Best Friends.

I was lying on my bed, crying into my pillow. Snot was building up, threatening to trickle out. I felt terrible. He knew. Ryan Ross, my best friend since primary school, knew.

Pete told him. Pete fucking Wentz. I wanted to punch him, kick him, hit him, for ruining everything and hurting me the way he did. I still feel like a coward for running away like I did, though. I legged it as soon as the words which revealed my secret tumbled out of his mouth. Seventeen years old and the best I can do is run away, exactly like I would have done when I was five.

I still remember Ryan’s wide eyes and gaping mouth as clearly as if it had just happened a few moments ago. He called out a few times, he even tried to follow me but I was too fast for him. He had always been faster than me but today I flew, ran faster than I ever had before. Probably some fight/flight thing.

I made it home in under twenty minutes, a record. Usually it took around an hour of walking which Ryan always joined me on because he lives only a few blocks away from me.

“Brendon! Ryan’s here, honey. I’m sending him up.” My mother’s voice was sweet but her words cut through me like daggers. I wanted to scream for her to not send him up, just send him away. He was going to hate me. He…he was just going to come up here and tell me how he thinks I’m sick and need serious psychiatric help or something like that.

He didn’t like boys like that, it was strictly girls. The ones with breasts and vaginas.

I groaned into my pillow when I heard his footsteps coming up the stairs then along the hallway to my room. He pushed the door open softly and peered in at me. I was waiting for the onslaught to begin. Instead though, we stared at each other, him from the door and me from under my duvet.

“Brennie, say something. Hello…anything,” he said quietly, looking at me with those sad brown eyes of his. I wanted to say a million things but I remained silent.

He walked into my room, shutting the door, and sat cross-legged by my bed. He frowned. “Why won’t you talk? Why aren’t you saying anything?”

I raised an eyebrow at him. I wonder why.

“Fine then. I’m going to stay here until you decide to talk,” he grumbled. He was so cute when he pouted. I sighed and rolled onto my back. Staring at the ceiling, I listened intently to Ryan’s breathing. In, out, pause, in and out, repeat. I could feel his eyes on me so I turned my head to look at him.

“Please say something,” he whispered. “Anything.”

“Why are you here?” I spat. All of a sudden I was angry. Why must he worsen the torture I was already going through? Is he enjoying seeing me so upset like this?

“To talk to my best friend and comfort him because he’s obviously upset,” he answered calmly.

I sat up and threw off the covers. I glared at him. My anger was probably irrational but I didn’t care. “Don’t you think I’ve been teased enough? Have you forgotten everything that Pete said? Don’t you think that’s been enough?” I growled. I felt small tears start to trickle down my cheeks again.

“Brendon! I’m going to the shops. I’ll be back soon.”

“Yes, Mum!” I called back.

I looked at Ryan whose expression was blank. He was looking up at me, shaking his head slightly. He waited until he heard my mother’s care leave before he spoke.

:”Brennie, I’m not here to tease you, it hurts that you would even think that I’d do something like that. I’m still your best friend.”

“So let me get this straight. You – a completely straight guy – aren’t bothered at all by the fact that I – you’re best friend – am pretty much in love with you? Not one bit?”

Ryan shook his head.

“You’re fucking delusional,” I cried, probably sounding a bit delusional myself. Ryan frowned and stood up.

“Brendon Urie, you know what? Fuck you.”

I laughed manically, not sure all my sanity was in the same place. “How ironic. ‘Fuck you’?” I rolled my eyes.

“What the fuck is your problem? Why are you going so weird on me? Just because you like me and I’m your best friend doesn’t automatically mean that I won’t be your best friend anymore. And another thing, what gives you the right to tell me whether I’m straight or not? You don’t know that! You’ve never actually asked what my sexuality is. Back up a little, Brennie, and slow the fuck down. Maybe while you’re at it you can stop making so many bloody assumptions too.”

I watched quietly, in shock, when Ryan finished screaming at me. He was breathing deeply and he looked on the verge of tears.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. I felt so sober after his outburst, like I’d been high and then stuck in a time machine.

“Don’t fucking do it again then,” he mumbled. It was then that I realised he had actually started crying.

“Ryro, don’t cry. Please don’t cry,” I begged.

“Why are you so angry at me?” he pretty much whimpered.

“I’m not, I swear, I’m not. I was upset because I thought that you would hate me.”

“But I don’t. I wouldn’t. I could never hate you Brennie, ever. You’re everything to me.” His last sentence was so quiet that I barely even heard it.

“Ryro, come here.” I put my arms out and gestured for him to come up on my bed with me. I enveloped him in a tight embrace as soon as he was in reach. What Iwished yearned for was so close yet so very, very far away.

“You always were the more emotional one,” I chuckled weakly. His laugh was even weaker than mine and it ended up more as a hiccup. I sat silently with Ryan in my arms for a lengthy amount of time, rocking him back and forth.

Ryan turned his head to look at me and he stared straight into my eyes. I was mesmerized. Is this really happening to me? Ryan’s eyes were always described as a dull brown but in that moment they seemed so alive and full of colour. It was amazing.

I was barely even aware of Ryan’s lips moving closer to my own but when I did realise, it was too late. But it was definitely a good ‘too late’.

He kissed me strongly but briefly, as if unsure of his actions. “Was, er, alright?”

“I couldn’t give you an honest answer. I’m biased,” I answered just as quietly, grinning my head off.

“Well…” he trailed off. He looked so unsure, confused almost. But then something changed, like a switch had been flicked. He was suddenly dripping with confidence. “Maybe I should try again? See if you like it? If not, we’ll definitely need more practice.”

I found myself nodding without even registering it. He pressed his lips to mine, with the right amount of pressure yet with such a gentle touch that it was overwhelming trying to describe it. He kissed me and every few moments it would become even more heated, more passionate, more lustful.

I was so lost in everything that when I realised Ryan was straddling me and gently pushing me down it came as a bit of a shock. How did it get this far? Is he on something? There’s no way he’d be doing this without some chemical influence.

“Wait, wait, Ryan.”

He stopped attacking my body with his talented fingers, soft lips, his…everything. He looked confused. “I thought you wanted this? I thought you wanted me?”

“Ryan, I do. Fuck, you have no idea how much I want you, not just physically but emotionally too. But I’m just…a little confused. Why are you doing this?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Ryan’s expression was puppy-like confusion, yet his eyes were doe-like.

“No,” I mumbled, running my fingers along Ryan’s, now bare, side.

“Brennie, you are my everything. You have no idea how long I’ve been trying to find the perfect way to tell you how I feel. But for a long time I wasn’t even sure I knew how I felt. It’s different now though, I’ve known for a while exactly how I feel.” Ryan’s eyes were glittering, his smile so small yet so cryptic somehow.

“I want you,” he continued, “all of you. Right now. Right here. Just you…and me. I love you.”

Well what choice did I have? The person I had been in love with for as long as I could remember had admitted everything to me. And he told me he loved me. I’ve wanted to give him my everything for a long time, I’ve wanted him to have all of me for a long time too. I’ve dreamt about this for so long, I wasn’t going to turn it down.

“One thing first, I want to be in a relationship with you, Ryan. But if you don’t want to– ”

He cuts me off. “As far as I’m concerned, we have always been in a relationship together. We just didn’t realise, until now, what type.”

Now, I just had no other choice but to just give in.

Ryan and Brendon. Brendon and Ryan. Best friends.
And lovers.