Exposed In Lights

Being the size of a small whale at twenty one was not flattering. While I should be out getting wasted and partying the night away, I lay alone on a king sized bed trying to ease the pain in my back from carrying an extra weight in my uterus and having breasts two cup sizes larger.

I was nine months now and almost ready to pop. A ready made bag for the hospital sat in the corner of mine and Nick’s bedroom. We had acquired our own home in Texas just down the road from Paul and Denise but far from my family. But because I was almost due they were staying with Paul and Denise in their Texas mansion.

My hormones were up the wall so Nick had nipped out down the store to get me some grapes. I couldn’t stop eating them, it was insane. But I knew I had to do something other than lay on this bed so I rocked back and forth until I finally got upright and onto my feet. I shuffled into the baby’s nursery. A peach colour was the theme with pine wood furnishing all around, a white carpet with numerous gifts on shelves and on the top of wardrobes. Everything was neat and in place.

I remember when I first decided to talk about it…

I wasn’t nervous, the world had seen enough of me that nothing would surprise them. When she called my name I gracefully walked out, baby bump and all, and kissed her cheek then took a seat on the leather sofa next to her.

Oprah smiled at me, “So, shall we jump straight into it?”

I chuckled and nodded, “Lets.”

“Okay, so you met a boy named Nick Jonas when you were fifteen and got engaged when you were sixteen.” The audience was silent, listening, judging. “You married him three years later soon after you turned nineteen and now you’re twenty one and you’re pregnant. Explain to everyone what you were feeling when he proposed.”

I took a deep breath. “Well, the first thing that came to mind was his life. I honestly thought my dad was going to kill them.” She laughed and I chuckled too. “But he kindly made it very clear that he wanted to marry me sometime in the future and I felt and still do feel like he is my everything.”

“But you were sixteen! How do you even know what love is?”

“The thing is, he’s my best friend in the whole entire world. He’s always on my mind and when you’re sixteen and you love someone I think adults are quick to judge and forget what it’s like at that age. I mean, it’s the kind of love that just invades all of your mind for every minute and I didn’t want to loose that ever.”

Oprah nodded, “I agree. Some adults marry men after they’ve known them for a few months and the fact that you waited three years to marry him and another two years to have a baby proves you have a good head on your shoulders. People used to get married when they were teenagers before!”

“Exactly! And I cannot express how happy I am to be pregnant too. The funny thing was, when I told people they were all going ‘oh I’m so sorry.’” Everyone laughed in the audience making me smile.

“What did your parents say?” Oprah asked with a coy smile.

“My mum smiled and my dad just kind of… gawked at us. Then my mum just said ‘you can do whatever you want, I trust you. If you want to keep it, I’ll go to all the breathing classes with you. If you don’t want to, I’ll go with you to the clinic and if you can’t decide I’ll sit with you until you can.’ So she really helped me through it, though she needs to stop buying things.”

I snapped out of my day dream when I heard a knock on the door. This will be someone Nick has sent to look after me. I wasn’t allowed to be alone apparently because whenever he went out someone magically appeared at the door to keep company. It was kind of nice in some aspects.

Denise had brought Frankie over along with some home made lasagne for Nick and I. Frankie took off for our games room while Denise and I headed for the kitchen. Lined up along the benches were bottles, sterilisers, milk powder and bibs. A newly bought high chair and a lot of energy drinks.

“So, how are you feeling?” Denise asked, watching me heat up the lasagne and pour my self some water.

I groaned, “Like a whale, I just want this baby out of me.”

“Well, I brought some more baby clothes. I’ll go put them upstairs.” I smiled at her and scooped some more food into my mouth.

As I stood up to wash the dishes I felt a sudden gush of water down my legs. I rolled my eyes and looked at my grey sweats that now had dark grey splatters. “Denise!” I shouted and soon heard her footsteps rushing down the stairs.

“What!?” She asked urgently with wide eyes as she looked at my pants.

“Either I just lost all dignity and peed my self or I’m going to give birth…”

From then on it was go time. The contractions began and the six hour labour was taking its course. I changed into some new clothes then Denise whisked Frankie and me to hospital where I was taken to a private side ward and left to be in pain, but the gas and air helped me out with that. Nick came half an hour later with numerous foods and flavoured water for me.

Soon enough all the family started to come. Denise and my mum were the only two other than Nick and me keeping a permanent stay by my side, especially once the delivery began. I lost all sense of knowledge and being, I’d requested not to have an epidural and that was the worst thing I’d ever done.

I was exhausted and sweaty, so much so that my hair was sticking to my face. “Get my hair from my face Nicholas!” I screamed, he leaned forward and wiped it from my face. “Ugh! I hate you, geez. The baby book said that… ow! That giving birth was like pulling your bottom lip over your head.” My hands fumbled for the oxygen and pain relief gas, “The fucking woman must have had an epidural because this is like telling you to stand five feet behind me, ah my God!” I gripped Nick’s hand as another contraction came, “Behind me and then I pulled it over my head and over yours and you hold it with your feet and then do the Lord of the dance.”

