Flipping Coins

“Brendon Urie!” I yelled breathlessly, swinging the door closed from behind me.

Since I was panting like a dog, my yell was more like a vague whisper. Only a couple sitting in a booth by the door had heard me, and they both sent me weird looks.

Ignoring them, I repeated my request several times, “Brendon Urie? Brendon Urie, please! Do you know where Brendon Urie is? Brendon Boyd Urie? Brendon!” I asked everyone in sight for him, earning mixed expressions with each question.

One brave teenaged girl with French braids rolled her eyes with annoyance and stated, “He is sitting in the far, dark corner. I wouldn’t even try, though. He isn’t giving out autographs. Don’t waste your time.”

I peered down at her left hand clasped to her side. She was gripping a blank, crumpled napkin and a black marker. Her eyes were bloodshot, as though she had been crying.

She noticed where my eyes had fallen and sighed with hurt. “I asked him for one simple autograph. One little signature. It wouldn’t of even taken him a minute to do it. But he said, ‘No, not now. Go away.’ Then, he mumbled some name over and over again like a crazy person! I can’t believe my idol is an asshole.”

The girl sniffled and used the back of her arm to wipe the tears that began to whelm into her brown eyes.

My adrenaline rush had worn off, and my heart began to soften at the sight of the downtrodden girl before me. I could see why Brendon had been rude, but I still think that he could have handled this situation better, no matter how horrible he felt. In a twisted kind of way, it was my fault that this girl had been given the cold shoulder by the superstar she admired most of all.

So, with a smile, I said, “Wanna try again?”

The girl shook her head, sniffling once more before stiffly replying, “No. He’s just a selfish prick. He’ll just turn us away.”

Looking her right in the eye, I stated, “I guarantee he won’t. And if, for some odd reason, he does ignore us, then I will personally make sure he’ll regret his decision.”

The teenager eyed me hesitantly, almost with suspicion, before shrugging. “Oh, what the hell. Why not?”

I nodded with a grin. “You won’t regret it.” Then, she led me to Brendon’s discrete, sulking corner.

I was oblivious when the teenager abruptly stopped at a booth located in the farthest, isolated corner of the facility. The table was so secretive that, had I been just an innocent customer, I would have never noticed it. The table was dimly lit with one lousy light bulb hanging from the ceiling. The seats were molded to the corner walls, barely big enough to fit one obese child.

Slouched against the wall was what looked like a fixed statue. To my own shock, this immobile clump was actually Brendon. He wore a lengthy, leather coat that fell past his knees. He had his hands folded and clasped together, resting underneath his unshaven chin while his full lips were pursed with undeniable focus. Brendon’s auburn eyes (or what I could see of them) were glassy, lost in another place, another world, another universe, another dimension.

And he looked absolutely, breathtakingly, undoubtedly beautiful.

The girl casted me a look that read ‘this isn’t going to end well’, and I gave her an encouraging nod of my head, urging her to go on. She sighed before wounding back to the disoriented Brendon.

She cleared her throat, but Brendon showed no response. Not even a blink. She tried again, earning no reaction, so she finally said meekly, “Um…Brendon Urie?”

Brendon blinked a few times, lazily turning his head at a gradual speed. His eyes fell upon the girl while he offered no verbal response. He hadn’t bothered to acknowledge me standing behind her, but only hazily focused his lost eyes on the nervous teenager.

The girl shuffled her feet a bit before sputtering, “I---I came by earli---a few, um, minutes before. D-do you remember…me?”

Brendon didn’t even wait a second to think about it. He barely moved his lips as he responded bluntly and quite harshly, “No. Why are you here?”

The girl flushed maroon, and her voice became more unstable, “I---well, I---I j-j-just wanted to, God, um…I just wanted t-to a---“

“We wanted your autograph,” I cut in with a controlled, bold tone.

Brendon’s eyes flickered to my face for the first time, and he suddenly jumped up haphazardly. His knee slammed against the table and he muttered, “Ouch! Goddammit….” Then, his brown eyes met my face once more, almost as though they weren’t sure of what they had seen, and they needed confirmation.

