Resurecting Love

Dear Diary,

It's been four years since I''ve bothered to read you or write about my life. I would say that I always felt that it was a waste of time and patience because no one will want to read about me. Anyway, I'm not here to moan about diaries or even me. I want to make sure that if anything happens to me I don't fall for stupid tricks, and think that people who really I should dispise are friends or family.

The beginning was such a long time ago, too many years for me to explain fully but then again you may know if you've read Suki's first diary. I wont get my hopes up though, there's too much pity in it, I couldn't let people in like I did at the beginning. If I did then I wouldn't be who I am now, I suppose. I should tell you the majourity of why i'm writing this but no-more.

Four years ago, a conversation is fresh in my brain, one that changed my life. Why I spoke to him at that concert I don't know but something clicked and then he changed...

[Flash Back]

When this break comes, and it will, I will be so happy to go over there and rip my brother to shreds. I bet he doesn’t know how much pain he is causing Suki, the bastard!

Finally the break came and I was happy, I watched Suki and David walk away through the crowds together. I was happy for her as long as she knew what she was getting herself into.

I turned and walked over to Harry, the smile wiped off my face, I went and dragged him by the arm away from the girl he had brought with him.

“I need a word.” I mumbled loud enough for him to hear. We wandered to a place a little further from where we were usually standing in the crowd, I noticed that he had brought a bag with him in his right hand like a prize possession of his.

“What did you want to talk about?” He asked me a little puzzled.

“Are you seriously asking me that?” I asked absolutely at the end of my tether. “Could you be anywhere nearer walking off a cliff or going blind? You are so dumb sometimes Harry. I know you have your own problems but when you become someone else’s problem then I have to worry. You need to sort your self out. You’re hurting me, mum, dad and even Suki by the way you're acting. So either stop it or stop seeing us.” I said straight to his face. Yes he is my brother and I do love him but some times people just need to be told straight. He was so annoying at this moment in time, he had brought some girl, who none of us knew to this gig, he had even made her look like Suki. Who was he kidding I could tell immediately that he didn’t really like her he was only bringing her because she looked like Suki. The absolute arse!

“Abi calm down. I don’t know what you’re talking about?” I rolled my eyes at him. He was either stupid or just being pathetic.

“You do.” I paused I was breaking down inside and I could feel it. “ You have been starving your-self and I know that… You have… You have tried to sort it out but if you don’t start eating properly then you may become bulimic. Then what will happen Harry? You could die or become anorexic? I would break down I need you. You’re my rock, my older brother and as much as those nightmares of yours are plaguing you at the moment your family needs you to get a good nights sleep and eat properly.” I was only giving suggestions and I could see Harry really thinking about what I was saying. “ I’m only saying that you’re hurting people and you shouldn’t be. I hate waking up and seeing you a miserable wreck walking about in your bedroom, you could be so much more and you have so much potential. Suki doesn’t even want to know you because of the way you’ve become. Think about that Harry, the person you’re turning into is not someone we want to be around.” I stopped talking he was looking at me oddly.

“Okay, I’ll think about what I shall do to make it up too everyone but while I am, can you give this to Suki from me?” He asked me out-stretching the bag in his right hand for me too take. I didn’t think anything of the words he said, I didn’t know that that was what he was thinking, if I had then I would have persuaded him otherwise, why did I have a go at him?

“Give it too her your-self, she’ll appreciate it more, what ever it is.” I answered and I was right if I had given it too her then she would think that he was a low life and I know that she needs to hold on to what she feels for Harry because I think everyone could benefit from it.

We walked back over to the girl he had brought with him and waited for the break to finish, where is Suki and David? Maybe, their somewhere relax-in, well good for them…

[End Of Flash Back]

I was oblivious to the fact that he wouldn't think straight. Why didn't I talk to him at home properly instead of letting him make his stupid mind up at a Gig. A place where caous and fun spin hand in hand without reason. A position where all legitimate thinking goes down the drain because of a few knocks of the head, a boy with his arms around your best friend and some chick who looks like someone else.

Shame is what I feel now, lonely and pushed aside, I would never have turned out like this if it wasn't for one person. One monstrous pile of junk who stole my best friend. I wouldn't have turned out this way unless I blame myself for that day, the day I met Suki....

[Flash Back]

As I walked down the road to these woods or park place, I glanced around at my surroundings, there were people going to the same place. At least they know their way around here. I kept walking through the woods staring at everything but nothing at the same time. Then out of no where I hear this person shout,

“Hey, you, girl!” She sounded like she owned the place bellowing at the top of her lungs at me. I wasn't impressed. I turned round.