“Deep breaths Julia, you’re doing well.” My midwife, Heather, told me with a smile.

“Nick, hold my hand.” His fingers pushed through my clammy hands and he looked down at me, “Will you still love me?” I sucked in some more gas and air. “Once this is over and my vagina never looks the same?”

“I’ll always love you.” He kissed my forehead and I battered him away.

“That’s nice, because I hate your penis so much right now!” I let out a grunt of pain.

Heather chuckled at me, “I need you to pant for me Julia, you’re crowning.”

The baby’s head was there, finally, but I knew there was worse to come; the shoulders, the bane of every pregnant woman’s existence. That baby’s shoulders were the widest part of it, once you get them out then it’s the end of the pain.

I failed to notice one thing up until then and that was Joe, poking his head through the door with a video camera. “Get out!” I screamed at the door.

Denise scurried over and slammed the door in his laughing face. “Come on sweetie, you’re almost there.”

“When I get to ten each time I need you to push for me, okay?” I nodded furiously. Heather counted to ten three times until I finally felt the devil leave my vagina. I felt on a high of accomplishment once Alfonso slipped out.

I know what you’re thinking, ‘you named your child Alfonso?!’ no, we didn’t. Nick and I didn’t like calling the baby ‘it’ while in the womb, so we gave it a name and that’s what we came up with. It’s what we wrote on cards too. ‘Love Nick, Julia and Alfonso (the bump)’ it always got a chuckle.

I let my head fall to the side, feeling knackered and sleepy. Nick kissed my lips with a wide grin, “You did so amazing. Our own little baby girl.”

“You were right.” I half laughed. Nick, from the start, had said it would be a girl.

“Nick, would you like to cut the cord?” Heather asked. He looked to me, I nodded trying not to let my eyes droop closed. I wanted to see my baby. After that I pushed out the placenta and I was finished.

Around five minutes later after my baby girl had been checked over and had stopped her cute crying. She was dressed in a white sleep suit and matching hat. Her small fingers looked delicate and sweet. She looked so fragile I was afraid to hold her. But her angelic face assured me everything was going to be alright, the unconditional love I felt towards her was unreal, magical, indescribable. But it was mirrored in Nick’s glowing eyes.

“She has your eyes.” I whispered as I listened to her hiccup and make adorable noises as she looked at the two of us.

I looked up into Nick’s eyes then to hers. The moment couldn’t have been more perfect. As much as I’d loved to have held her forever, but I could feel my self going to sleep. “Can we pull the guests through before I drift off?” I asked Nick, whispering because of the sleeping body in my arms.

“Are we calling her what we decided on? Baby Lily?” I nodded and smiled, “Lily Jonas, 6 pounds 7 ounces, 19 inches long. Our baby.” Nick whispered then kissed my lips again.

I held her out to him and he gently took her in his arms. I never expected to feel so much at one time. Seeing Nick look like a father seemed so natural, he fit the role better than anyone. Everything seemed like a blur, first the Grandparents and my brothers came in then left with the Grandmother’s to get some coffee and food. Next in came the three Jonas brothers with Danielle. As soon as I’d seen Kevin and Danielle hold her my body had given up.

I wasn’t asleep, just resting so I could faintly hear what was going on. “She’s so tired.” Nick announced peeling the wet towel from my forehead.

“She must be, we could hear her screaming from down the hall.” Joe laughed and soon after I heard the faint sound of skin slapping skin.

Danielle spoke, “You try pushing a baby that size out of a hole that big.” I could imagine her measuring out ten centimetres with her fingers.

“Poor Frankie, he wanted to help.” Kevin laughed.

“Shhhh!” Nick warned, “Why don’t you guys leave her to sleep? No doubt she’s still conscious.”

Nick knew me too well, I was a light sleeper. He could turn over in bed and my eyes would shoot open, I’d hit him and complain at him for moving while I slept. Together, we made a pretty good team. Like fish and chips we were.

Nick climbed into the bed with me and played with the strands of dry hair, gently pushing them against my head and re organising them into the right sides of my parton. “I love you.” He whispered and I smiled.

The next 8 weeks are what I like to refer to as ‘the black hole’ because you loose sense of all time. From the first cry, you will enter the Black Hole at warp speed. Your whole life will now be focused on the single act of making the crying stop. You will bounce, jiggle, sway, snuggle, and cry with the baby when nothing seems to work. You will sing. It does not matter if you are not a gifted vocalist. You will sing jingle bells, commercial jingles, and even football chants. You will even sing the ingredients off a box of cereal, Nick seemed to do that often or just make up things on the spot.

Soon you will find a tune that seems to quiet your darling child and that ended up being ‘Lovebug’ the last ditch effort Nick and I did to try and settle her during one of her more restless nights. We both laughed at that one.

