That Fragile Capricorn

Ryan nervously fumbled his thumbs as he looked into his cup of coffee. He and Spencer had left Fall Out Boy's pack hotel room where the eight of them had decided to crash for the night. The night before still haunted him. He'd felt the spark, the want -no- the need. But, he ran. And, it wasn't only the fuzzed over kiss that was haunting him. No, it was something more. It was what he saw to be the truth. His dad, nearly nine years ago.

Somehow, that faithful night, he had gotten up the courage to leave his room. The bruise on his neck was still fresh. He made his way down the stairs and around the corner to sit at the table, across from his father. Who, had a can of Bud Light in his left hand, and a cigar in his right, his eyes were a deep blood-shot red. They stared at each other for a while. Ryan started to sweat.

"Well, boy?" His dad finally spoke.

"I-I have a question." Ryan stuttered out as he tried to avoid eye contact.

"And?"

"Do...dad, do y-you..lov-love me?" The stutter took over his speech.

There was a brief moment of harsh silence before his dad burst into a drunken laughter.

"Are you for real?" The man got real serious, real fast. "Boy, how anything could love either of us...." He took a drag on the cigar. "I have no clue."

"So...."Ryan was confused.

"No. When you deserve it, when you earn it, you'll get it. See that bruise on your neck? Now, get outta here!"

Ryan was almost shocked at what his father had just told him. He never saw himself as the perfect son, but he had hoped he was good enough to deserve his own father. He spent the night at Spencer's that night.

Just the memory brought tears to his eyes. According to his dad, he never deserved to be loved. The three words had never been aimed at Ryan by anyone other then fan-girls. And, what did they know? They were just crazy. As much as Ryan would like to say he noticed how every girl in the world flirted with him, he never did. But, he noticed the kiss.

"So, what did you want to talk to me about?" Spencer asked from where he sat across from Ryan.

Ryan snapped his head up in a short burst of monumental fear, lost in his daze, he had forgotten that Spencer was even there. "Well...it's...Spin, it's hard to explain."

"I'm sure you can figure out how." Spencer smiled.

"Do you know that feeling you get when you take off into flight on an airplane? That split second when pure ecstasy meets your fear of heights and then your ears pop with a quick burst of confusion and agonizing pain?" Ryan realized he was rambling and stopped, flashing Spencer a nervous smile.

"Every time I look at him..." Spencer had once before admitted to the band (Jon included) how he truly felt about Jon.

"Okay...Now, imagine getting that feeling from a kiss from him."

"That'd be the moment I lock the door. Dude, that feeling only comes from a look....but...Ryan...who the girl?" Spencer asked with a smirk on his lips.

"Bre-B-Brend-Brendo-" Ryan ended up taking his hand off of his cup of coffee, he was shaking too much.

"Brenda? Who's she?"

"Not Brenda; Bre-Br-en-d-don." Ryan tried to steady himself by holding onto the table, people were staring.

"Brendon?" Spencer's eyes lit up with excitement, Jon and himself had been trying to get the two together for years, and it had apparently worked.

"Yea."

"And?! Tell me what happened! Are you two..." Spencer clasped his hands together"...or not?"

"No."

"Oh, well, do you want to be?" Spence sounded disappointed.

"I don't know, Spence. I might and I might not. He's a beautiful and amazing boy, but...I don't know?" Ryan asked himself the question.

"Well, I think two should be. Ryan, I've never seen you in a relationship before. Brendon would be a perfect start...maybe even an end. You know, like....you in his arms...forever." Spencer winked.

"I don't deserve him." Ryan mumbled just audible enough for Spencer to hear him.

"What?!" Spin was surprised.

"I don't deserve him."

"Yes, yes you do."

"No, I don't, Spencer! I didn't deserve my father's I don't deserve his!" Ryan got up and stormed out.

What does he know?! Ryan thought as he drove on the highway back to their hotel. I never made my father happy, how could I make Brendon happy?! I don't deserve him and I never deserved my father. But, what I went through, god, that was the only thing in life I have so far deserved.

Slowly and unnoticeable to Ryan, his driving grew more erratic. He was going 75 in a 60 zone, it was a wonder he hadn't been pulled over yet. His mind was going just as fast as his car. He cut off an old lady, she honked her horn, he flipped her off.

Inconsiderate old woman, if only she knew what I'm going through. How could I even lead Brendon on like that? What am I going to tell him? That I don't deserve him and have him react just as Spencer did? No, not that.

Ryan's phone went off.

"What?" He asked without checking the caller ID.

"Ryan, where are you? Are you okay?" It was Spencer.

"You know what Spin!? Just keep your nose outta thi-"

And, it was then a crash was heard on the other line.