Clash Of The Rockbands
Cigarette Execution
“No, Zacky!”
“But, Ann—”
“Put the cigarette up right this instant!”
“But—”
“Zacky, I ain’t playing here! PUT IT UP!”
“I’ll go—”
“NO! You won’t go outside! You will put the cigarette AWAY for ALL OF ETERNITY!” AM yelled at Zacky. She glared at the little white cigarette he held between his fingers. She pointed accusingly at it. “That fucking thing will MURDER YOU, and then what will you do? HUH? NOTHING! BECAUSE YOU’LL BE DEAD!”
AM was becoming downright indignant against that tiny little inanimate object. Zacky just stared at her, frozen in place.
“Light bulb!” she suddenly exclaimed. She hurried out of the living room and into the kitchen. Zacky shot us all questioning looks, and we just shrugged our shoulders: AM’s antics were a mystery to us as well.
A few moments later, AM strolled back into the living room. In one hand she held a frosted cutting board made of hard plastic; in the other hand she held a wicked-looking butcher knife. She walked up to Zacky and put the cutting board down on the coffee table right in front of him.
“Give me that cigarette.” she told him. Slowly, he extended a hand and dropped the cigarette into her open palm. “And the packet in your pocket.” With a slightly pained look, Zacky pulled the packet of cigarettes out of his back pocket and handed it to her. He looked as though he had just condemned his best friend to death.
AM carefully positioned the packet of cigarettes and the lone cigarette next to each other on the cutting board. As all of us watched, she looked back up at Zacky.
“This’ll hurt, Zacky.” she told him seriously. “It’ll hurt worse than anything you’ve ever felt. But I think it’s necessary. Cigarettes are not going to kill you, and I’m going to make sure of that.”
“Just be careful where you swing that knife.” Rayne intoned from across the room. “The last thing we need is for you to lob someone’s head off.”
AM ignored her comment. She looked back down at the cutting board. Then, with one swift movement, she raised the butcher knife and swung it down. The blade landed right in the middle of the cutting board, slicing the cigarette and packet right down the middle.
“Rayne, just to let you know, if you do that to my pack of cigarettes, I’ll pop your head off like a dandelion and stick it on a pole in my front yard.” Syn said, looking over at Rayne.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” I told him. “She’ll just scream her head off at you 24/7. It wouldn’t be pleasant.”
“Duct tape, Melrose, duct tape,” Syn replied.
“I’ll remember that for the future.” I said, tapping my temple. Syn nodded.
I looked over to see Zacky staring at the cutting board with a strange expression on his face. It was a third horrified, a third shocked, and a third sad. The tobacco in the cigarettes spilled out across the cutting board like innards.
“You...You killed my cigarettes.” Zacky said after a few moments. “I...I feel so...so empty.”
“Zacky,” AM began sympathetically, placing her hand on his shoulder, “this is the beginning of a new day in age. We are going to get you to quit smoking, not for anyone else’s own good, but for your own.”
“You killed my cigarettes.” Zacky repeated, not looking up at AM.
“I had to, Zacky. I’m sorry.” AM said, patting his shoulder.
“Do I at least get a reward if I quit smoking successfully?” Zacky asked, finally looking up at her.
“Sure.” AM answered.
“What would my reward be?”
“Um...” AM looked up at the ceiling in thought. “Lap dance?” she asked uncertainly after a few moments.
Zacky shook his head no.
“Strip tease?”
Zacky shook his head no again.
“I’m not going any further than that.”
“Damn,” Zacky muttered. Then he shrugged. “I don’t know what kind of reward I want.”
“We’ll work out the finer details later.” AM said. “But for now—” She grabbed the cutting board. “—we bury your old buddies.” Zacky sighed and dragged himself to his feet. We all stood up as well and followed AM out into the backyard.
**********
“Now, those murderers may rest in peace.” AM straightened up, wiping the dirt off of the knees of her jeans. She had just finished burying the remnants of the cigarettes in a lonely, isolated corner of the backyard. Zacky silently pressed a Styrofoam cube that we had painted gray into the dirt over the cigarettes. Splashed across the front, in big black letters, was the word: CIGARETTES. Right below that, in slightly smaller letters, was RIP.
“Cigarettes, you don’t deserve this kind and generous funeral.” AM continued. “We are doing this out of the kindness of our hearts, just so you can pass on peacefully. You will never occupy Zacky’s back pockets ever again. Zacky shall never handle another one of you again. If he does, then it is almost guaranteed that he will join you beneath the dirt, for I shall kill him if he smokes again. This is tough for all of us, cigarettes. Please have the decency to just stay away from my boyfriend, or I might just execute you again.” AM slipped her hand into Zacky’s and squeezed. He gave a fake sniffle, acting all sad.
“It’s okay, bro.” Syn said, clapping his hand on Zacky’s shoulder. “This’ll all be for the better.”
“Easy for you to say,” Zacky said. “You still have your cigarettes.”
“True, true,” Syn agreed. And just to be the ornery guy that he is, he pulled out a cigarette and lit it. He took a drag and grinned over at Zacky. “Ah, glorious tobacco.”
“Don’t be mean.” Rayne chided, grabbing Syn’s cigarette away. She snuffed it out with the heel of her shoe before handing it back to him.
“Rayne, you just totally defeated the purpose of me doing that.” Syn told her, staring at the snuffed-out cigarette in his palm. “I just wasted a cigarette.”
“Well, Zacky’s just lost his privilege of smoking.” Rayne retorted. “Be sensitive about it.”
“Yeah, be sensitive.” Zacky snapped. “Mr. I-Still-Have-My-Cigarettes.”
“It’s all for the better, Zack.” AM insisted, throwing her arm across his shoulders and leading him back towards the house. “It’s all for the better.”
