I Accidently Kidnapped the Joker. Crap.

The slick feel of the hammer against my thumb was pure ecstasy. My next actions came as if they were second nature to me and I never even knew I had it in me. I looked around my apartment quickly and spotted a folding chair.

“Get that chair and sit in it,” I pointed to the chair with the small Magnum in my hand.
All my uncles, cousins and even my dad were big into guns. They insisted I keep one on hand for ‘self-defense.’ Does this count as self-defense? Oh fuck it.

“Okay now dearie, you’re getting a little crazy let’s just calm do-“

“Get in the fucking chair!” I shouted cutting him off in midsentence. He clicked his tongue and looked at me with attitude. Did that make sense? He got up off the couch and grabbed the green and worn chair that was leaning against the TV and opened it.

“Now wha-t” he clicked his tongue again in annoyance. I honestly didn’t know. I never thought that far ahead nor did I ever do that. I guess it stems back to when I was little.

My mom always used to think ahead for me and plan everything out. After a while I got used to it and relied on her to do that for me. A major flaw came about from her doing this. I never paid too much attention to the details around me. I never had to. As much as I needed her help now I don’t think I could use her as a lifeline this far into the game. Wait; did I just refer to me kidnapping the Joker as ‘a game’? I must be going crazy.

“Just uh, hold on I uh” I was becoming nervous and was starting to panic. “What do I do now?” It seemed that my only option was to tie the Joker to the chair. I couldn’t leave the room in fear of him leaving so I had to rely on the scarce sources around me. I bent down and started to untie my shoes one at a time but the gun and my eyes never once moved away from any part of the Joker’s body.

My shoes became looser as I started to untie and pull out the laces. ‘At least this will hold him for a second’ I thought while walking over towards him.

“Ooh, kinky, I like it” he winked at me. My confused look apparently amused him. The Joker busted into a fit of giggles. I then noticed why he said that.

‘He was only in his boxers.’ My face grew hot as I handed him his clothes that were lying in a bunch on the couch but my gun still never pointed away from his body. “You know, it costs money for things like this” Joker laughed. I navigated away from my thoughts when I noticed him looking at me with raised eyebrows. “I mean, you can watch but it’s gonna’ cost you” the Joker licked his lips. I still stared at him, not fully understanding what he meant. “STOP WATCHING ME GET DRESSED WOMAN!” he shouted, making me realize what he was hinting at.

“I-I can’t, you might do something,” I said timidly. The Joker grinded his yellow teeth in annoyance before putting on his pants. I honestly couldn’t look away from him. One: because he might do something and two: Because I just COULDN’T! Could you?
“Okay, now what dolly” the Joker asked, plopping down in the chair. I said nothing and just tied his hands together. While doing so, I noticed the watch sticking out of his pocket. ’11:56’ the watch read.

‘Wow, I didn’t realize it was that late’ I told myself. Once the first lace was secured around his wrists, I then tied the second lace to the first, causing his hands to be tied to the chair. After doing so I questioned myself ‘NOW what do I do?’ The only thing to do was nothing. I walked towards the couch and picked up a clean, simple black shirt that I had just washed. What, you think I’m just going to waste water and electricity just for a couple articles of clothing? Girl, my momma taught me better than to waste stuff.

“Uhm, can you close your eyes please or look away or something?” my voice weakly asked the Joker. I needed to change out of my wet shirt; I was beginning to get chilled.

“Sorry, I can’t. I’m tied to a chair” his laughter filled the apartment but thankfully not that loud. I slipped the black shirt over my head and put it on. I quickly folded my arms inside my shirts as I took off the white one and replaced my arms inside the black tee. I smirked feeling the warm, dry shirt tickle my flesh. Just a neat little trick I picked up in gym class. I threw my shirt on the ground and watched it land by the front door. I then looked at the cable box and realized what time it was; 12:00.
“Say doc” the Joker began as I sat on the couch “what’s your deal with becoming a doctor? I spark you as being the architectural type. Am I right?” I suspiciously looked at him.

“How did you know that?” I asked a little freaked out.

“Well it’s simple to see actually. I mean, look at your apartment. Each piece of furniture and even the boxes are placed in a certain way. If you were the artist type the boxes would be neat and placed to look somewhat pretty. The stuff you do have up is unique and placed to be easily and efficiently used. Do you know what I mean, Vern?” He asked and I did.

He did make a bit of sense, not much but enough. Of course he didn’t know what I was thinking so I had to answer him with a simple ‘yes.’

“Soo…” he asked again “Why’d you become a doctor?”

The only answer I could come up with was “Because I’ve always wanted to help make things in people’s lives a little bit better.” This answer seemed to spark a major interest with him.

“So, did you ever plan on becoming a doctor or did something unexpectedly make you wanna do it?” the Joker asked.

“I didn’t really plan on it at first but then I decided to fulfill that passion. I planned on going to school and everything.” I replied but his face didn’t like that answer.
“Nah, I don’t believe in plans, I just believe that fate or destiny guides them into a certain direction. Most people just mistake it for a plan.” Now it was my turn to disagree.

“You know, looking at you I see myself, a troubled person who is looking for something to give them a reason why they were put onto this Earth. You may not think so, but you ARE a man with a plan.”

I looked up from the nail I was picking to look at him only he didn’t stare back. His face was contorted as if he were in deep thought.

“You might be right about that. Most people call me crazy and now I’m beginning to believe them. Although I didn’t plan on becoming ‘The Joker’ I planned on pursuing this persona into changing the lives of those who changed me. I was so fixated on what I wanted in life while others did what their peers and parent’s wanted them to do and that just didn’t fly with me. Now I’m crazy about changing things to my liking.” The Joker never once looked up from the floor he was staring at. Now, it was my turn to defend Joker instead of him doing it himself.

I reached over to touch his leg gently as I replied, “You’re not crazy. Just desperate to make people understand the freedom of anarchy. Crazy? No. Just cynical” I ended with a reassuring smile.

He looked at me in disbelief, disbelief that someone actually agreed with him.

“Not even Harley believed that” The Joker whispered. I knew whom he was talking about: Harley Quinn, his current assistant and my former friend. She was the Bonnie to his Clyde; I’m amazed she hasn’t blown up every building in Gotham so far looking for her ‘Puddin.’ Believe me, she would. I knew Harley.

I was once on call very late one night and was called over to Arkham. Apparently, a man was beating his head against the glass, claiming the walls were dripping bile and his head was filled with millions of worms. The doctors there asked me to patch up his head while he was unconscious. I agreed, eager to help. It was there that I met Harley or, at that time, Harleen. It was also that day that she became ‘Harley.’ I was broken out of my flashback with a searing pain in my leg.

“Ow!” I gasped in shock and pain.

“You weren’t listening” he cackled, “I said, How is your family life?”

For some reason, I didn’t really feel like telling him about them. It’s not like I was embarrassed by my family members, I just didn’t want to give him any information about them. He sensed my hesitance and asked another question.

“What would your boyfriend say when he finds out you kidnapped the Joker?” he smirked as if knowing this hit a nerve.

“He would say nothing” I replied looking away from him and removing my hand from his leg.

“How come?” he pouted.

“Because I don’t have one! That’s why!” I snapped.

He grinned widely just as I looked up at him again but I wasn’t scared because I didn’t see the Joker, I just saw a man, which was sort of hard to do seeing as how his pale skin still looked to be covered with faded make-up.

“Aw, you don’t have a squeeze? How come?” he persisted to know but I didn’t feel like talking about it, it was a sensitive subject.

Maybe I should have told him I did have a boyfriend, to save myself from the torment that came next.

Why can’t I learn to lie?