The girl jutted out her bottom lip with confusion. I’m sure she was wondering why Brendon was acting so weirdly, but she kept silent and patiently waited for Brendon to calm down again.

She didn’t have to wait long.

Brendon’s eyes widened by a large scale, and he seemed more alert and caring. Rubbing the back of his neck, he sighed deeply before peering back up at me.

I was ready for this and roughly nodded my head in the girl’s direction, indicating that he needed to clean up the mess he had made.

After looking at me for another second or so, Brendon’s eyes flickered back to the girl, and a weak smile plastered onto his face.

With a softer tone, Brendon said, “I’m so sorry about that earlier. I was…having some throat issues and couldn’t really talk all too good. I didn’t mean to come across as rude. I would be glad to sign something for you.” He ended his flawless apology with his famous grin, and I already knew that the girl would not argue any further after that.

Sure enough, the teenager might as well have morphed into a cherry she was so red! She smiled hypnotically, sputtered out a few incoherent syllables, before she held out her tattered napkin and marker with a jittery hand.

Brendon grinned and took the napkin and marker from her offering hand. After a quick scribble, Brendon placed the napkin and marker back into the girl’s hand with another smile.

“Would you like a picture as well?” Brendon questioned politely.

The teenager, still grinning like a fool, shook her head and replied with a shaky voice, “I d-didn’t bring my ca-camera.”

Brendon nodded, his smile migrating sideways. “Next time, then. Well, I guess I’ll see you around then, cutie.”

The girl burst into a hysterical fit of giggles, most likely at the nickname, and her skin beamed almost orange. She laughed out something kin to a goodbye before she stumbled off.

Not even a thank you at me. The things I did that went unnoticed.

I rolled my eyes at the girl as she giggled her way out of the café. Folding my arms across my chest, I bit my lip and began to drown in my pool of impolite thoughts.

A gruff, intentional cough pulled me out of my thoughts and turned my attention back to reality.

Turning my head, I saw Brendon staring at me with an expectant expression.

Sighing, I scooted in on the opposite booth of Brendon. I began to play with my nails, ripping off the uneven edges of my fingernails and trying with all of my might to ignore the intensity of the staring eyes across from me.

Finally, I peered up at Brendon and commented, “You are a really good actor, you know.”

Brendon blinked a couple of times, grunting a bit in response. I could tell he was lost in thought again, otherwise he would have said something along the lines of ‘you don’t have to tell me, I already know’ or ‘I learned it all from the master: Jack Black’ or something ridiculous along those lines.

Running my fingers through my hair, I fixed my eyes back on Brendon and said, “Brendon, if you want to talk to me, then talk to me. I’m here, so say what you have to say. If this was just a waste of time, then I’ll just lea---“

“Emie,” Brendon suddenly stated, cutting through my sentence. His voice was pleading, almost a whine, as though he was yearning to fulfill an impossible request. He shook his head a few times, as if to clear his head, and then looked back at me with the same lost eyes.

Silence.

“Yes?” I questioned when he said nothing else.

Brendon shook his head again, this time in denial. But what was he denying?

“Brendon, I don’t understand you. What are you say---“

“I’m trying to find the words!” Brendon abruptly yelled, making me jump in surprise. He ignored the looks that were casted our way and continued loudly. “I’m trying to find the words to apologize! I’ve been sitting here for 12 hours now, thinking about the perfect words that would make you be in my life again! The words that wouldn’t deny me the sure chance of you being my friend again.”

Suddenly, my chagrin shot up again. I had been okay, my anger a thing of the past, and then, all of a sudden, here it was again. It didn’t make sense, but I could tell you one thing for sure: I was beyond furious.

I mashed my eyebrows together and harshly snapped, “The perfect words? The perfect words! You think that a few heartfelt words are just going to make me run back into your arms with approval? You are so goddamn selfish, Brendon! While my heart is being ripped through by your insults and actions over and over and again and again, all you can think about is what perfect words are going to magically regain you a friend! How can you be so self-centered? I’m beginning to think that you don’t even care about me!”