“But, Ann—”
“Put the cigarette up right this instant!”
“But—”
“Zacky, I ain’t playing here! PUT IT UP!”
“I’ll go—”
“NO! You won’t go outside! You will put the cigarette AWAY for ALL OF ETERNITY!” AM yelled at Zacky. She glared at the little white cigarette he held between his fingers. She pointed accusingly at it. “That fucking thing will MURDER YOU, and then what will you do? HUH? NOTHING! BECAUSE YOU’LL BE DEAD!”
AM was becoming downright indignant against that tiny little inanimate object. Zacky just stared at her, frozen in place.
“Light bulb!” she suddenly exclaimed. She hurried out of the living room and into the kitchen. Zacky shot us all questioning looks, and we just shrugged our shoulders: AM’s antics were a mystery to us as well.
A few moments later, AM strolled back into the living room. In one hand she held a frosted cutting board made of hard plastic; in the other hand she held a wicked-looking butcher knife. She walked up to Zacky and put the cutting board down on the coffee table right in front of him.
“Give me that cigarette.” she told him. Slowly, he extended a hand and dropped the cigarette into her open palm. “And the packet in your pocket.” With a slightly pained look, Zacky pulled the packet of cigarettes out of his back pocket and handed it to her. He looked as though he had just condemned his best friend to death.
AM carefully positioned the packet of cigarettes and the lone cigarette next to each other on the cutting board. As all of us watched, she looked back up at Zacky.
“This’ll hurt, Zacky.” she told him seriously. “It’ll hurt worse than anything you’ve ever felt. But I think it’s necessary. Cigarettes are not going to kill you, and I’m going to make sure of that.”
“Just be careful where you swing that knife.” Rayne intoned from across the room. “The last thing we need is for you to lob someone’s head off.”
AM ignored her comment. She looked back down at the cutting board. Then, with one swift movement, she raised the butcher knife and swung it down. The blade landed right in the middle of the cutting board, slicing the cigarette and packet right down the middle.
“Rayne, just to let you know, if you do that to my pack of cigarettes, I’ll pop your head off like a dandelion and stick it on a pole in my front yard.” Syn said, looking over at Rayne.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” I told him. “She’ll just scream her head off at you 24/7. It wouldn’t be pleasant.”
“Duct tape, Melrose, duct tape,” Syn replied.
“I’ll remember that for the future.” I said, tapping my temple. Syn nodded.
I looked over to see Zacky staring at the cutting board with a strange expression on his face. It was a third horrified, a third shocked, and a third sad. The tobacco in the cigarettes spilled out across the cutting board like innards.
“You...You killed my cigarettes.” Zacky said after a few moments. “I...I feel so...so empty.”
“Zacky,” AM began sympathetically, placing her hand on his shoulder, “this is the beginning of a new day in age. We are going to get you to quit smoking, not for anyone else’s own good, but for your own.”
“You killed my cigarettes.” Zacky repeated, not looking up at AM.
“I had to, Zacky. I’m sorry.” AM said, patting his shoulder.
“Do I at least get a reward if I quit smoking successfully?” Zacky asked, finally looking up at her.
“Sure.” AM answered.
“What would my reward be?”
“Um...” AM looked up at the ceiling in thought. “Lap dance?” she asked uncertainly after a few moments.
Zacky shook his head no.
“Strip tease?”
Zacky shook his head no again.
“I’m not going any further than that.”
“Damn,” Zacky muttered. Then he shrugged. “I don’t know what kind of reward I want.”
“We’ll work out the finer details later.” AM said. “But for now—” She grabbed the cutting board. “—we bury your old buddies.” Zacky sighed and dragged himself to his feet. We all stood up as well and followed AM out into the backyard.
**********
“Now, those murderers may rest in peace.” AM straightened up, wiping the dirt off of the knees of her jeans. She had just finished burying the remnants of the cigarettes in a lonely, isolated corner of the backyard. Zacky silently pressed a Styrofoam cube that we had painted gray into the dirt over the cigarettes. Splashed across the front, in big black letters, was the word: CIGARETTES. Right below that, in slightly smaller letters, was RIP.
“Cigarettes, you don’t deserve this kind and generous funeral.” AM continued. “We are doing this out of the kindness of our hearts, just so you can pass on peacefully. You will never occupy Zacky’s back pockets ever again. Zacky shall never handle another one of you again. If he does, then it is almost guaranteed that he will join you beneath the dirt, for I shall kill him if he smokes again. This is tough for all of us, cigarettes. Please have the decency to just stay away from my boyfriend, or I might just execute you again.” AM slipped her hand into Zacky’s and squeezed. He gave a fake sniffle, acting all sad.
“It’s okay, bro.” Syn said, clapping his hand on Zacky’s shoulder. “This’ll all be for the better.”
“Easy for you to say,” Zacky said. “You still have your cigarettes.”
“True, true,” Syn agreed. And just to be the ornery guy that he is, he pulled out a cigarette and lit it. He took a drag and grinned over at Zacky. “Ah, glorious tobacco.”
“Don’t be mean.” Rayne chided, grabbing Syn’s cigarette away. She snuffed it out with the heel of her shoe before handing it back to him.
“Rayne, you just totally defeated the purpose of me doing that.” Syn told her, staring at the snuffed-out cigarette in his palm. “I just wasted a cigarette.”
“Well, Zacky’s just lost his privilege of smoking.” Rayne retorted. “Be sensitive about it.”
“Yeah, be sensitive.” Zacky snapped. “Mr. I-Still-Have-My-Cigarettes.”
“It’s all for the better, Zack.” AM insisted, throwing her arm across his shoulders and leading him back towards the house. “It’s all for the better.”
♠ ♠ ♠
This is one of my favorite chapters. =] Yet another random chapter.Comments?