For Keeps

I gotta get out of here. I can't be here. Nick was right on my heels, following me as I grabbed my purse. I could feel his anger building up more and more behind me. I could see his eyes without having to look at him, bloodshot and glazed over thanks to one too many bottles of SKYY. One last blow to my back with his fist and I was out the door, tasting the freedom.

"And don't you come back, you slut!" I last heard his slurred screams through the door before I could make it to the elevator and get the fuck out of there.

"Grandma? Hello?" I unlocked the door to my grandma's house in the L.A. valley, the same house I moved into at thirteen to live with her. I could hear her laughing outside along with her best friend and business partner, Shayna.

"Grandma!" I opened the sliding glass door to her porch and my mood was instantly lifted at the sight of my happy beautiful grandmother. I walked over to give her and Shayna kisses, when I noticed Shayna's son who lived next door.

He was sitting in my favorite papasan chair sipping iced tea. We've met a few times and his mom and my grandmother have been trying to get us together for the longest time, but with him busy acting and me busy working, we have never been in the same place. Until now.
"Rayne, you remember my son, Shia." Shayna waved over to her son, who politely waved and stood, offering his seat to me. I declined, preferring the ground instead, and took in his looks. He was pretty tall and very fit, with tan, muscular arms and about three days worth of scruff on his face. He was wearing a gray beanie that covered his curly brown hair.

"Of course, good to see you again." I waved back.

"Okay Rayne. Let's see it." Grandma motioned to my eye. I reluctantly slid my sunglasses off and placed them on my head, embarrassed of the black eye the accumulated over the last three days. She made a sincere clucking noise and kissed my forehead. "He won't live to see thirty."

"Yeah, well, it's over between us." I slid my sunglasses back on, signaling the end of the conversation.

"You know Shia just got back from Australia." My grandmother said, changing the subject.

"Oh yeah? I heard the surf is awesome there. I've never been." I said to Shia. I was still inspecting his looks, as superficial as that sounds. He was wearing a white Velvet Underground shirt and gray skinny jeans. Okay, a shirt with my favorite band? Check.

"Yeah, I had the best time ever. You surf?" He asked me and then took a sip from his iced
tea. He held the glass by the top as he sipped from it, the way my best friend Tyler drank from cups. I always thought that was kind of masculine.

"Uh-huh. Except I've been pretty busy with work."

"Rayne's an artist, Shia. She's opening up a gallery." Shayna informed him for me.

"Yeah, mom. You mentioned that." He smiled to his mother and then back at me. It was silent for a moment.

"It's hot. I'm gonna change." I got up from the ground and walked the stairs up to my old bedroom. I didn't bring any clothing with me when I left my apartment and have been wearing Tyler's clothes since I was staying with him. Today I was wearing his little brother's jeans and a dirty plaid flannel. Needless to say, I looked disgusting.

I walked into my bedroom and immediately felt nostalgic of my childhood. On one wall was the Kurt Cobain shrine I set up on the fifth anniversary of his death, and the million pictures of my high school memories. I went to the closet and opted for a white eyelet summer dress that I left the last time I was here, and then french braided my hair down my back. I noticed how long my hair got. I had been too bust to even notice that I haven't had a haircut in the past y ear and a half. Emilie, my roommate in college, taught me how to french braid for myself, a tool I've used very often. While still inspecting myself in the mirror, I also noticed the weight I had recently lost. I've always been thin, but for the last few months I had been too busy to notice what the stress had been doing to my body. I walked back downstairs and out to the porch.

"Hey grandma, you're out of Cokes. I'm gonna run to the market and get some."

"Alright, sweetie. There's a grocery list on the fridge if you don't mind." She said with a smile.

"Shia will go with you, Rayne." Shayna said. He really didn't have to. Just because [one guy put his hands on me, doesn't mean I need a bodyguard, but Shia got up anyway and followed me out to my black Prius.

"Alright if you're going to seat in the passenger seat, you gotta be DJ." I handed him my iPod. That was pretty much the one rule in my car, if you're passenger, you're DJ.

"Okay, I think I can handle that." He said and scrolled through the choices. "The Shins? They're my favorite band!"

"They're my favorite band! I've been stalking them for like, six years! I like to think I knew them before anybody else did. They're like my baby. Oh, do you mind?" I asked as I
motioned to the cigarette I held between my two fingers.

"Nah, not if you don't mind if I bum one from you."

"No way." I handed him the pack. It was the last cig but I let him have it anyway. We pulled
into the Ralphs right as we smoked the Marlboro Lights down to the butt.

It was about half an hour before we were in the checkout line. "And can I get three packs of Marlboro Lights?" I asked the cashier.

"I'm gonna need to see some ID." He said, monotone, like he could give less of a shit whether I was over eighteen or not. I was a little embarrassed to have been asked in front of Shia, but it didn't really matter much to me. "Okay, here." The cashier handed me my groceries after seeing I was actually twenty three years old.

"Oh, here, let me get these." Shia took the three bags of groceries and followed me out to my car. I grabbed a pack of cigarettes and lit another one, offering one to Shia who accepted. I lit it and inhaled, the smoke filling my lungs and instantly destressing me from my worries.

"Grandma, we're back!" I opened a can of Coke after putting the groceries away and saw that my grandma and Shayna were still outside, but were now sitting on the edge of the pool with their ankles in the water.

