Clash Of The Rockbands
A Conversation With Guitar Guy
Melrose’s POV
There is this one comedian named Jeff Dunham. He is fucking hilarious. That is not an understatement in any way. Jeff Dunham will make any person on this planet laugh until A) he/she can’t breathe or B) he/she begins to cry from laughing so hard. He’s a ventriloquist, actually, but he’s fucking amazing.
Right then, I was watching Jeff Dunham’s Very Special Christmas Special. Achmed, the dead suicide bomber, was getting ready to sing “Jingle Bombs”. He had just said that he needed musical accompaniment.
“We actually have that,” Jeff said. Achmed started to introduce him, talking about YouTube and a million hits and all sorts of stuff, and Jeff cut in with, “Brian Haner.”
My eyes widened as I heard the name. They widened even further when “Guitar Guy” as Achmed called him, stepped out.
“SYN!” I yelled.
“What?” he asked from where he sat at the kitchen table, his back to me. Clearly, he hadn’t been listening to the television.
“I think your dad’s on here...” I said. He instantly twisted around, and I pointed at the television. His brown eyes widened as they fell upon the man with the guitar standing next to Jeff.
“Dad!” he exclaimed. He launched off of the padded bench, practically vaulted over the back of the couch, and landed next to me. “What is this?”
“Jeff Dunham’s Very Special Christmas Special,” I answered. Syn pulled out his cell phone, punched in a number, pushed a few more buttons, and then balanced the phone on his leg.
I could hear it ringing, so I figured he had put it on speaker phone. After a few rings, a male voice answered,
“Hello?”
“Hey, Dad,” Syn greeted.
“Oh, hey, Bri,” Syn’s dad answered. “Um...I’m glad to know that you called me, but may I ask why you called?”
“Melrose—” Syn began, but his father interrupted.
“Is she your girlfriend?” he asked.
“No.”
“Groupie?”
“No.”
“Fan?”
“Uh...kind of?”
“She’s not a hooker, is she?”
“No, Dad, she’s Jimmy’s girlfriend.”
“JIMMY HAS A GIRLFRIEND!?” Syn’s dad squawked. “That poor woman.”
“I appreciate your concern,” I said.
“Anyway, Melrose is watching Jeff Dunham’s Very Special Christmas Special, and you neglected to let me know that you would be the musical accompaniment.” Syn accused. His dad laughed.
“I was meaning to call and let you know, but I never got around to it.”
“Who are you talking to?” Rayne asked as she stepped out of the bathroom.
“Dad,” Syn answered.
“He’s on the TV!” she exclaimed, pointing.
“Who’s this?” Brian asked.
“I’m Rayne,” Rayne answered.
“Let me guess...hm...Johnny’s girlfriend?” Brian guessed. Rayne laughed.
“No, Johnny doesn’t even have a girlfriend.”
“Ah, the poor guy’s single still?”
“No, he’s married.” Syn answered.
“MARRIED!? It would be nice if I knew these things when they happened!” Brian exclaimed. “Is she nice?” he added.
“No, I beat him until he gives me a foot massage.” Kim answered before anyone else as she stepped in from the bunk room. She sat down on the arm of the couch.
“Yes, Dad, she’s nice,” Syn told him.
“So, who’s Rayne?”
“My girlfriend,” Syn answered.
“Oh, okay,” Brian replied. “Any other girls I should know about?”
“Jen is dating Matt. AM is dating Zacky.”
“AM as in time AM?”
“It’s short for Anna-May.”
“Right, right,” Brian said. “Wait...Are they all in the band that you’re touring with?”
“Yes,” Syn answered.
“And you’re all dating them?”
“Correct.”
“Interesting.”
“Mr. Haner—” I began, but he interrupted me (that guy must have problems with interrupting).
“Call me Brian, unless you call Bri Brian, then refer to Bri as Syn, and still call me Brian.”
“Brian,” I began again, “you really couldn’t keep a straight face, could you?”
The show was at the part where Jeff says, “I think people with poliosis...” Brian just lost it at that part. He’d been trying very hard to not laugh before, but now he laughed before trying to restrain it.
On the phone, he sighed.