Then, as Lily hit the two month mark we realized something magical and interesting. She was sleeping for the same amount of time at the same time every day! It was like heaven on Earth. Then, when she smiled at us for the first time it was the single most exciting thing ever. Suddenly, I could get things done around the house; washing, vacuuming, showering and even some mascara and foundation. We had emerged from the Black Hole.

Nick and I decided it was time to get out of the safety of our gated community with out little bundle of joy and go visit friends in L.A. So far, no pictures had leaked of Lily Jonas and everyone was getting anxious about seeing her. And, I think if Nick didn’t go watch some baseball he would burst, bless him.

So, to surprise him I got the family tickets to a Dodgers game. I was beginning to get my figure back but still had some baby fat, it didn’t bother me much though as I ran about the house enough to burn it off.

After secretly landing in LA we took off for the Dodgers game without paparazzi following, decoys were the best thing invented. Lily was dressed in a cute peach dress with white tights and a white hat to protect her from the sun. Nick lathered her in sun block in the car while she played with her teddy named Scrap while I wore an white t-shirt under a pair of short dungarees and some sandals. I carried a large beige bag filled with premade milk, nappies, wipes, nappy bags… everything we could need.

Once we pulled up at a back entrance Big Rob was waiting for us, I climbed out the car and began unclipping Lily from her seat. I propped her on my waist and she emerged herself with my hair, she was always playing with it.

“Nick, can you grab my bag or Lily because I’ll fall.” I asked desperately.

He held out his hands and peeled Lily from me, she let go of my hair and began hitting Nick’s face as he walked. He always pretended to bite her fingers making her make cute noises and gurgle. She’s at the stage where she gets excited if you copy her, if she makes a noise we make it back and she gets excited. The funniest thing to be seen was when my Dad stuck his tongue out at her and she did it back, his eyes lit up so she poked him in the eye.

Big Rob led us straight to the front row over the visitors dug out. Uncle Joe and Kevin were there as well as Aunt Danielle. Grandma and Grandpa Jonas were also sitting, Denise already had her arms open waiting to be passed her precious Granddaughter.

I sat down next to Denise and smiled at my daughter who was looking intently at Denise’s mouth; the source of all the babbling noises. Lily loves it when you talk to her and sometimes babbles back. I pulled my bag onto my lap and opened it to see the midday bottle was conveniently placed on top. I pulled it out and unscrewed the top then tipped in the small pot of power into it. I shook it up until it was all mixed in.

I looked to Lily whose eyes were watching the bottle in my hands, her eyes excited. “Who’s hungry?” I asked her with a wide smile. She smiled back at me making my stomach flip then reached out for the bottle. “Here you go Nana.” I handed Denise the bottle and she began babbling to Lily.

I moved up the row to sit next to Joe who stared at me incredulously. “What?” I asked checking my self over.

“You just gave my niece to my mom who I specifically told ‘when Lily gets here and she needs feeding I’m doing it’ and just gave her away!” He told me with his arms folded over his chest.

I laughed, “Aw, sorry I didn’t know. Good luck prying her from your mother.” I looked to Nick who was on the phone… my phone. “Who’s Nick talking to?”

“Ellen, she called you from the show but you were with Lily so he answered it.” I got up and walked over to Nick then tapped him on the shoulder.

He looked at me and smiled, “Here she is.” He handed me the phone then went back down the row and took his seat next to Joe.

“Hiya Ellen, what’s going on?” I heard the faint screams of the crowd in the background.

“We were just calling to check up on you, everyone’s been waiting for you to flaunt your cute little baby.” Her legendary voice made me smile.

I chuckled, “I know, we’ve been busy making sure she’s doing well. We haven’t really done much outside of Texas since she was born. It’s good to be back in LA for a bit though.” I told her.

“Nick wouldn’t tell us her name but he did tell us she has his eyes, he told us you can.”

I paused and glared at Nick. “She’s called Lily Jonas.” Ellen let out an ‘aw’. “She was born at 6 pounds 7 ounces and 19 inches long. She’s so adorable.”

“What… what’s she doing now?”

“Getting fed by Nana Jonas, Uncle Joe’ is annoyed because apparently he told her he was going to feed her. Bless.” I smiled.

“Aw, that’s cute. Anyways, we’ll leave you to enjoy the game. Thanks for talking to us!”

I managed to finally get sat down. I turned my phone off and relaxed in my seat but only for a second. The game was about to start and Lily had been fed and passed to me. I sat my adorable baby against my stomach and let her watch her surroundings. Lily was at the age where she loved to watch everything and was hyper aware of noises.

I pulled my Blackberry out to see numerous emails from friends in LA telling me to go and see them or asking when they can come over to see me but I knew they wanted to see Lily. But that was okay, because Lily was our baby and I wanted everyone to know that.

I’d always been asked if being a singer was my dream, it was my goal. My dream was to one day live at home with a child and a husband who loves me forever. And I got that, I got my dream. My happy ever after.