"Over here!" Shayna waved over. Shia and I walked over and sat on the concrete. It was about one in the afternoon and the sun was directly over head, instantly heating our backs. I died to go swimming, but the only bathing suit I had here was the one from eleventh grade, the year I had to go the rehab for anorexia.

But that chapter in my life is over.

"It's so hot, don't you two want go swimming?" My grandma asked, reading my mind.

"I don't have a bathing suit." I said as an excuse, but she did know I had one here, so she gave me the look; the look that said, 'there's no use in lying when I know the truth.' "Okay, okay." I got up from where I was sitting and went back up to my room.

I located the bathing suit in no time. A size, XS top and XXS bottoms. It almost made me sick when I put it on and saw that it fit almost perfectly. Luckily it was still snug. I put on an oversized gray V neck and went back downstairs. Shia must have gone home to change because he was no longer outside. Neither were Shayna or my grandmother. Without a second thought I threw off the shirt and dove in the deep end. I immediately relished in the cool water and thought about staying there forever. I let my body float to the top, still face down, until I heard a splash and felt my body being tugged out from underwater.

"Woah, it's okay!" I said to Shia, who must have thought I drowned. He was still holding me in his muscular arms.

"Oh, sorry." I was blushing, but he was still holding me. "Um, oh, sorry." I awkwardly swam a foot away from him and leaned against one of the pool walls when we heard a shriek from inside. I immediately look over at Shia who gave me a questionable look, when Shayna and my grandmother came running outside.

"Guess what, guess what GUESS WHAT!" Shayne screamed.

"What?" Shia and I asked at the same time.

"Barney's and Saks want to meet with us to discuss selling our line at their store!" My grandmother answered.

"Finally, Violet, it's really happening!" Shayna walked over and hugged my grandmother before announcing they were to leave tomorrow to New York for the meeting.

"But I just got here!" I said, a little upset I wasn't going to have a lot of time to spend with my grandmother.

"I know, baby, but we've been waiting for years for this opportunity." I nodded in understanding. I really did understand what it was like to struggle for years before being discovered. "Oh, you're right. I can't leave you alone especially at a time like this. Shayna, you'll just have to go by yourse-"

"No no no no!" I objected. "You have to go. That was just me being selfish. I'll be fine. These things don't happen everyday." She and Shayna had been trying to sell their jewelry line in stores for years and it was finally happening for them!

"Are you sure, baby? I'll be so worried for you."

"I'll stay with her." Shia offered.

"Really?" Shayna asked her son.

"Yeah, why not? I'm not working on anything right now, and that way you know she'll be
safe."

"Rayne, is that okay with you?" My grandmother asked.

"Sure." I shrugged, it was only two weeks.

The four of us went out for dinner that night to celebrate.

"Rayne, we've been thinking," Shayna said over edamame and spicy tuna rolls. "and we don't want you to feel uncomfortable or embarrassed."

"Look Rayne, we all love you, but we're very worried." My grandma said. "You're getting so thin and you obviously aren't taking your sleeping pills."

That part was true. I was diagnosed with insomnia at fourteen, but for the past year have refused to let my life be run by drugs.

"I'm just a little stressed." I said as an excuse. "But I'm going home in a couple days so I won't have to worry about not getting any work done."

"You are home, and you will not be going back to your apartment while that NICK is there" My grandmother said. I looked over to Shia who looked as uncomfortable as I felt.

"You will be staying home with Shia until we get back, and then longer."

"But I have to work..." Which I'll admit is a pretty lame excuse because I could really paint at
my grandmother's house. Again, she gave me the look; the one that said 'if that's the best you got, I rest my case.' "And Bubba's still at the apartment, along with all of my clothes. I can't just give up on my entire life!"

"We're not asking you to give up on your entire life. We just want to see you happy again and if that means taking a break from work, then we'd only ask you to do this because we know it's what's good for you." Shayna said. "And I'm sure Shia will be happy to help you get your stuff from the apartment."

"Yeah, no problem."

"Alright, you win." I said and dove into the spicy tuna rolls.

"Look, Rayne I hope you know I'm doing this for your own good." My grandmother told me later that night at home while we were alone. "It's just, you've been through a lot, and I know what it's like to regret not living in the moment while you're still young! You know I love you, I love you so much. It hurts so much when I see you in pain."

"I'm not in pa-"

"I know you, Rayne. I know you're in pain. You're hurting." That was true... "You're shockingly
thin and you're not taking care of yourself. Listen to me. I want you to promise me that while you're staying here you will do your best to live. Promise me you will cut off ties with that Nick and you will enjoy your life. You're a beautiful, beautiful girl and when I come home in two weeks I want to see the new you. Please promise me you'll try?"

"Okay..."

"I'm only doing this because I love you."

"I love you too."

"Here." She said, handing me a blue pill and a glass of water. When I didn't immediately grab for it she gave me the eyes.

"Okay, okay, okay." I swallowed the pill and turned to walk upstairs.

"Wait. Come back." I turned around to face my grandmother. "That'll knock you out for a while and we're leaving early in the morning, so I don't want to wake you to say goodbye." She embraced me in a bear hug and kissed my forehead. "I look forward to seeing the new you. I love you."

"I love you too." I said drowsily before getting in bed and falling into a deep sleep filled with dreams of my new life.