“You try to stand on the same stage as Jeff and keep a straight face. It was very difficult. But Peanut was just insulting.” Brian said.
“We haven’t seen that part yet.” I told him.
“Yeah, well, Bri will probably laugh at me. I’d laugh at me.”
“BRRIIIAAANNNNN!” James suddenly yelled from behind us. “Hellloooo!”
“Hello, Jimmy,” Brian said, laughing.
“You’re on the TV, did you know?” James continued excitedly.
“Yes, I’ve been told.” Brian replied. “So, I’ve heard you have a girlfriend now.”
“Yeah,” James answered. After a short pause, he added, “Poor Melrose.”
“Brian?” Matt asked, stepping out of the bunk room. “As in Brian SENIOR?”
“Hello, Matthew,” Brian said. “Okay, so let’s see who’s all in the conversation: Bri...Melrose...Rayne...Matt...Jimmy...and....uh...”
“Kim!” Kim exclaimed happily.
“Yes, Kim, Johnny’s wife,” Brian agreed.
“Is your head about to explode or what?” I asked.
“When your son is Synyster Gates, your head is under constant threat of explosion.” Brian replied. “But it’s okay. I’m the one that shoved a mini-guitar into his tiny fists when he was three.”
“I thought I was two.” Syn said.
“I tried at two, but you just threw the guitar across the room.” Brian explained. “Alright, so what is each of you girls in your band?”
“I’m the bassist!” Kim exclaimed gleefully. “All bassists will riot and take over the world and all the lead guitarists and their fancy guitars will burn in Hell!”
“I’d love to see that someday,” Brian agreed.
“I’m the singer,” Rayne said.
“Okay, so the two bassists got together, and the singer and lead guitarist got together. Let me guess...Melrose, you’re the drummer?” Brian asked.
“Yep,” I answered.
“Jen is the lead guitarist.” Matt said.
“And AM does rhythm,” Rayne finished.
“Very cool,” Brian commented. “Well, Bri and company, I hate to let you go, but I’ve had a very busy day, and I’m exhausted. I would really like to go to bed.”
“Alright, Dad,” Syn replied. “Don’t let the bed bugs bite.”
“And don’t let those unicorns spear their horns through your eyeballs either,” James suggested.
“I’ll make sure to put up my defenses against the unicorns,” Brian said with a laugh. “Good night, kiddies.”
“Good night,” we chorused back at him. Syn snapped his phone shut.
“You never told your father Johnny and I got married?” Kim asked. Syn shook his head no. “You really should inform him of these things.”
“I know,” Syn replied. “Like he said, I never got around to it.”
“Well, let’s watch this bitch,” Rayne announced. She vaulted over the back of the couch as well, landing smoothly in Syn’s lap. Kim gave a derisive laugh before springing off of the arm of the couch and landing in Rayne’s lap.
“Oh, do you want to sit in Syn’s lap too?” Rayne asked with a laugh. Kim wrinkled her nose in disgust before shaking her head no.
“Not in his lap,” she squealed. “In your lap!”
“Oh, okay,” Rayne said, wrapping her arms around Kim.
“Johnny will—oh, wait, no, he can’t kill me. He’s too small.” Syn said. Kim glared at him.
“Johnny might not kill you, but I definitely will.” she snapped.
“She will bite your ankles.” Rayne agreed, looking around at Syn. “She’ll gnaw off your kneecaps.”
“Oh my gosh!” I exclaimed randomly. They all looked over. “I just got this amazing image!”
“Of what?” Kim asked, leaning towards me slightly.
“I just got an image of an Oompa Loompa, orange skin and funky pants, attacking James’s kneecap. James falls over, and the Oompa Loompa runs up and starts to kick him as hard as he can in the ribs. So James is just lying there, with a broken kneecap, getting kicked by an Oompa Loompa!” I explained.
“Do you often picture me getting beat up? For your own personal pleasure?” James asked, acting hurt.
“Yes,” I teased. “Everyday. It makes me feel better about myself.”
“And you think I’m random,” Kim muttered, looking back at the television.
