Anonymous

I looked at my life. Analyzed it. Scanned it. Cried over it. I tried to figure out how I got into this train wreck…how I fucking ended up a broken mess in my bunk, crying because of the pain that was seething throughout my body. Was it you? Were you the one to get me to this point…pills clutched in my hands- oh this time there will be no regrets, no stumbling out into the open, no romantic words that fly out of your mouth like gunshots to an enemy. It seemed that you were always tied into my pain. From the suddenly bouts of insanity, to the blood that stained our tour bus…even before….to the blood that stained that concrete floor, and the imprint of a gun nozzle to my head. My tears reflected you with every drop. But how did this all begin? How could I have stopped this…this lost of identity, this transformation to “Anonymous.”

Was it the drive?

Rewind to roughly five years ago; when the snow had just fallen- somewhere after the punch and the kiss. We were driving down icy road, with Iron Maiden blasting. You were drunk and in no condition to drive and I was too high to give a fuck. We were young and thought were invincible; and we’ve read too many comic books to convince ourselves of that lie. We were young heroes, right! No sooner did our band played their first string did the kids say we saved their lives! We were heroes, so nothing could hurt us! Right? Was that how we managed to get into the car despite our sanity screaming to throw the keys in the pond?

“I am thinking of dreads,” I laughed, “that would be funny.”

You started a drunken fit of laughter. “Ew….”

We paused our laughter to look at each other- I couldn’t even see your face…you were just a blur…an outline. I was too high to see you- so how were you focusing on the road? After a moment of awkward staring we started laughing like two High School girls talking to their crush. Looking back on it, we were the two biggest idiots to ever be allowed to breathe. Back then, though, we thought that…was the only way we could have fun. To be totally lost and not in control of our own bodies. We were running away from our true selves…who we were. Normal, fucked up, New Jersey boys. And no one wants to be that.

Maybe it was the wakeup call we never heard- and maybe now looking at it, it was the start of this car crash.

I don’t remember seeing the truck…I don’t remember hearing the tires screech. I don’t remember falling off the road. When did we hit that tree? How did I fly out of my seat, through the windshield, and end up on the hood of the car, bleeding to death? If I am high enough I can. I can remember the pain when my head opened up- I didn’t scream though, it was all too fast to scream, shout, talk, say “I love you.” One last time.

My eyes sprung open…all I could see was snow and brown, dead bark. There I was drenched in my own blood…and the fact I was even breathing was a surprise. My body was in too much pain to shout for help; though I doubt anyone could have heard me. We were in the depths of New Jersey, were even the street lights don’t tread. The only sounds were the skipping CD…and the groans that occasionally escaped my mouth unwillingly. Without thinking much about it, I attempted to flip onto my back, thinking rather stupidly that would help stop the bleeding- too high to think. My whole body ached…each movement proved more painful than the last, and I thanked God that a drug like weed was in my system to numb some of the pain…

When I fell onto my back, blood erupted from my mouth. It tasted…so disgusting. So stale; blood that had stopped flowing. I was convinced I was going to die on the hood of your car. I stared into the black abyss that was the sky- wondering, painfully, who shut off the stars. The stars were like the eyes that looked down to protect us, and there they were…closed to the display before them. I wanted to pray...but I forgot how to…

The creek from your door caught my attention. I turned my head slowly to watch you stumble out of the car; your black hair dyed red from the blood that oozed out of a head wound. The crash knocked the alcohol out of you, because you looked so sober it was scary. You looked at the car in shocked…your mouth ajar and your eyes frozen in time…I swear you were going to piss your pants, you were so scared.

A strangled groan captured your attention, and your eyes frantically looked at my dying form.

“Fuck!” You shouted- your voice echoing throughout the quiet air. You jumped on to the hood of the car and crawled towards me; tears springing from your eyes as you scooped up my body in your arms. “Frankie! Frankie! Talk to me!”

“Ya,” was all I managed to utter before more blood sprung from my mouth.

“Shit! Frankie, don’t do this! Just hang on for me please!”

My eyes became so heavy and unwilling to remain open. You were getting further away from me…or was I getting further from you? Breathing became strained…too painful to continue. I could feel my body grow cold…my soul leaving me felt like those tingles of pleasure I felt when your lips first came into contact with mine. My eyes closed….

And your blood curdling scream cut through the ignorant night air…

I don’t remember when the ambulance got there, how and why. I don’t know how the doctors managed to make my heart beat again- if it was a miracle from God, or a miracle of modern science. Because none of that really matters; because even thought heart started beating again, and my lungs started breathing…

I was never truly alive again, was I? I was just reliving the car crash over and over again.