched you with bright eyes as you took off that horrible ring that represented your union with that hairdresser. You pulled your right arm back, allowing the little muscles rip along your back, and with a grunt threw the ring into the dark abyss. You didn’t stand there long after your action- I think for the first time you felt you made the right decision- and you soon made way back to our bed; me pretending to me asleep.

You positioned yourself so my head was buried in you chest, and your arms were around my thin waist. Your chapped lips brushed against my forehead: “I can do this if he is with me.”

I giggled at the memory cause you to turn around and eye me strangely. I couldn’t help but keep giggling at the beautiful look in your hazel orbs; only looking at me, only I existed in your mind. Even though you never officially dumped her, though, I didn’t care…you were giving her the biggest fuck you’s in history. I could deal with her thinking you were hers as long as the fans thought otherwise.

“What’s so funny?” You asked, cocking your head to the side like a child. “Am I funny?”

“No,” I kissed your lips gently, “You’re just cute.”

Your eyes grew sad suddenly, as your hand crept up to caress my cheek. “I’m sorry,” you whispered, “I think I have been acting selfish again…I should just swallow my fear and just call her right?”

I moved into your touch and sighed, “I’m not going to force you to do something you are uncomfortable with.”

“But it isn’t fair…not to you…and not even to her.”

I really had no idea what to say to you then; you were feeling guilty…that had to be the worse feeling in the world for you. You tried so hard to make me happy and to make Eliza ignorant to the situation. Even though, you were cheating on her and that was something you really wanted to avoid. I don’t know if it was because you respected her enough not to cheat, or you were afraid she’d find out and start another smear campaign on your image. Though I doubt any fan would be upset if you cheated on her with me; they like me better. But I couldn’t say that out loud- no- that wouldn’t wipe away the guilt stricken gaze that lingered in your eyes. And I was too stupid to figure out what would.

“Maybe…” you whispered, “I’ll send her here…and break up with her in person rather that wait.”

“Fuck no!” I shrieked, backing away, “I don’t want that dirty bitch anywhere near you!”

You didn’t even argue…you were too weak to fight with me. “Okay Frank,” your voice tingled with hurt, “I’ll call her then.”

I remember the day your girlfriend dumped you over the phone. It was the first time we had all gotten together- when you finally introduced me to every member of My Chemical Romance. We were all drinking, smoking, and watching B-rated horror movies in your basement/fake apartment. Mikey was drunk off his ass trying to do a strip tease for Ray, who was just trying to focus on the TV, while Matt was passed out on the floor- I swear I thought that asshole was dead from the smell emitting from his pores. You and I were sitting on your bed, half drunk and half high, trying to make sense of the music I had laid out. Only two tracks I got to play on…but I didn’t care; the fact my guitar was being recorded was enough for me. You…well you were feeling guilty for not letting me play more…

Even so, you looked so cute with a smile on your face. Smiling at me. You always had that big, bright smile, when you looked at me…never at your girlfriend. I guess that’s why she finally got fed up with you. You could never love her like you did me; as conceited as that sounds.

Your phone rang- her- and you picked it up thinking nothing of it. I can still remember hearing her static voice: “Gerard, I’m done with you.” Just like that. So cold and quick, like she really just wanted to move on. You didn’t have time to say anything- she hung up soon after. You just dropped the phone on the bed…lost. Your eyes weren’t focused on anything, though it seemed you were looking at the sheet music; you were spaced out. Gone. She ripped your heart out- not because you loved her, but because she didn’t have the guts to say it to your face. You were tormented by it for a while…

And now I was making you do the same thing to someone else- and I was too selfish to care.

However you never got the chance, because once you picked up your phone from the counter…it began to vibrate. We both looked at each other- a sense of sudden awkwardness washed over us…we both knew who was calling. You picked up the phone…

“Where the fuck is your ring!” She shouted so clearly, I could even hear the venom dripping from every word. You began to shake a little, backing up against the wall as if she punched you in the face. I guess you weren’t expecting her to find out so soon.

“My…ring?” You responded stupidly.

“Yes, your engagement ring jackass! The one I gave you!”

You looked at me- looking for an answer? I didn’t have one. Part of me enjoyed this; because now you had no excuse. If you lied to her and say you lost it, you would lose me. If you told her the truth, you would be as bad as your ex-girlfriend. You were in a lose-lose situation and I was enjoying it. I didn’t know how to stop. I wanted to stop enjoying it.

“Eliza, can you just calm do-“

“Fuck you Way! Where the hell is it? You’re stupid fans are trying to say you called the engagement off-“

“Don’t call my fans stupid…” you whispered, “They are smarter than you think.”

There was a long pause coming from her side- I guessed you burned her mouth off with that pwn. I was even slightly shocked that you even had the guts to say it- admitting to dumping her before you actually did. It was some kind of poetic justice in my eyes; all that trouble she went through to rub it in their faces she knew more about you than they…and yet they could easily tell you dumped you before she even realized there was no ring on your finger.

“Are you breaking up with me?” She sounded shocked…

“Yes…I am breaking up with you….”

There was another lengthy pause- I think she deluded herself into thinking she could keep you forever? Did she really think you would remain so stupid? Of course she did- she “always” gets what she wants right? Her own words.

“Did that faggot Frankie put you up to this?!”

“Who you calling a faggot,” I shouted, but you quickly hushed me with your hand against my mouth.

“He did didn’t he!” She shrieked.

“No, I am doing this for myself. Not for him, not for my fans, for me. I don’t love you…”

“Fuck you Gerard! I never wanted your cock anyway. Go have fun being alone forever, cause no one wants it either.”

“That’s mature,” you rolled your eyes…then a dangerous smirk danced across your face, “Your blowjobs, like your haircuts, suck. I thought it was illegal to false advertise.”

You hung up and tossed the phone back on the counter. I think you even surprised yourself with that last zing…never had I heard you speak to girl- or anyone really- like that. I didn’t mind it though- I was sickly turned on by the whole experience. However, despite the little smile on your face, I could still see the sadness in your eyes. It was confusing.

“What’s wrong now?” I questioned, wrapping my arms around your waist.

“Nothing,” you sighed, “just feel a little bad, you know. Shit like this always sucks…”

“But are you…regretting it?”

“No, it had to be done, right?”

Exactly. It had to be done. I had to have you all to myself- I couldn’t wait. I wanted the world to know that she was out of your life, even if the world couldn’t know I was in it just yet. I was selfish, but didn’t I have the right to? Waiting so long, dealing with all the shit. I deserved this moment, even if it caused you sadness…

And even though it did cause you sadness, you still looked at me with all the love in the world. It was as if nothing you and I could do to each other would change the look in our eyes.

That was pretty much a blessing and curse.