There is this one comedian named Jeff Dunham. He is fucking hilarious. That is not an understatement in any way. Jeff Dunham will make any person on this planet laugh until A) he/she can’t breathe or B) he/she begins to cry from laughing so hard. He’s a ventriloquist, actually, but he’s fucking amazing.
Right then, I was watching Jeff Dunham’s Very Special Christmas Special. Achmed, the dead suicide bomber, was getting ready to sing “Jingle Bombs”. He had just said that he needed musical accompaniment.
“We actually have that,” Jeff said. Achmed started to introduce him, talking about YouTube and a million hits and all sorts of stuff, and Jeff cut in with, “Brian Haner.”
My eyes widened as I heard the name. They widened even further when “Guitar Guy” as Achmed called him, stepped out.
“SYN!” I yelled.
“What?” he asked from where he sat at the kitchen table, his back to me. Clearly, he hadn’t been listening to the television.
“I think your dad’s on here...” I said. He instantly twisted around, and I pointed at the television. His brown eyes widened as they fell upon the man with the guitar standing next to Jeff.
“Dad!” he exclaimed. He launched off of the padded bench, practically vaulted over the back of the couch, and landed next to me. “What is this?”
“Jeff Dunham’s Very Special Christmas Special,” I answered. Syn pulled out his cell phone, punched in a number, pushed a few more buttons, and then balanced the phone on his leg.
I could hear it ringing, so I figured he had put it on speaker phone. After a few rings, a male voice answered,
“Hello?”
“Hey, Dad,” Syn greeted.
“Oh, hey, Bri,” Syn’s dad answered. “Um...I’m glad to know that you called me, but may I ask why you called?”
“Melrose—” Syn began, but his father interrupted.
“Is she your girlfriend?” he asked.
“No.”
“Groupie?”
“No.”
“Fan?”
“Uh...kind of?”
“She’s not a hooker, is she?”
“No, Dad, she’s Jimmy’s girlfriend.”
“JIMMY HAS A GIRLFRIEND!?” Syn’s dad squawked. “That poor woman.”
“I appreciate your concern,” I said.
“Anyway, Melrose is watching Jeff Dunham’s Very Special Christmas Special, and you neglected to let me know that you would be the musical accompaniment.” Syn accused. His dad laughed.
“I was meaning to call and let you know, but I never got around to it.”
“Who are you talking to?” Rayne asked as she stepped out of the bathroom.
“Dad,” Syn answered.
“He’s on the TV!” she exclaimed, pointing.
“Who’s this?” Brian asked.
“I’m Rayne,” Rayne answered.
“Let me guess...hm...Johnny’s girlfriend?” Brian guessed. Rayne laughed.
“No, Johnny doesn’t even have a girlfriend.”
“Ah, the poor guy’s single still?”
“No, he’s married.” Syn answered.
“MARRIED!? It would be nice if I knew these things when they happened!” Brian exclaimed. “Is she nice?” he added.
“No, I beat him until he gives me a foot massage.” Kim answered before anyone else as she stepped in from the bunk room. She sat down on the arm of the couch.
“Yes, Dad, she’s nice,” Syn told him.
“So, who’s Rayne?”
“My girlfriend,” Syn answered.
“Oh, okay,” Brian replied. “Any other girls I should know about?”
“Jen is dating Matt. AM is dating Zacky.”
“AM as in time AM?”
“It’s short for Anna-May.”
“Right, right,” Brian said. “Wait...Are they all in the band that you’re touring with?”
“Yes,” Syn answered.
“And you’re all dating them?”
“Correct.”
“Interesting.”
“Mr. Haner—” I began, but he interrupted me (that guy must have problems with interrupting).
“Call me Brian, unless you call Bri Brian, then refer to Bri as Syn, and still call me Brian.”
“Brian,” I began again, “you really couldn’t keep a straight face, could you?”
The show was at the part where Jeff says, “I think people with poliosis...” Brian just lost it at that part. He’d been trying very hard to not laugh before, but now he laughed before trying to restrain it.
On the phone, he sighed.
“You try to stand on the same stage as Jeff and keep a straight face. It was very difficult. But Peanut was just insulting.” Brian said.
“We haven’t seen that part yet.” I told him.
