Anonymous

The deep darkness of night washed over the airport, bringing with it a cold dead silence that cracked my already shattered sanity. I sat in the uncomfortable chair, my eyes dead to the world, listening to Bob’s soft, even, breaths. For a brief second, my eyes drifted of my future co-passengers curled up in their seats, their bloodshot eyes mimicking mine in a slow dance. Those who were not participating in the sorry waltz were attempting to sleep before embarking on their long trip. You were doing neither.

You made sure I was comfortable in my seat before pecking my chapped lips and running off to take care of some “things”. I had watched you run off, becoming a shadow- a blur in reality…a memory. I tried to be better, Gerard, honestly. I tried to make this doomed relationship function. I tried and failed. My sanity was shot, my body destroyed, emotions non-existent. What made it so much worse was the hope that still dance in your eyes; as if after everything, we could still make this work. And you tried- fuck, how you tried. With every touch, kiss, thrust, you poured essence- your emotions- but all turned cold once their reached me. Did you notice it? Did you care…I was a corpse in your bed….

Sorry, I had to steal your words. They haunt me.

I wondered what would happen in New Jersey….would it be over there? Would I dump you after I fought so hard? Would you forgive me if I did?

“Baby,” your voice, so calm and loving, reached my ears; dragging my eyes to lay themselves on your amused form. “Can we talk?”

You took my hand and lead me to the grand window that overlooked the planes. I stared at our plane, half hoping it would crash and only I would perish. Just one of my many suicidal thoughts. I paid the thought no mind and buried it along with the others.

You cupped my chin and brought my eyes to you. You were concerned, taking some time to caress my face- no response. Your eyes died finally- the glimmer of hope had finally ran out. But you took a breath, put on a smile; without words tried bringing me out of my depression.

“Remember how I said I always wanted to move to Portland?”

“Uhuh,” I shrugged; your smile twitched.

“Well, I exchanged my tickets to Jersey for tickets to Portland…”

Did you say anything else? I don’t know…I blocked you out. The anger rose in me, suddenly, setting fire to the discarded fragments of my sanity.

“What!” I shouted, causing the zombies around us to focus on me. You merely sighed as if expecting my rage. You attempted to place your hands on my shoulder- to comfort me? But I pushed you away…wanting to punched you; hurt you…like you were hurting me in the moment. What gave you the right to abandon the relationship, huh? After all you have done, I was the only who was supposed to end it. You couldn’t even give me that fucking right? You had to take it so selfishly!

“Frankie, calm down,” you said slowly.

“Calm what!” I screamed, “you fucking asshole! You are just going to leave me just like that!”

“No! Will you fucking listen.”

You took a stop towards me- I took two back. “Why should I listen to any more of your fucking lies?”

You clenched your fist; your eyes watering as if honest tears were going to fall from your green eyes. “Frank…did you think you were so easy to deal with?”

“Me! You are gonna put this on me, after all the shit you did to me!”

“I know!” Your voice cracked, “I know what I did to you was wrong! But I am trying to make it up to you! But every time I fucking try-“

“Try!” I laughed, “fucking me every night, saying ‘Oh fuck Frankie, you are so great,’ isn’t trying!”

I laughed louder at the confused expression on your face. I almost dropped to my knees in glee when I saw the tears fall from your eyes. Was this what I always wanted? To be on this side of the relationship; to be the one inflicting pain? Yes, that’s what I wanted, huh? I painted a horrible picture of you- no one else even had to do it for me. I was just waiting to crack you, destroy you, make you as pitiful and pathetic as me. I wanted you to beg for me; plead like I had. I had you, I had you right where I fucking wanted you…

“Is that how you really feel, baby?”

I scoffed at the nick name, “Yeah.”

But you weren’t like me, huh? You were ten times stronger than me. You turned around and walked away. That simple. Without another glance, word, or curse. I sat there waiting for you to come back and beg for my forgiveness. I was enjoying the site of you crawling on your hands and knees and crying…begging me not to leave you…because you needed me as much as I needed you, right?

I waited…but you never came. So I started to wait for you to come and punch me in the face. To shove me, bite me, rape me…again. I waited for you to be violent- and in some sick way I would enjoy that. I just wanted you to beat me. Punish me. I would take a punch to the face, in stead of a kiss on the lips, if it meant you were touching me.

Eventually, I just waited for you to come back. I just wanted to see you. See your growing black hair, your hazel eyes, your body. I just wanted to see a part of you to remind myself I wasn’t dead. When you were around, I could feel alive. I could, I really could, I swear. I just never allowed myself to. I could be happy with you, Gerard, just so happy. We could have been so beautiful together. But we were like two trains passing in opposite directions- always missing each other. We needed the trains to crash; because in its destruction, our bodies and souls could come together…charred and broken. Because that’s when we were at our best; at the brink of death. When all hope was lost…there was hope in us.

But that was all gone now…because you never came back. I never chased you.

Two strong hands placed themselves on my shoulders, gently shaking me out of me nightmare. I looked up and saw Bob’s blue orbs staring at me apologetically. I looked around and saw the zombies slowly move to board the plane- in the crowd, Ray, Brian, and Matt looked at me with concern plastered on their faces.

“Where’s Gerard?” I asked dumbly.

Bob tried to speak, but no words would ever make the answer to that question bearable. He looked over at our gang; Matt took the signal and walked over to us. At this point I realized there were tears streaming down my face…I tried wiping them away, but they just kept coming. In buckets. Tears from months ago that had never been shed. Tears from pain that had become a blurry memory. Everything I had bottled up resurfaced.

Matt knelt down neck to Bob, “Hey buddy…”

“Where’s Gerard?”

Matt touched my hair, “Gerard…isn’t coming back.”

I shook my head like a child, “Impossible…he has to come back.”

“Frank…” He grabbed my hand and placed a small ring with the words ‘demolition lovers’ engraved in the gold. “He left this for you, though. I don’t know what it means. I don’t know if he wants you to wait, or he wants you to give up, but he said you should have it. It was always meant for you…”

Was this the final piece? You had always kept this ring because of the hope you could give it to me yourself. Your hope was gone…this relationship was officially over…

I had finally died…