“I have a name!” I said. The girl ran up to me and worried when she saw my face, shit, I must be crying again.

“Oh, I knew that, I just wanted to talk to you.” She rambled on.

“Why? You don’t even know me.”

“What’s your name then?” The girl asked not noticing that I really wasn't up for talking.

“Abi and you?” I replied and then decided to be polite, it's not like I can ignore everyone who lives here.

“Suki, now we know each other happy?”

“I think so.” I smiled amused with the way she spoke.

“So what stuff you into? Where do you come from? Where do you go to school? Why are you crying? Why are you on your own?” Suki asked. She has asked a little too much at once for me to answer.

“Whoa. How do you talk so much?”

“It's a habit.” She laughed.

“Well I come from a place called England usually.” I said. Suki laughed again.

“Walk with me. It’s just I’m meeting someone.”

“Your boyfriend?” I was being a little nosey but it would take my mind off of my life.

“No. I wish. He has a girlfriend and I’ve never met him before.” We started walking.

“So you’re ready to meet a total stranger that could be a pervert? You’re weird like me.” I rambled this time.

“Well, he’s not a total stranger I’ve been emailing him for a month or two now. We know each other well. What school do you go to? Come on tell me…”

“Ok. I’m Abi. I’m fifteen and I’m new around here. I’m starting school on Monday at Shadowton high school. I have no friends and I’ve been beaten up by a boy. Is there anything else you want to know?” I answered a little snappy but Suki didn't seem to notice which was good as it meant that I wasn't going to lose a potential friend.

“That’s good enough for now.” She stated.

“So where are you meeting this boy?”

“Shush, wait here.” She went forward and stopped. Through the trees I could see a boy sitting by the meandering river. I watched Suki walk slowly over there but from the distance I was I couldn't hear what they were saying. He got up.

Suki signaled for her to come to her by waving her hand. It confused me for a minute, why couldn't I have just walked over to her in the first place instead of having to wait.

“Hey.” The boy said to me.

“Hi.” I answered bewildered.

“Abi this is David Tennant. David this is Abi.” Suki said.

“Looks like Suki’s not going to show up. Which means something’s happened to her. I wonder if she’s ok. Do you know her?” He asked us.

“Nope. We best be going David I’ll see you at school, sometime. Bye.” Suki hurriedly pulled me away from David and in the direction that we had originally come from.

“Why didn’t you tell him that you’re Suki? Who is he?” I was so confused my brain hurt.

“That’s David Tennant. One of the most popular guys in school who has a girlfriend called Nicole. If he knew who I was I would die. Ok. My life is full of bad things I don’t need it getting worse by me getting hurt by being stupid. I should never have gone on Habbo Hotel.”

“I thought you wanted to meet him?”

“I did. Then my heart broke. He is in another whole different class to me. I’m the freak he’s well the most talked of guy in school. It wouldn’t work.” She said.

[End Of Flash Back]

My weird beginning with Suki, what a friend, hours of talking and discussing what to do. Even the time where she kicked some guys arse for picking on me. That made me laugh. Yeah, we were real friends and nothing could get between us or so we thought. We were both blinded, I just wanted to tell her but I held my tongue until it was too late, then no-one would listen to me. But hey, you need to know the story so heres what happened after the first conversation at the Gig.

[Flash Back]

At the end of the gig, Harry decided that he wanted to talk to me. So as we stood where we were Harry said out straight… “I want a private word with Abi please.” So David, Claire and Suki moved away.

Harry took me by the arm and looked at me. He sighed.

"I've thought about it Abi," He paused. "I've made my decision." I smiled at him, ready to pounce on him with a hug. " I'm going to move out."

I stopped. My mouth opened. He just said that he was moving out. I quickly laughed and punched his shoulder.

"Stop joking around Harry." He looked down at me with a serious expression.

"I'm not, I'm going to move out next week, as soon as I've found a place and a job." My face dropped like a ton of bricks.

"But, but, but..." He shook his head at me, I then felt them, the army of tears.

"No buts, I'm doing it."

"You cant!" I shouted at him. " We love you. Don't you think that you will cause us more pain by moving away." I took a deep breath, I had begun step two, anger of my panic attack. "I won't be able to look after you. You're stupid! You don't know what you're saying." I took deep breaths. "Who will comfort you when you have your nightmares? Who will stop you from hurting yourself?-"

"Abi, shut up!" He shouted at me. I stopped talking. "I don't need anyone to treat me like a child, plus you said yourself earlier I'm hurting everyone, well this way I'm not. I'm finding my own way out." He looked towards Suki before refocusing on me. "My minds made up kiddo, I'm not changing it." He hugged me slowly, his ribs were sticking out and it unnerved me before he started to walk back to the others. My brother was leaving me. My rock was shifting in the ground and I would crumble.