“Yeah, well, Bri will probably laugh at me. I’d laugh at me.”
“BRRIIIAAANNNNN!” James suddenly yelled from behind us. “Hellloooo!”
“Hello, Jimmy,” Brian said, laughing.
“You’re on the TV, did you know?” James continued excitedly.
“Yes, I’ve been told.” Brian replied. “So, I’ve heard you have a girlfriend now.”
“Yeah,” James answered. After a short pause, he added, “Poor Melrose.”
“Brian?” Matt asked, stepping out of the bunk room. “As in Brian SENIOR?”
“Hello, Matthew,” Brian said. “Okay, so let’s see who’s all in the conversation: Bri...Melrose...Rayne...Matt...Jimmy...and....uh...”
“Kim!” Kim exclaimed happily.
“Yes, Kim, Johnny’s wife,” Brian agreed.
“Is your head about to explode or what?” I asked.
“When your son is Synyster Gates, your head is under constant threat of explosion.” Brian replied. “But it’s okay. I’m the one that shoved a mini-guitar into his tiny fists when he was three.”
“I thought I was two.” Syn said.
“I tried at two, but you just threw the guitar across the room.” Brian explained. “Alright, so what is each of you girls in your band?”
“I’m the bassist!” Kim exclaimed gleefully. “All bassists will riot and take over the world and all the lead guitarists and their fancy guitars will burn in Hell!”
“I’d love to see that someday,” Brian agreed.
“I’m the singer,” Rayne said.
“Okay, so the two bassists got together, and the singer and lead guitarist got together. Let me guess...Melrose, you’re the drummer?” Brian asked.
“Yep,” I answered.
“Jen is the lead guitarist.” Matt said.
“And AM does rhythm,” Rayne finished.
“Very cool,” Brian commented. “Well, Bri and company, I hate to let you go, but I’ve had a very busy day, and I’m exhausted. I would really like to go to bed.”
“Alright, Dad,” Syn replied. “Don’t let the bed bugs bite.”
“And don’t let those unicorns spear their horns through your eyeballs either,” James suggested.
“I’ll make sure to put up my defenses against the unicorns,” Brian said with a laugh. “Good night, kiddies.”
“Good night,” we chorused back at him. Syn snapped his phone shut.
“You never told your father Johnny and I got married?” Kim asked. Syn shook his head no. “You really should inform him of these things.”
“I know,” Syn replied. “Like he said, I never got around to it.”
“Well, let’s watch this bitch,” Rayne announced. She vaulted over the back of the couch as well, landing smoothly in Syn’s lap. Kim gave a derisive laugh before springing off of the arm of the couch and landing in Rayne’s lap.
“Oh, do you want to sit in Syn’s lap too?” Rayne asked with a laugh. Kim wrinkled her nose in disgust before shaking her head no.
“Not in his lap,” she squealed. “In your lap!”
“Oh, okay,” Rayne said, wrapping her arms around Kim.
“Johnny will—oh, wait, no, he can’t kill me. He’s too small.” Syn said. Kim glared at him.
“Johnny might not kill you, but I definitely will.” she snapped.
“She will bite your ankles.” Rayne agreed, looking around at Syn. “She’ll gnaw off your kneecaps.”
“Oh my gosh!” I exclaimed randomly. They all looked over. “I just got this amazing image!”
“Of what?” Kim asked, leaning towards me slightly.
“I just got an image of an Oompa Loompa, orange skin and funky pants, attacking James’s kneecap. James falls over, and the Oompa Loompa runs up and starts to kick him as hard as he can in the ribs. So James is just lying there, with a broken kneecap, getting kicked by an Oompa Loompa!” I explained.
“Do you often picture me getting beat up? For your own personal pleasure?” James asked, acting hurt.
“Yes,” I teased. “Everyday. It makes me feel better about myself.”
“And you think I’m random,” Kim muttered, looking back at the television.
♠ ♠ ♠
Heyloo.This is a horribly long filler. But I had to do it...It was too much to resist.
And you gotta watch Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special. SYNYSTER GATES'S DAD IS ON THERE! Seriously. I kid you not. It's pretty freaking hilarious.
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