I didn’t cry. This was not the time. I could be strong. I could hold back the tears.

Brendon looked appalled, too astonished for words, and it took a couple of minutes to recover. The silence had calmed us both down a bit, and I was able to regain my steady breath-rate.

By the time Brendon was ready to speak again, the silence had influenced our voices to soften by a few octaves.

Brendon looked me dead in the eye and said, “You have it so wrong, Emie. So so wrong. I can’t believe that you would think I wouldn’t care about you. It just makes me want to laugh thinking about it!” His lips bent upward by a centimeter, but I remained expressionless as he continued, “I care about you so much, and you don’t even realize it. You’re like…like my little sister. You mean everything to me.”

I would have been jumping with joy if he had left out the 'you’re like my little sister' part. But, of course, things never worked out that way for me.

Brendon continued to smile at me. “I think you are right, though. I am being selfish. I want you all to myself sometimes. I want to hang out at the music store with you all day until we get kicked out, like we used to. I want to hang our mom's bras off my roof like we used to. I want to spend just a whole weekend with you, just like we used to. I miss all of that.”

He adjusted his position and looked down at his hands as he moved on. “And you’re right about me being selfish in another sense, too. I had no right to treat you the way I did at the club. If I could take it all back, I would.”

“But you can’t take it back,” I muttered through gritted teeth. “And don’t think for one second that I’m capable of forgetting what you said.”

Brendon rubbed his eye with the back of his hand, ashamed. “I know that, Em. But you should know that I didn’t mean one single thing I said. Your father is a fucking prick and is so incredibly stupid for leaving you behind. And you aren’t a waste of human. You are what every human needs to be.”

Breaking my promise to myself, I hiccupped, a few weak tears trailing down my cheeks. The subject of my father was something I couldn’t handle thinking about. It was a guaranteed deal of tears for me.

Almost mutely, I mumbled, “You don’t mean that.”

Brendon smiled even wider at me. “Oh, but I do, Emie. I mean it with all of my heart. Why can’t you understand that? Why can’t you see that…that you are such an incredibly awesome person? You’ve just been treated badly. But I’m going to fix up my mistakes. I’ll make it up to you, I swear.”

He was winning me over. How was he doing it? After all of those unforgivable words, how was he able to get me back on his side not even 24 hours later? It wasn’t fair. Why couldn’t I do that?

He saw right through me. He could see that he was getting to me. He took his chance.

Grasping my hand in both of his, he forced my eyes to meet his own swimming, deep brown ones as he whispered, “You mean the world to me, Emie Brooks. I couldn’t survive without you.”

No! How was he doing it? I had to think. I had to contemplate the pros and cons of this. I had to leave. I had things to do. Errands to run, people to see. I had to go to....

Dinner! With Ryan!

“What time is it?” I suddenly asked.

Brendon looked taken aback, but he managed to stutter out, “Um…seven thirty, I think. Why?”

“Shit!” I yelled, snatching my hand back to myself and standing up.

I hurriedly shoved my arms into my jacket and adjusted my hair.

“Where are you going? Emie?” Brendon questioned, his tone embittered and frustrated.

“I have dinner plans,” I hurriedly explained, pulling out my cell phone and seeing that I had three text messages and two missed phone calls from Ryan.

Brendon sighed. “And it can’t wait?”

I shook my head.

Brendon exhaled sharply again before whining, “But Emie….”

I peered back at Brendon and smiled sympathetically. “Look, we can do this later, right? I mean, I really need to think about this anyways. I’m too hungry and too tired to deal with this right now. I’m sorry. I’ll get back to you later, I swear.”

Brendon looked unsatisfied and I added, “You know that what you said is vice versa from me to you too. You mean the world to me, and I couldn’t live without you by my side either. So I’ll repeat it again: I will get back to you later, I swear.”

I gave him one last smile before turning on my heel. Just as I reached the door, I thought of something and turned back.

With bellowing volume, I shouted back to Brendon, “And don’t you dare stay in your apartment all day!”

I didn’t want to go through the chance of losing him again. No thank you.