Sex, Booze & Tattoos

Elvira

I look up and screech manically when I see Death.
"It's not my time yet! No!" I cry.
"Elvira?" comes the voice of Death.
"Yo, Weds what are you doing here boy?" Reagan asks.
I look at her...but she looks like she's dressed up as Satan with a red cat suit and has horns growing from her red hair. I look back at Death and it now looks like Wednesday 13.
"What the fuck?! Are you fucking stalking me or something?!" I scream. He jumps away with a shocked expression and backs off as if he’s just pressed a button that releases an A-Bomb.
"Uhm sorry," he says nervously with closed eyes, while backing as far away as possible.
"What the fuck is going on man?" Reagan asks sleepily. I look back up, still tripping, and think I see Vincent from House of Wax, a gargoyle and giant spider.
"Reagan kill the spider I don't like it! It's trying to eat me!" I yell.
"What the fuck are you chattin' about? Come on you daft twat," she says and pulls me up to get off the train.
"Seeya guys," she says and I skip onto the station platform.
I skip on down to the car park where I try to grab what's floating in the air until it gets worse and I realise it’s not neon green witches and cats on broomsticks but in actual fact rain. Then I black out.

Reagan

In the office at work the next day.
"Here. Peace offering cuz I'm sorry about last night," Elvira says walking into my office. I look up from my computer screen and she throws a big bar of Galaxy chocolate onto my desk.
"Eddy I'm not mad at you for fucks sake. And I don't want the damn chocolate," I say and begin tapping at my black keyboard once more.
"Pft I spent a quid on that," she says and sits beside on my desk, on one leg, then dangles the other one down the side.
"Woah, one whole pound! Big spender huh," my roll my eyes. “Hey big spenderrr!” I sing.
"I only spend my life’s worth on alcohol and clothes...and cheese...and-"
"Yeah ok I get the picture. You don't buy chocolate often. You have it," I say.
"Alright then fook you," she says opening the chocolate.
A few moments later the door flies open. We both look away from the flat screen and see Ghastly...then Matt underneath him.
"Ooh fancy seeing you here," Ghastly says getting up before almost instantly being thrown out of the door by Matt, who is quick to his feet.
"Weirdo," I say referring to Ghastly.
Matt starts his way over to the desk so Elvira spins around to face his direction and sticks her leg out.
"Na-ah, what do you want?" she says through a piece of chocolate and rests her platform Mary Jane shoe against his chest, preventing him from coming any closer.
"That's not nice. I only came by to say hello," he says looking at her and gently pushes her leg down, then steps forwards when it's back in its original place.
After a long lasting gaze between one another Matt breaks the silence. "So are you alright after last night?" he asks looking over at me.
"What happened last night?!" Elvie says shocked! “I only though I upset her! When did you come into it?”
"We're fine" I answer, after a long sigh.
"Where did the spider thing come from by the way?" he remembers.
"Spider thing..." Elvira clearly has no idea what happened the night before.
"You thought a spider wanted to eat you," he says.
"Oh urm. Apparently I saw a giant scary spider?" she doesn’t remember.
"Why? What have you been taking?"
"Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" I say.
"Yay! That's a great song....Lucy in the sky with diiiiamonds!!" Elvira sings.
"That's all you know of it though," I tell her with a smirk.
"Yeah..." she looks down in an ashamed way.
"Drugs aren't good for you. Especially not psychedelics," Matt says leaning his arm on her shoulder.
”Nope, nope," I agree then continue to type some more lines.
"So what did you think everyone else was? Or rather what did you think you saw," he asks her.
"Urrmm Death...but I realised that was Wednesday...oh yeah Weds was there! Then Vincent from the House of Wax....some weird gargoyle.....and the spider! It were well scary, looked like a black widow or something; scary fucker." She says coming down to a mumble.
"Heh...yeah Ghastly looks like a gargoyle a bit."
"Or a gnome!" I burst out suddenly. They both turn to me with weird looks before laughing.
"Well...he does" I trail off.
"Aye...I guess so," Elvie giggles.
I realise they're just staring into space.
"Ahem! Lunch anyone?" I ask sharply while saving my work and logging off my settings.
"Whatever," Matt agrees.
"Aye, just a chocolate milkshake or summet though," Elvie sighs and slowly slides off the desk.
I’m up and already at the door while they're still occupied with their one-track-mind behaviour. I reach for the door handle, but the door flies open before I can even turn the handle. Immediately Wednesday throws me to the floor....I just try and collect momentum and hope I don't have a concussion.
"What the fuck! Do I have no authority whatsoever around here or something!? It's my god damn office man" I yell, pushing him off my shocked being.
"Don't try and have kinky bumfun around here...she won't like it," Elvie laughs.
"Gross dude!" I say getting to my feet.

That night we had decided to go partay...even though there is possibly a slight chance we do a little too much of that as it is...but partaying is what we were both made for so why quit now anyway?
I sit myself beside Elvie on a barstool and order a blue vodka while she orders a Jack Daniels and coke. My round, I hand the money over then start a mildly entertaining conversation based on lepers.
”I heard this terrible joke right" Elvie starts. Oh no not another one. "This leper goes to a prostitute then when he's done and leaves her apartment says 'you can keep the tip'" she tells me then cracks up.
"I'm having a blond moment...I don't get it..." I say with a confused look on my face. She merely cracks up into a worse fit of giggles so I push her off her barstool and laugh as she sits on the floor scowling up at me.
"You're a donkey sucker," she tells me, next downs her drink, then orders a bottle of wine. “The point is...he said ‘keep the tip’...he has leprosy, the tip of his penis came off...get it?”
I order another two blue vodkas and she pays before we go off to find a table in the corner of the room.
"So....you getting laid tonight huh?" she asks whilst sipping from the large bottle.
"Of course, it'd be sinful not to!" I reply.
"Don't even ask me. That's all that's on my mind ever!"
"I know," I roll my eyes then slowly finish my second blue vodka before going for the third.
By now it's no lie that I’m tipsy. And the drinks keep on coming so we're both considerably drunk.
"Let's go find fuckables," Elvira drags me up onto the dance floor without hesitation. Fuckables are what she wants and always does.

The next morning I wake and all I think of is getting back home as soon as I can. I don't care where I am and merely run eyeliner thickly around my eyes, slip some shades over the top then scrape my messy and tangled red hair into a bun with one of my bracelets and all the while I’m grabbing my belongings. I make for the door and leave down the street pulling up the next cab that comes along down the road at 10am.

Later on at the offices...there's a very special message waiting for us on my answer machine, both me and my deluded friend.