"Harry!" I called. "Harry!" I shouted. He turned sharply.

"Be quiet!" Then he reached the others and my out burst stopped. I had lost. My brother... was fading away.

Suki walked over to me and I turned away from Harry to cry directly into Suki's shoulder. I felt my heart break.

Claire came over and told me that she had rung a taxi and it was waiting five blocks away. I watched David come over and stand behind Suki then he snuck his hands around her making me let go.

“Come on baby, we’re going.” David said smiling. I looked from her to him and back again. She was leaving me too.

“But Abi… She needs me David.”

“What?!” I said cutting in sobbing. “ Are you going somewhere Suki?” I stood with tears trailing down my face.

“I’m taking her somewhere where we can be alone.” David said smiling at her and then realising that the atmosphere was icy. Claire obviously didn’t want to be apart of this and Harry couldn’t care less but he had by now grabbed Claire’s hand and stood there stroking it.

“David I don’t think that we should…” Suki started saying but I saw him tense up and so she didn’t say anymore. I was quite surprised when Harry spoke to them because it was obvious that he didn’t want to.

“I think it would be good that you too got too spend time together.” He said and he took Claire’s hand and pulled her towards the exit of the gig.

“Suki…” I wailed slightly.

“Stop it Abi. You should just deal with it. Let Suki have a good time and lets go home.” Harry said harshly as he spun round at my words.

“Harry.. Don’t be…-”

"Suki stay out of this just go.” He was commanding her to go with David who only seemed to happy to whisk her away. I looked at Suki and David. She saw my desperation but mouthed 'sorry' at me. I nodded at her and then silently followed my brother back to the Taxi.

[Flash Back Ended]

Why I had been so easy to give up, I can't remember, I just think back and remember a helpless feeling like no-body cared. The world was against me at that moment and they thought it would be funny to pull my life apart. I tried so hard to help him, my brother, I wouldn't give up until the end even in the taxi on the way home...

[Final Flash Back Today]

I sat crying in the Taxi next to my brother. I love him so much and I hope, he knows that, yeah I know I've been a bitch but I was looking out for him. He knows that right? That all the moaning about him not eating was because I don't want to see him become secluded and frail. Oh, Harry, you moron, I wish that you could just see, that we say it because, we care.

The journey home was silent and unbearable, this was made worse by Claire who was all over my brother in the taxi. I sat in the corner, opposite them, I felt so alone. She was leaning on his shoulder and smileing gayly up at him. I hadn't known her a day and she annoyed me, why couldn't my brother just get Suki to go out with him? I can see that's what they both want. Oh god Suki, she will feel terrible that im going home with out her. I hope she has a good time. It's going on for half ten and Claire is falling asleep on my brother's shoulder and he's put his arm round her.

"Why do you put up with her throwing herself at you?" I said glaring at Harry evily. He shrugged at me strangely.

"Because I like her." He said, I could tell by his tone of voice that he wanted for me to leave it there but I could see through his act, he didn't like her at all. Well not that badly at least. She wasn't his type but what if I'm wrong? I mean I never dreamed that he would want to move out. I had to make sure just to clarify it with my-self.

"But you don't like her Harry." He shot me a dirty look, did that mean that I was right? I didn't know anymore?

"I do like her, don't talk to me about stuff that you don't know about." He argued. If he was getting so stressed with me then it meant that I was winning. He turned his body so that he was closed to any more conversations with me, his gaze was somewhere out of the window, I think that he was thinking about someone. The jouney was silent after that. When we eventually got in from the long drive, I stormed up to my room and slammed the door shut. I was by now thinking that I didn't want a brother. This was only because Harry woke Claire up and decided that he would take her home. He got out of the Taxi and walked her up to her door. He then stood snogging her face off while I sat getting angrier by the second. I was half in my right mind to tell the driver to drive me home but I realised quickly after that I didn't have any money and so that was a stupid thing to do. He got back in the Taxi and we didn't speak for the rest of the journey. When we got home I got straight out and went straight to my bedroom as I said.

So this is what I have been reduced to, crying behind a wall because I don't have enough guts to get up and talk to the person I'm up-set with. He won't fucking listen anyway, I mean that he hasn't listened to anything else that I've got to say. So I'll cry my self to sleep and hopefully wake up in a world where Harry is a normal person living at home.

[End Of Flash Back]

So how about it? I've lived in torment for four years thanks to him, and he's not the even the worst of it, something else has happened since...