Sell Your Soul

I had never questioned myself so much in life during the time April was around. I questioned my actions, my thoughts, my sanity, but most of all I questioned my heart. I know it sounds completely obscure coming from me, a man, Matthew Sanders, but its true.

I questioned if I was ever capable of loving someone who wasn't Kayla. If I had been doing the right thing when I let April come back into my life more then once, when any sane person would've kicked her to the curb and forgot about her. I wondered if I'd be able to look past everything that had ever happened if -for some reason- April cleaned up her act or if it would just always nag at me.

April even made me question more than once if it was all just myself. Perhaps I was the only one who saw the monster that had taken a hold of her body, of her soul. A monster hidden beneath the mask of a beautiful woman.

But as soon as those thoughts would sink into my mind, I realized that it had never just been me who saw April for who she really was. All of my close knit friends who had ever met her saw it too, saw it first. She had been like a glass since the first night I met her. I saw right through her. We all saw right through her.

But I had always looked past it, because I wanted to be the one to find something good in her, to maybe prove everyone wrong, to prove myself wrong. I wanted to be the one who changed everything about her. But I wanted to change everything so bad that I never stopped to think that maybe it just wasn't possible, maybe she didn't want to change, or maybe she just couldn't.

All I had ever wanted was Kayla, but when I had lost her I gave up hope. I took advantage of how April was. I thought that maybe if she liked me enough, truly maybe even loved me, she'd want to change for me. And if she wanted to change for me, and get rid of all of her habits then maybe I could change her into Kayla.

The more I thought about it, the more angry I would become. I felt like a truly horrible person. I couldn't lay all of the blame on April, because we both had been in the wrong. She was a complete fucking mess, a user, and an abuser, but I was just as bad. I was trying to change someone I could barley stand into someone that I had loved and lost.

When the fact that I couldn't find anything good in her finally sunk into my head, that's when I realized that maybe I would just keep her around, maybe the more time she spent with me, she'd realize that she'd want to stop with her drug addiction. But when April caught onto that, its when everything finally blew up and when I finally lost the ounce of control I had over her and our relationship.

And that's when I finally realized I had made the worst mistake of my life by ever walking up to her that night in the bar and letting her claw her way into my life.